Earlier this July, my grandmother passed away due to cancer. I was alone that time for I had just been ignored by my best friend and that my brother would go somewhere else for studies. I was at first lonely and sad when I went back to school. Then I got close to friend and we got on quite well. Then she had to move away because her father had to work somewhere else.
I sometimes wonder why god is being cruel to me. But I don't mind all the suffering He has put upon me. I went through the lonely times, now I've turned into a loner. When I know who will be going to my next semster's class, I wanted to rant and rave. I hated some of them but I did not despair though I will have a major exam next year.
I know I'm not the worst in the world, so I went on. Now my brother is back because of his holidays, at first I wasn't used to his presense but then I got okay.
The greatest impact on me now is that I think I'm sick and I'm young. I had only gone to the hospital due to my illness for 2 times. None of which I suffered a major illness. But now I think I'm falling into the same fate of my grandmother, though I try to convince my self that it might be only tumour or eating disorders. I'm scared and I have no one to share my fears with. I have no one to go to.
My mother knows that there is something wrong with me. She's sending me for a check-up in a few days time. My mother doesn't seem to understand my fear though she claims she does. I wanted to go to a psychologist but she says the insurance won't pay for it. I'm scared right now. I fear for the worst. If I were to be in a dangerous disease, will I survive? I don't seem to have anything to live for now... I'm scared for pain too.....I also live in a quite supersticious family. I'm scared almost every second now because I see everything having a meaning, telling the future which I don't like.
I'm also scared of the many stages that I have to go through in the check-up. I have to be admitted. Knowing my experience, I'm shaking everytime I think of it. I try to shove the feeling and the thoughts away but to no avail. Is god testing me if I'm tough enough again? I wonder if I can go on.
Please help me if you can. I am sorry because what that is supposed to be a short story has turned to a long one. Your quotes and advice can help me get through this difficult time. I say thanks in advance to those who read, give me their advise and their support . Thanks...
