Im Only Sleeping

Sad now, I'm not an expert in love and I accidently gave my heart to a player who just told me today, "Whenever you're lonely one night in the future, just give me a call. If I'm not serious with anyone, I'll more than likely come over." Ugh, I can never speak to him again!!!!! He told me I should at least respect him for saying how he felt. Is he trying to make himself out to be a jerk? Men who say crap like that honestly are the ones with no self-esteem...I'm glad I read your post and it will all be better for you soon!

Thank you MoneyGod for the input. I just wanted to get all my thoughts in writing...I'm hurting really bad right now, but I know it will soon subside. It's just so hard to leave it in the past, when I truly felt something with him. He is not at all healthy right now, and I did end up talking to that co-worker the other day to see what was up. My instinct told me he was covering up for something else. He brought his new girlfriend to a school dance (about a week after we slept together) and has also tried sweet talking one of the cute new co-workers. Again, it sucks, but now I know what I want and deserve. The pain will eventually go away and I'll end up learning a lot. Thanks again.

Hello. I've been "lurking" the site for a while and I finally got the courage to join. Perhaps I hadn't joined earlier because I was afraid of what I might hear. I honestly just want to heal and any insight from you all would be greatly appreciated. Here's the story, I'll try to make it short. I've been smitten with a man for the past two years. We started working together August of 2004. The job was a small school and everyone new everyone (about 50 people). We first started talking during breaks and at first I thought, "He's funny and interesting." Well, time went on and over a few months I started to develop a strong attraction to him. I had a feeling that he was in a relationship (girl's instinct) and I found out in February 2005 that he was taken. Okay, no big deal. He's taken. End of story. We got to know each other a little better and I found out she was Mormon and that they were living together. Hmmmm....I wasn't sure how that was working out since he was not a Mormon. Towards the end of the school year he suggested we take a class together to get credit for our teaching certificates (yes, we are both teachers). I was excited to spend some time with him, but again I knew he had a girlfriend and not to expect anything from it. We took the class on a Friday and Saturday and hung out for about 3 hours after the class on Saturday, his suggestion. We talked about history (both history majors) and if there was a God... It was crazy the attraction and connection I felt with him. Here's the weird part; he and I both lived in the same apartment complex...He hung out at my place while his girlfriend was at work. Nothing happened between the two of us besides talking and he went home... The school year ended and I knew that I would see him the following August. Well, the following August came and I found out his girlfriend moved back home to another state. He looked much thinner and again with my girl instinct, I had a feeling that it was about religion and that he couldn't convert to Mormonism. Anyhow, a couple months passed and we ended up going to a bar on a weekend night with another co-worker. We went back to my apartment (he moved away from the apartment complex after his breakup to live with his parents; it must have been difficult to come back to the same place he and his girlfriend once lived) and just talked to early morning. This hanging out lasted every other weekend until October 2005 hit. We went out to get some drinks one night and almost ended up hooking up. He told me he knew what he wanted physically, but wasn't ready for a relationship. I couldn't do it and we saw each other the next day at work. It wasn't too awkward... A couple more months passed by and we continued to talk on the phone but did not spend time together. At work each day, our eyes would briefly meet and I felt something. I could tell he did also. Well, one night in December 2005 we did hook up and it continued on until June 2006. Throughout the months, I truly enjoyed his company, but I felt I couldn't open myself up completely to him since I thought he was still trying to heal. He kept saying to me, "I'll be ready soon..." He started to call me babe and sweetheart and I began to feel that we were slowly getting towards a relationship. I didn't want to rush him, but I continued to sleep with him. Go figure. Basically, I cared about the guy and wanted to wait. I just didn't know where he was at... Summer hit and I started to look for a new job. He kept encouraging me, saying I couldn't grow at the place I was at. I loved my co-workers and students, but I knew in my heart I had to move on so I could grow professionally. The thing is, even though he kept saying I should go, he didnt' even try to get a new job. He said it was because he had a record (a DUI) and some school districts might not even want to look at his application. Low and behold, I got a new job at the end of June. He didn't return my calls for a week (I just called him twice and texted him twice after I got the job offer). I was hurt. Thoughts started to race through my head and I got very insecure. He finally called saying he had to get a new battery for his cell phone. He got my number from another co-worker. Okay, whatever. We played phone tag for the entire summer and I started my new job in August. It was very hard for me, since I was used to seeing his smile everyday. I really felt a connection with him on many things. I just got so damn insecure thinking the only reason he was with me for the last school year was because he was lonely and I was convenient since we worked together. I did end up seeing him 3 weeks ago. He told me he was thinking more about me lately. I asked if it was because school started and that I was no longer there. He said he wasn't sure. We slept together. I felt terrible after we did sleep together and he ended up leaving, saying he would come back later after he got some work done at school. He texted later saying that he was tired and couldn't come over. I freaked out. He couldn't even call me on the phone! The next day he called to apologize and said he felt disgusted with himself with what he did to me. I couldnt' believe what happened. How could I have been so stupid and let him into my life so easy after not seeing him for the entire summer? I was soooooooo angry at myself. He told me he couldn't be in a relationship right now. He said that we do have something and maybe later we can "plant some seeds" (yes, his exact words) and see what grows. Ahhhhh!!!!! What do I do? I want to move on and let it be. Is he acting aloof since I did move on to another place and left him there, alone to deal with all the stuff at the old job? I was his listening block for all last year. Someone to lean on. Or, was I just someone to fill in a void, someone to sleep with? My feelings are telling me that something is there, but I keep telling myself that he is only going to continue to hurt me if I keep in contact with him. I did tell him I couldn't be his friends with benefits and he said he respected that. Its wrong and I know in my heart I can't handle it. He did call me today (after 3 weeks) to tell me he was upset that I told another co-worker, Marc, we were seeing each other last year. Marc is a great friend of mine, like a big brother to me. It was in the middle of the summer and school was not in session. I was distraught that he hadn't called me after I got the job offer and I just wanted Marc's advice. They hung out this past weekend and Marc told him that he knew we spent time together. The thing is, last year he told me he was very private and didn't want people to know about his personal life. I'm a very trustworthy person, but I was hurting and wanted to talk to a good guy friend of mine about it. I didn't work there anymore and I thought it was okay for me to talk about it with Marc. Ahhhhh! I hadn't talked to the guy in 3 weeks because he's so messed up and isn't ready for a relationship, but he calls me and asks me not to talk about his private life. I see his viewpoint with not wanting another co-worker to know. BUT I do not work there anymore and I know Marc isn't going to gossip with other people. It just makes me feel insecure again and makes me wonder if the only reason he spent time with me was because he was lonely....he just doesn't want anyone to know we ever hooked up. I hope this post makes sense. There is much more to the story; other feelings I haven't described, other words that were said. I'm so sad right now. I've caught myself wondering if I stayed at my old job, would we still be seeing each other? Then I tell myself it's better that I'm at a new place and that the only reason he wanted to be with me was to fill in a void. The thing is, when he called me 3 weeks ago to apologize for sleeping with me, he said he wanted to do something with me. He wants to read a book by CS Lewis together. We've had the same tastes in books. We both read "1984" around the same time when we first started working together, not knowing the other person was reading it. Is reading the book his way to stay connected? Is it his way of keeping me on a string? Is he too damn pissed at me now since I broke his trust and told an old co-worker about us? I feel like I've been rattling on, thank you for reading this post. Again, there is a lot more, but my thoughts are all over the place!!!!!