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bostoneric

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  1. bostoneric
    well during the "Break up" talk when I told her I was going to leave because staying wouldnt be good for me and I had to respect her choice, she promised me my stuff could stay in our house till I get landed on my feet. then she would pay to ship all my stuff to me, its the least she could do since I dropped my life to move x-country with her back to her home town to start a family. I was just cleaning up some old emails and I went back to middle of nov and even with what I know now I still cant see when it happened. there was an email from late/middle of Nov where she just emailed me one day from work out of the blue during a crappy rainy/cold/foggy day to say "I love you" I replied back its amazing how 3 simple words can make my day. it had to happen the night she went out with this lesbian girl, it happened quick and fast, I feel she got caught in the excitement of something new she's never done before, and even still now shes caught in it and in denial about our relationship. making excuses for herself to make our relationship seem horrible. its a shame she is doing this to herself because shes just going to end up getting her and it will come back to bit her in the a$$
  2. bostoneric
    I think I may be on day 4 also if you dont count an email to her asking her to send me my suit/jacket/shoes etc.. (work clothes) so I can get started on finding a new job now... :splat:
  3. bostoneric
    you are right, i have 3 years of pictures, cards, letters, gifts any memories that go against everything she is saying right now to hide her feelings.
  4. bostoneric
    spazmy you make some amazing points in what you've said! thanks for being able to see through my fog!
  5. bostoneric
    so i couldnt stop myself this morning.... my computer still logs into her email and I could see she had a draft going to a friend she rarely see because her "friend" lives in another country. i am holding up quite well. i realize now how draining that relationship was. it was like i had a child, not a boyfriend. i had to do absolutely everything for him. and he really didn't do very much for me. and emotionally it was not a deep connection. so really, when he moved out, i just felt a sense of relief to know that now i only have to worry about taking care of me and my cat. i kind of feel free. i have this horrible pattern of settling for men that i don't really like. i get so lonely that i end up with the first nice guy i meet. even if i am not attracted to him. i think there are only 2 guys (XXXX & XXXX) that i actually truly liked/loved. anyway, here is where everything gets pretty weird. what i am about to tell you is going to seem a bit shocking, but i will try to explain as best i know how. shortly before Eric and I broke up, i met someone at work who i had a crush on from the day i met them. i never thought it would be anything more than a crush, but without realizing it, i found myself drawn to this person and wanting to get to know them. i told Eric about this person, because as we both know i can't lie to save my life! I went out with this person a few times, maybe once a week for a drink and to talk. i found myself wanting to spend more and more time together. our dates started lasting 6 and 7 hours. and at the end of the night it was torture to say goddbye. i felt like i hadn't felt since my first love. i felt completely consumed by this new person. i finally had to tell Eric that i didn't think it was going to work out for us. this was one of the saddest things i ever had to do. i broke his heart. but i do think he wasn't really looking at our problems, he was very much in denial. he didn't realized how much i had connected with this new person. this was when i realized that i was not in love with Eric, and maybe i never was. i love being in relationships and i think again i just didnt want to be alone. i am going to work on that!!! anyway, i didn't reall cheat on Eric, or maybe i did. I kissed this person a few times and found that the sexual energy between us was nothing like i had felt in years, if i had felt it at all. so Eric wow that is some serious hurt. shes caught in the new excitement of a new relationship and looking back on the bad parts of our relationship. but still thats a lot of hurt
  6. bostoneric
    so after a long last few days of hearbreak I've come up with a short term plan and it feels nice. 1. start pushing for a new job, 2. get all my stuff out of that house of lies 3. find a place to live with a good loyal friend. and 4 which is really hard for me because I still care so much send her a long hand written letter telling her many many different things. but basically so she sees what she did to me and my emotions. what do I expect from that, no idea other then to get it out. maybe its the slap in the face she needs, since nobody else including her family is willing to do it... will i 100% close the door on her in my life. no, i have never done it to anybody who i've cared about. it will be a long thought out process and i'm sure i'll rewrite it many times. :splat:
  7. bostoneric
    I'm still having issues with this email she sent me over a week ago (tomorrow is 3 weeks since she broke up with me first thing in the AM, saturday will be 3 weeks since i forced myself to leave) her email i promise you, you are going to be more than okay one day. one day it will all make sense. this is a very important time for you and you need to embrace it. you can do anything you want, live anywhere you want. it's all up to you. you should take full advantage of the opportunity. you have great friends and an incredibly supportive family. i hope we can remain very good friends too.
