Moonchill

You've got a good point there Janeiac Anthony4: I didn't mean explaining why I went NC but more explaining my freak out. I feel like now he has got a very wrong image of me. I would love to have a good conversation about it but ,just as Janeiac said, chances of that happening are very very small.. But there is just a lot of misunderstanding in the air. That's bothering me. He experienced a side of me I'm not proud of.

And how are you dealing with it, Anthony4? Did you explain it to her or something. Or did you go NC very soon like me.. Atleast I'm not the only one .. Best to you too, thanks

Everybody's getting older I am 21 You know, I just had this very depressing insight. I was the one that screwed it up The only thing he really did was showing me how he felt.. He needed space. I was the one that freaked out right away BIG TIME. Now I really feel regret. I feel regret that I misunderstood him so bad! He asked me to take a step back and I couldn't do it. I was all like "you're breaking up with me aren't you.. why not tell me straight forward" and all.. I was the one breaking it up right away because I can't handle the grey area... If you guys know what I mean.. It's so hard to take a step back when you're in love with someone... Looking back I can conclude I moved way too fast. I don't think it's an option he wants me back after my very emotional reaction to his request. It's stupid because after all my break-ups I come to the same conclusion: I fall in love and care about someone way too soon.. I just had to get his off my chest. I don't know what to do with it. I'd love to contact him.. I really feel we've got a lot to talk about. But it would hurt me so bad if I would spill it out and he would say "hmmm I'm not bothered with this at all.. I've moved on.. why are you still bothered with it? " or something. *sigh* Letting go is so difficult

Day 21 Feeling tired, same thing yesterday. I don't know why.. Tonight I'm going to the cinema to see the movie Black Swan. I'm very curious , read good reviews about it. The days fly by, it scares me. But as the days go by it seems to get easier to stay nc. Missing him comes in waves... I know I must fight my own apathy.. I'm considering to build up my condition with jogging or something..

Thanks Popside, that's making me feel a bit better ( You know,an ex from a long time ago composed a classical piece for me .. about me.. it was quit correct because the piece sounded sad at the end just like our relationship .. he said it was an open end.. your story of the book reminded me of that ) You've got a tough situation there. But he does have his own support system I might hope ( friends.. family.. )

NC day 19 A lot in the media today remind me of the inside jokes I had with him. Yesterday I told a friend I missed him and he said " you're STILL missing him?" And I felt like an idiot. On the other hand... he doesn't know what it's like missing someone you used to be really in love with. Right now I'm watching a cheezy dance flick Got lots of plans this weekend... When we were together I was going to make a few things for him ( a painting, an instrument, even a mandala) And now I am still going to make those things the way I planned.. the only thing that's diffrent.. I am making them for myself. And it feels good! We promised to give eachother a self made piece of "art" . Now I'm never (?) going to know what he would have made for me but he couldn't paint that good so it's no big loss.. ( that might sound a bit arrogant, I liked the gesture but I guess I wouldn't hang it on my wall anyway gna gna gna) To mrs Popside: try to handle it with grace. Say hi with a smile or something. If he wants a conversation, try to keep it as short as possible and say you're busy and you better get going or something like that. Whatever you do, don't ramble on and don't burst into tears

I regret my words. Saying " I love you" is like saying "I hate you" .. those are strong words and didn't actually explain what you meant to me at that moment. I miss you. I miss you a lot .. It 's idiotic. We've only been together for 2 months and after 1 month I still miss you like hell.

