abitbroken

4 hours ago, boltnrun said:

These are your hobbies? I ask because I haven't found these to be typical "women's" activities with yoga being the exception of course (women and men do yoga as you know!) The only person I know who crochets is a man.

knitting and crocheting are pretty hot with the under 30 crowd nowadays. There are whole online communities for it.  TONS of young women are doing it. A lot of old fashioned hobbies are trendy again. The only problem is that they are solo activities. They are not hobbies you do where you "meet"  someone like a hiking group would be. A friend of mine joined different meetup groups based on activites he would like to do with someone if he had a girlfriend -- and he did get a few dates, then ultimately met his wife.

Volunteering is also a good way to meet someone.

But you could start a knitting group for your age group. 

Who cares if your mom and sister are competitive. If mom was truly competitive, she would enter marathons.  She says competitive things because she probably feels a little inferior and needs to talk about how she is better for her self esteem.  But anyway - just accept this about her. She won't change.

btw, was your sister actually invited to your vacation place by you or did mom extend this invite.  It could be that when things filter through mother, they come out very differently by the time they get through to sister or mom suggested everyone go to sister's on her own.

This is what i would do going forward

1) Send your sister an invite directly with the details "we will be at vacation place x through x date. we would love to see you if you are able to come at any date during this time.

2) If mom rattles on or sis rattles on about how she can't make it, say "i am so sorry you can't make it"

In otherwords, take control of it. If anyone says its not fair.  Say "i am sorry you can't make it.  we hope to see you next time."  And be firm. 

And do the same with any other invite for your sister.  Just go directly to your sister, even if its an email. Don't change your plans for her.  or mom.

I felt so bad for her this morning I was about crying. She was puking and coughing really bad this morning. I decided to be proactive and actually figure out a way for her to get tested today. She is genuinely afraid of losing her job, also.

 

I actually asked my Mom to send her a friend request. My Mom isn't very Facebook savvy and she doesn't usually add people. She waits for people to add her. The other day Z was saying she wonders why none of my family of friends have added her. I didn't really know how to respond. Most of them haven't met her. I know I wouldn't feel comfortable adding someone's SO if I hadn't met them yet. Maybe I'm just out of touch with what the etiquette on that is though. The last person I was with... as soon as we made our relationship Facebook official a whole bunch of his friends added me without having ever met me.

 

My Mom and brother have both met her in passing. But it was a really quick encounter both times. And my brother met her back before we ever even started dating. She was just my roommate then and he was fixing my lawnmower.

 

So I asked my Mom to friend request her because I know it would make her feel good. Hopefully my Mom actually does it.

Gee..

I am the opposite. I really don't want my guy's family to friend me on social media. I am very limited on it, but even so that's MY space to speak freely.

I think you should tell her what you said - some relatives aren't really on Facebook are not tech savvy and they have not all met her.

Do you think FB does not actually matter per se, but its a way of marking her territory/ getting reassurance from you about how you feel (if family is friends with her, then you feel secure with her)

But to make certain sounds properly you need to place your tongue on your teeth.

Exactly. If kids lose their teeth way before its natural time, it could. They won't get an adult tooth for at least another 4 years. Their adult teeth are either not formed or a few years from being ready to poke through at 2.

It’s Too Soon When…

If your child loses a tooth before the age of 3, then you need to schedule an appointment with your pediatric dentist. Usually, natural tooth loss begins around age 6, and concludes around age 12.

If a baby tooth is lost too early, it can cause serious crowding problems for the developing adult teeth, as well as negatively impact the jaw’s muscle and bone development. This can lead to necessary orthodontic treatment later in life to correct a bite and alignment issues.

Can You Fix a Tooth Lost Too Early?

Fortunately, there are plenty of options for those that lose teeth too soon! Spacers and space maintainers are placed in the gap of the lost tooth to help prepare for the arrival of the incoming adult tooth. Spacers come in many shapes, sizes and colors, and can make an un-fun situation more enjoyable for your child.

