thekid55

She's 22. And yeah, I don't think she has had many boyfriends (I know of one and he was a whacko)

I just think she has a lot of walls up. Some of those walls come down when drinking becomes involved, but it's like she'll immediately put them back up. For example, we had sex and it was pretty good. As soon as it was over, I got up and went to the bathroom. She was upset because I wouldn't come lay with her right away. I got back maybe a minute later and she wanted to cuddle with me and we did for the next 30 mins or so, giivng me light kisses and stuff. It was great. It felt so good. Then, I joke around with her about something and she gets so standoffish. Gives me the roll over in the bed and starts acting with an attitude. Then I just turn away and she comes back. It's crazy push/pull and I think she's just afraid of getting close to me and maybe that's not a bad thing. I can't have anything serious/a relationship right now.

New girl invited me over last night to her house for a party. All of our friends were there and it was snowing like crazy in NY. New girl and I hung out for a bit with friends, she was just telling me about her life, etc. When everyone was leaving, we went upstairs. She had a lot to drink (I didn't). We started to hookup and she felt bad because she was drunk and I wasn't so we went back downstairs and drank more. We go back upstairs and hook up again. We hooked up again and it was alright. She got very...cuddly? afterwards. We fell asleep, had breakfast in the morning, and now I'm back home posting here. She was a little, stanoffish this morning. I can tell her guard is way, way up with me. Even though we've been intimate, she's still sketpical about me. I even said that to her last night and she kept saying about how she's never met a good guy (here we go again). She kept saying that I have a plan and I told her that I don't even know what I'm going to eat for breakfast tomorrow. Then she tells me that she thought I hated her since I didn't talk to her for four days after our argument last week. I can tell she hasn't had a ton of boyfriends and she gotten screwed over in the past by guys. Even this morning, I texted her when I got home and here's the interaction: Me: Hey. I got home. My entire apt. complex is legit snowed in. Her: Hahaha Me: Did everyone get their cars dug out? Her: Uh Yeah Me: Alright...Well thanks for inviting me to the party last night, I had fun This is the crap I'm talking about...It's annoying as hell. Her guard is way, way up and even though we've only been at this for like a week and a half, I haven't been able to even crack her a little bit. Side Note: Girl with boyfriend texted me late last night, wanting me to come over again. She texts me all the time too and I respond politely most of the time.

Yeah, last week was a big time 'up week'. In fact, the last few weeks were all 'up weeks'. This week, so far, is a down week. A lot of drama, a lot of BS. It's a little bit of a setback. You're right. But I just gotta keep moving on. Why was I blocked? I have no idea. I find it odd to begin with. She would never tell me the truth why and I'd never ask her.

Great points bolded. I'd have to give up A LOT if she came back. I'd give up on all of the girls that I'm currently dating (I'd be expecting a few slaps accross the face, but it comes with the territory). All of my friends would be unhappy and my family already hates her. Would I be able to let all of this go? I feel like I've posted that to another ENAer at some point. And to be honest, I have no idea. By nature, I'm very forgiving, but this is an extremely complicated animal. I feel like I'm missing some part of our conversation in my posting. I forgot about the part that she said that she needed to figure out who she was alone, that she's not the same person anymore(Neither am I, obviously), and we just weren't a good match-up at this point in our lives. Looking back on it, I told her that I agreed with that. I actually brought most of that up. I made the point that the type of relationship we had would have been great down the line. When I was working last semester, I'd come home around 6 pm, she would have dinner ready to go for me, asking me about my day, etc. I'd normally rub her back and we'd watch television for awhile before I left to go do home work. Sounds great, right? Just not at 22. Give me that life in a few years and I'll show you a happy man. I don't even know where I'll be working yet, either.

'You never want what you got, but always want what you can't have' I wondering too if this was her way of saying goodbye. She allieviated her own guilt at my expense and blocked me out online. No clue if she blocked my number out or whatever. I doubt it since I don't think she's that smart, but still.

I feel like a dog chasing a car here. If I ever caught the car (her), I'd have no clue what to do with it. The chase keeps me interested though, but my legs are getting tired...

