sweetharmony

I know exactly what you are going through. It has been two weeks since my ex and I broke up. I left something at his house, so I e-mailed him casually to ask him to mail it to me (a necklace) so I didn't have to see him. I said, I hope you're doing well, (very light) and he e-mailed me back saying "i'm okay, but not doing well. every time i think about the pain of our separation, i feel helpless and sorrow knowing that you feel the same way and I want to be there to comfort you and protect you. I know the necklace is precious and I wouldn't feel right putting it inan enevelope, would you like me to bring it to you?" WTF????!!!!!!!!!!!

Well, I e-mailed back two days later and said casually, yeah, maybe ewe could meet somewhere in the middle. i didn't mention anything about pain or sorrow. Well, he suggested meeting at an orchid show and going together, b/c he knows thati love orchids and we did. everything was cheery and happy, until he brought up the fact that he's never been so close with anyone ever and wants to remain friends. it's only two weeks and though I acted like everything was okay, seeing him was fine, until he mentioned the friend thing. I was uttlerly in shock. even though i didn't expect anything from this mtg. in the back of my head, i was hoping he wanted to get back or somehting or try and work it out.

well, we talked for a few minutes and told him i was okay and handling the breakup better this week, but it would take me a while to get over. We broke up over a stupid thing- amicable, but over something so stupid, as a comment. He has never gotten close to anyone, even friends and wants to keep this closeness while he may date other women. i told him i'd think about it but that i'd need time. Why is he so stubborn. I think he wants to eventually get back, but is holding me on a string, while he dates other people. My advice to you, son't see him. It's too difficult, esp. if you want to get back w/ him. Way too painful. I know it will be fine until he starts dating other people. Not being able to kiss him was hard!!!!!!!

Now, after the mtg. I feel like i'm back to square one in pain, like i'd just been dumped again and the last two weeks of healing were pointless.

I agree with everything Mahlina said. there are some women that like it and some who don't. I personally don't. but a few of my girlfriends do. the girls making a circle to push the guy away or friends rescuing- it's something girls have learned instinctively over the years, but yeah, that's disinterest, when a girl's friend happens to grab the girl you're dancing with to pull her away. girl's give each other looks that only girls can read and when a friend can sense their girlfriend needs to be rescued, she jumps in. Rarely, if a girlfriend senses her friend is enjoying the dancing will she intervene.

I don't like the grinding, but i love to dance. Like Mahlina, i like guys who can be funny and make fun of themselves on the dance floor- my ex was like that. He'd do this stupid robot dance as a joke (with such a serious face) and i thought it was the cutest thing- because he knew it looked stupid. that's just me. it's all about confidence, not cockiness. but when a guy is serious, salsa, tango, swing, etc... much more sexy than grinding. and respectful. who wants to hump on the dance floor? that's not really dancing to me. but just my opinion.

it sounds like she likes you, but still loves her ex. (my thought) she hopes that things will work out with her ex, but is keeping you as back-up in case things don't work out b/w her and her ex. I think the phone thing may or may not be true. you never know. my phone dies all the time- it's horrible and then people can never get a hold of me (only have one cell and one cordless) both w/ poor batteries. but that's not the point. if you want to stay friends with her, fine. but don't be the pathetic guy waiting for her to come to you. would you want to be the one she runs to after her and her boyfriend breakup again (which is inevitable)? If you want to be her friend, fine. I think she was pretty honest with you. she didn't have to tell you about her ex. BUT it was pretty rude that she dissed you and didn't give you notice prior to the date. that was pretty rude. she could have found a phone elsewhere or at least text messaged you.

But , if you want to be a friend, fine. but if she does something like that again, then I would make it very clear that friends don't cancel plans, etc... don't put up w/ that kind of behavior. but everyone makes mistakes, so you have to give people chances to prove themselves better.