Hopefully the parents take her in to get looked at. especially to make sure part of the root wasn't left behind to become infected

Not right now. She couldn’t even walk as far as her bathroom. She may lose that job who knows .

How can she work at a daycare, then. Little kids sometimes need to be picked up - definitely babies, but often toddlers, too.

Why not hire someone else part time and fire her? I know you said you could not afford it, but you can't afford to be broken.

If you are not yet divorced, new dates and girlfriends are merely a distraction. Because you get along with them is not proof of healing. As a divorced person myself, other emotions will hit at different stages in the process. Great reconnecting with your mom. But I'd cool it on new woman #1, #2, and so forth. Less arm candy -- otherwise you are going to repeat the same marriage again

Slow your roll. You are not over your wife and you are not divorced yet (as far as i know). part of the reason your marriage broke down was emotional neglect. So please stay single for awhile -- figuring out who you are on your own as a divorced man - vs jumping into a rebound relationship.

STOP going through her phone log. You no longer want her. Leave her be. You want to try to make this all about that "she might be cheating" and left you rather than owning the real reason for the breakdown of your marriage.

Honestly, you keep spinning things -- you rushed to take care of your ailing mom and she gave you a hard time. Nope, that's not what you mentioned in the first place. You became emotionally embroiled in their divorce and their RELATIONSHIP. If it was merely that mom was ailing and you were the only one to head things up, you would be a present husband, and you would have gone to take care of mom in rotation with other relatives or would have also set up a home health aide. Maybe she would have been a hand on deck as well.

To have an ideal partner - there is no such thing. the ideal partner is the partner you choose.

Why would a woman want to be with you knowing that you neglected your wife?

and then made a list of the "ideal partner" instead of making a list of what YOU can bring to the table, and what you refused to bring to the table during your marriage.

When i was dating, I first had a clear assessment of what I did to contribute to the end of my previous marriage. No one deserves the abuse i suffered, but i had to be honest on how i tried to make it work and how I erred in choosing - i was past the blame stage. Will you demonize your wife when someone asks why you divorced or will you have growth?

Honestly, i don't know any woman who dreams of a man that when you bring your needs to him - tell him what you are missing in the marriage that instead of working on those things, you punish her - you kick her to the curb and then act like she is the one who wronged?

She has wanted to go to counseling with you, to which you have refused. And now you will go to counseling BUT ALSO THE LAWYER. I think you want to have the fantasy of being the poor, hurt man with a vindictive wife. All she has wanted is your attention and to go to counseling and you kicked her out of the house and now want a swifty divorce. WHy not instead of pushing it all at once you do that one simple step - you go to several counseling sessions without moving forward on anything else.

All you care about is she got her nails done, or had a meal other things you feel are not self care but are frivolous.

Could you have been a better husband? Yes, Absolutely!!! Would that have stopped them from leaving? No way because it's an internal struggle for them. The trigger could be many things (lack of happiness, lack of direction, boredom).

not all women cheat. Many women leave and don't cheat. Many more stay in marriages where they feel lonely and try to fill the void with volunteering, shopping, grandkids if they are that age to have them, or pets - and have an emotional need filled just enough to coexist with their husband. He wonders why at 65 she leaves him because she just wants to be able to come and go and not do his laundry and cook his meals. Its not fair to cast her as a cheater - which you have no proof. you can only answer for yourself. you want a fast track to divorce, when actually working on yourself is the only thing you should do right now. When you kick someone out of the house, they are no longer beholden to you and you can't expect they feel that you didn't mean it

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I already see a therapist but I’m not really feeling any benefit. So far she actually keeps telling me that I’m doing great and have developed some fantastic skills and coping methods but I just wasn’t feeling good at all. I intend to tell her I’m not feeling any benefit when I see her next.

 

I think those saying focussing too much on the books can be negative are right. I think I was a bit in my head with oh no how can I get better, need to really focus on my therapy and getting better.

