Nappyloxs

This is day 10, I think. Only 1 contact in 22 days. I am feeling it. Yesterday, I had a good time over a friend's house. Then when I got home, I basically thought of her all night until 3am. Not insomnia as I wasn't tired. Maybe just bored. I don't know, but now I just can't get her off my mind. I still love her so much. I have accepted that I am not going to ever stop loving her. But why do I still feel so "in" love with her, despite knowing that she isn't coming back. I really miss her today. I went shopping a little bit for black Friday, nothing special. But just driving, I missed her being in the car with me. Today just sucks because I thought about my mistakes again. I just wish she would have given me another chance. I neglected her and what we had for two years, especially that last year, but I never thought that she would leave. I was so naive. I did not know how to love. I just wish she would give me another chance to show her how much I love her, that I know how to love now, and that she is all I want. I will go out tonight and hit on some random women I find physically attractive. But I know I don't care about them and probably will never talk to them again. Then, I will miss her and what we had again, because I don't want to clubs and bars; I don't want to hit on women just for the hell of it. Right now, the only good thing I can take from this experience is that I know what I need to do differently the next time I am in love and that I have discovered a little more about what love really entails. But it doesn't feel good or rewarding to discover this, because I just want to give it to her.

Great to hear milkandhoney. Take advantage of the "new" guy. He may not be the next one, but at least it will let you see that there are other guys out there that are better and also want you.

I learned so much during the first month of our breakup. I learned how much I really love you, why I love you, and most importantly, what love really is. Although, you chose not to give me another chance, I know that I am a better person just for the simple fact that I now know what love really is. I use to think it was something different. I use to think that love was about acceptance, tolerance, and some sharing. These thoughts are not wrong. But Love is so much more. I wish I could share with you what I now know. I have attempted to tell you what I have learned, but to no avail. I understand that you don't believe me or think that it is just temporary. But its not. I lost your faith and trust a long time ago, so there is no reason for you now believe me. You really never had the best of me. It wasn't anything you did, its just I did not know how to give it to you. Now I know how, but its too late. Although its hard, I have come to accept that I cannot share it with you anymore. I will love you forever.

NC is not about them. You will only be able to complete this challenge if you make it about YOU. If they come back, what happens if you find someone new?? That is the question we should ask. NC is not what makes them come back, they don't come back because you stop contacting them. They only will comeback if they miss you. They may realize from the no contact that they miss you, but they only comeback because they miss you and want to comeback.

My ex is doing the same thing. She partying, bought a new car and is trying to buy a new house. I think it is living a lie, because I have been there. She just needs to experience herself. Personally with the house (really condo), I know its not what she had here. (Sorry if I am thinking about the material). She use to complain about paying barely anything in rent, now she'll have a mortgage and the bills that come along with a house. New car, she talked about forever, and I always told her she should do it. Of course, she never did because then it would have been because I suggested it. Partying, she was free to party whenever she wanted when we were together. Today, is the first day I actually hate her, so I hope she gets screwed (not physically) with the house, car, partying.

Day 9 Just realized today is the 3 month mark of the breakup!!! S**t hurts more now! Today was already a bad day without realizing that.

Day 9. Little bit of a crap day. Lately I have been dreaming of her. This is definitely a sign that she is becoming just a memory that my heart doesn't want to forget. I was feeling good this morning than I had a thought of her and now I just want to rip my heart out and threw it away. No desire to contact her which is good and I am actually able to functioning again. Plus, my gym membership finally came in the mail, so I will be hitting the gym hard starting Friday.

Day 8 (1 in 19). Flew by. I am feeling much better. Still think of her often. But finally accepting she is not coming back and she wasn't the one (thanks DB, hearing a total outside opinion does help even if its not what you want to hear). Well, finally feeling confident enough to maybe start dating. Going to take it slow. Not rush into it and hit on every woman. Just going to start testing the water to see what happens. Not expecting much, but I feel that going on a few dates is the next step in my healing process.

