Moonchill

So... I'm supposed to find peace in the fact that a. you are never going to dare to be confronted with my side of the story and my feelings and.. me in general and b. I acted like a big borderliner. I understand my own reaction and I understand yours. But still I am really angry and dissapointed at the both of us. But atleast I gave you a chance to work things out without getting back together. Just to be ok with eachother in the future. You gave me no answer which is the most clear answer ever. It is going to hurt to see you again in that bar but I shouldn't avoid it. I shouldn't avoid you. Because I don't want to be like you. What happened to that beautiful man I thought I knew.. What happened to you? Do you really don't care at all or do you care too much? It is really tough to let go. To forgive. I want to. I really do. But it just .. gets stuck in my head. All these questions I have for you so now I'm posting it here: Am I really thát terrible that you can not even reply to such a heartfelt message ? Are you really not bothered at all? Why didn't you let me speak to you? Why the hll did you postpone it till a week later? Like my feelings are something to postpone till it fits you?! Why can't we just talk about it? Why can't we just come to an understanding towards eachother and just move on? What would you do if I broke this whole pretendtoignoreeachother thing? Would you hurt me like I've tried to hurt you? Were you even in love with me? Why did you tried to avoid me meeting your friends that desperately? Was I not alternative enough to meet your friends? Because they are oh so metal and I'm not? It all just doesn't make sense!!! And I can not analyze it all!!! I'm sure as hll trying but I'm going in circles. I just want to let it go! But it's just so me to try and put all the puzzle pieces back together. But with you I just can't! Because you will not be open to me about your feelings and stuff. But I just can't find peace with this!

Seeing you... did so much to me. I didn't dare to walk towards you and start a conversation. Afraid you would hurt me. But I did have the guts to spill out my feelings in a message to you. I did have the guts to reach out to you and to be honest about this: I don't want to hold on to a grudge towards you, I just want us to be ok with eachother. You were a piece of my past and that means something to me. I cared about you. And it doesn't do me any good that now we treat eachother less than strangers would. I feel guilt, I feel regret, I feel anger and pain. But most of all I don't feel at peace at the way we feel towards eachother now. I wish we could be some kind of friends. There is this lose end. And I just want us to have a conversation with eachother to understand eachother about what happened in the past. But you didn't reply at all. You really still avoid me like the plague. I'm not going to bite you know. This hurts me. But I have given you a chance. And you decided to just act like your noose is bleeding. That should be your problem then, not mine! But it feels like my problem now because I'm sitting here feeling sht about it. What can I do to really let this go? What can I do to forgive myself, forgive you and move on? I don't know!!

I wish you the best of luck, James. I liked the idea too.. especially after a couple of glasses of wine.. But he hasn't replied at all.. And I'm not devastated.. But I am a bit dissapointed. He left the bar sooner than me with some kind of girl. *Sigh*.. But I'm proud that I dared to break the NC and have been open about my feelings. I think he can learn from that... But I just think I really hurt him and he want to avoid me like the plague. I wanted to admit my faults as well. But he didn't reply so that is a very clear answer. I did what I could. I gave him a chance to talk about it. Now it has been his choice to not even reply. Time to forgive myself and forgive him and really move on. I got no clue wether he gives a *&^% or not.. It's kind of strange how things can change that fast that much! We used to share so much very intense emotional things. Our bond was very good. And now we can not even say hi to eachother let alone chit chat. Anyhow James,.. to make it through you've got to distract yourself. It will not always work but only if it works for half an hour to not think about her, you've gained progress. She seemed to act really vague on the phone.. If I were you I would not hold unto some kind of hope. But it's tough, we all know it's tough.. But it gets better! It really does. You will see some proper time NC works!

I broke NC after a lot of days.. Why? Well I saw him while going out and.. It ruined my night... All the grudge I've build up... the anger.. The whole passive aggressive looking at eachother.. The whole acting like we are ignoring eachother.. It's all nonsense to me. So I send him a message.. said I still cared.. said I didn't want to continue this way and that I need closure.. I just need 1 decent conversation with him.. Just to speak and listen to eachother... Maybe come to some kind of understanding towards eachother.. Yes I've had some alcohol and yes I'm in tears.. I know it's not a good combination but on the other hand I believe that when you are honest and open about your feelings.. if one really cared about you in the past.. one will not step all over it.. at leat I give him the chance.. a chance to open up.. Time for some sleep now

Day 36 of NC!! Still working on myself to feel good about myself without having a loved one around giving me confirmation. It's a challenge to say the least But I'm doing good. Just a work in progress. Have been reading back emails from different exes. I won't recommend it. It brings up so much old garbage. I feel guilty because of the way I've acted in the past. Can't change anything about it though. I hope one day I can find a way to become peacefull with all of the ghosts in my past.

