twincities

Thanks to all who have posted replies to my post. I have read some wise and sage advice, and have discussed some of it with my counselor. Let me clarify a few things for you all. First, my 'other love' for lack of a better word, was a 'love at first sight' when we met, and continued on that vein. We had an immediate connection, back 23 years ago, and spent that first night (the entire night) walking and talking... until dawn. I can tell you every detail of our first meeting (which I can't recall for anyone else) and more. Our relationship, back then, was complicated by many things, including a more distinct age difference (she was 18, I was 22), school (I was in the first year of grad school, she was a freshman undergraduate), and many more things. We were both immature, and less than open with eachother with our thoughts and feelings. However, now, there is a clear maturity to our relationship... but still with the mind, body and spirit connection. I am not a big believer in fate... but if I were, I would say that we were destined to be together, and for many reasons, messed it up the first time... and may now have a second chance. Perhaps not surpisingly, she shares these feelings, with perhaps more intensity and certainty. Second, we are both wrestling with telling our spouses... and I think that in the very near future both of us will. We both realize the hurt and pain involved for everyone... a major difference, is that she does not have the depth of concern over losing the love of her children, as I do. Not that it is not an issue for her, but is less than for me. This is a MAJOR concern for me, and drives much of my consternation. Third, we both realize that time and space are needed for anything to possibly work out between us... this is not a situation of switching committments. If anything can work, it will take time and effort... Fourth... I fully realize that there are elements of escapism, excitement from secrecy, the thrill of a new relationship, and more. I know that I cannot separate these from what else might be there as well... not at this time. The only way to do that, is to see what is there over time and in the full light of day. I also realize that the potential of this working out is small, given statistics. But, finally, I cannot seem to give up on this connection. I feel like I have discovered the reasons behind my first failed marriage (which I never understood before), and the reasons behind the impending failure of my current marriage. I am indeed an emotional and passionate person, and that is a part of me that has lain fallow for decades, or has been plowed into my work. Can I stand the ups and downs of a passionate and emotional relationship? That is a good question, but I have found the lack of them to be emotionally numbing. My big dilemma is this... is the risk of the loss of the love and caring of my children (personal alienation) worth the potential of this new/renewed relationship? Is there a way to preserve some semblance of the family I have built over the past 15 years, even though the marital relationship has broken down. Or, is it possible to ignore this renewed love relationship, and go back to the staid and practical relationship with my wife, in order to preserve the family? This is not about renewing the intensity of that relationship, it has always been staid and practical... I have no illusions about creating some new, emotionally satisfying and passionate relationship here. This will be about putting that sense of love and passion away, for good. I have truly opened pandora's box, and it will not close again. I know that 'true love' is a rare thing... that only 3% of marriages are 'soulmates' (from a study I read on the internet, so it must be true). However, I do believe that there is a possibility for that here... not a certaintly, but a possibility. Could you turn that away? It seems to me that the choice here, is emotional vs. intellectual, passion vs. responsibility, Eros vs. need love. This is an epic choice to be sure, and one that I am unprepared for. I dont know that anyone can really provide any counsel on this... perhaps what I really need is consolation... I will make a decision, and carry forward... that is inevitable. It is the turmoil of that decision, and its consequences for all those involved, that troubles me. Turmoil is now inevitable, and will be a dominant force in my life and the lives of those around me for the foreseeable future. Thanks for listening... TC

Dallas I dont know if this thread is still active, but thought I could add a note from someone in a similar situation. I have become involved with my old love of 20+ years ago... and found that we have lived parallel lives in the meantime. We both married our rebound partners - both to disasterous results... we then both married 'reliable' partners, trying to keep strong emotions at bay, and both have kids. And then we found each other last fall... and started by email, then phone, and graduated to seeing each other a few months ago. I am in the same position, trying to decide what to do. I think the right thing is to tell my wife (I have been on that fence for a month now), and then to move out and create some space. I have no desire to move right from one situation to another, and feel the need to give my wife the opportunity to tell me to go to hell, or that she wants to work it out. My wife is my partner in a relationship that has been stumbling... and my soulmate is a woman that I feel connected to (over 1000 miles away), and inexorably drawn to. So, if you want to commiserate about the situation... I can lend an understanding ear. Also, I would like to hear about where you have gone in this... what has happened now, and what would you give as advice given recent events. I hope your situation is improving.... TC

I am in need of counsel... Let me explain the situation. I am 46 years old, and have been married for 14 years. My wife and I have two children, around 12 years old. For the past 8 years or so, we have had a number of issues, that we have worked through for the most part, but the relationship has been deteriorating. Our relationship has become an exercise in conflict avoidance, and has become quite boring. A couple of years ago, I tried to get her to go to counseling with me, but she refused (she typically denies that there are any problems). I had been growing frustrated with this, and looking for ways to improve the marriage, not being one to quit easily. Last fall, I got an interesting email from an old love. She had found me on the internet, and was interested in saying hello. I was at a particularly low point, and responded quickly. We struck up an email exchange, which seemed to quickly move from purely friendly, to emotional and then to romantic. She is married (for about 11 years) and has two children as well (a little younger than mine). We both have been divorced (both of us married our rebound partners, after we broke up), having both had disasterous first marriages. We both married 'safe and reliable' partners the second time. The email relationship flourished for 4 or 5 months, graduated to phone calls, and ended up with lunch (She lives 1000 miles away, so this was on a connection on a business trip). Seeing her was literally electric. After this, we resolved to see each other again... we did so about a month later, meeting in a distant town for a short weekend. That weekend, our relationship transformed from emotional and spiritual, to add the physical. Since that time, we have both stopped being sexual with our marriage partners, and have seen each other another couple of more times. We are like soulmates. We share interests, emotions, sensations and more. She is the first woman I ever lived with (and the only one I didnt marry), and the first I asked to marry me (she said no). Our relationship ended difficultly, with me moving far away. Now, it seems that we have been living parallel lives for the 20 years since we parted, and seeing each other again seems like destiny, a second chance at love. We are both thinking through the issues of leaving our marriage partners, and both seeing counselors. This has been going on in this mode for almost 3 months now. My dilemma is this... Do I take a second chance at love with a soulmate, or do I try to salvage a 'reliable' marriage for the sake of the kids, or do I try to remove myself from both for a while, to gain perspective? I am on the verge of telling my wife, as I believe that she has the right to know (she knows that I am having difficulty with the marriage, but she does not know about the rest). I dont know if anyone else has experienced anything like this. This is not an 'affair' as most know it. We did not just meet... we lived together for 2 years (on and off), have been living parallel lives for 20 years, and when we got together, the connection was clear and immediate. We read books together, talk on the phone daily, and talk openly about all of these issues. I have explored the issues around typical midlife crisis affairs, and if I thought this was one, I would know how to deal with it. I think that this is something far more rare, and far more serious. Has anyone had any experience like this? If so, I would love to hear about it, and would like to hear your thoughts and experiences. Thanks... TC