redboots

Hi Anthony, Sorry to hear that you're not in a great place right now. I know you said that you don't want to take a break right now, but it sounds like you've got a lot going on, and your fiancee isn't being very supportive. You seem to be shouldering the financial burden in this relationship, and it seems you're killing yourself to do it. What is your girlfriend's financial situation like? Why isn't she contributing more and helping ease your emotional and financial burden? I think a break would do you both well at this point. You haven't been happy in this relationship for quite some time - more time won't heal the cracks that are already there. I am also deeply disturbed by the fact that you found yourself apologizing for your faith (be it Wittness, Wiccan or Catholic). Issues with faith are huge obstacles to any relationship, moreso when one party will not respect the other's views. Respect for one another is fundamental and, honestly, I just don't think either of you respects the other at this point. You and your fiancee both deserve to have a partner whose expectations and beliefs are compatible with their own. You two have grown apart, and it is in your best interest (hers, too) to take some time and space apart. Good luck - keep us posted

Riggz, why so hostile and bitter? What's the real story here? You aren't just saying, "hey, marriage is an archaic institution and I choose not to participate in it. I think it provides unfair economic advantages for women and I don't want to be a part of that." You're pretty much saying that ALL women are gold-digging jezebels who look at marriage as nothing but a means to get their claws into a man for life. These claws seem to be centered on the financial gain you seem to believe all women get out of marriage. What about women who leave their careers behind to care for families? What about the woman who has helped her husband build a life and a career, only to be left for the secretary who's 25 years younger and who, undoubtedly, IS only looking for money? Are all women then to deduce that all men are cheating scumbags who will leave them for younger women once house is paid off and he's making the big bucks? Are all women to assume that most men are callous pigs who care more about the way a woman looks than who she is? Both my generalization and yours are silly and downright insulting to the intelligence of anyone of either gender, and especially those who choose to marry. Not all women are looking for a piggy bank and not all men are looking for a throwaway wife. You'd do well to figure out where your anger is coming from and to try to make peace with it. It's not healthy to be this bitter about ANYTHING, especially an institution that you say you have no interest in. ------- So, tictactoe, let me get this straight: You were the perfect husband, right? And, in spite of your immaculate track record (perfectly loving, perfectly supportive, the perfect listener/lover/companion/partner), your wife still morphed into a money-grubbing adulteress? Wow. Either you're one of the few true martyrs to ever exist, or you've allowed your negative experience cloud the fact that you probably didn't conduct yourself perfectly, either. It seems like you view all relationships thorough the lense of the last one - not healthy, my friend. Let me be clear: Adultery is never excusable. I don't care how inattentive you might have been, or how much or how little of anything you did or did not do, she didn't have the right to cheat. But surely you held some responsibility for the demise of your own marriage. Surely you did SOMETHING to contribute to the fact that your marriage to this woman imploded. There are always two sides to a story, and there is always an opportunity for us to learn how and why we ended up where we did.

Hello Anthony, Postponing your wedding was a very courageous and difficult choice, and what you are feeling is absolutely normal. Don't worry if you experience a lot of ups and downs while you work through the issues you're facing. You will be elated at times and devestated at others. Just trust your instincts and believe that you are acting with only the best of intentions. You're absolutely correct about why you and your girlfriend perceive your relationship differently. She comes from an environment centered on conflict - you do not. She may feel as uncomfortable in your peaceful world as you do in her chaotic world. It must be a huge relief, though, to be able to focus on your relationship instead of the wedding. All the best to you and your girlfriend, Anthony.