To all of the ghosts from the past : I'm so sorry! I'm so sorry I vented all my emotional unstability unto you. I'm so so sorry. I've read some emails back and I shouldn't have done that. Because it's from years and years ago.. And I see a pattern... where I go searching for extra negative things and in turn get very emotional over them. I know I'm not only hurt, I've hurt just as much. I just wish I could become ok with all of you guys. I wish I could have peace about those mistakes I've made. Right now they make me feel sick. But the least I can say is I've lived and learned. And I can not turn back the time. I can only improve myself so this won't happen as intense as it has. I'm just feeling bad about it.

icantsay, good to hear that. I actually started running again a week ago. Feels good right! Maybe a few months down the road I'll be running 5 kilometers too 3 weeks of NC. When it's a month I want to celebrate it with something. I miss him but it's more that he was a good friend to me too back then. My social life is not that great at the moment and I think that's the reason I'm missing him. I'm trying to feel good about myself without someone in my lovelife. "Date yourself first". It's tough. Now I finally see that I have been using others to help me feel good about myself and that could never be constructive. So I'm trying to change that. I'm maybe making it hard on myself but I bet I'll become stronger for it. Btw I had some contact with another ex few weeks ago and wow, it didn't do that much to me as I thought it would. This was the guy that brought me to this website in the first place, long ago. It's someone I will always have a weak spot for. But fortunately that weak spot is a tiny, tiny spot. I've managed to be nonchalant to him and that feels really good. When I said I was going to sleep he said"oh, that's a shame". Ha! Roles reversed ^^ ( Ok at first I was very happy to get just one text from him.. but aside from that it really doesn't matter a lot to me as I thought it should) Unbelievable.. I've had such a hard time getting over that guy! And now I'm no longer that interested. Yay! No longer desperate to hear from him. I was the one cutting off the conversation. I've got the power

Why did you give up on all of this so easily?! That's the only thing I don't understand. I showed more emotions than usual and you can not run away quick enough. Sure I've got to improve some behaviour of myself but I also hope in the future, I will get to know a real man that stays even though I'm acting emotional and is there for me. You're obviously not up for the task. And I'm not up for the task of staying patient and confident despite of your vagueness and strange behaviour. Got to accept those two things.

"I've got high hopes for someone good and strong... Someone good to hold me close.. Well you wish you could be the one I want.. You wish that you be the one I need.. But my high hopes are better saved.. for someone else who might stay."

"What you are to me is not real, what you are to me I do not need. What you are to me is not what I mean to you. I'd give you miles and mountains and you'd ask for the sea.." ..... *sigh*....

Still proudly NC Today was a good day. I work in 'his' city and yes.. sometimes I think about him.. a lot.. But I had this song "Holes" from Passenger in my head.. Especially the lyrics: now we’ve got holes in our hearts, yeah we’ve got holes in our lives well we’ve got holes, we’ve got holes but we carry on And that's exactly how I feel about all of this right now! It really applies to well.. most of us here Atleast I hope.

