majord23

Nick,

I'm going to be blunt here mate - you need to stop focussing on her.

You are relying solely on her for your happiness. You are entrenched in a mindset that has you looking for any little sign within her communication that could give you hope.

The sooner you take control of yourself and your emotions, the sooner you will see that letting her go (and I mean really letting her go) is the first massive step forward.

Do what is best for you - stop worrying about how she may perceive anything you do. This isn't about her anymore.

There are so many people on the boards that have been in the same position that you are in right now. Ask the ones who have come through it just when they started to feel better - and I bet the majority of them will tell you it was the day that they stopped focussing on their ex and started focussing on Number 1.

She sounds very much like someone who is manipulating you to her advantage. She is downplaying her new fella and highlighting his weaknesses - lack of money/lack of affection - and is using you to plug those gaps. (no pun intended).

My advice is to cut her out of your life, go NC and don't come back. She may chase after you, or she may not - but you can take comfort in the fact that you are doing what is right for *you* not for her.

If you think you'll struggle to take such a big step, then start with a smaller one - next time she asks to meet you, don't jump at the chance. Tell her "Sorry, I'm busy - maybe another time?".

It seems that your self-esteem is taking quite a battering here and I think you need to work on building it up - saying no to her, is a small but very significant step towards doing that mate.

Nick,

Stop analysing every little thing mate - it's achieving absolutely nothing.

She came in, you guys didn't speak and then she left. Chapter closed.

It doesn't matter what she was thinking or why she came in. There is no-one here that can tell you. Hell, she may have spent ages procrastinating about whether to come in before walking through the door, or she may have made a split-second decision before walking in.

Draw a line under the interraction and keep moving on. Nothing you can say to her will make a difference at the moment - apart from moving on.

Majord,

 

Sorry to hear that.

 

My ex-girlfriend of 8 years is in a "rebound" now... I hope this isn't the case with her. Would you say those cases are the exception or the rule?

No need to be sorry mate, but thanks

I realised that the first ex wasn't for me long before she tied the knot - the second ex I realised wasn't for me pretty much the day I found out about her new relationship

I wouldn't say that they are the exception - most relationships end. That is a fact of life. I'd say rebounds possibly have less chance of lasting the distance, but it's still 50/50 - it will last, or it won't.

I agree, but here is the thing. She says she is attracted to me. If fact she told me she is very attracted to me. That is what baffles me. How can you be attracted to someone and not feel chemistry? That doesn't make sense to me. But I here what you are saying. I am not trying to talk her into loving me. I am not. I just want to know what the deal is. That is all.

To be honest, I don't think she knows what the deal is - so even asking her directly isn't going to make things any clearer.

I'm attracted to lots of girls (probably too many for my own good )...but among those are lots that I wouldn't necessarily want to be in a relationship with.

If you were to ask me why, I'd be hard pressed to give you an answer because I don't know myself.

I could always say it was 'chemistry'....but that wouldn't be a completely accurate reason, just a word that I might feel 'fits'. See what I'm getting at here drum?

I have read a lot of posts on here and it always seems the same. The dumpee wanders how the dumper can move on so quick. All I'm saying is that maybe appearances can be deceiving.

Sometimes, sometimes not.

My last 2 signifcant exes have technically 'rebounded'. One got married to her 'rebound' in August and the other is living with hers.

It's usually only possible to diagnose a rebound after it has ended. Until then, it is a relationship - just like any other.

Wrong approach mate. You cannot debate feelings with logic...and that is what you are trying to do.

You are trying to convince her that there is chemistry - do you really think that's possible??

We cannot choose who, or what we are attracted to. If you want her to be more attracted to you, you need to act *not* speak.

Rebounds are used to fill a gap. That doesn't necessarily mean that a 'rebounder' wants their ex back - the significant relationship may have ended for legitimate reasons.

Someone rebounding is no more or less likely to come back to an ex - and if they *do*, sometimes it's not for the right reasons....sometimes they are rebounding from the rebound.

In a nutshell: She told you to go for the other girl because she wanted you to say: "No, don't be silly - I'm not interested in her".

On not getting the reply she wanted, she took it to the next level and acted annoyed/upset to get your attention and have you reassure her. This worked.

She was then happier and acted if she didn't care or nothing happened because she had achieved what she wanted.

This is all subconscious of course, and not malicious. She was jealous - that doesn't necesaarily mean that she wants you back but it could means that she doesn't feel comfortable with you moving on before her.

If you want her back, be nice to her by all means - but move on with your life and stop reacting to her attempts to get you to reassure her.

By moving on you will either get her back or...well,...move on. Either way you win.

I agree with robo, but with a different motivation.

