majord23

Keep ignoring her calls and don't worry about how it affects her. At the end of the day, she is calling you from a *private* number - so she coud easily deny making the calls (even if it *is* her making them).

She is risking NOTHING by making the calls from an unidentified number, so why should you risk anything at all by contacting her?

^^^I agree with DN.

Your girlfriend seems to be walking a fine line (in her head) between feeling comfortable in the relationship and feeling *too* comfortable in the relationship:

She backs off, you become clingy, she backs off further...

You get fed up, you back off, she steps forward..

From what I can see, once she feels secure about your feelings for her she freaks a little bit and backs off. But when you back off she comes forward with statements that indicate she wants to be with you.

As DN has said - Push/Pull.

Shell - you have to decide whether you want to be with someone that you have to keep slightly 'on edge' (ie worried about losing you) in order to keep them.

This may be something temporary that she is going through because of where her life is at the moment, or it may be a trait that is ingrained in her persona. (you know her better than we do )

I brought up the idea of getitng back together a week after we broke up, when she was extremly mad at me and distrustfu because she felt I lied to her btu she was the one who called me. But we cleared that up and over the last few weeks she's been making an effort to keep in touch with me and I have yet to call her once, She's called me about 7 times since we broke up and we usually talk for like an hour or so like we used to. I've been thinknig about her a lot more in the last few days and am having trouble sleeping thinking about it.

Stop answering the phone every time she calls and stop talking to her for an hour at a time.

Despite the fact that she is contacting you, you are validating her behaviour by being so available.

Stop being needy and start showing her that you have a life outside of her.

pants,

You should be proud of yourself - you did great.

Do not clarify what you said to your ex anymore, and do not retract your statement....even though you may feel you want to.

You did the right thing - you've done no damage at all pants - not in terms of reconciliation OR in terms of your healing.

You've made your ex see the reality of what her decision means AND you have maintained your dignity and self-respect. There aren't too many people around here that can claim that

thats not the problem..my problem is me...i cant seem to move on..or i dont want to..i want to be with him,i cant understand how he as just continued like i never was.and she is the bees knees...whats wrong with me..why did he pick her..why doesnt he love me anymore,,what did i do wrong..

And there's your problem jue.

You have acknowledged that you are the problem (a BIG step forward btw) but then you are asking questions that you may never know the answer to, and also questions that you have NO control over.

By 'you being the problem', I don't mean that you were the cause of the break-up - I mean that the source of your pain is coming from inside you...and that's what you have to work on. Letting that pain, and your ex, go.

You, as easy as it is for me to say, have to focus on yourself. I know how hard it is NOT to focus on your ex when he is with someone else...but you have to try to stop dwelling on what he is doing, and start looking at things that are going to make *you* feel better.

A trick that I picked up from the board (not sure if it was this board or another) was this: Every time a thought came into my head of my ex with her new man, I would imagine a missile coming from out of the blue and blowing up the thought in my head.

Sounds stupid, but it works.

Cry, scream, write an abusive email and then don't send it, have a 'newly single' party...do WHATEVER you have to do to get this out of your system. When I say 'whatever'...I mean things that do *not* involve anything to do with your ex. And then vow to not waste another second dwelling on him.

It *does* get better with time, you just have to tough it out, stay strong and most of all - *believe* that you deserve better and that you will find it.

{{{{{HUGS}}}}}

Hang in there - and keep posting.

Thanks guys. I respect your opinions. I'll have a good long think.

Do blondy....and then decide what you want to do.

The advice I've given is based on what I've read from you in the past - although I haven't contributed to many of your threads, I have followed your story.

You *should* be having fun at your age - absolutely. In my experience however (and the experiences of those around me) FWB relationships don't generally work when there is a 'history' between the 2 *ahem* 'participants'. And even then, when there isn't a history - one person always seems to become more attached and thus hurt in the end.

I'm hoping it's not you babes.

Not only that - a FWB arrangement may prevent you from meeting a great guy who is after more than just your body.

