abitbroken

On 9/9/2021 at 6:16 PM, i hate this said:

I’m not talking about looks. I was just stating we are opposites. Yes he may have had a connection with this girl but he knew her 3/4 years longer than he’s known me. When I’m with him it feels like time stops and there’s no one else in the moment but us. 

You indicated that you have nothing to worry about because you are way more attractive than her.  So right, its not about looks. Because you see yourself as more attractive does not mean that your good looks means that he is not interested in her.  "time stops when i am with you" is a really big load of crap and you are buying it.  "the world stopped when i saw you from across the room"  soo many schmoozey lines.  usually "he told me he loooooved me so he doesn't mean anything.." If you believe that, then i have a bridge to sell you...

Stay off the internet chat boards. If people don't know you, why do they have anything to bully you about. Are you sure you are being bullied by every single person, or does when someone not agree with you, you don't compute that and take it as meanness, when its not? Sometimes people who are autistic can't always read social situations or tones of voice. Are you sure *everyone* is really bullying you?

What kind of ulterior motive do they think you have?   I doubt if all therapists actually yell at you....

On 9/8/2021 at 1:10 PM, Batya33 said:

It's not rude to compare your looks to hers to strangers (just like it wouldn't be rude for me to point out that she's not not "conveniently" attractive -she's not "conventionally" attractive according to you - I'm sure you were just typing fast and made a mistake just like you hope he just made a mistake when he chose to get drunk and have sex with her) but it's foolish on your part to tell yourself stories about how you don't need to worry since you beat her out in the looks department and you're complete opposites. 

 

Look at all the supermodels who have their boyfriends and husbands cheat on them.  Was the other woman more attractive?  99% of the time -- nope.   Most of the time, the other woman is a quite ordinary looking woman.  Its Nooooot about looks. 

7 hours ago, i hate this said:

No. I say my friends are useless bc they never bother with me. They actually tell me he’s good for me. But yeah, my friends and ***. They don’t want anything to do with me unless they can’t make plans with anyone else. 

They say he's good for you because then they are off the hook from listening to you and spending time with you.

15 hours ago, MissCanuck said:

You were slipping into his Mom's role here. And neither you nor Mommy should be responsible for this. 

You've done the right thing. He is way too old to behaving like a (lazy) teen, and I would be very turned off by any 30-year-old man who is this emotionally immature and unable to function as an adult. 

^^^This!

I would do yourself a favor and read up on codependency. There is a BIG difference between the give and take of being there for eachother/being helpful and being codependent. 

5 hours ago, Carnatic said:

Ehh, they're good people. I'm not going to turn down a request for friendship from someone who is sincere in offering it and, from my perspective at least, gives a lot back to the world.

That's like saying someone should accept a date from anyone who asks. Most people don't "request friendship" unless you are talking about facebook friends. You meet someone through a common interest and if they are a total downer, you decide not to initiate plans with that person outside of that photography class or whatever.  Some people through life do fewer things with some friends and make different ones.  You can also set boundaries. When someone starts putting themselves down "i understand that you like to put yourself down, but i wish you wouldn't.  I like talking about cooking with you, but when you put yourself down, i am going to go do something else.."

If most of your friends are in the same boat as you - lamenting about their plainness or what they think they are lacking instead of as a sort of hobby - it drags you down

I think this goes down to different value systems.

If he were unemployed, of course, lots of people were. If he were pursuing other training to try a different line of work while waiting for a job in his field to open up but just hadn't landed a job yet, then that's fine, too. Or caring for a sick parent  But mommy filling out his paperwork? yikes.  Yikes YIKES.

4 hours ago, Carnatic said:

well, as per the reason for creating the thread... it's been a long time since I was in a situation where there were 'red flags' to look out for, but some of them are really silly things such as showing 'cute' affection, or if she seems anxious herself, or saying that I seem 'really considerate' or complements of a similar nature. Silly because there's no logical reason to become anxious over these things but they mirror the way my ex behaved, and just sort of give me the fear.

Not a bridge I have to cross now, or indeed until I've already crossed other bridges, but I would imagine that moving in with someone again would be a huge step. I almost expect that I would refuse point blank, even if refusing to take that step was a dealbreaker.

Some people babble or say awkward things when they are nervous on a first date and that's okay.

