majord23

Hey guys,

One thing I would like to suggest before you get back with your ex is to get the truth out about what happened when you were apart. Who u slept with and did what with and such. She got pissed right off when I told her how many girls I slept with. So make sure thats over with before you begin anything.

 

Karl.

Funny you should say that mate. I went out with a girl for a few months and we had that particular discussion. She ended up dumping me after a few months.

Anyway, we got back together about 6 months later and we had the same talk. Her 'number' had gone up by 1...mine had increased significantly.

She said: "So you lied the first time?" - I just looked at her with a straight face and said: "No".

As bad as it sounds, I felt great - it was my little bit of unintentional revenge on her for cutting me loose. It still makes me smile

Bad major....bad, bad major ](*,)

Hey, don't take my word for it. Go through all of the posts of guys in your situation and find me one that has gotten his ex back by this method. Not counting my personal experience (which supports my view), but I've never seen one guy who has gotten back into a stable long term relationship by doing this hanging around in limbo thing. I have seen a few guys get their exes back by doing what I suggest, but in all the other cases the guy gets over his ex, feels better, and never looks back. It's win-win.

 

Hanging around in the background simply does not work.

I would usually agree with this, but not on this occasion. There don't seem to be any major issues in the break-up (unless T&T hasn't mentioned them).

His ex's behaviour is far less ambiguous than most - to the objective eye, her behaviour has changed significantly seemingly without any major trigger apart from time and distance.

I think to 'call her on it' by asking what her intentions are may have her running for the hills, when just waiting a few weeks might have her taking more positive steps towards reconciliation.

As for using this 'method' to get an ex back - hell, I've done it. Going back a few years, an ex dumped me, I went no contact and 4 months later she reappeared with a few ambiguous emails. I didn't pounce on her and ask her what she wanted - I just treated her like a new girl that had entered my life....we got back together 2 months later and were together for over a year.

I have no doubt that if I had asked her what her motivation was for contacting me at the beginning that I would have lost the opportunity to go out with her again.

T&T aint 'hanging around in limbo', he isn't being her friend in the hope that she will magically fall in love with him - I don't see it as being one of those situations that you (and I) think should be avoided at all costs. I think this particular case is different.

There has been a break-up, there has been time apart, there have been no major issues since the break-up, she hasn't used him as a 'crutch.....and now she certainly seems to be making the right 'sounds'.

I say wait and see. No sudden movements.

Ok, no offense, but this is nuts. You both love each other but you broke up because you are convinced that she "might" want to see other people and party? Shouldn't that be her decision.

I can't speak for the OP, but in my experience no-one breaks up just for this reason. I think he ended the relationship for reasons that may have *included* this, but not for this alone.

I agree with your post - if you love someone and want to be with them, you stay with them, case closed.

I may be reading between the lines here, but I think he is going through emotions that alot of 'dumpers' go through - but the sigificant difference is that he isn't acting on them (thus confusing his ex) - and I think that that is a noble quality to possess.

If all 'dumpers' were this conscientious, there would be alot less confusion expressed on these boards methinks.

Can I just say that I am so impressed by the way you are handling the situation thusfar. You have not acted on your jealousy, which is something that some people twice your age cannot boast.

You have been, and continue to be, mature about this break-up. You should be proud...and I sincerely mean that.

If you acknowledge that you can't be with your ex at the moment, then I think that you should set her free - just as you have done. Although you have already exhibited the strength to deal with the pain of her (potentially) moving on, I think you should avoid putting yourself in the position of receiving such information about her again - how you go about doing that is up to you.

My suspicion is (and you know your ex better than me) is that the pictures with the 'new guy' are there purely to make you jealous/or get a reaction out of you. I only say this because you are technically the person who ended the relationship and sometimes a 'dumpee' will attempt to ilicit jealousy to get an ex back or to hurt them.

Once again my friend, it really was refreshing to read a post from someone who appears to have clung to objectivity at a time when it alludes most of us.

If you keep a level head about you, I believe that your 'next move' will become obvious to you.

I copy this. I'd rather be hung from a tree by the balls, lit on fire, spun around, and whacked like a pinata by lumberjacks than go through another one of these situations...from either side...

It's a toss-up for me...but that's just the kinda guy I am

Thankyou Majord! That makes a whole lot more sense than what i was thinking.

No prob mate. I know it's hard when you guys are familiar with each other, but if you can keep your 'old emotions' out of it for the time-being and view it as an entirely new and separate situation, I think you'll be on the right track.

Im just afraid of jumping to conclusions here. Is the best course of action here to contact her and ask her why all the sudden contact? Or should i just initiate a conversation .. and eventually ask it.