....Maybe if you're her friend, she'll realize how great you are and when things go awry w/ her ex, she'll realize that the two of you have a bond. but don't wait around for that, 'cause you never know. date other people and when/ if she does realize she likes you, don't jump at the chance to date her. take it slow, b/c people who keep running back to bad exes tend to repeat that pattern many times.

I think your fiance needs some counseling. it sounds like a psychological problem. He won't even kiss you on the lips? What does he think about sex? i oculd deal with the not sharing food thing, but the no kissing. that

s tough. Have you sat down and talked with him. have you asked him why? what is his aversion? you need to seriously do that before you get married. if he can't be open to discussion or change, that's a problem.

I am not religious by any means, but sometimes I feel that "bad things happen to good people" because it sometimes teaches us lessons. It saddens me, but tragedies often bring family members closer . Also, we become more spiritual in desperation, and learn to appreciate the little things in life when we are in fear. I guess I look at life like a series of lessons. Sometimes it's difficult, but we have to make the best with what we have. This is my belief. I've been through depression. I've often thought of the same things you have. feeling helpless to change others' circumstances. Learn to appreciate what you have. Volunteer your time to others who aren't as fortunate. you might be surprised, but many people learn to appreciate what they have. some people who become paralyzed in a car accident may be overwhelmed with depression at first, but many learn to cope and find positives. it's all about the way we use the cards we 've been dealt. and we never do know. I'd like to believe in reincarnation or life after death. but the truth is, we will never know. there isn't a way, unfortunately. we must try to live our lvies as meaningful as possible and try and do good unto others. that's my philosophy. i hope you learn to cope with your intense sadness. think about joining the peace corps. i think an experience like that might be meaningful. just an idea that I've often thought about.

hey there, i went through almost the same things as that girl, except i did the breaking up. pretty scary similarities that I have w/ the girl. well, since you broke up with her, why should she call you? she was probably hurting so much that she needed a rebound relationship. you broke her heart. i was in a four year relationship and i thought i might marry my boyfriend, but was worried that our hum drum everyday life was all that i would look forward to. i had been thinking about moving to another state and going to grad school and he knew wehn i did, it would be the end. well, i met someone new and broke off the four year relationship. he tried to make a mends to no avail. i needed someone new to feel that passion we lost, but it was rebound and after three months my new fling was over and reality hit me. i started to feel the immense pain of the breakup. my ex and i remained friends for a while until he got a new gf and by the time in realized what i had lost, he didn't want anything to do with me anymore. we just lost complete contact, except occasional e-mails reagrding the dog we had together, that's all. i wish i had him in my life, but i know i'm not over him and the thought of knowing he's with this new girl for almost a year now, hurts so much (i saw them together a few mos ago). i'm still in pain. but i won't call him. i wish he'd just call me, but he won't. it's basically over and i've moved on- any communciation could bring me a few steps backwards, when i've made it so far forward. i think the break-up effected me more than it did him. there was a reason you broke up. you said it yourself, you know you could never get back w/ her. if you'd like to be friends and are okay w/ the emotional stuff of not getting abck together, then i don't see why not. you could send an e-mail. only if you know you're ready to define your relationshisp as such and you're okya w/ it. but she needs to be too. make sure you knwo what you want before screwing w/ her mind.

i also lost my boyfriend of fouryears over a year ago. i broke up w/ him and told him i wanted to reamin friends b/c i was bored or the humdrum of every day life- it felt liek wwe were married and i wondered what i was missing. for a while i enjoyed it. the shock didn't hit me at first, but then i wanted him back. i miss my ex terribly, and we tried to remain friends for a little while, until he got into a new relationship. then we basically lost touch completely. i still think of him often, but i know we cannot remain friends, w/ the emotions atill involved and all. ? are you ready to becme friedns and not expect to gert back together. if and only if you do not expect to get back together, then you can be friends. she didn't indicate that she wanted to get back together, so you have to take what she says at face value- she misses talking to you as you were her best friend and she doesn't want to lose your friendship. if you still need more time to heal, then you must tell her that. so that both of you can get over each other w/o any expectations. these weekly e-mails don't help, b/c it doesn't give you time to get over it. it sort of ikeeps the hope alive that you might get back together. you need to be prepared that if you remain friends, she might not get back w/ you. if you are still emotionally attached and hope that being her friend will win her back, stop communicating for a while. maybe she'll really miss you and realize what she lost and may wish to get back together for good. that's what it took me to realize that what i had was great, but it was too late at that point.