And blondy, this was a post that you posted in May:

Thanks for all of the replies. It seems like a lot of people have different opinions on FWB relationships. I've decided they are not for me, as EH said, i get too emotionally attached.

What's changed since then?

No 'cos we don't wanna. When we were together we used to fight and argue constantly. We aren't meant to be together. We are too young for commitment. But we wanna be together sexually and go out and have fun, but also be able to meet other people at the same time.

So, in a few weeks if you ask him to come over to your place and 'have fun' and he says: "Sorry blondy, I'm having fun with someone else tonight"...you'll be ok with that??

This guy has had you an emotional rollercoaster for quite a few months now, and I think you're joining the queue to get on that ride again.

I'd steer clear and find someone who wants to be with you physically AND emotionally - you are setting yourself up for more heartbreak here, and I think that (deep down) you know it.

Captain,

Do NOT contact her again.

You have made a mistake that numerous poeple have made (myself included) by making contact, then thinking it was wrong...then making contact again to apologise...then on not getting a response, getting angry...making contact again...regretting it....and the vicious cycle goes on...and on (if you let it).

Learn from this mistake and (like I have already said) do NOT contact her again. The ball is now totally in her court.

Now, just a point to pick up from your post as well. You were in a position of 'power' mate - your ex saw you with a girl and had *no idea* what was going on between you.

That, my friend, is a position that alot of the posters on the board would love to be in.

Because of the nature of heartache, we tend to 'bare our souls' to our exes and end up coming accross as needy...and that's what eats us up inside - not so much the fact that we lost our partner, but because we lose our self-respect.

Eventually, we come to realise that begging, pleading, getting angry, apologising and excessive contact is not what gets an ex back and is not what helps us to heal - moving on with your life, and forgetting about your ex is quite often what makes us an attractive prospect (for our exes OR for someone new).

You should not have explained the situation to your ex about the other girl - if your ex is upset, let her be upset (it's called jealousy....and it's *your* friend!).

Your ex does not deserve an explanation - let her wonder what's going on in your life - don't comfort her by assuring her that you're still there for her.

Your ex has gone from being upset, feeling out of control and seeing you as a strong, confident guy who is attractive to other women...to now knowing that she could have you back with the click of her fingers.

IF you are going to stay in contact with her (obviously wait for her to initiate the next contact) then I suggest you may want to give this thread a read bro:

Good luck and stay strong.

Do you think i should see her before she moves? Not even considering my feelings, only considering the best thing i could do to work towards getting her back, would seeing her one more time make myself seem too available, or would it give her strong memories of me for her to think about when she is gone?

.

Obviously the best thing for *you* and your healing is not to see her mate, and you know that.

BUT you want to know what would be best in terms of working towards a second chance. So.....

Thankfully, it's the same course of action - don't see her.

You have spent *alot* of time with her since the break-up and nothing has changed....so one more day with her is going to amount to nothing bro.

Look at it this way byates. She is leaving soon - if you hang out with her before she goes, she'll be thinking: "Byates is a great guy, and he's still into me - he'll still be there for me when I come back to visit."

OR

If you *don't* hang out with her, she will be thinking: "Whoa, byates always used to hang out with me...what's changed? I'm moving away and it looks like he is finally moving on....damn."

Send her on her way without giving her a security boost before she goes mate, it's the best course of action in every sense.

Hello; I'm not sure where to start...okay, first thing I should probably say is that I'm gay, and that my story involves myself, and my girlfriend. I don't know if enotalone is gay-friendly or not

.

Gay, straight? No difference here....this board does not discriminate.

She was going out with her friends a lot, and it drove me insane with jealousy.

Then what makes you think that if you behaved in the same way that it wouldn't make her feel the same?

I've been hanging out with a really cool girl, and the ex asks about her all the time.

*Ahem*......refer to the last line I posted.

 

** edited to add: I should probably also say that her reason for breaking up was that our relationship "had evolved", which i think is total BS. It sounds like a cop-out to me, akin to "it's not you, it's me". I think what she wanted was to break up with me but keep her best friend; she even wanted to still visit my family with me, and to participate in the hobbies that we share. I honestly don't know if she believes it possible to sever the thing that made her part of my family and still expect the connection to be there.

