abitbroken

15 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Well this is just my opinion but it's probably also because I basically don't care about people's body size and I'm chubby myself. I've dated obese people as well as people so skinny that their ribs really showed. Just to me personally someone's body size doesn't matter because the actual person, who they are, is not the body but inside that body. To me yes that one reason seems shallow but if to you it's important then that's fine.

not everyone needs to be a size 0 obviously.  But yes, its incompatibility if one person is so morbidly obese that the other person fears they will just drop dead one day.

43 minutes ago, Usa1ah said:

Is it your fault that your husband snapped, yes. That doesn’t mean you deserved to be put in the hospital. 
 

Violence against a cheating spouse is never right. 
 

There was a betrayed spouse in England that lured the OM to the family farm and killed him. 
 

Some people just lose their sanity when betrayed like this. 
 

Was your husband a violent person before this happened?

NO it is NOT her fault that he snapped! Its her fault that he feels betrayed by the cheating but a better man would have never hit her. He would have asked her to leave the house , or he would have been in shock so he would be stunned and quiet and remove himself for a few minutes so he DIDn'T get violent.

NO ONE deserves to be hit, thrown down stairs etc.  My friend was shot in head and spine by her soon to be ex husband.  Did she deserve it because "he was mad" about the divorce? She lived but will never walk again.

45 minutes ago, Usa1ah said:

A RO is useless. She would be dead before the authorities got to her. 

I am not saying to rely on it, but she needs to do this to continue a paper trail in addition to doing everything else to keep herself safe - so when he comes up for trial (i pray that she is pressing charges) the more paper like that piles up, the more that will sway the judge that he needs to be locked up.

On 8/30/2021 at 8:34 PM, JimStewart said:

Actually, I am not "arguing" and telling people they "dont' understand" when they take a perspective.  What I  have noted is when a follow-up poster was mistaken as to the underlying facts that set forth in the opening post.  That's all and you can compare what I wrote in the OP to the points I endeavored to correct.

You keep clarifying because you do not agree with the answers, and are looking for another detail you have forgotten to change our minds.  

I really think you should look up White Knight syndrome -- or maybe not syndrome that's a bad word because its not a disease or anything. You saw a woman who revealed her childhood wasn't awesome and she wasn't where she needed to be in her career and you went into rescue mode. 

Please take what people are telling you to heart -- it is always possible to change for the better. 

5 hours ago, Tinydance said:

Actually on that point. Russia has now introduced a law that if a man  beats a woman, but it's within a relationship, all they get is a little fine. So a lot of women that are victims of family violence actually just run away and hide from the man so that he can't find them and hurt them and the children.

YES

you can't expect someone who lives in a different country with different laws and culture to do what someone would do if they lived in the US all their life.  Its easy looking on the outside to say "well mom should have just left or went to the authorities".  Mom was born during the USSR era, and i do know at least still in the 70s and 80s, you got on the list for an apartment when you were born, once you got one (it could take until you were an adult because you had to wait for enough people to die, give up their apartments due to marriage), you had no say on where it was, and if you married, and moved in with the new spouse, you lost your apartment and had nowhere to go if things went south.  At least that is what we learned and that is what people who fled from the USSR told us. 

Some people use "they" so they don't say anything identifying where someone can't guess who you are -- but it would be helpful to know if you are a man and woman, two dudes, two ladies, etc....

Sorry, he or she is a jerk.  You are not unfeeling. They are making you feel like you are the crazy one.

I really think he or she set you up for failure - to pretend that your safety glasses were the ONLY possible thing that would satisfy the need and its your fault.

This is not healthy. you are going to make yourself crazy or be absolutely spent and crushed and feel like you don't have a soul after awhile.  Please please reconsider this relatonship

please file a restraining order -- go with the house with family to get your important papers like your birth certificate, social security card and so forth.  then go stay with family or someone where he doesn't know. Don't back down from pressing charges

On 8/30/2021 at 4:29 PM, Roadtoheal said:

Why is everyone so ageist? What does his age got to do with it?!

That is a negative stigma. This man is also not a creep, only from her encounter and judgement about him.

I have made my own judgements about him after developing a friendship, and he isn’t a creep at all and is respectful to me and a decent guy.

If a 29 year old old paleontologist meets a 50 year old paleontologist on the and they start talking over their mutual passion of dinosaur spleens, and one day they just realize that they are eachother's other half -- the more power to them. When a guy who is 50 consistently makes moves on young women and hangs out at parties with much younger people - its a sign that he has a very low maturity level.  He is looking for FWB, hookups, and such.  He doesn't date women closer to his age because they wouldn't touch him.  