She is expressing these feelings and let's face it - it's a big red flag. Something is missing from your relationship, that she cannot (and possibly noone can) define.

If the problem can't be diagnosed, then a realistic solution can't be found.

I can only see this as being a long, drawn out break-up from here. You'll have good times...followed by her indecision....and so on and so forth until the relationship ends.

I would definitely consider walking away. It may have her running back to you (if the chemistry that is she says is missing is related to her feeling too 'comfortable' with you) but I think your motivation for ending it should be to preserve yourself.

If you 'dump' her and she does come running back, it then opens a whole other bag of cats (can of worms poor cousin ). It then has you attempting to keep that 'chemistry'...which basically means keeping her slightly insecure the whole time. Which aint the healthiest.

I'm sorry if this sounds pessimistic, and I may be completely wrong - but that's the way I see it playing out at the moment.

My advice: Walk away before she does.

I'll tell you a story (that I've told before) that may keep you strong mate.

Short version:

A friend of mine had her heart shattered by a guy who entered an arranged marriage within weeks of the relationship ending - she was aware that this was going to happen all along.

Fast forward to about 6 months ago - he got in touch with her. He was still married but wanted to commence an affair with my friend. Against my advice, she did. But fortunately she 'saw the light' and dumped him a few months later.

Anyway, the married ex chased and chased to the point where my friend was getting really angry at him for not respecting her wishes etc etc. Eventually he stopped calling and texting.

Another couple of months go by and it's her birthday - at the end of the night at her party, she says to me with a sad look on her face: "I can't believe he didn't contact me for my birthday".

Yep - the guy that shattered her heart but then becamse a right royal pain in the a**....she actually missed him *because* he didn't text.

The irony is that I can almost guarantee that if he *had* contacted her she would have been angry at him for not letting her go.

I also have little doubt that if he wasn't married and was still 'available' that she would have contacted him a few days later.

Sometimes silence sends a more powerful message than any words ever could.

Texting her will be a massive step back smiles. Don't start to convince yourself that it's a good reason to do it or that it's 'rude' not to. It's BS.

If your goal is to get back together with her, then no text is a more positive step than sending one. But most importantly - do it for you.

If this keeps going on, I am going to sound like (well I will be) a pretty busy guy or one that is trying to avoid her at all costs, but I fear I will lose them by being disrespectful. If I keep avoiding events involving my ex., I am afraid I might be excluded from all other functions in the future.

....or your friends may understand that you're going through a rough time at the moment and cut you some slack.

Annie ,

We have looked at what we percieve as warning signs from our partners, but what if those warning signs are a *indirect* response to our own patterns of behaviour, that we are not aware of ???

Mate, I think that if via some introspection you discover that this is potentially what is happening, then you adjust your behaviour accordingly (provided that you recogninse that your behaviour is unreasonable etc).

Your other option, if you suspect that this is the case but aren't sure, is to ask your partner.

I would hope that in a solid relationship, that these behaviours would be raised and discussed by 'the other half' before the red flags started appearing however.

Is that a fair assesment?

As fair as it comes ILP.

I know it's hard at the moment to view this with objective eyes, but if you are able to - you will see that you are being treated unfairly here mate (or *allowing* yourself to be treated unfairly).

If I was with someone that I wanted to be with, but had an ex hanging around 'in the background', I would have NO problem texting, emailing, calling etc to tell them (nicely) what was happening in my life and that contact would have to stop.

I wouldn't for a moment consider meeting with them face to face if the person I loved wasn't comfortable with it.

Your girlfriends unwillingness to extend you the courtesy of giving you peace of mind, and avoid hurting you is worrying to say the least.

What the ?????

 

I've tried to end it with her and go NC several times before and she would literally fight me to make it not so.

And just to focus on this - this girl was extremely insecure when you withdrew from her life.....wouldn't it stand to reason that she may also be insecure if the other guy is withdrawing from her life?

She seems to be attracted (to a degree) to that which she cannot have/is about to lose.

Food for thought ILP.

Very many thanks for the feedback.

 

Major - her reasoning was that it was unfair to not let him know and simply discontinue contact. Prior, I've told her the exact thing that you just mentioned... it is dissrespectful of her to continue to do this, knowing that we are trying to get back together and it upsets me. She claims she hasn't texted him back since we had this talk, until.... He has been texting her random things, and to give him a hint, she mentioned that her and I are getting back together. At this point, she says that is when he starts coming on with the 'i really like you, blah blah' texts and it took her by surprise. She then started texting him back about the 'we need to talk...'.

Her reasoning is correct, BUT meeting up with him (if her intentions are sincere) is actually doing him no favours. Search these boards - you'll find countless posts made by people that have met with exes and taken *massive* steps backwards as a result.