Day 6: only 1 attempt in 19 days. I was doing quite well the first 4 days, but the last 2 I have been thinking of her more. Mainly, her still coming back. Why I don't know. She made it clear she isn't. I think I think of her coming back, because I know that I lost trust in her after this heartbreak. So thinking of her coming back, makes me think of all the hurdles she would have to overcome, because of how much she hurt me. Also, I have been thinking recently of the perfect couples I know. Couples you know that have broken up, but knew they would get back together. Couples who just seem perfect for each other. I know we did not give that appearance of the perfect couple and we probably weren't. last thing that bothers me is that I love her still after 3 months of nothing but heartache. I know I am an intelligent, rationale, logical, person. But lost love just majorly screws all that up. (one of my problems in the relationship was that I thought about love in intelligent, rationale, logical terms aka denial). Still feeling great and actually feeling alive again.

How cow. I am sitting here reading this post and now she responded!

I too failed many times, including last night. I wrote 2 different letters, and eventually sent one. My mistake is once I read someone say send it and that they had success, I felt a little encouraged. It is a minor setback. I sent a 1 page letter saying why I love her and a little bit about what I missed. I have failed NC so many times. But this time is definitely different. See I wrote too many times when I broke NC before and wrote too long of letters. This time was short, too the point and sweet. I sent it late last night. Felt a little disappointed in myself after sending it. After a good night sleep, I woke up and my mind actually took over. With every failed attempted, she changes in my mind. I don't hate her or anything. But if you know little bit of my story, ex lives with a roommate that I refer to as wicked witch. After each failed attempt, my ex turns from a beautiful, amazing, and sweet woman to mini wicked witch. I feel a wall being built up around my heart now. I have read alot on ENA. Many people have failed on NC and still gotten back together with an ex. So just because you fail NC doesn't mean it over. I even have a personal experience of it a long time ago. NC is really more like the saying "if you love her, let her go and if she comes back, she yours forever." I am again on Day 1. Today feels good but sad. I am not upset or sad that she didn't respond. I fully expected that. I am sad because with each failed attempt my heart is closing towards her and I am losing the beautiful memory of her. I have know for quite some time now, that if she ever came back that there would have to be some serious discussion about our past issues. Now, even if she were to comeback, I really don't know if I would ever take her back, because my heart is building up a wall and my image of her is changing.

DAy 12/13 Broke NC. No feeling yet, as its late. I will probably be disappointed tomorrow. I don't expect a response from her. Huh, one day good one day bad. Breakups are cruel even when you are feeling much better.

Made it through Day 12. Wrote 2 totally different letters to her. But I have not sent either of them. I am holding off until Day 30. After day 30, I will look at it again. I must go 30 days simply for me.

FFFFF I felt strong this morning, probably too strong. I felt strong enough to write a closure letter. I spent the last hour just writing it. Now, it was a setback. I have not sent it. Posted on ENA instead, but still. FFFFF. I don't want to break NC, but then I do. FFFFF. Writing made me realize I just don't want to let go. Why can't I just let go?