Are you willing to compromise wha you truly want for a watered-down version?

If so, then hang in there and prepare yourself for months of agony.

If not, then move on - if she wants to be with you then she will follow.

Having been a 'dumper' I can tell you that nothing, and I mean NOTHING hurts more than seeing the 'dumpee' move on quicker than you.

Go out, have fun and move on. If you move on soon enough (and I mean genuinely move on, not *pretend* to move on) then she may just want you back.

If she doesn't, then what have you *really* lost?

feeling really depressed. I thought I was through with this months ago... well, looks like her little present sent me back lightyears away....

No, YOUR present (in terms of time) sent you back mate, she (as of today) is the PAST...if you've cut contact with her.

Remember (again) - she does not have the power to make you feel anything unless you let her.

Cut contact and STICK TO IT.

thanks for all the good advice. I just hope I did the right thing...

You did mate, believe me, you did.

You have to stay strong now pal, this is where the battle begins. Drink if you like (hell, I did!) but vow to yourself that you won't act on *any* impulse under the influence of alcohol - things always seem like 'a good idea' when we've had a few....but soberness brings with it regrets.

You have removed the source of your pain mate - never lose sight of that - she can no longer do anything to hurt you, you can only hurt yourself.

Keep busy - go for walks, workout, meet up with friends - do anything to occupy your mind, but do NOT cave in and contact her.

You are in a position of power now mate - you have power over yourself, and that is the most important power of all. She's no longer in a position to have her cake and eat it too...you have (quite rightly) taken that away from her.

You deserve what you desire mb, and you should have enough pride and self-respect to realise that you shouldn't have to compromise that for anyone. Don't accept second best - none of us should.

Write yourself an email about how she was making you feel and how frustrated and angry it made you. Gert angry and pour your heart out in the email and then send it to yourself - everytime you feel down, read it and get angry. It helps.

Hang in there mate.

You see: it's difficult for me, as a part of me wants her to be here with me. So you think it's a good idea, to give her the presents back?

At some stage we all want our exes to be with us mate, but sometimes no matter what we want or how much we want it - we can't have it.

Yes, I would give the presents back - explain to her that you were serious when you said that you couldn't stay friends and that you now have to be firm about it. Tell her that accepting her presents was an error on your part but now that you've had time to think you can see that you should return them.

She may inisist that you keep the gifts anyway - if she does, then keep them.

btw, did I mention, that she wanted to meet up again this weekend?

I would meet with her very briefly to return the gifts, no 'hanging out'. Just meet, give her the stuff, explain to her that you need to cut her out of your life and say your goodbyes.

Spending any more time with her than that will mess with your head mp (just read your own post if you need any more convincing )

Hey mp,

I'll call it as I see it mate – it may be blunt, but it's all to help….get ready for some 'tough love'

She knows I can't stay friends.

How does she know this? Because you told her so? Not good enough mp, and you know it.

What does meeting up with her tell her?

What does accepting presents from her tell her?

What does talking on the phone tell her?

You may have *told* her that you can't stay friends, but your actions are not reflecting that. Your actions of a man that *does* want to stay friends.

As confusing as you may find her behaviour, I'm sure she finds your behaviour a little confusing too.

If you say that you can't be friends with her, then stop acting like you are her friend…right now.

What does she expect from me?

Seriously mate, who cares?

The moment that you stopped being a couple and you decided that you can't be friends was the moment that her expectations ceased to be your problem.

This isn't about what she expects from you. You two are no longer a couple, so her expectations count for zero.

Your expectations (not being friends) and her respecting them is what matters now – if she isn't respecting your wishes, tell her ONCE and then cut contact.

but I am not the problem... she is...

Whoa…not so fast there big fella:

You can not put the responsibility for this entirely on her shoulders – to do so means that you are saying that you have no control over this situation. The opposite is true – you have total control over this.

She is confusing you because you are allowing her to – you have kept her in your life as some kind of 'pseudo friend' whilst saying that you don't want her as a friend. This is your doing mp, not hers.