Coupled with the fact that she has been swapping flirty texts with him, and finally texting "I miss you"...then you can only imagine how painful it would be for him to finally meet her and be told to stop contacting her.

So if THAT is her justification, then it makes no sense whatsoever.

The above is written on the assumption that her motivation is genuine...but I have my doubts as to whether it is. Her behaviour indicates that she doesn't want to be seen as the 'bad guy' by either you or the other fellow....so is keeping you both 'on side'.

How do you know that she isn't meeting up with him to reassure him that you and her aren't serious? Maybe he heard about your reconcilation and started to pull away....and she is now in 'damage control'.

Maybe she is scared of being with you without him lurking in the background - there are countless negative options here mate...and given her history of being 'less than honest' - I think you have to start considering that perhaps one of the 'negative options just may be accurate.

If you are with her, I would have thought that your feelings would take priority over his - if she isn't in agreement with that, then you have to wonder just where her affections are.

I agree that it comes down to how much you are willing to trust her.

HOWEVER - Considering that she has a history with this guy, he still has feelings for her and she has lied to you about him in the past, I would be calling her on her BS.

Is she with you, or with him? She is being totally disrespectful to you and needs to be told.

She can block his number, ignore his contact...hell, there are 100's of steps that she could take to get him out of her life - yet she chooses to meet him face to face, and pre-texts it by texting him that she misses him????

Snap out of it mate - you are allowing her to play you for a fool. And if she is being honest about her intentions in regards to meeting with him, then *she* is acting like a fool.

Sorry to hear this hjc.

Think back to the day that the relationship ended - how much you wanted to get back together and how much pain it caused you not to be able to do so.

Today, just like that day, has come down on you like a tonne of bricks. Shock, despair hopelessness...a full gamut of emotions hitting all at once.

It's a time when we feel most vulnerable.

THAT is when people become irrational and act on emotion rather than logic - THAT is when people beg, plead and take actions that they ultimately regret.

Those who fight those urges are the ones that come out stronger; with their pride intact.

Those who stay strong are the ones who have less issues to work through post break-up - because although they have to deal with the emotions of the break-up, they don't have to build their self-esteem from scratch.

Self-respect is the *most* important thing to maintain/get back after the end of a relationship NOT an ex.

The reason I am off on this tangeant mate, is because you are in that position now pal - you have been dealt a blow, and one that has you reeling - do not act on your emotions though hjc, do anything you have to resist....but stay strong.

Ultimately acting will achieve nothing at the moment. Take some time out, post on the boards as much as you need to until you start to see things through logical, rather than emotional eyes.

We're here for you mate.

Don't always believe what you hear and try not to analyze it.

 

So unless they have something real important to say (like I love you and I want you back) you should take everything they say after a break-up with a grain of salt and focus your energy on healing yourself and becoming a better/stronger person instead of over analyzing their words and wasting time.

Absolutely spot-on DG.

In my honest opinion, a dumper won't spend much time lanalysing what they are about to say before saying it.

Taking that into consideration, 'dumpees' shouldn't spend too much time analysing those same things - usually meanings will be found that are in fact non-existent.

Just gonna bump this sucker - someone new to the board might get something out of it.

Yea, I will use this thread for my journal.. Day 1 NC.. I feel like I gained some self respect back..

Brilliant mate - just take it one day at a time. Just like any 'addiction', don't focus on weeks or months...just focus on getting through today, and then start again tomorrow morning.

And yeah, if you *do* feel like you are weakening and going to contact her - post exactly what you plan to do on this thread and then wait 24 hours to see what everyone here has to say.

Stay strong.

You'll find plenty of websites that will tell you how to be an alpha male for free as well

PERSONALLY..I disagree with Calgary's advice on being honest about that stuff.

 

First of all it is NOT your business who your ex was with when you

were broken up. How is it going to benefit your relationship in a positive

way to do that?? Besides....it's tactless and undignified.

I would never ask my partner that question, simply because it would

hurt me too much. I would ASSUME he was with others....

and acknowledge that he was perfectly within his rights to do so..as

I would be.

Amen to that.

So tell me how you guys would have felt if the gals had told you they had banged about 10 guys while you were apart?

I wouldn't like it one bit and if it were my choice I would not have had the conversation the second time - it was initiated (and indeed insisted upon) by my girlfriend.

I'm not advocating having this conversation at all - I think what happens while two people are broken up is none of the others business. While honest and open communication is the foundation of a solid relationship - being open and honest about this issue (I think) is possibly the most counter-productive thing you can do.

I was just relaying my experience - Don't misinterpret story-telling for agreement