As the emotions settle more I can see: this is an ego thing. Was I really having so much feelings for you? Or was it just a reaction to a bruised ego. Bruised ego's are powerfull things! They can avoke a lót emotions.. I hope that in the future we can be ok with eachother without being friends or back together. Just ok. That we can be able to pass eachother on the street and say hi and go on with our lives again. As simple as that. That it will not make me think about you the whole day. But now I have this feeling that we didn't have any closure. No good talk. It feels unfinished. Maybe in the future I have the guts to come back to all of this in a conversation... To look back on all of this and just be ok about it. Right now I'm not. I've gone to far with you. I know. But all the emotions.. what else should I have done? They've got to go somewhere. I'm a work in progress. I'm always a work in progress and I always will. That's what you get when you're a sensitive person. And I know you're a sensitive person too even though you've done a good job hiding it. I'm going to meditate more. I hope this can make me a better person. One that does not explode of emotions when someone hurts me and vent it all out. But is that realistic? I'm only human. There is another side to it. You didn't handle your sht very well. It could have been prevented if you.. Well what could have you done differently? Yeah you could have given me that space, you could have recognized my hurt, you could have given me a chance. But you are also only human. You can not be and act perfect just to spare my feelings. I feel like I'm coming closer to acceptance and understandig. NC has defenitly been the best thing for me. This way you can not make a mistake, do something or say something that will offend me. Lately a few exes just seems to contact me out of nowhere and I can handle it very well. It just doesn't matter that much to me and that's a positive thing. This way I can act normal and friendly to them. I hope one day you will be one of them. One that I am not thát emotional involved with.One I just care for, nothing more, nothing less. Right now I think you are a sensitive spot for me. I regret my actions but I understand them as well. It's a miracle your mother didn't bite off my head But my friend was right, this way I also don't have to deal with you being such a mama's boy. I don't have to deal with you being so vague. I don't have to expect anything from you. And that gives a kind of freedom. Freedom from dissapointment. Because this whole time I wanted more from you than you could offer me. And that's frustrating. I think it's for the best for you too.. no more pressure. Still too bad you couldn't be clear about that sooner. But what's done is done. I can not change it by thinking "what if..". It went the way it went. Bye, mister.

And I must admit, now you're gone.. there is an emptiness I need to full with other things. You were a distraction for me, so I didn't have to focus on the scary stuff. But now I'm left with no excuse. It's time to better my life a bit. Eat more healthy, excercize more. Would I do those things to make you jealous in the future, regretting you let me go? Yeah, maybe...... ok yes. I know it's childish but I'm hoping you'll regret it and would think you shouldn't have let me go despite my crazy emotional outburts

The emotions are starting to settle down, finally. Now I see it more clearly.. why you reacted the way you did. Why you have avoided my emotions the way you did. You were hurt too. And now I'm left with regret. What would you have said after that week? Why did you want to wait a week to tell me things that must have been important to you. Was it important to you? Why would you wait a full week then. Hmm. Doesn't make sense to me. You've had the chance to speak to me about it though. You turned down my phonecalls. Although I can understand you would not want to open up about your feelings to me when I am very angry. Still it hurt me. I still think, if something is important to you, you make time for it. You don't wait around for another week till time just happen to be there for it. I don't like people acting that indifferent when it comes to important things like feelings. And for me at that time, my feelings were very important to me. The intense sorrow I felt, the hurt. I think I'm closer to understand your behaviour if it stems from being hurt by me too. I understand it a bit but on the other side I passionately feel you should have been there for me. So it's double. And yes I am curious... maybe you had a good explanation for all of this strange behaviour. Maybe, maybe. But then again, if it was important to you, you should have stepped up, mister! Máke time for it! It's so two-sided. I'm feeling so two-sided about it. But that's better than pure anger.

Still NC. Got no clue which day. Really wondering what he would've said to me in the conversation I was meant to have with him but blew off... Just as I predicted.. now I regret I blew off the opportunity.. What would he have said to me in that conversation? It must have been something important because he didn't want to talk about it on the phone.. I'm such a curious creature. I hope I can let this go and just.. don't think about it. Just hate the idea of the missing puzzle piece. I hate not having the whole puzzle. But then again, you never have the whole puzzle.. with no one. Time to go to bed, in my dreams atleast I won't worry about stuff like this.

It's all a mess. I'm a mess. And where are my supposed to be friends now? I'm feeling very alone about this. Just can't believe this. You didn't want a relationship with me the whole time. You could have told me that! You should have told me that! It would have saved us both a lot of hurt and trouble. You've lost all of my respect. But I just can't believe it. I could type this whole forum full of it. Will it help? No not at all. I won't change anything? How can I trust again? If I didn't see this coming at all? How? Reading back all we've typed. Our arguments. I figured out you treated me this way because you were hurt too. But still. You should not have postponed that conversation. I would have dropped everything, anything at that time, to talk to you! And you.. you *&%@! it up big time.