If you had stuck to your guns when you said that you couldn't stay friends, then you wouldn't be having any of the problems you are having now.

Time to put up or shut up mate. You need to cut contact and do what is best for you…instead of worrying about how it may affect your ex. You cannot worry about how your actions affect her whilst you are being hurt yourself.

Not being mean mate – just saying it as I see it.

Read the thread again and again - it does work - one way or another.

Amen to that mate.

I found this post on another forum and thought I'd post it here as I think it illustrates the importance of letting go, and just what *can* happen.

Here is part of it:

"WHAT TO DO IF SHE DUMPS YOU

see there are still a lot of guys digging themselves into deep holes every time they're dumped by their girlfriend or rejected by someone they’ve been involved with. They want to know how to win them back, but don't have a clue how to do it.

Rather than write this as an instructional tip, I decided to share a number of true examples in which the advice speaks for itself.

Source link removed

ahh, don't worry. i am not going to conact her to try and find out. my gut initially thought she was trying to lure me into contacting her, which i didn't fall for.

 

at this point, i have been on the NC train for so long i have no intention of getting off.

 

oh yeah, i thought about the timing of her text too. 10pm on my birthday, kind of half-a$$ed and almost a little too late. it's like "wow, gee thanks. ", ya know?

 

"f" her!

Proud of you mate, really, really proud

After all the heartache your ex put you through by ignoring your contact, she probably expected you to be grateful for her two-worded text.

The fact that you have stayed strong and not responded will not only give her a bit of a reality check but should also give you a confidence boost deej - I think you know that a month or two back you probably *would* have been grateful for her contact.....look at you now pal! Kudos

Accept nothing less than your expectations bro, not one ounce less - to do so compromises your self-respect and integrity.

 

My plan for the present is to NEVER call him anymore unless it's a response to his call or in direct relation to plans we have made. But any conversations or activities are to be initiated by him. I won't initiate conversations, activities, or physical contact. Sound good?

Sounds perfect.

You have made your desire to be with him clear, so there is no point in now backing it up with actions. Implement NC from your end (as you have said, by not *initiating* contact with him) but do respond to his contact...if you can do so without delaying your progress.

Don't be too available either - if she wants to meet up, do *not* jump at the chance - even consider telling him that you're busy and suggest another time. He should see that you are moving on with your life, and that may just inspire him to act.

As far as physical contact is concerned, I would be reluctant to respond to any physical contact initiated by your ex - it's the equivilant of letting him have his cake and eat it too. You should make it clear (if the situation arises) that physical contact is what couples do, not exes.

You seem to have a good handle on the situation - don't wait for him though, he will try to hold you back from moving on too far (usually with words and whatever physical contact you allow) but don't get let that get your hopes up...unless/until he speaks specifically about a plan of action in relation to getting back together.

Focus on the future without him and take steps to heal, if he wants to be part of your future he will most definitely let you know in no uncertain terms.

 

Her: "Still no job?"

Me: "Not yet."

Her: "Nice little summer vacation."

Me: "No, not really. I'm busy looking for jobs everyday."

Her: "Any opportunities?"

Me: "I'm waiting on some callbacks."

Her: "Well, you seem too busy to talk, I'll talk to you later."

Me: "Ok, bye."

Her: "So, you are busy?"

Me: "Not super-busy at the moment."

Her: "Whatever. Bye."

 

Depends what you're after with this convo enol. You come accross as disinterested and a bit cold mate. If that's what you want - then you have achieved it.

She is asking questions, and you are giving short answers and asking her nothing. She puts this down to you being busy, but when she asks if you are, you tell her that you are not.

The conclusion that she has drawn (and it's the same one that I would have drawn) is that you are not interested in chatting to her at all.

Look at how it could possibly have turned out:

Her: Still no Job?

You: Not yet, I am a man of leisure

Her: Nice little summer vacation

You: Well the yacht takes up most of my time, and of course there's my charity work...

Her: Haha - seriously, any opportunities?

You: I'm waiting on some callbacks, how's things with you?