@ Iamanne: You go girl! Nothing says "kiss MY ass" better than switching your sim and move on @ Helpmetoheal: It really is! You're free to PM me too if you'd like NC day 18 ( or something ?) Put all his pictures on an usb stick ( had to see them again first and it was a fine ritual).. Painted the box red (I just had to do that) After I put all the stuff in the box that remind me of him .. I will put some duck tape around it and try to have closure. Secretly still fantasizing about meeting him in the future and looking awesome with a new hot boyfriend by my side making him jealous as hell.. The time when I am really over him will be the time I don't want to make him jealous, I just want him to have a good life. My mad phase is over and didn't last that long. Because the problem is.. he isn't a jerk. He really is a nice sweet guy that has lots to offer. The bigger problem is, he doesn't want to offer it to me anymore. I miss the little things that defined him. Like the way he said "yes".. or the way his hair hangs in front of his head when he's drumming.. and the way he shakes his head to the beat because he's all into it.. His sweet text messages... his attention. ( I really sound desperate and I really hope he doesn't come near this site at all!!) So this weekend I will be at a film festival With a good friend of mine. Maybe meet another friend too! I love movies, it's a great way to find some distraction. I'm also busy making "maracas" ( I wanted to give that to him on his birthday but that ain't going to happen anymore so I will still continue to make them for myself! ) I have lots of creative projects I want to finish! So I will dive into that! Conclusion: I miss him but I'm feeling better as the days go by.. I regret the times I made contact with him again after saying I wanted NC Don't do it, it stings like hell when they don't react back.. at all...

Day 18 of NC Finally saw a realistic movie about love and relationships.. It's called ' 500 days of Summer" And I recommend it highly I miss him very very much. Finding it hard to keep myself busy with other things.. I'd rather stay on the couch and be lazy. But I know it's not good for me. I'm just not motivated to do anything at all... He on the other hand is very busy with his life and moves forward quit easy so it seems.. But who cares, it's not a contest.

Day 17 I Could barely sleep last night. In a bad mood today. Been filling my day with watching " How I met your mother" and it lifts up my mood

I know I've reacted very angry to you.. but that phase is gone. I wish I could hang on to it but who could? You are such a nice sweet guy.. Hating you is difficult. I'm glad that I'm not that angry at you anymore.. but it also makes me miss you so bad. I dreamt about you last night. It was so real! The kisses.. your face.. your soft eyes. You said you would always be there for me. I couldn't help but react cynical .. as if I already knew what was ahead of me. A man who doesn't know what he wants from me. Wow that's original.. Very original! And all the cliché's you used. Why didn't you just tell me the truth? It's not a crime to change your mind about me. It's not a crime to figure out we're not a good match. It's not a crime to have the feeling I am more in love with you than you are with me. It's just the way it is. Something I can learn from. But how can your feelings about me change that fast? I just don't get it. You made me believe we had potential. Finally I thought I found something I should not have to worry about. You told me "don't worry, it's just you and me" Why? When I look back I had every reason to worry. Why do you have such a great impact on my feelings?! We only dated for a couple of months! I looked at your band page.. All kinds of planned performances... So you just continue life so easy as if nothing happened.. Didn't it impact you at all? Is your silence and lack of trying to win me back the answer to it all? I can't stay mad at you. I can't be mad because I know feelings can change and it's nobody's fault. I am however still mad at the way you gave me this complete wrong idea that there was a future. Planning things with me way ahead. You have so much to offer to a woman. You have such an intresting and beautiful soul, I can tell. You said you thought the same about me but I guess you don't? But there is one thing I know for sure.. Nobody makes chocolat milk like I did for you. And I know that is the one thing you miss like hell. Maybe not mè.. maybe not the smell of my hair or the smell of my perfume.. maybe not my spontanious hugs and kisses.. maybe not my super social behaviour and the way I made you laugh.. maybe not us jumping around and singing happy songs. But I am very sure you do miss my chocolat milk. And you're ain't gonna have it no more. You lost that privilege! You could try and find another woman but she doesn't know my secret recipe. Atleast it's one thing about me you can't replace But to be honest I know there will come time that I can smile at the fact you found another. Like I am happy for my other ex he finally got over me and found someone that is compatible for him. Much more than I could ever be

