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Everything posted by Moonchill

  1. And now suddenly two other exes of mine contact me.. what the... I still have a weak spot for one of them. And now hope is running through my veins. Just go away, hope. Please just.. go.. kkssshht.. get lost! I want to stay single, I should focus on myself. I should not get hope after one tiny breadcrumb from some ghost of the past.
  2. But I don't want to hold a grudge. I don't want to get stuck in this resentment. This anger. I wish I knew how I could lose that? The only one that's influenced by that is myself. Now I'm doing the No Contact thing so I hope he will regret his actions.. He will contact me and I can be the one denying him the contact. But deep down I know that's not really the right motivation.
  3. Here I am again, old friend. I'm quite amazed what has happened this past few weeks.. I've been dating this really awesome guy ( or so I thought).. When my ex was in the picture again and said he was sorry about breaking up with me, I started to doubt my feelings for the guy I was dating.. So I took a step back, to figure out what I feel. I didn't need much time to realize that I had strong feelings for the guy I was dating, much stronger than the feelings for my ex. What also confused me was the fact that the guy I was dating didn't want me to meet his friends and was strange about all kinds of little things. So I returned to him. And even though he seemed cool with the fact I took a step back to figure out my feelings.. he actually wasn't at all. But he didn't tell me that until later on.. Before my ex was in the picture, I tried and tried to let him see we could be a good couple. But it was something in between a friendship and a relationship.. I kept that nagging feeling bottled up. You know.. the feeling that you get when you are uncertain about where you stand with a guy. After quite a few months and patience.. And a pause because of my ex.. and returning back to him and really choosing for him.. He still didn't really wanted to commit to me 100%. On a certain point I just snapped and became very angry and emotional. I just wanted honesty, I wanted things to be clear for myself. So I started asking if he only wanted to date me or if he wanted to date other girls.. He said he didn't know, because maybe some girl would conquer his heart. That just really shocked me because I thought I was that girl! After all the sweettalk ( which now seems like a lot of empty words without meaning).. after this whole "Oh look at me I'm such a nice good guy" act.. This made me more emotional.. After being confronted with my emotions.. He deceided to dump me. Via whatsapp. When I asked him if we could talk about it in person, or via a telephone conversation.. he refused. He said he didn't want to wake up his mother.. So I said, ok I understand that but I really want to talk to you about it.. not via whatsapp.. He said he only had time for a talk a week later because he was busy. Is it just me or is that just.. disrespectfull and cowardly. Because in my opinion.. when you think someone is important to you and her feelings matter to you.. you máke the time. You make it happen. And not postpone it a week later. When I tried to call him a few days after that he just didn't pick up or would click me away. That really made me angry and I couldn't believe he was acting this way. I never would have guessed him to act like that. I really misjudged this guy. But I was also faced with a side of me I didn't like.. Like a psycho ex.. I left him lots of long very angry whatsapps.. I felt so.. disrespected. I mean sure if he wants to dump me he should. But it really makes me angry and very hurt that I didn't even got the chance to talk to him about it. All I really wanted was 1 good conversation to express what it did to me.. and he denied me that. For that I think he is a bastard. Can't say it in any other words.. And no I didn't have the patience to wait a week while feeling very hurt.. to talk to him. I said he wasn't worth the wait.. and wasn't worth to be feeling so unstable about. I have no regret about that. He can go to hell. I just wished I would have seen this coming.. Because of how unexpected this behaviour is.. My trust is broken. And it wasn't very good to begin with so I really don't need this. Not that I am an angel. I'm not proud of all the whatsapps full of hurtfull things I left. I tried to handle it well but it was just tóo much feelings. I really didn't know I was thát emotional evolved with .. guess this triggers a lot with me I really thought I was finally able to fall for a decent guy.. Now it seems he wasn't worth to get such a big place in my heart after all.