If someone you just met started contacting you more than expected or started flirting with you, would you ask them what they were doing? Or would you wait and see?

This is no different. Treat her as you would someone you are interested in that you think *may* be interested in you. No games, no second-guessing and no getting ahead of yourself.

Take it as it comes and see what happens.

Change your phone number, change your email address, change your name, change your pet's name, change your friends, quit your job, move cities, grow your hair, have breast augmentation, call yourself "Irene" and apply to NASA in the hope of becoming the first female volunteer on a space station on Neptune.

....or go no contact forever. Whatever you think is easier - it's your call.

This woman is toxic and should be avoided as such.

She texted me like 15 minutes after I sent it, I was on my way out of work.. and she is a combination of pissed among other things, she's still texting me at the moment asking why, and how our talk the other night meant nothing, and how when the relationship is put on me, I just give up..

Nope, nope, nope. There is nothing in your email that says you have given up. You have made it very clear that you want to be with her and that you are willing to work on getting back together - but only if she is willing to put the work in too. There is nothing unreasonable in that email mate, nothing at all. That is just commonsense and something that is NEEDED for a relationship to work.

From what I can tell mate, you *have* been working hard on this, but instead of supporting you in your effort, your ex has been doing nothing but making it harder for you. How is that helping with reconciliation - instead of encouraging you, she actually makes you feel worse about it. Ridiculous.

Again mate, your email contains absolutely nothing that should make her angry. Her anger is (once again) a tool that she is using to force you into a submissive position, willing to take steps to appease her. She is doing it because it has worked before - and she will continue to do it for as long as it serves its purpose.

Not any more though pal - you have to make sure that your actions are consistent with the content of your email. Do not be pulled in by her emotional blackmail (that is *exactly* what it is). Stand firm on what you said in the email and do *not* waiver.

This is the start of you regaining some self-respect, and taking responsibility for your own peace of mind - rather than relying on her to give it to you.

Hang in there bro.

You should be proud of yourself Ryan. You have now bared your soul to her - you've told her exactly how you feel and what you want.

You have also made it very clear that you understand that what you want isn't available to you at the moment, and that you won't settle for what *is* available to you at the moment.

Don't waiver now mate - stay strong and be comforted by the fact that you have done everything (and then some) to make a second chance work.

Do *not* forget the emotional roller-coaster that you have been on in trying to keep her 'on side' - that should be enough motivation for you to stay off that ride for the time being.

The ball is now in her court bro - don't wait for her to be ready, concentrate on getting *yourself* ready for your next relationship. It may be with her, it may be with someone else...but today you have taken a huge step in ensuring that your next relationship will be starting off on the right foot, and for that you should be applauded.

The next part is the hardest mate - sticking to it. You will have times when you will feel was though you *have* to contact her. You will start to wonder if your email made her angry and you will want to contact her for some reassurance. Do NOT act on those impulses pal, they will pass.

If ever you feel weak, come back to this thread and re-read the email you sent her: there is nothing more you can say to her, and there is nothing in your email that would make her angry.

If she does reply in anger - which is a definite possibility - remember that that is the behaviour she has used in the past to get a reaction from you, so it will be purely a response to get a reaction out of you.

Those days are over now mate - the days when she could moan and have you running to reassure her are in the past. You've turned over a new leaf, and if she wants to keep you then isn't it reasonable for you to expect her to turn over a new leaf too?

Post here as much as you need to bro.

So if I were to stop calling her, she's going to be pushed away and say my behavior is up and down again and just say screw it.

If you *keep* calling her she is going to view you as a pushover: "Look at smiles, I treat him like crap...and not only does he put up with it but he keeps coming back for more".

The more you put up with this, the more she views you as spineless. It's time you got yourself some self-respect pal.

She made it aparent that I had to do the work to make US work.

Does 'making it work' mean letting her act like a child and you pander to her? It seems that that's what she's doing - and you're indulging her.

So I was gonna ask her to the movies tonight, maybe I shouldn't.

No, you shouldn't. She was pissed at you for no reason last night and now you're not only going to let it slide, but you are going to *reward* her for it by taking her to the movies?? C'mon bro.

Maybe she wants me jumping through hoops. I cant handle this up and down behavior. UGH It's killing me.

Noone is making you tolerate it smiles - you are doing so by choice and thus have only yourself to blame.

Maybe I need to just tell her I dont think we should talk anymore, I dont see how I should be tolerating this behavior.. her looking at my ex's pictures saying it makes her feel like crap, and she's prettier than she is. And then she told me to look at her pics, so I did, and then got mad at me for it.