If a 50 year old guy is dating women in ther 40s, and then one day meets a younger woman over a mutual hobby or avocation and there is more substance to it and he not *looking* for specifically a younger woman, it just happens to be the right person and there happens to be an age difference

On 8/30/2021 at 4:29 PM, Roadtoheal said:

Why is everyone so ageist? What does his age got to do with it?!

That is a negative stigma. This man is also not a creep, only from her encounter and judgement about him.

I have made my own judgements about him after developing a friendship, and he isn’t a creep at all and is respectful to me and a decent guy.

If a 29 year old old paleontologist meets a 50 year old paleontologist on the and they start talking over their mutual passion of dinosaur spleens, and one day they just realize that they are eachother's other half -- the more power to them. When a guy who is 50 consistently makes moves on young women and hangs out at parties with much younger people - its a sign that he has a very low maturity level.  He is looking for FWB, hookups, and such.  He doesn't date women closer to his age because they wouldn't touch him.  

If a 50 year old guy is dating women in ther 40s, and then one day meets a younger woman over a mutual hobby or avocation and there is more substance to it and he not *looking* for specifically a younger woman, it just happens to be the right person and there happens to be an age difference

Why are you wasting time at 29 with a 50 year old dude?

2 hours ago, JimStewart said:

Hello and thank you for your comments. I think you may have misunderstood a couple of points. I did not insert myself into their plans. It was the opposite.  My GF wanted to take her mother on a hike that was about an hour from my home (45 minutes from my GF's home) and so my GF asked me to come, to be part of the experience, but also because I have a car and she does not and the mother did not rent one upon her arrival.  I did not insert myself, my GF inserted me into the plans.

As for the Vaseline, that was my suggestion when my GF said her foot hurt from the bee sting irrigation.  The suggestion was based years of running and hiking where hikers/runners use vaseline to avoid skin irritation and supported by Podiatrist website advise.  The goal was to help my GF who was about to embark on a 4.5-5.0 mile hike with a bad foot and this was after my GF asked for my help regarding her foot earlier that same morning.

If she had a bad foot -- you could have suggested that they go to a cafe, an outdoor theater performance or something that didn't involve hiking, too.

Do you see a difference between making a suggestion an "correcting" her mother?  Does that put it into perspective? If mom already took care of it and GF was satisfied with that and put vaseline on it, I would have just let it go or would have not "showed up" mom by quoting podiatrist websites.  It might have worked fine or GF could have had a sore foot - either way, she is an adult who made a choice. 

You are way too involved with groceries, being GF's and the handler of their travel itinerary.  It was nice to pick mom up from the airport, but staying out of it and letting GF invite you for dinner if mom wanted to meet you - would have been more standard for the length of time you are dating.

Anyway = maybe the responses have given you items to consider.

btw, 'trying to help with her career" is also codependent.

Doing things for someone because you don't think they are capable of doing it and making yourself "needed"  is also

Why did you insert herself in all of their plans? Its nice to meet her and mom for lunch, but you were way too involved with the visit.

Also, who cares if someone has a different way of dealing with a very minor injury than you?  vaseline wouldn't kill her.  I would have just stayed out of it.

I explain how under the law it is illegal for people, even those who may have medical degrees from foreign countries, to even diagnose or treat people and claim they are a physician if they are not licensed.  And that the reason for this is to be a physician in the a foreign country is no guarantee they meet the standards required to practice medicine in the U.S.

If you were dating my niece, I would say you came off as a know it all or bit of a jerk "correcting" me - thinking i intend to practice as a doctor in the US.  Every mother in the world puts bandaids on their kids and aren't doctors.  She could worry how you talk to her daughter in private and could be getting a bit protective of her and snappy.  And who cares if she doesn't understand chickens? its a pick your battles thing.   People have different home remedies in different countries and your girlfriend's foot would not have fallen off if Vaseline was on it.  In fact, i had a scar revision and guest what part of the after care was?  Applying vaseline and a bandaid to keep it moist and covered.