  4. Júst broke up with my boyfriend this evening. It was a shared decision but that doesn't make it any easier. I feel like crap. I've been preparing myself for this because I saw it coming but.. it still hurts. And I feel like I was the one that was the most emotional evolved. To hear him say certain things without a lot of emotion just.. hurts. I want him to be as hurt as I am because that would be the sign for me that the relationship was asa important to him as it was to me. That I was as important to him as he was to me. But I know his feelings will catch up to him. That's just how he is. First he has this shield of ratio and after a few weeks the emotions will hit him. I care about him but honestly.. it might not be very mature but.. I want him to miss me. To regret he let go of me. I want him to suffer. Ok well here we go.. Day..0
  5. Funny how I feel like a fool.. complaining to your best friend about my chaotic love life. I know this information will end up with you and.. I'm starting to feel like the fool here. I hope you won't think to yourself : "she never changes, the drama queen, I'm so much better off without that bs." I really shouldn't care about what you think of me right now but.. Suppose I still do a little bit.
  6. Broke NC. Starting over.. soon.. not now. Just send him an email explaining why I need some time without contact. I feel like we both are keeping the longing alive by contacting eachother while it is very clear to us both we can not be in a relationship right now. So I'm making this decision with my head. Not with my heart. Cause I want him.
  7. I don't know what to do with you. I wanted to stay NC for a few weeks to get my head a bit more clear and detach from you. Last night we texted forth and back about.. well how it's not sensible for us to have contact now. Why do we both seem to make it so much more complicated than it has to be. Should I just cut the cord and say : hey leave me alone for some weeks.. ? It's not easy for me neither to stay NC and I let you know about that. Now you know all it takes is 1 simple text message and I'm hooked. We're supposed to be grown ups right? I don't know what to do with you!
  8. Day 1 Yes I'm back in the game. I'm don't even want to know that I must get through this process again. I want to keep NC for a couple of weeks because he has a lot of mental issues he needs to work on on his own. And I sure as hll won't dive into a relationship that seems already to be with someone that has.. lots of unfinished business. So here I am. Trying to keep my distance and give my brains room to think things through and focus on my own life and well being
  9. I'm glad we broke NC. Really Thank you for that wonderfull conversation. It was so much better than I ever expected. We were sincerely civil. Just after a couple of days. Wow. And I'm so glad you were open for my point of view. For the fact that this had a big impact on me. You forgot that conversation. I'm glad I could remind you of what you had done. I"m even more glad that you were actually open for that feedback and understanding of the decisions I've made. All the things that were bottled up the last days... they are in the open. We spoke about it. I'm free To hear you say you were doing fine without me was actually good to hear. It's what I wish for you. Since this conversation I'm so relaxed. I'm finally relaxed again. No more urge to talk to you. I hope this lasts. Maybe this has been a shot and a few days later I will tremble like an addicted again? Maybe we have reached closure within a few days? It's all gone so fast! I know for sure we should not have a relationship right now. I don't even want to. You have got so much stuff to work on with therapy. I do too but . you .. you have a long way to go. I hope you will not dive into a new relationship to avoid the confrontation with your own mental issues. But that's up to you. For now I'm glad we both have got little expectations from each other. Is this for real? It's exactly what I hoped for! This seems so unreal. It's .... Too good to be true
  10. So I am... weak. The urge to contact you was so so strong and.. you contacted me so I replied. This really sucks because it gives you the message that I do not take my own boundaries serious enough. And break them the first time I'm tempted. I... couldn't resist! I hope there will come a time for understanding. A time where we will not talk out of emotions but out of love and understanding.