how small is your town. are you near kansas city? i'm guessing no. what are you doing with your life? perhaps you might want to venture into a city, being young and all. just for a few years. have a little fun and get some urban experience. you being 21, i can't imagine how many young people are in your small town. are you attached to your town b/c of work/ school/ family? just getting new experiences, you might enjoy it and then later you can go back to your town if it so pleases you. just another suggestion.

i think it's a beautiful poem, except for the first line, "her eyes warn of a storm ahead." to me that's interpreted as she seems devious and trouble is ahead. but that's just me. the rest is endearing. question, how long have you been dating? if less than a few months, it may be too early to show. but it's up to you and how close you are. if you feel comfortable and want to share it, by all means. that's just so sweet.

she might have been really nervous. it might have felt good. ask her what feels good. also, you want to touch her clitoris too. that would make her feel good. the inside of the vagina typically doesn't feel that great unless you hit the g-spot. read about that. i'm sure you can find an article on-line. every women is different and likes to be touched in a certain way, so you just have to experiment. she might not even know what she likes yet if she's never been fingered or ever masturbated. begin by touching her clitoris lightly and try various different things. sometimes the sensitive spot is hidden underneath the hood and needs gentle touching- soem women like it fast, others slow. communciation is key. ask her if it feels good when you try different things. make her feel comfortbale, by encouraging her to communciate. tell her you want to make her feel good and let her know it's okay to let you know.

good luck!

have you tried online dating? there may be a christian (or whatever religion you are) on-line dating site. i'm sure there is. or you can look at people's profiles and many have religion listed and those who feel it's impt. usually list it. that's my advice. type in christian and dating into google or something. something's bound to come up. or go to church singles groups. i know they have them. talk to your minister/ rabbi/ priest and ask if he knows any families with daughters, etc... talk to parents and ask them if they have any friends with daughters who go to church. people usually hate being set up by parents or parents friends, but i tell you it's not such a bad experience- at least they know that the person is a good person from a good family. trust your parents and friends, they sometimes have good judgement.

just some suggestions for finding a nice religious girl.

good luck!

you need to break it off soon, before you end up stringing her along. it's not fair to both of you, esp. her. she needs to know soon before she gets even more emotionally invested. then you're just wasting both hers and your time. she's looking for more commitment adn you'll never be able to give her that. the fact that you don't want to be involved with her family isn't going to change in the future, it wil make you resent the fact that you stayed in the relationship longer than you should have. sit her down and be honest, break it off gently. tell her you care for her and don't want ot hurt her, but you can't see being part of her family and you don't want that responsibilty and you can't see the relationship going anywhere. you'll be doing her a favor in the long run. let her heal now, before she invests any more time and emotions.

My ex bf and i broke up last Sunday. i left a CD at his home and i asked him to send it back to me. (this was Sunday too.) I just received the CD today, with a note, w/no to or from it just reads, "I'm sorry I poisoned your mind with my foolish words." this is written on a big white sheet of paper. do i respond to this and how? i really want to talk to him again and get back together, but he broke up with me. do i ignore it? should i send him an e-mail saying thanks for the CD (very casually)? Please read my other post for more background info on our relationship, i really want to get back together.