Going through old whatsapps.. brings out all kind of feelings. I just can't believe this. I can not believe it. I want to know why. I really, really, really want to know why. Why would you suddenly act só indifferent when all this time you seemed like a person with so much empathy. It's so strange that you said you were sorry you could not see me when I came to pick up my things. But after that refused to speak to me. I don't get you at all. I just really want to know why I deserved this crap. I want to know how.. how can you read all my emotional heart-broken texts and respond so.. cold. How can you suddenly be so cold? Doesn't it do anything to you? How could you be so changed then. I don't understand it. And I've had therapy, I know it's not helping me to dig and dig. I won't ever get an answer to that. Unless it will come out of your mouth. But I don't think it ever will. I shouldn't hope for it. Because the way you've acted since breaking up with me.. are so absolutely avoiding confrontation. And that's why I am angry. Because you didn't gave me a chance to speak express my feelings. You've avoided it like the plague. Fck you! If you cause my heart to break and just.. push my out of my life because you don't want to be confronted with the hurt I think you are low. I think you are such a low person for that. Yeah I might have been overreacting. So what! Seeing you on the street.. you looked scared. What did you think? I was going to burst out in tears? I would rip your head off? I would start yelling to you? I can't understand it. I wish I could have seen this coming. But I didn't! Now I know why you call your ex manipulating borderliners. Guess I will be on that list too because I am emotional. You don't want to see that ugly side of yourself do you? Telling me and yourself and everyone else how you are súch a nice good guy . How you are different from all the other guys. Someone should just *****-slap you with the truth. You're not all that different. The only thing that's been different from all my other exes is this: you didn't even get the guts and the respect to make time for an important confronting conversation. It's so easy right! Just don't pick up the phone. Just don't properly explain why and avoid a conversation. I hope you regret this! I hope you will lie awake at night and will think "wow, I've been an idiot". But I don't think you will. I bet you will think "wow she's crazy!". You will not even thínk about whý I reacted the way I did. All the hope and energy and love I've spent only to get dumped on this way. Yes we've only had something for a couple of months. And honestly , I would love to learn where I've been wrong in all of this. I really do. But I don't got a clue. How could you?!?! If you can not handle the emotions of a woman... ok I get that you want to break-up then. Because I will always be a woman full of emotions. Good and bad. But still though... I think you are a huge dissapointment. A HUGE dissapointment. You believe that you are the person that you wánt to be. But in fact you are nót such an angel. Yeah you even told me some spiritual person thought you were an angel. Hell no! I'm not an angel either. Can't believe how I've embaressed myself.. being so angry at you.. begging.. letting you know how much you've hurt me. Being so upset and unstable about someone that doesn't even make time for me to talk to me on the phone/IRL. You are not worth that. But I'm so upset that I've been so wrong about you. I really want to understand your behaviour. But I can't . How can I not have seen this coming?! I hope you will feel guilty. I can not be zen about this at all. I can not forgive you right now. I wish I will in the future. Because all of this anger and wrath is just only destructive to myself And at times like these I'm thinking.. Maybe there's been another woman? I think you're behaviour has been só strange. Really strange. And no, it's not ok if I try to hurt you as much as you have hurt me. I just feel this could have gone very different. If only you said "ok I understand you want to talk about it, I will make it possible for you". Instead you said you were sleeping next to your mom.. Your mom.. Seriously.. grow up, mister. If you don't want to speak to me just say so. Don't make up excuses like "I'm sleeping next to my mom". You are above 30!! When you break a woman's heart, you can't just reschedule that. No you've got to deal with it! And all of it that comes along with it! But you know what... I won't even confront you with it. I will rise above it. Go ahead and avoid it. I know you've got a conscience. That conscience will one day catch up with you. And you will have to face it. It's clear that that is not up to me. I should not even want to learn you a lesson. Because I am só hurt and upset, I will not even be able to do so in a good, mature way. I know I've been unreasonable lately. But I did not deserve this cowardly lame behaviour of yours. I think it's very childish and immature. But still I hope you contact me. Strange isn't it. There is no logic to feelings at all. But I'm hoping to get recognition from you. You said I've said things that have hurt you... But when I read back the things I've said.... I've got no clue. Yeah I got angry because we've been floating in between friendship and relationship for months and you are being so fcking clueless about it. I've got patience, I'm able to give you space. But that also comes to an end. And at that conversation it came to an end. You said you didn't know if you wanted to date other woman. You didn't know if someone would swap you off your feet. What!? I thought I was that one the whole time. You made me believe I was that one the whole time! How could you deceive me like that? How could you?! And then you are surprised that I am reacting emotional. Where has your emotional intelligence gone? Can't you see how something like that can hurt? And then I left you room to disappoint me more and more. You won't hear a thing from me. I will not say hi if I meet you and pretend it's ok. IT IS NOT OK! (needed to rage, obviously)

So I'm still NC. But it's tough. It does a lot to me. Yesterday I said to a friend that I somehow knew we could one day talk about things because we've got some unresolved issues. But after today, after us passing eachother like that, I think I could've been further from the truth. This is tough. It hurts.