Now you're on the right track NO you do not have to tolerate it - so don't. Either tell her that you both have to work on the relationship, or go NC. Either way is a big step in the right direction.

Not to mention I went to that party and she kept saying "Oh, you are busy, dont talk to me when your in a crowd".. Jesus, what's her problem? She's like trying to make herself unhappy.

Nope, she is acting unhappy becaue she knows that it will get a reaction out of you. She moans, you increase your affection and effort. God, if I had someone doing that for me I'd moan all the time. You are *reinforcing* her behaviour smiles. Why should she change her behaviour when you are actually *encouraging* it??

And its not like im a bad looking guy, I have a good job (She really doesn;t) I'm not in debt like she is, I work out, am athletic, I get girls. For some reason I'm stuck on this one!

The reason you are stuck on this one is because she is treating you like crap. She is diminishing your self-respect to the point that you feel everything you do has to please her, even if it means making yourself feel worse.

Time to be a man smiles. Grow some balls and tell her that her childish behaviour has to stop. If you can't respect yourself enough not to be treated like crap, how can you expect her to respect you?

I know I've been reasonably harsh in this post bro - no offence intended, but you've got to snap out of it and get some control of your life back - whether it be with her or without.

Any thoughts? I went to a halloween party last night, and I called her from it to see if she was OK. She kept sayins " You sound busy since your out, I dont really wanna talk".

 

So she gets pissed I went there too.. Jesus.

Why did you call her when you were out mate? Why would she *not* be ok?

This girl is making you jump through hoops - and when she's not doing it, you appear to creating your own hoops to jump through.

You called her and she was pissed. So...don't call her again. It sounds like she was out of order last night, so don't reinforce her behaviour by contacting again.

If you contact her again and act like nothing is wrong, she'll get the impression (quite rightly) that she can disrespect you and 'get away with it'.

From my past experiences in life in general, not just in relationships or breakups, giving anybody an ultimatum, usually results in them making a rash decision based on how they feel at that particular moment. Given that somebody giving an ultimatum is usually doing so for their own benefit, the person being asked for a decision usually goes against what the other person wants. Generally.

I agree. I don't believe in giving ultimatums unless it's an extreme case.

What I would certainly advocate in some situations however is asking a direct question in order to clarify a situation:

The difference being that an ultimatum is issued almost like a threat:

"Are we getting back together because if we are not then I'm out of your life forever".

Whereas a direct question will get an answer, but not back the 'questionee' into a corner:

"Is it over, or are you interested in working on getting back together?"

The second example gets an answer (hopefully) without making the person feel threatened or forced.

Then once the answer to the direct question is received, you can decide to get out of their life forever j/k

If I were you, my first priority would be to find out what is happening with your friends.

Just phone one of them up and tell them that you seem not to speak much anymore and that you're wondering if everything is ok.

Be open and honest and then at least you will know the real reason as to why things seem strained bewteen you and them. If it becomes apparent that your ex has been meddling in your friendships or bad-mouthing you behind your back - then you will know that she is playing massive games with you and that she aint worth your time.

The most important reason to do it though is because, well...they're your friends bro. And if there are issues that are impacting on good friendships that can be solved with some communication - then do it.

Sort your friendships first - and you might just find that you kill two birds with one stone.

I could be off base here - but the more I read about your situation, the more it reads as though she is taking advantage of your willingness to accept blame for the break-up.

She is kicking you while you're down (telling you why your friends are acting a certain way towards you etc.). Her statements seem designed to inflict pain on you rather than motivate you to take steps to change.

You seem to be submitting to her every request and my belief is that she will continue to do take advantage of this for as long as you are willing to bend over backwards to appease her.

Just my thoughts.

OK mate, then have you looked at *why* you were neglecting her?

Is that something that you would have done in any relationship (ie is it a fault that is inherent in you) or was it specific to her?

To put it in more simple terms: Was it you, or your r/s with her that lead you to neglect her?

It's great if you can identify the things you may have done wrong in a relationship - but fixing them is another issue. Sure you can try to win her over again, and you may be successful...but what do you plan to do to ensure that in 5 years time, you won't be working on your truck again with her sitting bored beside you?

Proving you can change short-term is a (relative) breeze, but you need to be thinking long-term.

You seem to be apportioning all the blame on yourself for the relationship break-down. Is there anything that she would need to change to make this work? If so, have you spoken to her about it? Or are you prepared to take full responsibility for the break-up?

I'm not looking for you to answer these questions - but just think about them before you do anything else.

Your post reads as though you single-handedly cause the downfall of the relationship - if that is true, then ok...see if you can fix it. But if you are only taking responsibility because you think that's what she wants you to do, or because you think that that is the only way to get her back...then you are setting the whole thing up to fail again.