Day 16 I've read his text messages ones again and it still doesn't make sense to me because they all sound so sweet and caring.. I know I should'nt do it... Maybe that's the reason why I dreamt of him... it seemed so realistic! I dreamt that I was in his appartment and I was looking for him.. I was picking up my stuff and I heard him showering. So I waited for him to show up .. And then we kissed.. The strange thing is he turned into his friend ( my other ex) and I felt betrayed and dissapointed.Then the door opened up and some guys that aren't my type at all saw me and flirted with me It might be symbolic but it's a bit of a weird dream. It makes me miss him very bad. But I shouldn't have read his messages again. They are from the past. The open and sweet version of him has faded. The closed and confusing version of him has replaced that. Today I'm going to buy the box! Time for the ex files I'm still staying strong, still NC! Love1336, everyone makes mistakes. It's very hard to keep NC but you have done it for some time so you know you can do it! Keep your head up, don't talk yourself down like this. I am just like you, I want to know if he misses me and if he needs me in his life but the truth is.. you can contact him but you can not look into his brains and pick up his thoughts! If he really misses you that bad he will come up with it. In the mean time just assume he is moving on and you should too. For your own sake Good luck

I decided I am going to buy a box, put all the stuff in it that remind me of him (including an usb stick with all the photo's and songs from him ) and call the box "the ex files" Put some ducktape around it and done! I bet it will be therapeutic! I already blocked and deleted him from msn, deleted him as a friend from facebook ( he can't see my profile because of privacy settings) and I deleted his mobile number ( although I still remember his number ). I even put him on the blocking list so he can't email me. But now I put him off that list because I want him to be able to contact me if there is something really bad going on. Who knows some day soon I will be able to be totally not available to him. I think I'm on the good way to becoming that. And I think you guys are too!

Thanks Janeiac.. Yesterday I found something back on which he sprayed his perfume. You know scent is something that brings back so many memories! Bút just to quote John Mayer : " My pride will keep me company"

NC day 15 Hi there, I'm new here and I decided to stay in NC also. I've read along for a while and I think this topic is a very good one. Here's my "short" story.. I was in a long distance relationship with a very handsome musician. He was actually a very good friend of my ex ( but my ex was ok with it, we checked). Even though my financial situation is not that great I spend a lot of money traveling to him. He is a very sweet and nice person. It lasted only a couple of months in which he was very distant to me the last couple of weeks. I've been there before with other men so it took me a couple of days to recognise what was going on. We called .. he said he needed space.. somehow I already knew he wanted to break up but didn't want to hurt me. I said to him that I'd prefer the truth instead of cliché lines like " it's not you, it's me". But he asked for space and I said "when you know what you want, contact me" and I gave him space ( I did not contact him) . After a couple of days he broke things up right before christmas ( even though he knew christmas was a difficult time for me ) via a short email. He used all the cliché lines ... "let's stay friends" "it's not you it's me" "I have commitment fear" ( I think a lot of men use that line as an excuse while the truth is they lost their feelings or are just not that into you) I reacted véry emotional and said a lot of things I wish I didn't say.. I said I couldn't stay friends with him because I had feelings for him and I knew it would only make things worse for me so I suggested to leave eachother alone for a while. Strangly he responded with "but I don't want to break up with you , I just told you how I feel". He said he felt smothered which does not make sense to me at all because he was the one that acted só inlove and said he missed me all the time! That made me mad because I wanted clarity from him and this made me very confused. Then I decided he probably couldn't make up his mind and that I should make up my own mind before I got too confused about it. I said if you don't know what you want from me we should just break it off.. I needed distance from it all because I knew I was too emotional and didn't see things clear. So here I am.. having a hard time keeping NC. I send him an email and text message about picking up my stuff.. In the email I said I would like to pick up my stuff whenever I was available . In the text message I said " Never mind, just keep my stuff and figure out for yourself what you want to do with it" He didn't bother to respond to it. I am a hypocrite because I asked him to leave me alone and not contact me. But now I am bothered he doesn't contact me at all. I just want to know if he misses me and regrets it. But his silence speaks for itself. When I was so emotional about it I said to him I wanted him out of my head and get over him as soon as possible. I don't regret my actions ( NC comes from the head not from the heart and I know it is a wise decision) But I do regret my words.. I don't hate him.. I don't wish I never met him... I wish I could just have an adult conversation with him about it. But everytime I think that I remind myself he hád the chance to have that adult conversation.. he had the chance to explain his feelings .. But instead he emailed me. He could have phoned but he was a coward. He screwed it up.. I screwed it up.. Now I'm going to stay NC for as long as I can