fnlyfrei

Yes....here is how to drive him crazy. Completely ignore him.

The funny thing is, in many states if you just live with someone for an extended period of time...or put them on your insurance at work..you are considered common-law anyhow. So avoidance of the legal paper stuff is a non-issue...if someone lives together long enough, and even has children, there is as much legal sorting of things as a regular divorce when you split. I guess the part of living with someone that I did not enjoy was the easy out...if you don't like something, instead of trying to working it out someone just packs up. ( not including issues of family violence or infidelity of course) I am going to marry again very soon, and I look at it as a challenge...and the reward is he and I being happy and content....I think some people think of marriage as a cage, or a trap. It's all in the attitude that you approach it with I think...and your expectations.

Okay , you are 17...you will probably have a sexual history by the time you are nearly 40...like the female in question here...unless of course you choose not to, and just pick one person for the rest of your life. Some do that. It works at times too. Unfortunately, some of us hope we find "the one"...and it wasnt the one. Not even close. It even happens over and over. Some people just LIKE to sleep around...others just have a hard time getting along with anyone....and never learn from their mistakes. I wish when I was your age that they had had some kind of course in high school about healthy relationships. People do take things seriously...though not at the same time sometimes. Have you ever had a broken heart? Then maybe,perhaps you might understand some of the problems posted here. Some things seem really strange and alien until you have lived through them...although no one wants to see anyone go through this painful stuff. Your advantage in this era, is that you can read and learn so much and be much better prepared than I was at your age. You have the world wide web. I had books, movies and television. I hope you read and learn lots of things from this site...there are many wise people here (some not) but you will probably be able to discern that yourself. Good luck !

My god, the need to be politically correct is hideously burdensome. If a girl was asking this question, I'm sure it would be entirely justified. I'm entirely amused that so many people rushed to defend someone they don't know.

 

Nothing like being enlightened by such tolerant free thinkers. Everyone is pushing their own brand of intolerance in one way or another, and the agenda pushing gets old.

Actually, if you had read this thread in-depth you would have found arguments on both sides. The poster wanted advice, we all answer here based on our own experiences and with our own opinians...and he had an agenda in asking in the first place. He did ask.(this IS a forum btw)..we told him he DID have a right..but he also did not feel she would answer honestly. He did ask her...and he still wasn't altogether happy. So yeah, there are male and female opinons and perspectives. Both were represented here. What is your problem with that? I think the whole actual thread was old news two weeks before you posted. You do have a right to your opinian though, however after the fact it is.

Yes. You were a 14 year old KID..(you still are a kid by the way) I have a son your age....think of a the circle of people here around you as a safe place. Let us know what we can "do"...even if it is just to listen. You have shown amazing courage here. I told you that you are exceptional. Drinking this away or trying to bury it will not purge it. I used to HATE it when a psychologist wanted me to talk about it. It hurts too much again. You have come along farther in a shorter distance of time than I ever did.

This was two years ago. His uncle is going to LIVE with them again...look for the other thread he started in Violence and Abuse...I have been arguing those points with him all day.

It is true...just like we tell our kids...who you hang out with reflects on you. Even if you do not act like your friends..they can influence you greatly. When I met my fiance', then one by one, his friends..I realized what an awesome person he was because he had such wonderful friends. People I hope become my friends as well after we marry. If he had chosen scummy, drug using people with no morals...I might have thought he acted the same way. It is important.

So what help do you want? Your mother is probably set in her ways...and you could either disconnect for your own piece of mind...or go to some sort of family counseling. I guess I would be afraid that she would treat my children the same way as she treated me. I had a foster mother who was very abusive...verbally and physically. I had to divorce myself from the family even though I cared about her bio kids like they were my own blood. Which I am sure you are thinking might have been easier, but emotionally, they were my family. She isn't going to change unless she wants to...so if you stick around you are the one who has to be tolerant. I know that won't be easy either. I know I was unable to. But you listed about a hundred negative things and maybe two positive things. All I heard was there are TIMES when she treats your child well..(gosh, what are the other times like?) and that your siblings like her money. Not really her. Sad. No amount of money would be enough for me to let a poison person into my life, or allow them to stay...even if they were related to me. Do you think she is going to change ?