Dear G: I know I am writing you again. It’s been 12 days since I last wrote/texted you. This is my last letter. It’s a closure letter. After more than two months of not speaking with you, I had to find my own answers and closure. As I have said before I am kind of thankful for this breakup. I learned a lot about myself and the relationship. I am not going to explain everything I learned, I basically did that already. As much as I wish it was just a break and not a breakup, I want to put closure to this relationship. Our #1 problem was communication. We just did not communicate well. It wasn’t just you and it wasn’t just me. It was both of us. #2, I lost a part of you when you read that email to S. As I said, before I did not communicate to you how much I really did love you during the relationship and attempted, in crazy ways, to tell you after we broke up. #3 – 1000, I will skip. I have come to realize and accept many of my flaws in the relationship. I should have been a bigger and smarter person. I was just stuck in a rut (as was our relationship). I am sorry for that. This breakup has really devastated me. I love you, even to this day. You were my best friend. You were my dream girl. You were really everything to me. I lost all that. Because of how much you meant to me, it will take some time to completely heal and I understand and accept everything. I will always love you. I have come to accept that. It is just the way I am. You will have a special place in my heart. I often think about us reuniting. I know it’s not going to happen. But I still think about it. I believe that our relationship would be stronger and better because of this experience. Just by me realizing how much I really love you and actually being able to communicate that to you would make our relationship stronger and better. As much as I want to sit here and try to “win you back,” nothing I could say or do would “win you back.” You wouldn’t believe me and you simply don’t care. The only way is if you want to come back. I often think that you will comeback because either you miss me or miss the relationship. Honestly, it is not going to happen. You hate me and you just don’t love me anymore. The last three months have made that clear. Plus, I have come to realize and accept that there are many more reasons why you will never comeback. I really don’t blame you. If I was in your shoes, I probably wouldn’t comeback either. I have started to accept that you’re gone forever. There is so much more I could say, but I am not. I have thought so much about your point of view, mine, and the relationship. I have come to understand and accept so many things that are both right, wrong, and in the middle. In the end, all my answers lead to the same conclusions, and that is that you are gone forever and that I will always love you. It’s funny. People tell me I should hate you or at least be over you by now or that you weren’t the right one. But I’m not and it’s not because I want you because you’re gone. It’s because I really love you, G. You are an amazing woman and I just love you for who you are. Honestly, I also don’t believe that if you truly love someone, you just “get over them.” In the end, I love you G and always will. I searched and found so many answers to why we broke up and why you left. Some are right, some are wrong, some are in the middle. No matter, how much my heart wants you back; it has accepted that you are gone forever. I will always have a great memory of you and of us. Like I have said before, I believe that we had something truly special and rare. Although it is over, I am thankful for having it for 2 and half years. I’m truly sorry I did not realize and communicate this to you while we were together. So for the last time, I love you. I am not going to contact you anymore. I understand that you have a new life without me that you enjoy and that I just have to let you go.

Its actually day 12, longer than I thought. Man, did it fly, it feels like just a few days ago I tried to contact her. Woke up this morning thinking about her. It doesn't help that I dream about her. Had a talk with my mom last night. I realized that I am still searching for answers in a way. I have broken down what I believe are the answers, but it as if I want a woman's insight to them. Everyone just says "get over her." As if it was so simple. They forget when they got their hearts broken. Mustachio: I still feel like you do. I have a desire to fight for the relationship, but I am not going to allow myself to do it. I feel like I have learned a lot. I have said many times that I am actually thankful for the breakup, because I learned things that I probably wouldn't of if we got right back together. I feel like it was actually a much needed break so I could actually evaluate things. I know that if we got back together it would be a better and stronger relationship, at least from my side. Here is the thing. I need to stop dwelling on this past relationship. I need to start thinking about the things I learned and making the next relationship with a new woman stronger and better. I have to switch my mind set from the past to the future.

Day 10 I doing much better. Watching football helps! I still can't shake the thoughts of a reconciliation conversation. I keep thinking she is going to call saying that she misses me or what we had (two different things). And the things I would say. I don't thinks these thoughts will go away for some time. Its either going to take time or another woman to get these thoughts out of my head. I kind of compare these thoughts to winning the lottery. I think about winning the lottery and what I would do. I know the odds of me winning are less than 1%. Same with her ever coming back. But I still think of both of them. I don't get sad or depressed over the thoughts anymore which is a good sign. I just keep replaying the conversation in my mind.

Day 9: I feel like I am finding some peace today. Don't know how long it will last. Posting on ENA either my problems or giving advice to others has really tremendously. By posting advice, I remember my past breakups, my ex's flaws, etc... It really helps bring back my rationale and helps me listen to my mind, instead of my heart. Still have a long way to go to become myself again, whether its the old me or a new me.

Just want to tell you I love you. Nothing needy. After all this time to reflect on our relationship, I just love you. After all the problems during and after the relationship. All the thinking of our flaws as individuals and a couple. The conclusion is still the same. I love you. In my mind and heart, I know that if we were to get back together, at least on my end, my relationship would be different. There is damage to repair on both ends. But I would be willing to attempt to repair it. I know what I need to do to improve. I can tell you what my issues are with you and what I believe are some of your issues with me. I can correct, some, not all, of the issues you had with me. I cannot tell you to correct yours. I can just tell you what they are and would expect that you correct some, not all of them. I just wish we could back to when it was just you and I loving each other. We let so many things interfere with our love for each other that I think we forgot to love each other. The everyday stress of life got to us. I want to believe our love was stronger than that, but maybe it wasn't and we just grew apart.