  8. bostoneric
    ok today I am forcing myself to take a step forward in getting my life back. like many of you I was forced to leave my house, my job, and who I thought was my love.... I am writing her an email (even though I know it breakes day 2 of NC) I so want to make the subject... "I need stuff out of that house of lies" but i'm sure I would receive an email back something to the effect, sure its all out front waiting for the trash truck. I need this stuff asap. My suit, dress shoes, dress shirts, ties, etc... (job/interview stuff) any mail since I've left. my blue records binder, (it was in the upstairs closet outside the master bedroom) Mail it to: XXXX I'm not even going to put her name or my name in it. this is the stuff that really pisses me off, that I dropped my life to move x-country to be with her to start our family and now I am forced to drop everything again but this time under sh*tty circumstances with no plans.
  9. bostoneric
    I know partly she had "cold feet" , could I be the one??? when we talked about settling down and making plans for our future together she always got "gun shy" by the word setting. to her it meant she was settling on me, not settling down. yup I was her crutch when we lived on the east coast (my home town) we went through a rocky patch approx 1 year ago, similiar problems. taking each other for granted, we were able to get through it and came out on top with even more love for each other... this time we were in her home town, she was all setup and a girl was interested in her, so i feel it was just easier for her to "try something new" then settling down for the long haul.... :splat:
  10. bostoneric
    Yup now when I look back at the last 2 months I think about the ex going out with this girl (which she told me was just dinner with girls from work) I think they "dated" at least 4 times before she broke up with me. 1 time being right after we had a couples therapy session, we didnt even get a chance to talk about the session.. she lied and hid it from me till I finally got her to admit she cheated, she felt horrible for a short amount of time. then I felt horrible that I kissed her goodnight the night she stayed out till 2am kissing this girl. I know the first night she went out with her it was supposed to be to find out about the drama the lesbian girl was having with another girl. I guess they connected that night and that was the downfall for me. I objected to her meeting her that night but it still happened. I'm still in shock somebody who said they loved me so much and made lift plans with me and asked me to move x-courntry with her dropping my life still was able to just throw away what "we" had so easily. but when i look back at her relationship history this isnt the first time shes done something like this. but I thought she grew out of it, we had the longest relationship she's ever had by far. the temptation the lesbian girl put out there was to much for her I guess. we had talked about "what if I could just have the experience 1 time" I 100% objected to it saying it would ruin our relationship. so she made her choice and now i'm starting my new life with a broken heart.
  11. bostoneric
    day 2 NC for me. yesterday was hell and today hasnt been any easier. she broke up with me on the 6th and I left on the 8th. I make myself sick thinking about her with her new gf. I still cant believe this all happened so fast (for me anyways) I still feel so much pain in my heart!
  12. bostoneric
    yeah I agree, just when you seem to almost be gone they reel you back in. I'm sure she will be back its more a matter of how I handle it is what i'm afraid of...
  13. bostoneric
    I need to focus on getting myself back up on my feet. idol hands = the devil i find myself during idol times thinking about her, but right now i also have a hard time focusing on things I need to. I'm still heartbroken, shocked, hurt, and saddened this this all happened when we were making plans for our future together...
  14. bostoneric
    the unknow is all i have as a constant right now. i left "our" house with 2 boxes of clothes in my car an no plans. i found myself about 16hrs (drive) away crashing with friends in LA. right now my short term goals are to find a new job and new place to call home. and of course to heal my broken heart. I feel she will be back once the excitement/drama/attention of her new first time ever girl/girl relationship wears off and her "friends" become bored with her wanting attention all the time. I found this on this site "people throw away the good things in their life searching for something else, only to wind up with nothing." exactly what will happen to her.
  15. bostoneric
    her coming back after I've already started my new life is something I see happening and something I'm afraid of.
  16. bostoneric
    this true, I am very thankful of my loving family and my true friends who are there for me. everyone of which has offered their house for me to stay at for as long as I need to heal. with this experience I've learned who MY true friends are and who were just her so called "friends". its a shame her "friends" influenced her decision, I can say I would never tell a friend of mine that cheating and giving up on a relationship to "try" something is the right choice.. some friends she has....no wonder every friend she makes is suddenly her "best friend" and she is unable to maintain a true friend for very long.