I really, truly think the woman that you are ultimately attracted to is either 1) a totally unavailable but extremely attractive women so you can say "see, i'm undesirable". 2) a woman who reinforces your own thoughts about yourself.  A woman who tells you that you are "plain and overweight" and speaks exactly what your inner dialogue affirms you as.   You are suspicious of anyone who contradicts how you feel about yourself.

Honestly - "plain" might mean you are not a head turning specimen of male perfection, but you are not Quasimodo either.  That is exactly where *most* guys fall in this world. There are a small percentage of men that could walk into an agency for fashion and fitness models and have a multimillion dollar contract and a small percentage of men who are considered "ugly".  In otherwords, your looks are absolutely no barrier in meeting a woman and having a meaningful relationship.  If you are "plain/average" and you are unclean (you always smell, you don't regularly bathe/shower), and you have poor other hygiene (never go to the dentist), then you will have no luck.

So make sure you have a somewhat up to date haircut, ditto your glasses if you wear them, and take an honest look if you are wearing clothing that show you to your best (does not have to be designer, but the styles you choose and that they are clean as well), and that goes a long way.

Stay off of bumble and tinder. that is very much an app for the very young or quite attractive.  Or you need to have a thicker skin.  Other apps might work better for you - where there is a longer profile, or branching out in more ways to meet other groups of people but i think having a better friend group goes a long way

 If your friends brag who has the smallest ego -- get new friends.  If you choose male company that is happy where they are in life, working towards goals if they are not, etc, and have a healthy sense of self -- its going to rub off on you.

12 minutes ago, Jimmy Jon said:

I saw it as a more friendly encounter.  I am cool with whatev.  I realize most are saying she is "buttering me up", but not allowing me to tip her does not quite align.  In any case, I was just sharing the interaction.  I didn't go there "hoping" for anything.  I think she was just in a place of comfort as I was not trying to hit on her, ask for a number, etc.  Just chit chat.  Totally cool with it.  

She might be playing the long game.  You know, one on the house, bigger tip next time. Sorry, if she were straight up every time with you (being an efficient waitress, small talk but nothing that is really flirty or anything) not accepting a tip might mean something but all the pinching and stuff -- can you honestly think she doesn't treat other customers the same

On 8/13/2021 at 12:52 PM, Jimmy Jon said:

have went there a few times now.  I never ask for her but she has sought me out, lots of hugs, pinches, touching, telling me I am sexy

Sorry, that's pretty much sexual harassment to me. If the genders were reversed, there is no way it would fly.  Honestly, i would break someone's finger if they pinched me. 

If i were you its one thing if you bonded over talking about hiking or dogs and sort of one of you said "well, there is a great trail at the nature preserve..." and one of you took the other up on the offer that's one thing but immediately telling someone where you live? You might be flattered but i think its pretty boundary crossing but that's me

The best cure for shyness is practice.  Is there a toastmasters chapter that meets locally or online where you prepare and practice talking in front of a group about a topic? Or a hobby you like where you can join a group and have something to talk about with people - talking to men, women, people regardless of whether you want to date them or not.

I think saying that her father won't approve is just a crutch. you want to create scenarios in your mind where women are pining for you and WOULD be with you except for a dad, except for shyness, etc, and honestly, if woman was truly interested, talking wth eachother would come so naturally.

Also being quiet does not mean a person is shy.

54 minutes ago, boltnrun said:

I wouldn't do this because the OP exchanged vows with her husband, not this woman. Trying to make the woman go away won't solve the basic issue which is, the OP has a husband who cheats.

I should have prefaced it as "this is what my gut would want to do" not that i would...

Heck, i would call the woman up and find out if she is aware that not only he is married but he has a newborn at home.  Does she feel good having him shower with her and flirt with her knowing he has a newborn and a wife?

Why not go on a trip that you can both enjoy? Go to a destination where there is a biking trail, but is nearby to shows, antique shops, etc.  You go to a nice breakfast and dinner, she pokes around antique shops while you go biking.

Also, why not talk about what you BOTH would like to see on a vacation. What one does on a trip is different than daily life.

What about finding MALE friends that like to do what you do. My dad travels with 2-3 buddies and goes to car shows in other states = my mom could care less about going to one. Its wildly inappropriate to go with a lady.  

Just now, PNFSVJXOKD said:

You're still confusing things. For two consecutive times, my dream girl watched what colors I was wearing and then on the NEXT meeting, she was wearing those same colors.