I'm just frustrated because I had been so strong for so long. When I started this journal nine weeks ago, I was feeling so much better about myself. I was moving on, literally forgetting about her, and enjoying my life again. I used my entire winter break to do things that I like to do. I did new things and had new experiences. Everyone has read the last ten pages or so when my confidence was literally oozing out of the journal. I had this girl, that girl, a new girl, a cougar, etc. It didn't really matter because I had someone new all the time. I've literally changed so much about my life and was on the path to getting 100% over her. I can say that I was about 90% over her until she came by last night. I really, really like this new girl a lot. She's really good for me (no baggage, pressure, drama, etc), but it's not fair to anyone until I get the ex out of my system. Damn her for coming by last night. Damn me for not shutting the door on her face or ignoring her call. Damn me for opening my damn mouth and setting myself back. Three out of the last five days have been full of drama. I've had two 'blasts from the past'; one ex seduced me, the other well, screwed with my mind.

So what the heck should I do now?

I guess I'm starting to wonder if this was her way of saying goodbye to me. She came over, repeated the same thing to me over and over about wanting to 'apologize' to me and clear the air. I was blocked on Facebook today, even though she haven't been friends on there for months. I'm just confused by this whole thing and wish she never would have come over. Basically, I let her drag me through the mud.

I don't think most people want their exes showing up. It just creates more confusion.

Honestly, who knows what the hell that was all about? I don't know if she wanted to come over and pull my strings or what. This has set me back a little because it caught me off guard. As trivial as it is, the Facebook thing makes no sense.

The people who told me about this stuff have been friends for a long time and have never steered me wrong. It came from three sources who have always had my best interests in mind. I trust them more than her at this point. Oh yeah, her and I weren't even friends on Facebook (I removed her 3 months ago) and she blocked me today. Odd, right? Probably just some game to get a reaction out of me or something.

Well, here's something new to post: Last night, I was sitting on my couch around 10pm, watching TV. I get a call from an unknown number. I answer. It's my ex-girlfriend. She says to me: Her: Hey Me: What's up? Her: Can you come let me in? It's freezing outside. Me: Where are you? Her: Outside of your apartment door By this point, I was like, Oh hell no. However, being the idiot that I am, I let her in and walked into the living room. She started crying, saying how sorry she was for 'hurting me'. I basically said to her that I was fine now and it took me a very long time to pull myself out of the gutter and get back on my own two feet. She tells me that it was equally as hard for her and she kept pushing me away because she knew that she couldn't face me. She told me that I had no idea what it was like for her. She said that it took her a long time to finally realize what she lost in me... So immediately, I'm skeptical. I say to her that I heard X,Y, and Z about this ex-boyfriend. She asks me to tell her what I heard. I told her. She denies everything. Asking me who told me this, that I was choosing believe them over her. And I told her straight up that I don't even know her anymore, I'm sketpical, and that I don't trust her. She starts to cry again, saying that she was finally able to talk to me face to face and that I should respect that. Her and I basically go back and forth for the next hour or so. She brought up the fact that when we first started dating, she wasn't 100% over her ex of 2 months (granted we started to date 6 months after they broke up). She said that she felt like being with someone else would help her. And I got really mad, saying that I felt like she used me, I felt like a two-year crutch. She said that wasn't the case at all, that she fell in love with me after a short while. We both agreed that we needed to be alone because we became so consumed with each other. She started crying some more, saying that she knows that no one will ever treat her better than I did. I tell her that I gave her the best of me, but I completely changed my lifestyle. At this point, my shield that I put up when she came through the door was slowly starting to fade. I kept saying to her, So that's it? That's the only reason why you came over? And she said, I just felt like I was ready to come talk to you and apologize for hurting you, etc. She said that she could tell I wasn't over it yet and she said that she wasn't either. She said our relationship was good for people who were a bit older, but not for college kids, which I agreed with her on. She left crying at one point, saying that she just couldn't take it. I ended up texting her this morning and here was the interaction: Me: Honestly, I have no idea why you came or what to believe but after all of that last night, I just can't leave it like that. Her: I told you I wanted you to know that I didn't throw it all away and that I appreciate everything. I'm sorry I bothered you. Me: Stop with the sorrys and crap...People just don't show up like that..You just don't want to admit that you miss me..So just stop with the cover and say how you really feel Her: It took me 4 months to talk to you..I cut you off when we broke up completely and we needed that..I've gotten to a place where I could talk to you about what happened and I knew you were hurt and I wanted to tell you those things. Me: Look you're not over it..you told me that last night and I can just tell..I honestly don't even know you anymore..I'm out all of the time now..If you see me out, come say hi and we'll see what happens Her: Again, I thought you should know how I feel about everything. Me: Stop avoiding the obvious Her: I'm not avoiding anything Me: So that's a no. Her: Again I thought you should know...Sorry If I confused you or bothered you What the hell is going on?