Day 9 Feelingitnow: I was thinking about your last post. I am not a hateful person. I don't hate people. I guess despite her two months of NC and the things she's done during it (rejecting flowers, having someone I really don't care for call me, sharing emails with that same person, not even responding when I let her know about great things that happened to me, turning her head away from me, etc...), I don't want to hate her. I should hate her for those things. They should be motivation to move forward. I know that she is a good girl and I don't want to lose that image of her. Part of me wants to believe she is doing this because she loved (past tense) so much. It really does not matter why. I am just too nice. I am friends with my previous ex. and she cheated on me and left. With her, I understood that she cheated and used the new guy as an excuse. She just wasn't strong enough to leave on her own. She need someone else as the crutch. My mother was saying that the only reason she should be acting like this is if there was abuse involved. But there wasn't. So many things get to me, but one in particular is her ex. He abused her, kidnapped, cheating, and stole $10,000 from her. He still calls her. He called her throughout the whole relationship. She occasionally answered his calls. She would usually tell me she did not recognize the number,etc... But she still would speak to him after abuse, kidnapping and theft. She always believe that he would pay her back the money. I also think that her roommate told her that if she ever spoke to me again, she wouldn't be friends with her. That is the type of person her roommate is. But the fact is she has chosen to not communicate with me. Love lost. Its as simple as that. Heav'n has no Rage, like Love to Hatred turn'd, Nor Hell a Fury, like a Woman scorn'd.

Thanks feelingitnow: You are absolute right. I can sit here and probably write an excuse of why I still love her. But its simply that I love her. I am just the type of guy when I fall, I fall hard. Usually its always after the relationship. I am feeling stronger day by day. One day I will get over her. It won't be tomorrow and I have accepted that, along with its over and I will never hear from her again. (That actually hurts writing, but I know its the truth.) Good to hear you two have forgiven each other. Just try and maintain NC for 30 days. He won't be confused if he doesn't hear from you for 30 days.

Day 8: I want to contact her. I know she at home for a wedding and with her parents. I just want to remind her that I still love her. I am not going to, posted here instead. But man, I really want her to take this weekend to reflect on what we had.

Day 9 actually. I can't even keep count, because I sent her a cd/coaster on the last day I texted her. Well, went on what could be considered a date last night. Nothing special. Didn't think or talk about the ex. which was good. I did sometimes find myself looking over my shoulder as if I was cheating. I did not expect that. No desire to contact her still which is good; still thinking of her which is bad. She is going to a wedding back at home this weekend and will see her parents/grandparents. Still fantasizing that the experience will make her realize what she gave up. But I know its just another fantasy.

Day 7. 1 week!!! Okay she is going back home today for a friends wedding. I have a delusion that her family will talk some sense into her. But that is just a delusion. Still no desire to contact her which is great. Still go through ups and downs of thinking of her, but I am getting use to it. Its the same thoughts mainly over and over again. I could go on a "date" tonight. I am not really sure I want to, but I may just to get out of the rut and take one step forward. I already know nothing will happen from it, but still it would just be nice to go out with a woman for dinner and drinks. We'll see.

One of two things happen when its over for the dumper/ex. 1) Its over, they still care about you but not that way anymore. 2) They lie to themselves. Everyone has told me my ex. wasn't right for me since the breakup. My ex. before her said I was "downgrading." (I find that funny for reasons). Nobody is perfect, so everyone can be bad for us. We are stuck, because even though that person at times was bad to us, we still love them and accepted them. You can find affection from anyone. He's probably not sorry, because he is immature (like my ex.). Some people refuse to look at themselves. They are afraid to admit that they have flaws. In their minds they are perfect and can do no wrong. Just move forward. I broke NC several times until I realized there was nothing left to say. So don't be discouraged just keep up with NC. Some days you have to fight it, but it gets easier. Any time you want to contact him, call someone else and just vent, or post here.