Coincidence. People only have so many clothing items.   Its not a secret message

1 minute ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

Clearly not good advice. No good outcome can come out of this. Last time I was wearing black with a white shirt, let's see if the trend continues.

Sorry, you are confusing the girls. The first girl that said that actually DO changed her mind and she came back to me to try again. I was talking about the second girl.

If the other WOMAN is shy around you after this long, it could be that she just doesn't enjoy talking to you.  Why not find someone who really does

On 6/14/2021 at 10:03 PM, PNFSVJXOKD said:

 I told her that I know many couples that have a big age gap but she thinks that that is a sign of desperation.

 

She is a very perceptive young woman. 

If she is wearing the same colors as you, its coincidence because she could not have known what you were going to wear that day

Please distance yourself. This is concerning. She owes you nothing. This is how obsession/stalking starts.

8 minutes ago, PNFSVJXOKD said:

Because I love her ? And it shouldn't be the end of the world? And I asked her one year and nine months ago? And I'm getting the felling that she _does_ like me but is also very shy and she doesn't know how to speak to me or even starting a romantic relationship ? Especially last time that I asked her, was being a difficult time for her, maybe it was not the right time ? Maybe I need to have a longer conversation before without being so upfront about my intent ? Because she didn't give me a reason to believe that she would never change her mind ?

Really, this should not be a hard time. If this is such an agony for women, then it is being done wrong. There has to be a way to do this that is not unconfortable.

Let us please consider an hypothesis for now. Suppose she really is wearing the same colors as I am to send me a message. How should I respond that ?

Please respect her!  She said you are too old for her and now you are convinced that "she never said she would change her mind".  That's really creepy, you know?   If a woman says "this isn't a good time for me" its a gentle way of saying NO.  There are other women in the world to meet

Now is the best time to break up with her because she is living with her parents, who love and can emotionally and financially support her.   Its not like she is living in a lonely apartment, isolated from the world. 

1 hour ago, Usa1ah said:

He would have never snapped if she didn’t cheat and him finding out. 
 

I said that she didn’t deserve to be hit. Her husband should go to jail for a long time for doing so. 
 

No one deserves what happened to OP. I never said she did.

You are saying she "caused" the attack. That's a sad and disgusting way to think.

6 hours ago, JimStewart said:

With the eggs, her mother asserted her point. I did not try and prove her wrong. I stated I believed chickens lay eggs fertilized or not, but then I stated, “I’m not certain so I’ll look it up.”  So I did what any fact-checker does, I Googled it.  At the time, it was simply (I thought) a good natured discussion.

That is really something trivial that you didn't need to "factcheck". She wasn't about to put up a hutch and buy chickens, so it was just small talk.  

7 hours ago, JimStewart said:

Hello.  Tinydance and thank you for your thoughts and insight.  I do know what you mean as I had previously worked in Moscow and Novgorod where I met many Russians.  I managed a recording artist there and spent time with her and her Mother and sister at their summer house. 

In addition, I dated a girl from Russia for a number of years.  Her parents would come to LA and stay with her for months at a time and we all got along great!  We did road trips to San Francisco, Las Vegas, San Diego, etc.  We spent holidays together and had countless meals together. I even got the father a job while they were here in LA!  So I have probably more experience then most when it comes to the cultural differences.  But this was so off the reservation.   Your Mom sounds charming as were my prior girlfriend’s parents.  I wasn’t trying to prove her mom wrong about everything. With the eggs, her mother asserted her point. I did not try and prove her wrong. I stated I believed chickens lay eggs fertilized or not, but then I stated, “I’m not certain so I’ll look it up.”  So I did what any fact-checker does, I Googled it.  At the time, it was simply (I thought) a good natured discussion.

Tinydance is FROM Russia (even if she hasn't been their in awhile, her parents and relatives are also of that cultures) and you, who have merely visited Russia, are trying to explain your way out of a corner -- that you are really culturally knowledgeable, etc. , so therefore its appropriate to expect to school mom when she is "rude".  having your second Russian girlfriend does not make you understand daughter-mother Russian relationships.  You also could have been a different person back then as well.

My ex always "read up" on self help and would "diagnose" people's relationships - that my mom or dad was this or that. I had a healthy upbringing -- he met me in my early 20s when i was still kind of like in the "my parents are oppressive phase" which were just the growing pains of living with your parents as a young adult.