I'm not saying that this *is* the case, but it has all the classic signs of him contacting you and keeping you in the picture whenever he finds himself single.

He may have met someone while he was communicating with you, or sorted out the problems in a relationship that he was already in. That is the first thing that looked plausible to me while reading your post.

Either way, you're not being fair to yourself to allow him to 'yo-yo' you like that.

Smiles,

What exactly did you do to push her away? Be specific.

heloladies is spot on. There is absolutely nothing wrong with getting everything you have to say off your chest - particularly in the early stages of a break-up.

But you have to make sure that you don't start rehashing it and attempting to clarify anything that you've said in your email (it doesn't need clarifying anyway). Yo've said your piece - now commit yourself to leaving your effort at that.

Stay strong pal. You're doing ok.

I don't think sending him a t-shirt will bring you even an inch closer to reconciling with him, but it could set you back if he doesn't reply (as much as you may think it won't).

We all look for excuses to contact an ex (Saw a movie they would like, their favourite band is in town, a relative had a baby etc etc.). And that is basically what they are - excuses.

I can't see much postitve to come out of it in terms of reconciling, but there are potentially alot of negatives - emotionally, for you. I wouldn't send it.

Jupiter,

 

 

LISTEN TO WONDERFULCONCLUSION.....You call....YOU WILL PUSH HER AWAY!!!

 

 

STOP BEING SO CHILDISH and DESPERATE...DO you think that looks attractive to her, a man that is begging and crying for his ex to come back?

 

Every woman wants a weak, childish, selfish and crying man around.....SURE CALL HER so when you post again...you can FEEL EVEN WORSE!!!!

 

 

No one wants you to hurt!!! YOU PICK UP THAT PHONE AND CAVE, YOU DO NOTHING BUT PUSH AWAY ANY ATTEMPT OF GETTING HER BACK...

 

 

 

 

USE YOUR HEAD!!!!! UNTIL YOU HAVE CONTROL OF YOURSELF AND EMOTIONS.....STAY AWAY FROM HER!!!

 

 

 

 

Your friend,

 

 

SuperDave71

Ditto

It sounds like he may be missing you, but that does not mean he wants you back.

The reality of life without you may be starting to sink in...but again, that does not necessarily mean that he wants you back.

It's up to you whether you respond to him, but just be very wary of getting your hopes up.

If you do respond to him, you may get more of an idea of what is going on in his head - but by no means should you put yourself on the line (emotionally).

It goes without saying that ff you are 'done' with the relationship then you should continue with NC.

I think he does it for the same reason that *anyone* does when they implement NC (whether they be the dumper or the dumpee).

He knows that NC is the right thing to do but when faced with the reality of trying to stick with it, it proves more difficult than expected.

Do not read anything into it - he is having trouble adjusting to life without you, just as you are adjusting to life without him.

It's never too late and never too early to go NC. The people who 'fail' NC are the ones that expect it to bring an ex back.

Because faced with no reaction from the dumper, they feel the need to 'try something else' to get a reaction....and so the cycle begins again.

The day you implement NC for you and you alone, and prepare to never hear from an ex again, is the day that NC starts to serve it's true purpose.

There aren't many people who haven't begged/pleaded or said something they've regretted when being 'dumped' (myself included), so don't dwell on what you did or didn't do and start dwelling on what you *can* do as of today.

And always put yourself first.

Regarding NC and reconciling: The two are not related. One is to heal, the other indicates getting back together. In order for you to be on top of your game, you must be healed and confident.

 

In my opinion, I believe the quality of your relationship you had with your ex plays an important factor in determining whether or not you two can even talk again. Of course, the quality relates to how you made him feel during the course of the relationship.

 

Right now, if I were you, I'd continue to focus on healing. Focus on you, you, and you. Looking back, the best investment I ever made was in myself. Take this critical time to heal and improve. One day, it will be noticed. If it's not noticed by your ex, then likely someone else.

Great post.

I do think that strict NC can bring an ex back for a variety of reasons:

1) The relationship was solid, and the ex has realised that the grass isn't greener

2) The relationship wasn't that great, but the ex fears losing the 'dumpee'.

3) The ex returns because they miss the familiarity - regardless of the quality of the relationship.

Despite this, NC should not be implemented assuming that any of the above *will* occur. Sure it can happen, but realistically only in the minority of occasions. And even then, if the relationship being revisited wasn't spectacular...then inevitably it will end again.

NC is for healing - anything else that happens as a consequence is out of the dumpee's control and thus should not be paid much heed.