Yeah, lying to me is intolerable. I can tell when someone is lying. My "liedar" goes off. I guess I do not understand why someone would lie over something so stupid. What answer are you looking for here? You obviously choose to be with her even though you know she is dishonest. She isn't a child anymore, it might be a bit too late to teach her the virtue of truth. I would give her an ultimatum. And then stick to it. (But you said you LIKE her alot) Do you expect her to change?

Yes, but is the exact moment she talked to a friend...or even if she didn't even talk to anyone and just overlooked calling you...or had to use the loo...or whatever...so important? Were you afraid she was talking to another man? Wouldn't her phone logs show that? I would go crazy trying moment by moment tabs on someone. Are you happy this way?

From the tone of your post...it seems your mother is more of a negative influence in your life than a positive one. It has always been my rule to distance myself from anyone who makes me feel horrible...even if they would happen to be related to me. She sounds selfish, mean and just plain not nice to be around. Why do you feel the need to keep her in your life?

You're checking her phone logs?

 

Dump her. You don't trust her, and if you don't trust her (especially over little things) there's no future for the relationship except mistrust and anger.

That about sums it up. Once trust is gone...there really isn't any reason to muck about. Move ahead. I can't imagine either of you are very happy with the way things are.

Wow...it sounds like you are keeping track of her very closely...kinda too closely? How much does it matter at what exact moment she calls you, as long as she calls you? It seems from your description of the situation that there might be a control factor on your part. Do you have big reasons to mistrust her so much? (okay I just re-read that she lies to you...but is it about second by second tracking of her like this? Did she cheat on you in the past?)

I feel that depending upon the person...yeah, in a relationship there IS a restriction on your freedom. It might not be right...but it's there. I feel I must check in with my fiance'....guess that is an issue we have to work out. I think when someone is insecure they put said restrictions on others. Which usually works to drive the other person further away. I know last night when I went out with my friend I missed my fiance...until I found out he was disappointed that I stayed out a few hours longer than planned. Then I did not miss him so much, I felt like he was my parent. UGh.

I met someone like that...fun, cool, seemingly happy person. Then one night he punched in his kitchen stove for not operating correctly. It scared me. I got my things and he told me that if I left, never to return. He claimed his blood sugar was low. He must have had low blood sugar alot, even on the night he hit someone so hard in a bar-fight that he broke the guy's eye socket. I also heard stories about him breaking someone's jaw when he was in high school....and he had taken anger management since he was a teenager. Needless to say...I stopped dating him. I don't think he was a bad person, I still like him basically...but I also knew that next time it might not be a stove that he would punch. Find someone else ! What happens when there is something actually worthy of anger? Scary.

Ah yes, I too had a controlling ex...and yeah...at first it's fun to do whatever you want. But soon it catches up with you. There is a difference between control and self-control. I met someone I ADORE...now I am gettin' used to being completely accountable again. I hope, like awdree that we will be married but still able to do what we want. No one enjoys being controlled. It's about respect, self-respect...but heck yeah...have fun ! And as long as you aren't hurting anyone...it's okay to watch your ex eat crow.

Newly engaged, set to be married in like...three months and a few weeks. I just got home from an evening at the pub that I have been going to for like...six years with my girlfriend...(whom I do not see very often now that I am in a relationship) My fiance saw his mate early this week by himself..and...I was invited out by my friend. The problem is, I realize that from now on...I cannot just go out and have fun without being accountable to someone anymore. I need to call, check in...frankly...I do not know if I like it. I don't mean that I want to flirt, see anyone else...yadda yadda...I meant, just go out with my girlfriends and be silly. I feel like I am 15 years old again and I broke curfew. (he and I are not living together yet...but I did promist to call when I was on my way home..) It was later than expected. He did not seem too happy with me. Do I need to even try to explain myself or apologize? I am a bit confused.