7 hours ago, JimStewart said:

Call me crazy though, if a person, regardless of who they are, is rude and disrespectful, the person who they are being rude and disrespectful to has a right to stand up for themselves and not be disrespected and treated rudely

The mother did nothing that was rude and disrespectful to you (other than a perceived tone or terseness that may come with English being a second or third language ) to warrant "standing up for yourself" Are you sure you weren't ready to pounce so to speak, or ready to respond to mom in a certain manner because your mind was already tainted by your GF's story and so you automatically painted mom in your mind as a disrespectful person?

Self esteem issues are universal. Some people didn't have the best golden childhood, say screw it and are successful anyways.  Your girlfriend is struggling to try to be famous for her self worth.  Two kids could grow up in the same household and one could have no self worth and the other could be confident as heck. 

On 8/29/2021 at 1:07 PM, Carnatic said:

Thanks... and this is your first post, sounds like you'll fit in well here (well I'm only just back after a loooong hiatus from this site).

It's a nice positive story, I enjoyed reading it.

With clothes, I have this weird attitude that buying clothes that fit me now is like giving up that I will always be this weight... I have some lovely clothes from a few years back that I would like to wear again... also a couple of times where something bought for me didn't fit me but I couldn't get it exchanged for something in my size, so I kept it instead.

It's difficult to find nice clothes when you're big, charity shops never stock clothes in your size, it's too expensive for independent stores to stock much above XL and most big clothing stores only have my size in the 'generic slogan t-shirt and plain button shirt' sizes. Back when I was younger, I mentioned earlier, even when I was doing an intense level of exercise and eating healthy home-cooked meals I was still 'fat' but at least I was just at the upper end of the range where I could buy nice clothes. That's when I got all these clothes, I loved exploring places for things I felt went along with my image of myself. I long to be able to wear those again.

You can do something about being over an XL.  I mean, if you are 7' tall maybe not and you can be in proportion, but if you are of average height, a friend of mine had good luck with an app called Noom -- its not a diet app per say but it reprograms you to start making better choices. I would get a physical, check your thyroid out, make sure you are not allergic to any foods as well. Believe it or not, some food allergies can cause you to keep weight on because you are basically poisoning yourself.

Some women like big guys - but you have to have an engaging personality and a healthy sense of self worth to attract them. 

You say you are "plain" - congratulations - a very small percentage of men are astonishingly attractive and a small percentage of men look like quasimodo (the latter can overcome that by having a great sense of humor, being a good listener, or very intellectually interesting especially if they are not looking to marry a supermodel) . A larger group of men are average looking -- and by the numbers, women must be marrying more of the group in the middle

Work on what's inside mentally and a lot of other things will follow

You left an abusive relationship 6 months ago. And you have been friends like this for a year and a half. its tricky when someone meets you while you are in a relationship == he could have taken on the "male girlfriend" role with you if that makes sense. Or you were "safe" because you weren't available. Have you been through some therapy to learn to recognize healthy boundaries so you don't accept another one down the road?

I encourage you to make more friends (or sign up for volunteer gigs, or whatever) so you are not crushing on him because he's simply there.  I would simply at times have other plans and not let things be a 6-7 hour hangout (have to wrap it up in an hour or two) or have to get off the phone after half an hour or so because you are on your way to meet a female friend, volunteer opp or book reading.  It doesn't have to be that you have a date. If you are less available to hang out in one sitting, he is going to have to make an effort to see you outside of "lessons".  

In some ways, you are giving him quantity over quality -- if you tried giving him less quantity -- not as a game, but naturally not relying on him so much for emotional support or entertainment, he might have to make a move to see you more or he won't and you will be a more well rounded person with a bigger support group.

You have already tried to suggest something datey - going for drinks and he declined. He said he wanted a quiet evening in - he could have invited you over for a drink for that quiet evening but he didn't. 

Do you think that he likes you as a friend but you are just not his type?

1 hour ago, lostandhurt said:

Have you warned your bf that your husband is violent?  If not you should.

  Seek help from a battered woman's shelter as they have the most experience with these situations.

Time to start divorce proceedings don't you think?

Lost

You don't need to stay there to take advantage of counseling services.  There are domestic violence hotlines that will refer you to free counseling, support group and often legal or housing help