I saw him on the street today. Worse.. We walked towards eachother. The whole time I saw him approaching I thought : shall I say hi and be mature about it or shall I wish I he will fall dead just by the look I give him. I went for option 2. But I know he can see past the angry look and silence I give him and see the hurt. Anyhow he didn't say anything either. We exchanged a couple of looks. I felt very very angry. The funny thing is.. I work in the same city as he does and the whole time I was thinking " what if I meet him" "what if I see him" "what if he sees me and tries to apologize to me and Í'll be the one ignoring him and walking away like a tough strong woman".. I didn't want to ignore him, because that would mean I would avoid a confrontation somehow. And I'm not such a coward, I think he is. But hey I admit, it was not my most mature response. He somehow seemed a tad scared. Maybe he thought I would act the same way as I did when we broke up. But no I didn't. But I don't know.. what to think about all of this. Have I done the right thing? Other people say I should've kept my head up high and be the better one and say hello. But I can't pretend everything is ok. Everything is nót ok. And if I can somehow let him know that, I know one look of me is all I need. Guess he couldn't avoid my emotions after all. I bet he could see them in my eyes. Yeah I hope he's sorry. Am I sorry? A little bit.. tucked away under a lot of anger and hurt.

Apparently, you were nagging to my friend about my number well you were drunk(why?) and kept nagging until he finally gave it. Then you texted me. And the next morning you were sorry about that (why?) and haven't replied what so ever. So I had to ask to my friend what game it is you're playing. My god, you are such a coward!!!

I'm checking my phone a million times like some desperate lonely soul. Dawrr! Plus some awful boyband song is stuck in my head repeating "quit plaing games with my heart". That's actually the most awfull thing. Backstreat Boys, mind, really?! You know what. I'm going to assume.. you are just a silly boy, not having a clue what you want. Well get in line then. You've got some competition on that subject.

It's like they just smell it. I had the resolution to stay single for a while and then out of the blue 3 exes are contacting me, and messing with my head. It's ok to contact me but for gds sake don't be so vague about it. Saying hi and then just don't reply at all. Stupid games. Stupid men. I somehow just can't stand it. What do you guys want from me? Just to be in the picture and then disapear again? That's not fair! You should have left me alone in the first place if you've got nothing to offer other than some drunk texting. Now I'm thinking about you again.. I'm even thinking... what if you are reading this forum? Then you can know you still got that power over me that it only takes 1 single text to mess with my head. To make me wonder again about you. And why were you nagging to a friend about wanting to contact me again? I said to him that you didn't matter to me that much anymore. Was that your cue to change that again? *sigh* In my opinion you only have the right to contact me if you've got a friendship to offer or if you want to make a chance again. Maybe I'm overreacting. Maybe you are going to reply. But it shouldn't matter to me. You shouldn't matter that much to me anymore. You should just leave me be. Because all it takes is just a "hi" and here I am.. having a battle with my feelings and thoughts. After all these years. I'm a fool for that. But I can't help myself. I can't help but fantasize. Playing unrealistic videos in my head. Please just get out of my mind. Mind can you please block this mister. Can you please focus on me for once instead of some dude that fcks things up.

You are such a strange creature. You and you're friend are not even replying to me. Is this a game? Well I'm not in for that.

I'm still going strong on the NC thing. Since... oh apparently 15 days! Not counting everyday helps, people. It really does. Most of my anger and hurt I've already expressed to him or found another way to express. Now I'm trying to get a bigger social life. My friends haven't really been available lately.

I just broke up with him and now you decided to get in the picture. All of the sudden. Since years of no contact. Hmmm. It's nothing,right. I shouldn't get hope from this at all. I bet you are just saying hi, nothing more. But why am I so happy to get this little bit of attention from you all of the sudden? I still have a weak spot for you. But since my pride is pretty strong I'll just pretend it doesn't really do anything to me. My feelings really got no logic when it comes to you, at all.