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hi, the first guy i was with was also too big for me. i was virgin and it was way too painful. but it just gets easier over time, she's probably worrying too much and it's causing her to tighten up- it can be psychological. vaginas are expandable, yes short in length, but try different positions, make sure that you can see her face while you're having sex. looking at her can ease some tension. make her feel at ease, so she can loosen up. doggie style- not a good position for this until she is comfortable. in certain positions, large penises can hit the cervix which can also cause pain. i'm telling you, it gets easier, and lube yes, impt. a women tenses up b/c she is scared. she needs to relax.

i completely understand what you mean. it's not that you want to know that your ex has a new boyfriend, it would just make it easier to know that when she does get a new boyfriend, it would be more clear that she is not coming back to you. right now, since she doesn't have a boyfriend, you still have this hope in your mind that she may come back and it's probably making it difficult to get onw/ your life thinking this b/c that fantasy is still there. but if she did get a new bf, it wouldn't be closure, it may be even more difficult. at least she was smart and didn't rush right into another one. maybe she needs time to heal. either way, you do need to get on w/ you life and know at this point that she's not coming back. (if she does, then you can take it from there) but she is probably hurting just as much as you are. it is often just as (if not more) painful on the breaker's heart. but you can never know what she's thinking. just keep your head up and like tinkerbell said, go out w/ friends, meet new people, do things that you enjoy and try to make sure that you don't fantasize about her coming back. if she does, she does. either way, you'rw okay with or w/o her. you sound as you're on the right track, healing and all. we go through periods after a break-up and sometimes we take steps back, the forward and others are stagnant- like this one. only time will give you closure. it gets much easier, i promise you.

harcam, sorry i did not read your previous post. i think i have a clearer picture now. i was in a similar situation. i was also in a rocky relationship for four years. we decided to be friends at the end of the relationship- i broke up w/ him and us seeing each other did not make me miss him. it sort of made me more confused whether or not i wanted to continue a relationship. once he stopped calling, i missed him so much and realized what i had lost- but it was too late. as the cliche goes, absense makes the heart grow fonder. sometimes people need some time apart to figure out what they truly want, what they are missing. you can't keep this back and forth friendship thing- esp. jumping into it immediately after a four yr relationship. if she really just wants to be friends, then both of you need time to heal. you can't just jump right into it, w/ all the emotions and feelings still there. you need to ask her what she wants, if she says friends, tell her that is a possibility in the future, but right now, you need some time to heal and you don't know how long it will be. if she wants to work on the relationship, she needs to be firmly committed to it and really needs to stop the push/ pull act- (i can relate to that- humans are such confusing creatures, we never know what we want- until we're frightened of losing it forever). you being there for her when she wants is just letting her be wishy-washy. she needs to know that you will not stand for this pulling away attitude, it's just not healthy for both of you. she needs to fear that she will lose you forever and that she needs to make up her mind. if she doesn't come back, then it wasn't meant to be. it may be a while that you are apart, but eventually she will make up her mind, but you need to be firm w/ her decision. if she says she needs time apart, then make it that- no meeting and sex on occasions- all contact must be severed for a while. even though she's the one to pull away, she probably still equates sex w/ emotions and it's hard that you don't call for a week after- that is heartbreaking for many women-even if it was their decision in the first place. let her know that you really care and want this to work, but if she can't commit to trying, then you need your time apart and don't call her at all, and if she calls you, make the conversations short and don't agree to meet her until she makes up her mind- again, no sex- unless you both are okay w/ it (which it sounds like she isn't, getting upset and all).

w/ my 4 year relationship, i was confused. my boyfriend was great, but the passion was gone. the fantasy of romance and we were stuck in a humdrum every day boring life. we lived together, had a dog together, i felt like i was married and it wasn't fun! i was scared that this would be like this for th rest of my life. granted, this guy was my best friend and i could tell him anything, but i couldn't continue like this forever w/ o seeing what else is out there. in wished for that intense passion that you get when you first meet someone, well i realized, that passion can never last and it subsidesd a bit and that security i had (and was afraid of and didn't want anymore) was now what i long for. we often don't realize what we had until we lose it. that's what she needs to realize.

also, about the trusting thing, do you still have issues with it? is that what your fights are still about? i'm not sure how you get past that one.