  11. Ok the roles are switching. Now I am the addict going through rehab. Yes I miss you . I miss you , I miss you, I miss you. I have this sudden craving. Ok it's not that sudden. I put down how everything has been in a word doc and. Well I want to send this to you so bad!!! Even after all of this. But I know it would send the wrong message to do so now. So I must be patient. To give it to you when the time is right. But when will the time ever be right? Are we doomed to have a very wrong timing ? I mean I... *&^%%& this craving for you. I.. should I let you go? Now I must go through this difficult process all over again. I'm just like you, I'm not good at letting go. I'm afraid you will deal with this like you've always done and... find a rebound. It's your freedom to find a rebound. You've never been single for a long time. Will you be single now? Will you wait for me till I'm ready? Will I ever be ready to have a relationshipship with you again after both our trust has been damaged in each other... I thought I was pretecting my energy. My peace of mind. But this.. is also costing me a lot of energy and is sure as hll not good for my peace of mind. How egocentric of me to think that way. Ok now most of the people who do read this will think I'm a crazy person asking a lot of questions to herself that won't be answered now. Just.. AHHHHHRRRWGHIHOJoijo. Ok
  12. "Help" says the tiny little voice in my head I'd love to ignore.. "help, I've got too much emotions to deal with" Now you gave me what I wished for. No contact. And it takes a couple of days of no contact to feel this painfull hole in my world. I miss you but I won't reach out. I want to reach out but it would be pure egocentric of me to do so . I want to .. but I won't.. Been a while since I've been the dumper and no it does not feel like I am empowered at all! It's hard! It's fcking hard to let go of a possibility so soon. It's so sad how this turned out to be so.. tragic.. in such a short time. It's just.. absurd you know. Absurd how much pain and crazy behaviour I triggered with you. It's just.. Too much to bare for me you know. You put so much hope in me. Saying "finally there's a girl who is sweet to me, finally I can make something work" After all your failed relationships that hurt you, that you wanted to cover with .. me.. That's just wwaaayy too much pressure for me. It's not the pressure you put on me. It's the pressure I put on myself to force myself into feeling more for you than I do and... not disspoint you. Can't you see how scary all that pressure is for me? I want to say so much to you! I want to explain my behaviour to you! I know you crave for an explanation but on the other hand.. I'm afraid you won't be open to such a story from me. I'm just in a inner battle. It's a waste of my energy. I've made a decision. I should stick with it for both our sakes but.. It is very very very difficult to me.
  13. This suits what I want to say to you and our situation perfectly : Damien Rice- Volcano Don't hold yourself like that cause You'll hurt your knees well I kissed your mouth, and back But that's all I need Don't build your world around Volcanoes melt you down And what I am to you is not real What I am to you, you do not need What I am to you is not what you mean to me You give me miles and miles of mountains And I'll ask for the sea Don't throw yourself like that In front of me I kissed your mouth, your back Is that all you need? Don't drag my love around Volcanoes melt me down What I am to you is not real What I am to you, you do not need What I am to you is not what you mean to me You give me miles and miles of mountains And I'll ask for the sea What I give to you is just what I'm going through This is nothing new, no, no just another phase of finding what I really need is what makes me bleed But like a new disease, Lord, she's still too young to treat Volcanoes melt you down She's still too young +what iam to you+you do not need+is not real I kissed your mouth You do not need me This, my love, leans on me just like a rootless tree You really do not have any idea...
  14. Go ahead and be mad. It's like your addicted to me and throwing tantrums because now you're in a detox. I'm not giving you one single dose of myself to you anymore. I'm not going to get dragged into this obviously fcked up cocktail of our issues. It would be a dysfunctional relationship. Hurt people hurt people. You know it's true. Why do I feel guilty about not letting me dragged down along with you? Fck you, stupid heart.
  15. I had to put up this boundary. Because you are intelligent and manipulating enough to make me feel hurt just as much as you are. It's not just the fact that you send that picture of your arm full of cuts "because of me". It goes beyond that. That picture was just the cherry on the manipulation cake. You're going down, can't you see you'd drag me along with you? It's too much for me. You couldn't give me the freedom to let me figure out my feelings. Instead you wanted to sufficate me! I need air to breathe. And now you don't understand why I'm hiding away from you? Putting up a big metal wall? Are you kidding me?! Do you think my heart is made of stone? This hurts me way beyond the limit I can handle! All of this is so absurd that I feel very distant from my own emotions and need extra therapy to sort yóur * * * * out. I have every, every right to protect myself. I have every right not to feel responsible for your destructive behaviour. Have you got no clue how tough it is on the dumper's side? Have you got any idea how much conversations with different therapists it took.. to make me realise I should have to feel guilty to choose for myself and not let you hurt me like this. I know I broke the trust you had in me, but you have broken my trust too with this. Big time! This piece of heart you gave me, it's too much responsibility. You've got too much wounds on your heart you need to take care of first. I can't heal those wounds for you you know? You must do it yourself. If I could, I would. I'm not showing you how much this affects me because I'm protecting myself. I'm afraid you will take disadventage of my feelings. I know this is not you. I know this is the dark side of you. Clinging unto my heart no matter how much damage that costs me and yourself. Now you are just dangerous. You say I make you feel like an a-hole.. You are yet again making me feel guilty for something you are doing yourself. People think I only feel madness towards you but it's far more than this. I'm sad and hurt. And scared of the way you deal with this heartbreak. Very very scared.
