Hi
It's been just over a month since my ex-girlfriend Becky dumped me and I think I'm going out of my mind. All I do is think about her - 24/7. It's relentless. I literally cannot get her out of my thoughts and it's driving me insane. All I can think about is how it could have been different and what I could have done to change things. I know I will never get her back as I've definitely burnt my bridges there so I just want to move on, but I can't. I really don't know what to do. I can't sleep at night, I've gone off my food and I'm drinking really heavily. I can't live like this. I want to get her out of my head - to just forget her, but I can't.
We only went out for 4 months and to her I don't think it was anything much at all. She didn't love me, but I idolised her. I think it was just a bit of fun to her, but to me it was everything. I've been in 2 long term relationships in the past - both over 2 years, but I never felt love for those girls like I felt for Becky. I'm 31 and she's 26 so there was a bit of an age gap. I'm wanting to settle down with someone now, but I don't think she was ready for it - or if she was then she certainly didn't want to settle down with me.
When she finished with me I cried and went out and got drunk on my own (big mistake, I know). When I got home I sat at my computer and wrote a huge 'f@ck you' email to her in which I called her a user and told her she'd been cruel and that I was angry and upset with her for treating me like that. I bitterly regret sending it now as I came accross as a complete idiot. She replied back politely and explained that she just didn't feel the same way about me as I felt about her. I can totally understand that and I feel such a fool now.
That is not the worst part of it though. About a week later I thought I was starting to get over her and I was thinking about her less and less. I'd been out drinking heavily with my friends in town and I saw her in a pub. I waved at her and smiled, but she blanked me and just walked off with her friends. I was angry and upset and I when I got home I logged onto a phone sex internet chat room and I put her number into it for people to phone her on. God knows what I was thinking about and I can't forgive myself for it. I just wanted to get back at her for dumping me and I feel so stupid now. Why did I do that? Why? I feel like a pervert - like a stalker - like those people you read about in the newspapers who obsess over a woman. She must hate me now as she's probably worked out how her number got on that sex chat room. And since that day I've basically not stopped thinking about her.
Can I just say that I've never done anything like this before. I'm normally very rational and very chilled out. I have lots of friends and I've lived a pretty normal life. Now I feel like a complete freak and I'm starting to hate myself for how I've behaved. I want to put the whole messy business behind me and move on, but I really can't see a way out at the minute. I just obsess over her non stop. I think I need to get some help from someone, but who do I see? Do I need anti-depressants? Do I need to see a psychiatrist? It's getting worse and worse as each day passes and I feel sick. It's effecting my work and home life and I don't know what to do.
About 2 weeks ago I met someone else. This new girl is probably much more suited to me then Becky ever was, but I still can't get over her. I think I've jumped into this new relationship much too quickly and the torrent of emotions I'm feeling right now can't be good for me. Should I tell this new girl (Jess) that I'm not over my last girlfriend and just end it? I probably should as I can't give Jess my full attention right now. She's a lovely girl too and we have so much in common - I just can't stop thinking about Becky that's all.
I'm in a real mess right now and it's all my fault.
Thanks for reading and any advice would be much appreciated.
michael