Just to add as well. I don't think she's a big texter/phone user/Facebooker. I've been around her (three months total; one week of hooking up or whatever) and she's never texting or calling or anything at parties. All of her other friends at parties are texting and doing that whole deal. That may be a good thing though too because I'm not a crazy texter either... Being confident, non-clingy, funny, etc attracted her in the first place.

I don't know. I think I'm getting a little...frustrated? I took TOF's advice and reached out to her today. I told her about this funny story that happened this morning and she responded with only a few words. She apologized to me, saying that she was driving, can't text and drive, had a long day at home, and was heading back to school. I told her to just focus on driving, it wasn't a big deal, and to text me later. Well, she texted me later saying 'How am I so tired?!' and I just responded back with something funny, saying 'Long day XXX, hanging out with Linda and the fam alll day'. (We have an inside joke about her mom's real name). I didn't get a text back. I guess I'm just getting frustrated because I actually like this girl and see potential in her. We've been intimate already, discussed taking things slowly, and I want to see her more often. Granted, I saw her four times in the last week, but I guess I just want more. I also need to realize that she is not my girlfriend, pushing her isn't going to work in my favor. My ex was a lot different from her. Her and I would see each other almost every day, constantly text, etc. Every other girl who I've met, post-breakup, has basically fallen into my lap with little to no effort. Granted, this one is a little different. She's making me a little frustrated when I want to progress things along, but at the same time, it's only been a week since we've been at this. I don't know if it's a lack of relationship experience or whatever, but I want more. I definitely know that she likes me. The semester has just started and I know that pacing myself here is key. We have a lot of events, parties, Spring Break, etc to go on. Basically in short: 1. She likes me a lot. She sees me a potential future mate. 2. She's not hooking up other people. 3. We've hung out at parties four times in the last week. 4. We have slept together twice. 5. We've been at this for about a week, but the tension has been building for months. 6. We are in our last semester of college. Any advice?

Yeah I want to keep seeing her. I think some of these girls were getting jealous of her and I. The room mates are 100x worse in terms of guys/hooking up, so that's really the only explanation with them getting mad. She's a very, quiet? girl too so louder people can overpower her too. She's extremely nice too, maybe even too nice, so I was shocked when she reacted towards me the way that she did. We didn't talk at all yesterday, which was probably for the best. Let emotions die down a little.

Well, I just hung out last night. No drama. Felt good for once.

