lizziebee

The bf and I met on a dating site for adults...it was recently mentioned in a trailer for a new Diane Keaton movie....for those of you on harmony or another...this site aint that. Anyway, for those of you who know we have been inseperable for 6 months except during the week when I come home about and hour and a half away and we talk or mail every chance we get. I went on the site last night to see if he had reactivated his site and he has. Now this has happened before and he told me he was just showing friends where we met (it is quite a colorful site!) I believed him and he was upset that he had upset me. Things are weird with his job which he prides himself and of course there I am sweeping up the ego to make him(?) feel stronger and to look at things in a different light etc. His ex works for the same very large company and broke up about a year before we met. She recently contacted him on 12/17 and 1/1 and he did not tell me about it. All I know about this woman is that she 'hurt' him badly and he did not trust her...takes one to know one? I just have this strange feeling that he is spending more time with her whether by phone or mail or whatever and of course not telling me. All of the above is causing me trouble in communicating with him as he knows something is wrong. Can anyone see what I am not?

Are you guys still together?

Well if he is the type of guy who needs ego boosting then he will always seek it out. I once read in a book about ego players. They will always need this, one woman will never be enough. They need to feel loved by as many woman as they can. You may be the one he stays with but you may never be enough. Trust me. I loved a guy just like him. No matter how much you love them they need to be getting that love from an email, a text message, an IM...they will be yours for a while then they get that itch and they need to know they are desired...and it won't be enough coming from you.

Thanks Meantime. I have felt these same thoughts and feelings go through my head like a locomotive and I just did not stop the train. Yeah, I do think I am enough for him, but you are right about the ego plays and he does get a lot of ims and emails from women he dated or who had a relationship with. Facing this head on...the only thing I worry about is my part in this, if I did not snoop on the caller ID he would never have the cloud of mistrust over him...So who don't I trust..him or me?

Double trouble.........move ahead quickly!

After my divorce I missed my ex, but when I thought about what I missed it was the familiar things...like the same jokes that made us laugh, or certain 'secret' things that only the two of us could talk about or laugh about. After I realized that I was lonely and trying to make myself think of only the good, I realized I needed to work on myself and remind myself why I divorced him. As someone above said, its the first xmas with someone new. Go easy on yourself.

Just wondering what people's experiences were...

Whenever the feeling comes to me. I have said it first plenty of times and found that the man was hesitant, although I never asked why. but life is too short to hold back feelings of love...especially in this day and age.

My friend once told me that if a guy had big feet' date=' he would have big accessory too. She said she tested the theory and (according to her, she said) it was true. May be that is a hint when you meet someone new?[/quote']

 

Big gloves and big shoes!

I agree totally with Vega...Being there when the chips are down for him or he is in the gray area of not wanting to ask for help. Seriously, I take him in my arms, stroke his head and ask him to tell me everything that is bothering him, whatever it is, we all have enough empathy for others to want to truly help and calm and soothe. He loves this and more than anything loves me for this specific thing. Plus, he loves to cook for me so I am kind of off the hook there....not that I am not a good cook! LOL Do what your heart tells you.

I trust myself first, then my Dad

I think he is the type of guy that needs ego boosting. He has been told that he is bad in bed and that is so far from the truth I cannot even tell you! I think he just doesnt want to jeopardize our relationship..am I being naiive?

He does not know that I know because I feel bad that I was snooping in the first place...

He does not know that I know. I feel badly because of the snoop issue.

Been dating for 6 months. Serious, love, swapped keys met the families etc. We are 44 and 49 years old. He has had extensive dating life since his divorce in 1999 and I have been divorced almost 2 years and did not date until about May 2006, we met online 7/06. I am only threatened by his after divorce rebound 3-1/2 year relationship. I have heard all the tales of how turbulent it was etc. Well, she called him on 12/17 and 1/2/07. He lied to me about who it was on both accounts. He allows me full reign in his house and yes, I am no saint, I have snooped and upset myself but thats what I get for looking into his closet (the one with the skeletons). Anyway, I would like an opinion here. Men and women of all ages...everything. He gets up in the middle of the night and goes online, goes on trips to the grocery store and says you cna stay here I won't be long, takes that oh so valuable cell phone and is gone for quite a long time...I am technologically challenged so I do not investigate anything other than caller id or emails...Is he hiding contact with her from me so as not to let me feel threatened? Is it possible that since she found out about me that she now wants him back? I am reading this saying, 'ugh, same old story....'but I would like some feedback if you please. Thanks and Happy New Year

This is one of those strange 'life' things...Like no one would believe if you told them, kind of in a way...stay with me. I know exactly how your reaction made him wonder aloud if you 'were ok' funny how most of us wear our emotions on our sleeves....I think you should try to sweep this one of the old cobwebs in your mind. The many of us with trust issues have been used and abused before and when we try to get ahead of whatever game we think our current mate is playing, unfortuatley we usually lose...BIG. I know it stays with you and we never get to an age where we can just blow it off, but do the best you can and love him the way you are and the way he is. If his attitude changes on its own with no help from a suspicious look from you, well then, time to investigate..uh I mean talk about it! Good luck and let us know.