Hmm. Maybe he thinks it's magic. (?) I know my son used to say that my soda tasted better than his. Sounds psychological...I wouldn't worry too much, unless there are other weird signs. If he starts wearing her dresses and mimicking her voice however....(like the Bates Hotel kinda thing) (joke there...) I wonder if his mom is aware that he is using HER toothbrush...not very sanitary.

No...it's the GYM.

the difference is..........men are better. when have you read a good story about a great woman that parted seas? never

 

just want to wrile up the women on here. lol

Nah, you don't, but if it weren't for his MOM....

Yes, maybe he should be less specific...like, yeah..I did THAT..but not tell you who with, the time of day or which year. I like the above poster...that is truth. We are not who we were in the past...and ten years from now, we will not be who we are now. That is the coolest part of being human...and alive...we learn, we change, we grow...hopefully reaching for better things. I am engaged too now...and if I thought that I was repeating the bad marriage I had for 19 years...I wouldn't do it. But I know I have chosen someone totally different than who I chose when I was 17....(I hadn't a clue) You have to stop that overthinking stuff. Live in the here and now. You cannot enjoy the moments you are living now if you worry about the past or the future. If you can do that, you will be happy...and at peace.

I find the oppisate is true for me, when things are going badly, or I feel out of control or insecure...I pull away from everyone. Good for you for getting out and doing water aerobics and finding the power within yourself. I go to the gym....( and need to go more) I am really afraid that I am eating my stress...along with food ! I have to consciencsly (sp) work on NOT being obsessed with that. Perhaps you could also find other outlets...art, music...helping other people? Or even talking to us here...pm someone...me even ! Lots of us have been where you are.

For me, it is someone who cannot stop bragging on themselves. Perhaps that shouldn't bother me, but it does.

I think the fear of the unknown really can make things worse. Childbirth classes are the best ! I did not take them before my first baby...and it was horrid. Horrid because fear actually makes the contractions hurt worse...being tense (hence the breathing and visualizations in class) The uterus is a muscle of sorts..and when you are tense...it is as well. That is why people want medication and epidurals...when the medicine takes effect you relax..and in effect it speeds things up for some people. But anything you administer during the birth process affects the baby. My next two babies were born naturally with no medication or medical interventions..and they were much better experiences.

As for the nausea and vomitting...I had neither...luckily. One has enough to deal with without barfing ! Good luck to you, I hope you have the support you need during the birth...and remember...like my mom told me...your body was made to do this ! Some people have unforeseen complications...luckily I did not. Take good care of you ! Even after baby is here ! I am happy for you !!!

Well, firstly, some people want epi's..some don't. First baby, most of us go to the doc or the hospital way early because we don't know what the heck is going on...it depends where you want to labor. I had my second child with a midwife in a home birth setting..not in a hospital..a birth center. It was the best...(for me) First time was a horrible experience in a hospital. Labor is usually defined as when the uterus is working toward the birth. Like I said..it starts out slowly.....like a brewing storm.(ha ha) there is not a difinitive moment..there are just signs. The mucous plug...you will know it when you see it...believe me. It is the lovely "cork" that has been plugging your cervix..and serving as protection to block bactiria...etc from getting into the uterus. It can be a solid mass...(usually clear yellowish), tinged with blood..or you just have lots of weird stringy mucousy discharge suddenly. (sorry folks...not for the squeamish)

Labor starts out slow and builds..so it's not like a person is usually hit with it like a ton of bricks. To me it did not feel like a cramp..more like a squeeze that just got tighter and tighter, rythmically...yes the last bit is intense...but once you have the baby in your arms...you know it was all worth it.