I appreciate everyone's concerns with last night. I'm not happy with myself, but what's done is done. No point in dwelling. I'm going to go to the doctor next week, just to be sure about everything. Which leads me to my next story Problem with new girl. She texted me tonight as I was on my way to the party at our friend's house. She said to me; 'So upset with you'. I thought she was joking around because she normally is with me. When I get there, I hang out with the guys for awhile and then I go over to her and ask her what the problem is. She says something to me along the lines of accusing me of telling other people that we hooked up which made her look easy to her friends. (She's not the type to randomly hookup with guys) Now, I told her a few nights back that I wouldn't say anything to anyone. When she was drunk, she told me that she didn't care who knew and that she really likes me. Still, I didn't tell anyone. I told her that she could trust me. She told me that her room mates apparently 'cornered' her after she got off the phone with her Mom tonight. (All of her room mates have been extremely nice to me and we've been friends for the last few months). They said, 'Why is thekid hanging out with you one night and then you are hanging out with Frank (our other friend) the next night?' (Frank was already at her house after the bar closed and needed me to drive him to this girl's house last night, but the girl cancelled on him and he crashed at the her house on the couch). She told me that she started to cry and didn't hook up with Frank and didn't know why everyone was ganging up on her. She said that she didn't want to be seen as a sluut. By this point, I was getting pretty pissed off. I said to her that I promised her a few nights ago that I wouldn't say anything and it was unfair to me to blame me without talking to me first. I told her that I'd just stay away from her and that I'm not getting caught up in the drama. She kept saying that she was sorry to me and I just blew her off. I dealt with enough drama from my ex, as you all already know. I basically ignored her for the rest of the night and she was texting me, telling me to come play drinking games with her and friends. I just went and hung out with my other friends. I left without saying goodbye to her. Basically, my night was done when she told me all of this BS. I just wanted to go home and I sobered up as quickly as possible. An hour later, she texts me again and here is our convo: Her: I'm glad we were able to work things out. Me: Yeah. Her: Sorry Me: I just won't stand being blamed for stuff I didn't do. You automatically accused me of doing it when I told you on Monday night that I wouldn't say anything. Her: You are right. Again I'm sorry. There's no reason I should have blamed you. I was just freaking out for no reason. I'm sorry. I've had a lot of fun with you this week and I'd be really sad to lose that. I wish you would forgive me. Me: Just come to me next time and we'll talk it out. I've had fun with you too. I'm always 100% honest with everyone because I've dealt with way too much BS at college. Her: Ok So now, I'm skeptical about the whole thing. I don't know how to treat her in front of our friends. I'm not the type to be touchy feely in front of friends, but I'm not dealing with the room mates and their accusations. I even feel kind of weird now sleeping over her place now and I've done that twice this week. People get jealous and clearly I'm the best catch among all of the guys that we hang out with. Definitely going to back off big time now. Been two crazy nights in a row for me now.

Welcome to my life right now. My confidence is at an all-time high and I always seem to get humbled whenever I'm on the border of arrogance. The humbling moment is coming soon, I can just sense it. iBroken- I'm glad we can finally relate to something as well. It feels good. Haha

Just seems like all of these girls have been falling into my lap left and right. I've been pretty good friends with the girl from last night for like four years. We both agreed that we are going to pretend that that never happened and never tell anyone. It doesn't make it right, but we are gonna assume it never happened. Her and I have no interest in dating, a relationship, whatever. Hell, I left right after it was over and accidentially knocked over a picture of her and her boyfriend. Wonderful. I guess this is part of the learning process. I looked like a big type hypocrite last night by doing that. Basically goes against everything I stand for with honesty, respect, trust, etc. Lesson learned. Just a side note: One girl from home who has been notorious for hooking up/dating a lot of my friends has been messaging me, telling me how hot I look now, when I'm going to be home again, etc. Physically, I've changed a lot over the last few years. Just coming out of the woodwork now.

Words cannot describe how upset I am with myself right now. Well, I had an awesome first day of baseball practice. The team absolutely loved me and I thrived playing. I'm going to be one of the better players this season and I can't wait for it. After I got done there, I went to the bar. This one girl who I used to hook up with a few years ago (who has a boyfriend back at home) kept texting me the entire night, saying that she wanted me, blah blah blah. I wasn't even drunk, but I was so pissed at this girl. My friend actually left me out to dry because he was supposed to ride back with me to drop her and her friends off. Well, he got caught up in another car situation, so he left. I dropped all of these girls off and she wouldn't get out of my car. So I was alright, well I'm heading back to take a shower, you can do whatever you want. I showered, she left because she was upset that I wouldn't hook up with her. (Because she had a boyfriend). So I end up going over to the girl's house where my buddy is. The girl he hooks up with is room mate's with my new girl. So they were all there. I was going to take another one of our other buddies with me to some girl's house, but she flaked. He decided that he was going to crash at the girls' house. My girl and him were going to watch a movie or TV or something downstairs and I think I got jealous about that. There's nothing between them and I know that she likes me, but still, vintage me getting jealous. Granted, new girl and I are not in a relationship, but we both like each other. The girl with the boyfriend kept texting me and I ended up going over there and having the wildest sex of my life with the girl. I feel like an absolute dirt ball. After I finished, a picture of her and her boyfriend was sitting right next to the bed. Great. What propelled me to do this? Well, I think a few things. 1. The fact that my new girl was watching a movie, even innocently, with my friend. Granted, she's very good friends with him too and has been for a long time. 2. The fact that my ex is/was hooking up with her old fling from years back, so I'm doing the same thing. Revenge I guess in a sick way. 3. The male ego. No explanation needed. 4. I've never done something this before and I'll never do it again. Oh yeah, the crazy girl with the boyfriend kept mentioning how she saw my ex at the bar. I saw her once, but didn't really care too much. She kept saying that my ex was giving her dirty looks (My ex absolutely hates her). Looks like jealousy got the best of me here. Here's to hoping for no STDs.