whoa? hold on there a minute? doing background checks? you need to stop that and trying to get involved in their relationshsip, or he is going to think you are paranoid and insecure. and he may eventually resent you. Even if you did find something- it's going to make him wonder about you. if you are really worried, his parents are worried and so is your roommate, then i maybe you have justification? but what are the facts that lead you to these thoughts? do you really believe she tried to poison him? or do you think you might be creating a fantasy in your head to helps ease the pain of all of this? if you have pure facts, then that's something else. sorry for being harsh about the fantasy thing. but sometimes we creat fanstasy in our heads.

i would sever all contact w/ him. he's playing games and trying to have his cake and eat it too. okay, so he's with a girl who he talks nasty stuff about. would you really want to be with a guy like that. he sounds like scum to me. and also, wouldn't you wonder if he talked nasty about you too?

well, the no contact rule can't work if you are still hanging out. you said you spent last weekend with her. i'm not sure if you had sex or not, but if you did, then you must call her. that's basically like being in a relationship. you didn't mention who broke up with who. the on/ off seeing/ not seeing eachother thing is not healthy. the no contact rule must be exactly that. not seeing or talking to each other at all, until bth of you figure out what you want- ie get back together. if she needs her space, then give it to her. talk to her first and let her know that you are confused and that you want to give her space until she figures out whether or not she wants to be with you. until then, these random hanging out on the weekends w/o any sort of commitment is confusing to both her and you, b/c you don't know where you stand. i've been in that situation before/ having sex with exes and them not calling for a week. too upsetting, too confusing- not knowing of we're getting back together or not. you need to know where both of you stand and make a firm commitment to your choice. establish whether or not you are going to need time apart or just friends w/ benefits or try9ing to work on getting back together- you both obviously haven't communicated this. once you establishe the boundaries, then both of you can work towards that. you can't do the hang out/ not call cycle. that's not the point of no contact- that's not letting you grow and learn how to be on your own- that sounds more like game playing to me. just my 2 cents.

i know it is hard for you right now, but i agree with the no contact rule. But i can however, relate to this guy. I had a pretty bad childhood. dysfunctional family sort of thing and often i never know what i want. i have a terrible fear of having children and getting married b/c I don't want to repeat the same dysfunctional patterns of my parents (which i seem to keep doing in my relationships, rolldercoaster, push pull, emotionally draining drama). i have a fear, but also, i really long for a healthy

relationship and the children, but i keep finding too many faults in all the guys i date, no matter how great they are. i push them away, b/c i'm too afraid of getting hurt.

b/c of the age difference, he may think that one day you'll abandon him- he may have those kinds of issues and feels that he needs to abandon first- to be in control- but i'm not an expert, so i can't diagnose. i can't tell what he's thinking, he could be telling you the truth or being defensive. it sounds as if this guy needs to get professional counseling to understand his actions and realize what he is doing and begin to work on his issues. but at his point, he needs to figure it out for himself and you shouldn't contact him. just my feeling about the situation. good luck and begin to heal- you really don't want to be in a relationshsip like that until he is stable and secure enough. which could take a long time.

frank sinatra or any jazz music is always romantic- in my opinion. cooking together is the ultimate most romantic thing ever and of course, red wine- like GeeCee said. something light, music definitely. maybe even dance with her a little (i know, sounds cheesy, but if done at the right moment for just a second, could be very effective). flirting while cooking, cute light kisses on the cheek is just so nice. my ex used to cook gourmet meals for me, and let me tell you, a man in the kitchen is the sexiest thing ever. just watching him work made me want to keep kissing him. it turned me on more than anything. (i know, that's so bad).

her calling you for her stuff back b/c she probably wanted to talk to you (of course, she also wants her stuff, but she could have e-mailed you). When i called my most recent ex sunday after we broke up- my reason for calling, too was that i left something there- yes i wanted it back, but i also wanted to hear his voice and show him that i still cared by calling- instead of just e-mailing. i wanted him to say something to make me feel better, but to no avail.