  17. bostoneric
    i'd rather have nightmares, not sleeping is the worst thing you can do. it takes a toll on everyother part of my life. and when i finally do get a few hrs of sleep usually from about 4am-6:40am!!! I usually pop up at the exact time we use to wake up for work together I'm also not eating very much.. I think i've lost about 10lbs in the last 2-3 weeks. I couldnt agree more. today we were supposed to spend with her family, then head up to the mountain house for the rest of the week together alone sitting in front of the fire and enjoying the jacuzzi outside in the snow. then a 10day cruise together middle of jan. instead i'm here with my parents (who I love so much) and she is probably out enjoying her new relationship, replacing any and all feelings for me with this new girl
  18. bostoneric
    I am afraid of tonight, i feel anxiety when I think about trying to fall asleep.
  19. bostoneric
    I knew today would be hard but that is an understantement. not only am I exremely sad/heartbroken today but also very lonely. while its nice to be with my parents the "plan" was to be with her family for xmas and then here in 2 weeks for a 10day cruise... i just keep thinking this is all a bad dream. how could somebody who loves you treat you like this??
  20. bostoneric
    I know exactly how you feel, today is xmas and its about family and love. I've had to sneak away a few times today to cry. its so hard today I am really struggling a lot. its going to be a long night for me.
  21. bostoneric
    after the voice mail I got from her last night its so hard to not call/txt her today. but she doesnt deserve that love from me, she did this to me. she lied and cheated and then broke up with me leaving me for this girl she cheated on me with!!! jumping from one relationship to another before it was even over! merry xmas, I deserve better then you!
  22. bostoneric
    true, at least this time is wasnt taken wrong... I was so in fear of it being something that pushes her even more. I just keep thinking that shes caught in the moment and the excitment of this new girl/girl relationship, something shes never done and always was curious about.. and then I look back at her relationship history.. i guess this was a matter of time before she got afraid of long term commitment. will she come back, I think both yes and no.. yes down the road she'll realize that the grass isnt always greener and she gave somebody up who loved her more then anybody else ever has, and she'll realize that just because we had normal relationship issues doesnt mean shes not in love with me. we were just having some bad times.. she'll also realize that she ran from us by distracting herself with this "something new and exciting", she was too easily influenced by a girl who was interested in her and let herself be talked out of us. but I know shes really stubborn so i'm not how that will play. all in all its been a really hard month and a really uncomfortable xmas... I still cant decide if I should go on "our" cruise alone mid jan or just not go at all? I'm pretty sure i'll dwell pretty hard being on it knowing it was all about "us", I was planning some pretty serious moves during that week. :splat:
  23. bostoneric
    well just got a call from her, which i did not answer. she received my gift even though i tried to get it intercepted because she didnt deserve it. her msg. "thanks so much for the gift, which you really shouldnt have done, i feel bad that i didnt get you anything, Ireally love it, its amazing. i hope you are having a wonderful time with your family merry xmas" i dont know what to think... its nice but she still didnt deserve it.
  24. bostoneric
    nope she did not reply back. yup a simple card and a gift that I know regret, I bought it long before this all went down and thought "what the hell" and sent it, now i know he'll just take it all wrong and get pissed about it. I talked to her brother-in-law last night, i guess the card went all wrong!!! I dont understand why its ok for her to call and "check on me" but I cant send a simple card... I understand now that her "checking on me" is a way for her to feel less guilty and I know shes mad that shes getting a card now, she always always loved my cards and knows I care for her, but a card now in her eyes is "too little to late" type of thing. today I thought how odd it is that I was the one dumped when she was the one who cheated and lied and strung me along for her own gain. I should have dumped her and taken control of the situation, but my heart got in the way... I still feel shes caught in the moment/drama/attention of her choice, she's always has been that type of person.. I need to distance myself from her and remain strong with NC!!!
  25. bostoneric
    ](*,) when a simple xmas card goes so wrong!! now I have to somehow call her parents house and ask that she doesnt get my gift... who am i kidding anymore, after what shes done to me she doesnt deserve anything from me... NC is for me to heal. she put me out of her life why do I care if shes in mine anymore? ](*,)](*,)
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