Let's just start this update with a few quotes from Dec. 22. Blah, blah blah... Well, Suzy is interested. Big-time. I got back to school yesterday afternoon and called one of my buddies. He told me to meet me over at our other friend's house. I go over there and they're having a small party there. Suzy and co. were there. Everyone was drinking having a good time. Suzy was HARDCORE flirting with me. She was grabbing me by the hand, lead me places, kept flirting with me, kept telling me how much she 'hated' me when I would bust on her. She would get mad close to my face to the point where she wanted me to kiss her. I didn't kiss her, yet. The tension between us from all of joking and ball-busting I was doing on her got super intense. All of the girls were leaving and she was upset with me (She was drunk at this time). She started texting me saying that 'You suck. Come over to my house so we can finish fighting'. From then, it was on. Big time on. Now, I was extremely unprepared for this. It was snowing. I had no where to park. I had a lot to drink. I had no condom. (I ended up parking at the local super Market and my friend got me and took me). That right there is a bad situation within itself. She is a very quiet, yet funny girl when she's sober, but she's super happy when she's drunk. She threw your man down on that bed and went to town on me. She kept telling me how much she liked me, how dumb I was for not noticing (haha). At this point, I was really enjoying myself and this whole thing happened for a good three hours or so. I 'came up short' and we didn't have sex due to the drinking and the insane workout I had earlier that afternoon. She kept reassuring me that it was no big deal at all and that I was 'with her so I had nothing to worry about'. Made my dark, evil soul feel a tiny bit of happiness. I think I was just baffled from what was happening too, so I was way, way off my game. We cuddled and kissed for a long, long time. She's a little inexperienced, but I can work with it. She kept telling me that I'm going to think less of her, blah blah blah. And I reassured her that I wouldn't. She's been holding out on me for a good three months now, so I knew that this would happen in time. Just can't push it. We both admited that we like each other a lot, but the whole R word is a little intimidating. So now, we are just going to go with the flow and see what happens. We talked about going out alone sometime soon for coffee or something. I'm sure I'll be seeing a lot of her. Oh yeah, I had an early morning class today and didn't have my car. I arranged for a friend to pick up me. However, he called at the worst time. Her and I were fooling around, again and I was pissed that I had to leave. First day of class, can't miss those. I ended up texting her today, saying that I successfully rescued my car from the snowy/icy parking lot (She joked last night that she was going to walk there and get it for me). She laughed back and I'm sure I'll see her again soon. The attraction between her and I is literally crazy. It's so passionate. Just gotta take it a day at a time. My cougar hunting days may be numbered...Stay tuned.

Ahh, to be 22 again, having cougars chasing you, cannon balling into pools at clubs, and not a care in the world. Those were the days...

Ended up cancelling with grocery store girl. I'm literally dragging after that 'pool party' last night. She wasn't too happy at me, but hey, the sun will come up tomorrow. So tomorrow: -I'm meeting this waitress with my uncle tomorrow. I really don't have a gut feeling about how this will go. -At night, I'm going to meet up with one of my flings. Let's call her softball girl. Back to school on Monday