 

I have been trying a few things, recorded hypnotherapy, affirmations and meditation for self esteem and confidence (some by Marisa Peer) and I do feel like something has shifted. When my ex ended things with me I was very focussed on taking care of myself and it gave me a particular feeling that I’m feeling again in the past few days. I think the change from “get better” mentality to “take care” mentality is probably helping.

 

I notice I’m not worrying so much and my constant intrusive thoughts aren’t negative or abusive, they have become more neutral. If this is down to the few recordings I have been listening to then I think that’s pretty impressive!

How long have you been in therapy?

Meditation is out for me . It contradicts canonical law.

No it does not. Yes, new agey "ooomm" meditation is but some of the great saints and scholars in church history thoughtfully meditated -- meditating prayerfully.

Oh ok, read the story. My son doesn't want to be different though. He is happy as an autistic. We don't want him not to be autistic. Autistic is fine with us.

If it relieves his anxiety, and makes his expression of autism such that he can function more independently, wouldn't you jump at the chance if some dietary change would help him? if he could still have his quirks, but be able to communicate enough to hold a job someday, and to self advocate (if he has a problem with bright lights, he takes his own precautions like bringing sunglasses or picking the cubicle near the window so he can turn the lights off, etc.). It would not change who he was as a person. if it actually worked, it might be a relief to him and you.

There is one part of the Autistic pride movement that really annoys me . And that is the fact they say if you talk about challenges raising your Autistic child you are making their disability about you . And you have no right to talk about their disability . Mmmmm ,well, I hate to break this to you every parent talks about challenges of child rearing . And a person's disability affects more than just a disabled person . Mm mm,K!

I think parental support groups and such are great. What I find harmful is parents who post photos of their child on social media with their anecdotes, or write published articles on their struggles with raising that child and include the photo and name of the child and possibly other identifying info. They have no idea that it sort of marks them for life, in a way. What if they are to the point in adulthood where not everyone knows they are autistic through coping mechanisms and just being self aware of their triggers, etc.. it makes it hard for a child to not be known as "the autistic one" and prevents them from operating with an undetected disability if they choose to live their life that way. I don't think parents should document every tantrum of neurotypical children either, of course, but worse for children who struggle to fit in.

Then yes, I think in those cases the parent is putting themselves ahead of their child.

If you want my opinion, I would pick my battles. You have to let go if you are going to treat him as an adult. As long as he changes his underwear daily - it doesn't matter if he wears the same pants for a week. Really, it doesn't unless he is doing manual labor or otherwise getting them badly soiled. And if he wears a t shirt and another shirt over it - as long as its not a shirt that wrinkles easily it is really no big deal for him to wear that overshirt multiple days, particularly if its a sweatshirt or flannel, etc. Also, sometimes taking a shower is a major sensory assault. I can't be touched by anyone for awhile after I take a shower. If he doesn't take a shower every day, but will clean under his arms/groin area under the tub faucet, that's good enough. As far as his hair, going a day without washing it won't kill him. Actually, if he had long hair, every other day is actually healthier for the hair oils. That is something you need to let go on - he will figure out he needs to wash his hair more often cause and effect if he starts noticing his skin is scaley or oily or if someone else comments on it (coworker, friends, etc.) But doing it because mom says isn't going to fly here and him digging his feet.

I honestly think that not you but his dad should lead the way on encouraging him to wash himself more. "hey, the days I can't take a shower...i do this...it might help you feel better.." _ sharing what works for him rather than mom laying down the rules. So if you can compromise and as long as he changes his underwear - its up to him to decide on his own - I think you will be farther along.

Also - if he has a favorite shirt that he is wearing multiple days and its not about changing his clothes but its about just liking that shirt - what about if he latches on to a particular item, try to find a duplicate or buy two of something at a time if that is the root of the problem.

I think all these "what an autistic child wants you to know" should be written by adults with autism, not PhD

s or MDs who are perceiving things from the outside. Just my two cents.

There is a new study out now stating the increase of autism is linked to a mothers' use of SSRIs while pregnant. Well.... Not so sure.

My mom never was prescribed any.