Anthony, I really commend you for putting so much thought and consideration into your relationship. Most people spend far more time planning their weddings than thinking about the actual marriage, and it's great that your priorities are in the right place. And though I don't know you, I have to say that I'm relieved to hear that you're considering postponing the wedding for the time being. I briefly mentioned that I've been through a broken engagement. We were in the midst of wedding planning when I finally got the courage to break it off, though, in my heart of hearts, I'd always had reservations about going through with it. I was embarrassed and terrified. I worried that my friends or family would judge me, that people would consider me flighty/immature/evil/fill in the blank. My situation also mirrored yours in that my ex and his family had a very dysfunctional relationship. I come from a very warm and loving family; not perfect by any means, but very happy nonetheless. My ex came from a family headed by a controlling, manipulative (and frankly, crazy) woman. By his own admission, he was always uncomfortable and out of sorts around my family. You worry about whether you'll lose the respect of friends and family, or lose people all together if you make the decision not to get married right now. I agonized over how to break the news to everyone (including people who had purchased plane tickets to attend our wedding), and I imagined all sorts of pain and humiliation while doing it. Guess what? Nearly everyone I spoke with expressed relief that I wasn't going to marry a man that they felt was wrong for me. Anyone who deserves the title of friend, Anthony, will support you and your happiness. I think you'll be happily surprised to find that you've got more people who love you and want to see you happy than who want to attend a fancy party you are having. You can't make everyone happy and you'll make yourself crazy trying to do it. The easiest way to make the most people happy is for you to be happy yourself. I've often used the phrase "pulling the band-aid off quickly" to describe how it felt to end my engagement and cancel my wedding. I'd spent so much time agonizing over how horrible it was going to be that, when I finally sucked it up and just did it...it was actually kind of anticlimactic. Oh, there were tears and brief moments of doubt, all right, but I felt an inner peace I hadn't felt in years when I'd finally done it. I remember sitting in my house, alone, staring at my ring finger. For the first time in months, there was no wedding to worry about, no future mother in law to please...it was liberating and sad and terrifying, all at once. You and your girlfriend may find yourselves married when all is said and done. She may realize that she needs to make changes or face the possibility of losing you, or you both may ultimately end up on separate paths. No one can say for sure, Anthony, and that's scary, too. But, really...what's scarier? An unknown future (remember that "unknown" can be as wonderful as it is scary) or one that, at this point, seems more likely to be unhappy than happy? You're headed in the right direction, Anthony. At worst, you're waiting to make a huge and life-altering decision. There's nothing wrong about that.

One more thing: My boyfriend is Caucasian and I'm hispanic. It's always been made explicitly clear to us that it is rude, rude, rude to speak Spanish in front of non-Spanish speakers. It can't be helped sometimes, I understand. I think it's even more rude, though, to speak Spanish and not make an effort to include non-Spanish speakers in the conversation. It concerns me more that your girlfriend would not make an effort to include you in conversations than it does that her parents speak Spanish. Mine are primarily English speakers, but we're often around family who primarily speaks Spanish. I always make an effort to keep my boyfriend in the loop, to explain what is being said and to translate what he wants to say. I just don't get the impression that your girlfriend respects you much, Anthony. Her family doesn't have to respect you because she doesn't. Sorry for the novel, but I want to leave you with a few things to think about: Do you know people who are happily married? What about their relationship do you admire? How do the dynamics of your relationship compare to those of relationships you know to be happy and stable? What responsibilities do you believe spouses have to each other? Do you believe that you and your girlfriend will be able to fulfill those responsiblities? I know you're torn and must feel lilke a terrible person for having doubts. Please remember that you are doing this because you love this person and precisely because you are a decent and kind person. Be kind to yourself. I firmly believe that we are owed only what we put out in a relationship. I'd say that you have injected kindness, respect, compassion, forgiveness and love into your relationship. Are you getting what you deserve?