Her: I'm good - I've been

You: That's great Sorry, not being rude but I've got to rush off...God help me fitting everything in when I *do* get a job! Chat later!

Same questions from her - different reactions from you and all of a sudden the 'mood' of the interaction takes a whole new light.

To be brutally honest enol, the conversation you posted above would have me reluctant to start one up with you again in the near future - you've given her absolutely no reason to *want* to chat to you.

The one that I've altered makes you seem light-hearted and lifts the mood - not only that, you cut it short because *you* are busy.

You are annoyed with her and it shows in the way you have interacted with her - not exactly keeping your emotions in check mate.

going out with a friend

today

 

thank you GOD!

Good move Rawk - keep yourself occupied and try to keep discussing your ex to a minimum.

Re-aqauint yourself with all the friends you may have lost touch with, they are the most valuable attribute (along with family) that anyone can have - and what's more, they're for life.

it hurtss

its like 5 o' clock now

in the morning

 

i was doing so good

Just keep re-reading these forums Rawk.

The truth of the matter is that you feel that contacting your ex will make you feel better, but it won't.

What if he ignores you?

What if he tells you to leave him alone?

What if he says something bad about you?

You have the power in this situation - that power lies in your ability to control your own actions. You can try to control your thoughts and emotions with some success, but ultimately you must use your strength to stop yourself from acting on impulses.

It *does* get easier as the days pass - you will have moments where it feels unbearable, but remember that your ex is not the one you should be relying on to make yourself happy. YOU are the only one that can do that.

To be happy, you need self-respect and a sense of worth - contacting him won't give you that, it may very well have the opposite effect.

Stay strong Rawk - you WILL get through this....and the longer you stay strong, the more your ex will wonder why you haven't weakened.

Be proud babe - you're doing just fine.

Ok i will

 

And everytime i feel the need to contact him

I will just come in my post

and read all the advice i was given

You'd better

Ok thanks

 

I will definitely stop focusing on the message

And stop blaming myself

I'm thankful for your help...

 

Its just been so hard these past few days with out seeing him or talking to him... Ugh its hurts so bad..

But i managed to stop the crying

I've been very happy all day without him

Now you're on the right track. Just keep focussed on the fact that he broke up with you over something completely insignificant.

Believe me, I know how hard it is to stop from contacting someone. You'll have times when you think you know exactly what to say to make things better (just about everyone on the board has had those moments) but do NOT act on them - they never turn out as we expect, and we end up feeling worse (you may not believe that feeling worse is possible, but it is...when you start losing your self-respect).

You are on the right track here - noone is saying that you shouldn't feel bad, but what we are saying is that you shouldn't feel responsible.

This was his decision, so make him live with the consequences - do not validate his behaviour by contacting him and making him feel as though he was right.

Stay strong.

The fact that he dumped me over that has been bugging me

Its like he was just waiting for me to do something stupid

But do u think i was childish in putting the message up?

Your message is insignificant.

Was it childish? Perhaps...I don't know.

The question you should be asking yourself is this: Was the message something that should instigate a break-up?

And if the message was the reason that he has given you, then the answer is a resounding NO.

You need get yourself a little angry here - he has seemingly broken up with you because of your away message. That is not reasonable, and you should not feel responsible for the break-up because of it.

My impression is that maybe he *was* looking for a way out, and is using this (your message) as an excuse. That in itself is extremely poor form and selfish - he is attempting to make you feel bad for something that is completely unrelated to the issues he may have had with the relationship.

The advice I posted earlier still stands - stop focussing on your message, and start focussing on how disgraceful it is that he would use it as an excuse to discard your relationship.

Again, do not give him the emotional reaction that he expects - give him the opposite. If he does happen to contact you, pull the rug from under him and tell him that you don't want to be with someone who would end a relationship over something so insignificant - tell him that you want to be with someone that is willing to talk through problems rather than seek an easy way out...and then terminate the call.

Trust me on this, he will not know what hit him, your self-esteem will be maintained and he will either want you back or you will be a helluvalot closer to moving on without him.

Do *not* contact him though - do nothing at the moment.