 

“You have to stretch these children just outside the comfort zone,” Dr. Grandin tells Fox 5 News in the video below. “You stretch just enough so they develop, but don’t go into meltdowns and problems.”

Agreed. Expand their comfort zones little by little so their bubble gets a little bigger and little bigger over time and therefore the trigger for meltdowns will get less and less sensitive as well in those situations.

I read this discussion and meant to comment a few days ago, but I have had limited internet - so I can delete it if you feel it is out of place here - but as someone on the autism spectrum, I have conflicted feelings when someone says "I wouldn't put a child through that" in regards to choosing not to have a child for fear they will be autistic. It is like the image, to me, of talking about the elderly person in the room or the ill child in the room as if they are not there. Compared to having a physically visible disability, where people would not say those things in front of them, its like being the spy in the room on things you are not supposed to hear. In fact, since they suspected I was on the spectrum, my parents have treated me less as an individual and more explaining my choices "because of autism" instead of personality. They saw me as unique, intelligent and having in some ways, more guts than my siblings and someone who is more successful taking the less charted path before. In some ways, they are more patient with me and don't say "you know, you really don't care about people" but the truth is I DO care deeply. We lock horns less, but something was also taken away from me. In some ways they feel better about themselves and "need' me to be autistic.

It saddens me, really. My life is valuable. I add things to the lives of others. I have a boyfriend/future husband who loves me and I him. He treats me as me. Granted, I am not as social as other people. I have become very self aware of what makes me comfortable and happy - if that means I need to gear up mentally for a longer period of time about upcoming events - well, heck - whatever. My boyfriend knows that my brain just whirls around about 34 things at once and therefore sometimes I need the reminder that I forgot to put that bowl or cup away that I set to put away before I got distracted and such - but he feels that is such a minor thing, is a human thing and not part of any disease and he rather have someone who comes up with interesting perspectives on things and is not like all the other girls.

Anyway - rant over. I don't know what your son feels about being diagnosed in regards to how he views his personality and identity and you may not find out til later. Maybe he doesn't think about it much, but I hope he knows that there is a lot more to him than a diagnosis.

But bottom line (so i guess rant not over), not all autistic people feel that our parents "did this to us" and are glad that they had us. I don't have many nieces/nephews but they are all developing on the charts with nothing to suggest that they are autistic or have any physical issues outside the norm either. But if they were diagnosed with autism. it would not be the end of the world.

I went through that. If the principal wasn't there to know who started the fight - and there were no witnesses as to that as far as a teacher or hall monitor that saw it break out - they punish BOTH kids. They wanted to suspend me for three days AND the girl who was beating on me, too.

I mean why is it that they don't understand that the executive functioning skills and the ability to self regulate is affected??

Since he applied for that job the poor kid comes home every day and asked me mom did they call me yet? I could just cry. He wants to make his own money ,he wants to look after himself. I have had to fight like a dog since he's been three years old for anybody to give him a chance. Medical professionals have tried to railroad him ,schools have tried to railroad him. I am sick to freaking death of people trying to keep him down.

Why not instead of watch him upset every day because that one job hasn't called him - why not encourage him to apply for others. Teach him that sometimes its a numbers game, or you have to apply for a lot of them for the most chances. he doesn't have to comprehend why, but rather "that's just how it works - we are supposed to apply for a lot of them to get practice".

It was devastating when I went to fill out an application, the came back the next day to add my references and I asked for my app back and a note was written on it "nice, but a little strange." I took my application with me and did not let it stay. At the time I was working nights stocking and really wanted a cooler job. I did get jobs. It just took time and being fired for one or two until I found the right fit. And the reasons that I was fired seemed totally random to me - I get it now, but didn't understand than.

How about volunteering for an arts organization?

I agree. Not just that, but go to lectures, or maybe the museum has a movie night of a forum film and a wine and cheese mixer before hand.