  16. Guess what.. I found another man. He's even more complicated than you are! Never thought I could accomplish such a thing. I think I broke my own record.. Anyhow I don't care about your hair, about your cat, about your flair. I don't care that you don't care that I don't care to be fair!
  17. It's taken me more than a year but guess what.. I'm over you.
  18. So I'm a fool. I thought I was finally over you ( ffs) But it stil stings to see your new profile picture. Note to self: Facebook is the devil, even though you think it can't hurt, it will. Note to this whole Enotalone community: Facebook is the devil, even though you think it can't hurt, it will. I still think you were the one. I still think we should have been... I still think we could... I thought had no more hope anymore after all this time. I thought this flame inside me was done. But it's not.. it's still glowing.. it won't go out. I feel really weird right now. My heart feels weird. You still touch my heart after all this time. You still give me this weird feeling that I can't place.
  19. Oh my fcking god, oh dear... help me! I decided to add your friend as my friend on facebook and forgot that I unblocked you and you are.. all over the place!!! I'm not going to read all of it but damnt.... I'm freaking out... Kind of short of breath.... don't want to hyperventilate but... I've been doing so well you know. I'm wanted by men. They flirt with me all the time.... On new year's eve some guy even proposed to me ( as a joke, he was clearly drunk)... I just.. oh god... I've opened pandora's box? I'm clearly not over you though I thought I was... It's just.. you... you are there... you posted such a lot of comments and.... I texted you ... a blank message because... now I know... Now I finally get you after all this time! I get how you felt... I get the fact that.... you wasn't as in love with me as I was with you... I understand now... but still... I'm * * * * ing freaking out right now... I haven't been to this website for ages which I think is a good sign and now... It's the only thing I can go to to let it all out because.. FOR * * * * 'S SAKE!!!!! I STILL HAVE THIS * * * * ING WEAKNESS FOR YOU I can't I can't I can't.... But should I unfriend him again after a few seconds? Maybe I... I don't know... Maybe I could... nah if I block you now you would notice wouldn't you.. I don't want you to think that I'm still into you.. I'm not I'm just..... Not 100% over you, I never will... I really never will..... DAWRRRR
  20. It's time to say goodbye. I'm done here. Life goes on. I wish you the best. I hope you fall in love with a person that you think matches with you. I hope I will fall in love with a person that does not have the desire to run away from me but instead can't get enough of me. It took me a whole lotta time to just move on from someone I had such a short relationship with. I guess the 2 months we spent together had a lot of impact of me. I sure hope next time it won't take this long Take care of yourself. One day, who knows, we might be friends. But for now I need to find a new love. I need to continue building my life up again. Thanks, I learned a lot of you. I forgive you for not having figured yourself out.
  21. Remember when you told me I should get my * * * * together? Now I finally did.
  22. There's nothing, that I forgot, I can't replace, accept my heart. A new one, I can't buy. I can't fix. 'Cause the gun was in your hands. My heart got shot into bits.
  23. I miss our Günther and Mister Muscle jokes. Only we could laugh about them
  24. Carrie8484, I did the same thing. It's a bit worse. He just had to send me a blanco text message... just really nóthing in it at all. And I was upset about it for a week. I send a text message back asking why he send me an empty text message (an empty text is less than a breadcrumb right.. it's more like a grain of sand) Ofcourse he did not send me anything back. I bet it was just a game. Just checking if I would reply. Sometimes they can be really.... I can't find the words for such stupid actions really.
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