Hi Anthony, Your post made me think of something a good friend of mine said once. His girlfriend of two years began to pressure him heavily about marriage. He broke up with her because, as he said, "she didn't want to marry ME. She just wanted to get married. If you really feel like you've got the rest of your life to spend with someone, what are a couple of months or years in the grand scheme of things? No one ever complains that they got married too late, but I know a million people who regret that they rushed into things." The bottom line here is that you feel ambivalent about whether or not marriage is the right step to take right now. This isn't a case of cold feet - your fiancee and her family have given you plenty of reasons to be concerned. You two don't communicate well and her parents are only a symptom of the real problem. At best, your girlfriend seems very immature. Her selifishness and inability to stand up to her parents point to this. My impression is that she really hasn't learned to stand up to her parents at all, in spite of the fact that everyone is making nice for the time being. It's all well and good now, while the in-laws are making a concerted effort to make nice, but what happens if/when her parents revert to their old behavior? I applaud you for making an effort to move on and not focus on the past, Anthony. I am a firm believer in the power of forgiveness, and it's clear that you've made an effort to forgive your girlfriend and her family. It is sometimes difficult to see the line between being forgiving and being a doormat, however. Don't mistake your concerns with this relationship with an inability to forgive people, Anthony. There is a difference and it is important that you see that. The bottom line is this: the only way you will know if your girlfriend's family is sincere and if you two are truly ready to walk down the aisle is to wait. Put the brakes on the wedding planning and focus on your relationship. If your partner respects you and wants to marry you for the right reasons, she will understand your concerns. She may not be thrilled with the idea of postponing the wedding, but again...if she loves and respects you and truly wants to be your wife....she will ultimately see that this is for the greater good. And if she doesn't? You've gotten your answer about whether she wanted to marry you or be married. I'm not telling you not to marry this woman. There isn't a person on earth who can answer that question but youw. What I am hoping, though, is that you'll at least wait a good, long while before you do it. As my friend said, "no one ever complains that they got married too late, but I know a million people who regret that they rushed into it."

Hi Anthony, This is my first post here - I feel compelled to weigh in on your situation. I'm a 30 year old woman. My boyfriend and I have been dating for 4 years, living together for 6 months, and are now seriously discussing engagement and marriage. I was engaged prior to this relationship. My ex-fiance's mother was meddlesome, mean and immature. She depended heavily on my ex for financial and emotional support, and resented me because she felt I was taking her place. It took me a long time to understand that the problem was not his mother - the problem was my ex fiance. He should have put HIS foot down - told his mother that I was the woman he was going to marry and demand the respect he claimed I was owed. Instead, he did nothing. His mother was disrespectful, spiteful and cruel to me. She wore me down and made me miserable. I realized I had to end things when I noticed that wearing my engagement ring made me upset. His mother made ridiculous demands for the wedding WE were paying for, and eventually, I couldn't look at the ring or think about our wedding without crying. Yes, his mother was the direct source of the problem, but he was the ULTIMATE source of it. She only did what he allowed her to. Your fiance ALLOWS her parents to treat you without respect. She will continue to do this and this will NOT change once you are married. Imagine a life of being belittled in front of your own family, spouse and, eventually, your own children. Does that sound like something you want? It seems that you're looking for someone to validate your decision to continue your relationship with this woman and her toxic family rather than tell you to do what needs to be done. You don't seem happy in this situation, you admit that the love you feel for this woman isn't passionate, and you seem defeated when you type about your relationship. Love is not always candy hearts and romance, but it certainly isn't a perpetual state of confusion and resentment. You seem to lay most of the blame for your problems with your fiancee on her parents. I think you fail to see that she is, without question, the SOLE reason for your problems. Her parents know way too much about your relationship and she seems overly dependent on them and their opinions. It doesn't matter how toxic her family is, Anthony - she is the one who allows their toxicity to infect your relationship. Her responsiblity to you, as your fiancee and presumably the woman who would leave her family to begin a family with you, is to put her foot down. For that reason alone, my friend, SHE is not ready to get married. You, on the other hand, seem ready to be married. Perhaps so ready that you'd rather marry a woman you are clearly uncertain about than be alone and face the uncertainty of that. The bottom line is that you don't seem happy here. You're guilt ridden over the possibility of ending an engagement and long-term relationship, which is completely understandable. You do care for this woman and aren't a terrible person, but you owe it to you BOTH to do what is best. Life with this girl isn't going to get any better, Anthony. She doesn't seem willing to admit that there are any problems with her family, so what is going to change? The only thing that will change is that you'll be legally bound to her, and it'll be a heck of a lot more difficult to get out of a bad situation then. Good luck.