Also - I am on the intellectual side with literature in my interests. My bf is not. he has a hobby that he is passionate about which involves making and figuring things out. He has broadened by becoming more of a reader. But we like to listen to and consider what the other one has to say, consider it carefully and ask questions to inspire more conversation rather than two of us such brains in the same area where we clash or both stay up too late writing or are both wanting to hole ourselves up - he gets me out of the house and more hands on, i have given him many other things to consider intellectually. We are a good match because we compliment eachother - where I have strengths, he has weaknesses and vice versa. It is about respect, being curious about what the other thinks and does more so than both being "the same."

He grounds me immensely and I am the better for it.

I was with someone who had similar qualities to me in some ways and it was a disaster because he was always critiquing me rather than just enjoying the fruits of my efforts with me sometimes.

How long were you together? That may play a factor?

I agree - this is not out of the ordinary. The only thing I would have done different perhaps would be to really give him space. In some cases, the kind weekly emails or trying to help him with his mother's stuff would be too much for someone because they would be regularly reminded that you are sitting there waiting for an answer. I probably would have told him to contact you when he is ready to talk and then disappear. I normally don't advocate that for breakups = to allow the other person to have the power of when to call,but in this case, you don't know how much space he needs. Once my ex broke up with me not because I was the problem but because his family was going through stuff and he couldn't handle one more person or couldn't worry about maintaining a relationship because he would feel bad if he didn't call, take me on dates, etc.

I really think that maybe something hit home when it came time for you to step inside the home his mother lived in, etc. To him, it might have been something he needed to do to grieve on his own. I know when I had to do the hard thing of moving after a divorce which is not death of course, I got emotionally, snappy and mean to people who were saying "oh, you don't need this" "can i have this?" or "let me throw this away." i was OKAY with people initially offering but once they got there, I couldn't handle it.

I think you did all you could, and I would just give him a mile of space. Either move on, or let him contact you next.

What I think IS a fair question is where the relationship is going after 6 years, even if the question of faith is not there and it is a fair question to decide whether you two are compatible in the long run. Maybe not to answer to him, but to think about it for yourselves. Also, there are many people who attach themselves to Buddhism and they don't even know what its about and maybe he doesn't really know that that's not you.. It is more than "accept everybody" there are also things that Buddhists belief that is not anywhere near "whatever, whatever you want to believe is fine." that is what makes buddhism buddhism and not secularism or humanism. Anyway, some folks say their buddhists because they think cool: and maybe he believes that this may be you because he doesn't know. There honestly were friends of mine where it was a "phase." I did know someone who was serious about their buddhist faith and it was far form "i don't go to church so I'm buddhist" - he studied with monks and was a practicing buddhist - he was religious in other words. What I am trying to say is that because of this all, people who are not buddhists dont see everyone attaching to buddhism as serious - its something some friends were fervent about in college and then it fizzled out.

If you respect her faith, then it could work, but Christians are taught to seek a life partner who is "equally yoked." I would actually out of respect for her learn about what she believes. Read about the teachings of Jesus Christ and decide for yourself whether it is something you believe or at least can support the belief in her. I am not saying read church doctrine, but actually read his words and meet people who have been changed and have faith. It will give you a better understanding whehter you an support her or not. And that will tell you a lot about whether it is something if you said you are willing to convert like you said or you are willing to at least be supportive of her.

Normally, I understand where people are coming from of not wanting people to shove things down one's throat, but if you are considering marrying this girl someday, it is a FAIR thing to explore, wonder and think about if it is something that would be a dealbreaker for you or it is something you can merely tolerate or embrace.

Above all, I would encourage her to attend church even if you don't go. You don't want it to be a codependent situation where she goes or doesn't go because she is trying to please or appease you. She can choose what she wants, of course, but she shouldn't feel like she can't go to church with her family or believe what she belives because she feels that you won't be with her. I know myself I help people in support groups connected with a place of worship but for awhile I didn't go because I wanted to be free for my boyfriend. But I changed what I do now. But the difference is we believe the same things, so a little different, but the same in the whole "not going because of a boyfriend".

Also, because her dad JUST found out about you after 6 whole years maybe he wants to give you the once over beause he wonders why his daughter was keeping he relationship from him. wanted to know if there was a reason for concern or not