So it goes both ways.  Mom has equal worry that she will end up with a guy like her father equally to you being preoccupied with mom being codependent or not. Also keep in mind women in other countries don't have the same ability to just leave a husband or protect their kids like you would imagine. And mom might not have known everything

On 8/24/2021 at 4:49 PM, Atlguy said:

She didn't steal from me, just didn't pay for much and then saved u money while planning to leave me once I told her I wasn't ready to have a child during the recession.  So yeah.  Might as well have stolen.  Left me with all debt and everything.  My Dad mismanaged money his entire life and filed bankruptcy months before he died.  Left us with nothing.  And he also had a Finance degree.  I swore I'd never end up that way and I won't!

 

Boltnrun, my attorney told me 4-6 months for work permit.  That needs to be the truth.  My wife wouldn't even consider working under the table for fear of being deported.  As if this administration would deport anyone! No way that happens, but I'm not arguing with her on it.

If you had a child then, the child would have grown up NOT in a recession .  It seems you have every excuse in the book on why you won't act, and then when you do, you panic and walk it back and blame other people.  I suspect that "all of the debt" was not her doing.  I highly suggest personal counseling. You also have to stop the narrative of being "wronged" by your ex.  You didn't want kids, she did. She left. 

My ex told me that men yell, women cry, marriages don't work and women are not trustworthy after we were married.  So guess what?  He made it come true.  He yelled at me a lot, and at some point I cracked and started crying when he did.  I *was* trustworthy while his mom cheated -- and he always tried to suggest that we have a threesome (nope) or try to convince me to sleep with a woman (that will happen on the 12th of never), as an ex of his "did that to him."  And our marriage didn't work.  I am with the love of my life now and things could not be better.

Marriages with limited time together before marriage HAVE worked among some people in my life, but under these circumstances. Couple A)  He brought over a woman from his home country -- he was born here, is entire family was from a country in Europe -- the woman's parents and grandparents were friends with his family in the "old country" so knew the character of the family and young woman.  She shared a religion, culture, views on family, marriage, life goals, etc, with the groom to be.  If it was not a love match once they met, they would not have gotten married. (she was also educated so could contribute financially as the potential kids were a little older)  The guy has been my dad's fried since high school.  They are still married and in love. 

I think in your case -- you did it, so the solution  on the table is to get to know your wife. You have nothing to lose by doing so. 

Going forward, you need to be way more intentional with your actions in life. 

Dude, you were not "on break" - you both had plans.  I would stop "hanging out" with her and start dating her.  Think of what you want to do as an activity and put some effort in. Doesn't have to be expensive.  But you should be beyond "hanging out" - that's high school dating.  =

Honestly i don't think she was ignoring you - i think she was busy with her family - as she should be.

First off, EVERYBODY is stressed of the pandemic stuff and lock downs.  Everyone's patience, tempers or whatever are wearing thin. They may be a bit depressed. What are you expecting from them - maybe you need to manage your expectations -- and communicate them "When things change around her, i would like to have a celebratory dinner somewhere".  They can't throw a party for you - so what exactly were they supposed to do?

I do think sometimes it takes two to tango. You say your parents "forced" you to finish your degree in your home country. It doesn't sound like you really had a choice. My cousin's school made them all leave the dorms at the end of the term and they couldn't lock down there.  Another cousin had graduated a few years ago and had an apartment near his alma mater. He chose to move to his home town and live with his parents, because when you are in a small urban apartment in a high rise, with no ability to really leave your tiny apartment, it really is depressing.   While there were growing pains, he was able to help his parents  out - his dad is not in the best of health - and take hikes and have company and the comforts of home.

So flip the script - your parents were not "forcing" you - the country you were in probably would not have let you just stay there

just say you enjoyed working with her and here is your email and number or book blog address if she ever wants to swap good book recommendations.  And the ball is then in her court whether its just about books or she is interested. Or has no interest.=

nothing is worse when someone asks if you have a boyfriend and you say no, but then the person acts all weird and tries to put themselves in the running when you have no interest

5 hours ago, LaHermes said:

Being alone is certainly better than being in bad or unsuitable company.

I don't know in what church you married, but getting an annulment is complicated and I know for a fact that Catholic church annulments are costly, very.

 

Can I honestly say, OP, that I just don't understand you or why you married this person.  Surely there are women where you are.  Why go through this purgatory?

 

Some states offer a legal annulment for short marriage like that that turned out to be a scam or false pretenses. He should check with his local courthouse about that if that is where they married.

They are not costly re Catholic church. They are free of charge in most dioceses.  But I doubt they would have made it through the pre-marriage counseling to get married in the church had they barely spent time with eachother. Any issue that was not settled would have been brought to light.