Met my bf of 6 months online. Not a harmony type site though, more of a realistic human site, no tests, just truth about who you are and what you are looking for...I did not have to kiss a lot of toads because I was pretty brutal about what I wanted as I am too old to play games at this stage and just wanted fun. I did not want a guy taking me out for anything so I made them come to my job so I could size them up...and all of them lied about something of their character or appearance or that they were MARRIED..Anyway, your guy will come along and you will know it. Feel it. Let me know and good luck.

I love what Honey said about the troublesome exes falling off the planet. And I am sure that my bf would like my exes to fall off as well. Why does it seem to me that it is ex-women that call our men than the other way around? Hope123 my dear, you must not dwell on this, as much fun as it is...sorry being a little flip this morning! Your bf must see the change in your behaviour....Mine always does when something of this nature occurs. All I can say is try to stay away from the snoop arena as much as you are able, for today. Do not make yourself sick over this. Maybe the ex wanted advice from the bf...I am sure this will play out well for you but you have to let go first....let us know...

As we all know, women, men all have different ways of dealing with things...Especially being sick. When the bf is ill he wants me there to take care of doggies, soup company. But when I am sick I want solitude. Snuggle up with those gross sweaty-fever sheets, the tissue garbage overflowing and soup in my slippers and sweats while I watch some old movie I have seen a thousand times before. Don't bug her too much, just let her know you are there for her and if she needs you she will call...maybe she is not ready to have you see her in a state of disarray...

same thing happened to me, but I did not call back, guess I am not as brave as you but good for you! Does the bf know? My bf's ex called while I was in the shower on NYD morning like 830am! I heard him run for the phone and turn it off, I asked who it was and he mumbled 'one of my students' after I checked the only caller id that he seems not to be aware of, I found that it was the ex gf...bad break up etc. Now all of a sudden and no contact that I know of between them, she calls on NYD that early in the a.m? And he lied? To save my feelings? Or is he seeing her on the sly as we live about 60 miles away from each other...

Hello again. Read your afternoon thoughts. I have been there in that arena of the brain wondering 'does he watch the same movies with her'? 'does he do....with her' All of it...And you know what? Probably not. Men and women in a relationship especially a new one have to find the right rhythm in how they talk, touch, wake up, go to bed, talk on the phone....So while I am telling you all of this, please remember....You were ONE woman who loved him, he loved you, now it is over. I can tell by your posts that you know you can never go back. And why would you want to? Did you not say that he played games with you? Holy cow! His emails were written by a 15 y/o boy looking for attention...I want you/I don't want you..and I want you to know it! Is he bipolar? Sorry about that but I had read someone elses thread last year about this 'disease'...Take care of you. Go paint, take some photos, call some REAL friends, family, hug your dog/cat....Cuz Honey you don't want him, you aint gettin him, and he aint gettin TO you. Take care....OF YOU!

Hello AM I very recently queried this same issue. My bf either turns the lights out when he is about to come or he will stare at my picture (which is 5 years old) on his bureau over my head...then he will come. I found that the answers that Cardinal gave me on many bf topics were honest and helpful. Something to the effect of men need to concentrate harder when trying to cum. Look him up on this thing. Very helpful. Good luck and it aint you/us(!)

The element of surprise is a womans best friend when it comes to this! And Congrats by the way! My ex (sorry) asked me on my b-day which is in March, surpassing all the obvious days, xmas, NYE, and VD, totally by surprise and while we ate my favorite pizza which I had requested as my b-day dinner, he gave me a beautiful card and asked me to marry him as he produced the beautiful ring which fit perfectly because he had rifled through my jewlery box to bring to the jeweler a ring I wore so it would fit perfectly! Great luck to you. And if you propose outside watch the weather channel if you plan to get on one knee!LOL

Hi NA, I truly believe that this man hurt you, I can feel it in your words. Yes it is hard to turn off the bad noise when you are out of contact or when he has a new GF...'Is she prettier' 'smarter' more helpful to his ego? You need to remember the part of your relationship that mad you want to break it off the very first time, was it the first year? the second? We do not need men to validate the good we have inside. Yes, the compliments make you float and FORGET sometimes, but remind yourself, hell, remind him of the hurt he caused you....So my dear....for now, sshhhhhhh. Feel good about you.

N.A. I still believe that this ex of yours has an ego that needs stroking. He knows you will be the one to pick up the pieces if anything should go wrong in THIS new relationship, and then what? You get back together, realize you made an awful mistake (again it sounds like) and he either gets to break with you because he has found another woman, or you stand up and do it to him...AGAIN? I am tired just thinking about this. Move on honey, you are certain to find the stable minded man you are seeking.

do not respond to her selfish email. Yes she wants you to say oh baby you have no faults please come back, so you give her all the power and you got no girl?! Screw it I say and move on with your life. Go out and enjoy it and there is no reason for you to explain to her her own faults, she already knows what they are. What does she really want? To know you are interested? Concerned? That you want her back? Pul-eeeze. Take care of you.

Why, when our exes are happy or have moved on, why do we feel like we have to validate ourselves by seeing if we might not be able to get him/her back? He is happy. Leave him be. He did not want to hurt you so he is sending mixed messages not realizing just how mixed they are. If you break his relationship up with this new woman, do you think maybe there may be some resentment? And how would you feel if you were in his shoes? Seems you only became fervent about being with him again when you found out about the new woman...Sometimes the holidaze bring up old emotions etc. and make us more vulnerable and we act out of selfishness. Tread Carefully and take care of you in the New Year.