and about the new guy she's dating. don't worry too much about him- could be rebound. i broke up with my boyfriend (previous ex, not most recent) of four years over a year ago and jumped right into another relationship - which i later regretted. it was rebound and this guy helped ease the pain of my breakup. i didn't realize it then, b/c i thought i liked him, but it wasn't real. he comforted me, while i was really supposed to heal on my own, alone. the fact that she really didn't have much to say on the phone and there were awkward silences, shows that she didn't want to get off the phone. it's good that you ended it. she was probably a little awkward as to what to say, but the fact that she didn't end the conversation after she asked for her stuff back shows that she was hoping you would continue a conversation.

sending a birthday card is still a nice gesture. it shows you still care. and it will drive her crazy wondering what your intentions were. esp. if there is no phone call to accompany the card. she'll probably call you. but, no contact otherwise.

I was recently dumped by my boyfriend of 2 mos. Despite the fact that we didn't date long, we became extremely close- mabe too close. very open and honest about our feelings. he even told me that he has never gotten so close to anyone ever- never been in a relationship longer than two mos, never been or said he was in love, never revealed any of his mental problems to anyone. Well, i think us becoming so close so fast ruined things. we knew too much about each other and started being way too honest that our conversations started becoming long discussions- we were just getting emotionally drained from each other- instead of having fun- we became each other's psychologists instead of boyfriend/ girlfriend. i pushed him to break up with me and he did. both of us care so much for each other-often, i live in the past or future and not the present. well, that has also damaged our relationship. when i pushed him to break up with me, we talked over the phone for 5 hours. i didn't really beg or plead or cry- just a little coercing to no avail. we just talked about it and he thought about getting back, but he couldn't promise anything long-term. he didn't want to "string me along," knowing the same cycle of push and pull would eventually wear our relationship down again and he couldn't bear the recurring pain. we ended our conversation on a good note and i haven't called him since Sunday and won't. i'm much better now, but still feel pain. i'm afraid that since we haven't spent a significant amt. of time together, that there just aren't enough great memories for him to remember. could he call again? is our relationship even worth trying tog et back together- or will the same issue arise?

yes, those side effects are normal for the morning after-pill. many people experience heavy spotting (brown spots) for an extended lenght of time, but if she's worried, she should call Planned parenthood or her doctor and ske them the ?'s.

Hi there, i just eneded a 4 year relationship with someone last year. I had my rebound thing and wasn't readt to totally commit myself. I also strated dating this great guy afterwards- almost perfect on paper- well-rounded, intelligent, good looking, confident, great family, good heart. i couldn't understand what was wrong with me. i would share things with him, but i still felt this distance, an uneasiness, liek thre was something missing. I didn't feel we could grow into best friends. i acted somewhat aloof around him and he kept asking me why i was putting up a wall. i was putting up a wall, there was this bond that was missing- this closeness that was somehow elusive. granted, the chemistry was there, the sex very good, but there was still that bond that was missing. i thought it was me, but then i realized, there wasn't just a connection. i found someone who i could feel that bond with. give yourself some time - if you really miss him, then you can think about getting back. but understand, the missing may be mistaken for loneliness.

well it's just me, but i would think you were being too desperate. It is too planned and insincere. when you buy flowers for someone, it is planned specifically for that person, with them in mind. well, you ahve no particular person in mind, so i wouldn't feel too speical. i'd think, well ithe flowers could've been for any other pretty face. when you do this, it loses it's meaning.

but hey, it's up to you. some women would probably fawn over that stuff. this is only my opinion, but maybe if you spot a girl that you like, talk to the girl first, then pick a flower at that moment for her and put it in her hair, maybe that would work. but you have to be sincere, with no alterior motives. women can pick up on that. and please, no "hey baby" lines. with me- a combination of confidence and shyness is attractive. whatever you do may work on one and not another.