If someone was underaged/coerced or the person scammed the other person and it wasn't a sincere marriage on the part of one of the spouses, and a brief marriage, it is a lot easier to get and more of a slamdunk vs trying to get one after being married 20 years which is a drawn out situation and one may or may not be granted. you are required to get a legal divorce first in any case.

But if neither of them is Catholic, it doesn't matter - no need to get one in that case. 

At any rate -- figure out what you are willing to do -- are you going to divorce her - and have the money aside to send her back.  What are the restrictions for her to travel right now? Or do you wait until she can work and keep her here - live separately and divorce her in a couple years?

I would not start monitoring her messages because it just leads to resentment.  Because she is the one who offered, she will just create a secret account of something - email, some sort of chat or messaging to talk to this guy or even give him the info to contact her at work, so she can make a bigger fool of you. 

I would do what i said before and get some of your own friends and interests or at least interests.  If you do something different and experience some growth, that is what is going to freak her out the most.

She is going to move beyond the point of groveling again once she is confident that you won't leave. So there has to be a different solution than monitoring her messages.

1 hour ago, Batya33 said:

If she heard from her friend last minute she should have told her "let me check with my partner and I'll let you know" and then  tell her partner about the last minute situation and ask if its ok."  Flexibility goes both ways.

Agree. Stopping by is fine, but expecting a dinner party with all the stops pulled out or for the other person to play host is different.

3 hours ago, gamon said:

Well maybe she didn't know in advance.

You need to be more flexible and tolerant or you might very well find yourself alone.

 

I completely disagree with you. (she did know in advance because she invited them) I am an introverted person and if my guy had friends over when i arrived home and expected me to entertain them - tell charming stories, maybe cook or whatever, that would be a heck no.    If he told me he had a friend stop by, but i was free to tackle what i needed to do after work as long as i popped in and said hello, that's different.   He knows not to blindside me like that, and he is the opposite, he needs time BEFORE work to not have any demands on his schedule to get what he needs to get done done and have that mental prep time.  I don't have friends or family stop by at that time. 

Instead, we decide what day we are going to invite friends over for dinner at a time that works for both so we can both have our schedules clear and can enjoy our guests

You are a couple, not roommates. Its fair for you to be warned/have a part in deciding when you will entertain. What if you told her that you really need some downtime after work, and what about "let' sinvite friends over friday night" or something.  The fact that she expects you to be ready to entertain an have your party face on for people on zero notice is rude.  You are not saying she can't have a friend stop by. BIG difference from being a host.

Pack your bags.

If he was going to leave you because the relationship was stagnant, then he can't complain about you leaving.  If there is no commitment at this point, there will never be

Also, don't be surprise if this opens you up to meeting someone who is excited about you.

If she cuts this guy off and let's say she loses these other online friends, its easy to make more friends who are gamers.  its really odd to me that she is so protective of him.

I would stop asking her to choose while tiptoeing around her life a timid mouse.  (i am introverted to and know we live a lot of life in our heads and it could be that you are quiet around the house with her and are following your same routine).  I would start taking an interest in myself. If you have gained the pandemic 15 'bs and wear sweatpants around the house - start walking, start learning to dress so you look nicely pulled together. Volunteer in your area - if you have a profession like IT, you can fix the computer at the local outreach center that lets low income people use the internet for job hunting or for the after school club.  Just something else besides work. Try to also make friends -- there must be a networking group for your profession or ex-pats from your original country that have an online group or something.

She won't know what hit her when you start being less predictable.

and then tell her to choose.  You will not tolerate a marriage where you wife is having an affair. its time to choose whether to cut this guy off. if her friends abandon her, then they were not true friends and stay married  or to leave and go live with her mother. 

Its a good sign that she has a social life aside from you.  What are you afraid of because she is going to be away for a week? This will implode if you are too needy - i am glad you are recognizing it.

4 minutes ago, LaHermes said:

Good heavens!  What is the world coming to lol. I can tell you none of the under 30s I know are into knitting, crochet etc. But I know of quite a few women in their 60s who are. 

With great difficulty my mother taught me to be able to sew on a button!  She did beautiful embroidery, but long after she married. 

There is a book called ***in Stitches, there are a lot of needlepoint patterns you can buy with pithy or off color phrases.  There are online communities for it, too. its a thing and it has boomed during covid.  Maybe not with women you know, but its definitely a thing.  I read a statistic that there are an equal number of knitters and crocheters under 34 as there are over 65.