Upsetwifeofone

Sorry, but I am going to have my pennie's worth here. Hasn't there been enough deceit in this marriage thus far. Building a second life and attachment to another man. I think it is only right that you give him the respect and decency to tell him what you have done. Just imagine if it gets out from a third party, that would make everything worse than if you tell him now! There is no building of a future until you confront the past, you will live daily in the knowledge that you betrayed the man you love and looking for the "missing qualities" of the marriage that "made you turn elsewhere" is the most mistaken excuse for an affair. It's down to a person's own need to fullfill their desire's. I'm in counselling now as a betrayed spouse, my husband has had the balls to admit he was wrong and there was NOTHING I could have done better in our marriage to prevent it. It wasn't a physical affair thank God, just an emotional one that was discovered by myself, but the infidelity was there. If I had walked blind any further I think my soul would have been totally destroyed to find out at a later point. No-one can tell you what's right and wrong, but you should think about the turmoil it would cause if he finds out regardless.

Doyathink, yes I told her I saw her picture but she had no response to it, guess some people just don't have any dignity. What hurts more than anything, and trying not to get embarrassed here, the stuff they text between each other was the kind of texts my husband and I used together. He used the very words he used to me and asked her some of the "fun" texts I sent to him, which leaves me feeling dirty and kind of abused in a sense. I call her every day but she has her phone set to voicemail, I just need the answer's/confirmation to try and build on. Guess that is obsessive but I don't care, I would run this b!*ch through the legal system at any cost for piece of mind, afterall, she knew he was married and had kids, even knew about this baby according to her, but, I don't have the strength. I start my first session of psychotherapy/counselling on Monday, I can only hope that I find a way to get strong again. I feel emotionally bare though. I just wish my husband could understand that I thrive for honesty, it was the best thing my father gave to me, the wisdom to realise that if you lie, the person you are lying to most is yourself. I so wish he were alive today. I want to feel happy again, let my husband and kids hear me laugh instead of them asking why am I so sad. There would be no way I could threaten to leave as I have nowhere to run, and to run would be a weak way out for me. My family disowned me 7 years ago due to depression so the only support I have is here within these walls.

Thanks Melrich. I'm going to have to do something because I am finding it more and more difficult to get through the day as things stand. When I confronted him with the second two phone bills, he said that he just couldn't remember when it started, but 7months is more, a lot more than a few weeks, and to begin with, she admitted just a few weeks which makes me feel like they collaborated in some way. I'm going to try and find a counsellor today, try and get myself sorted and find some strength before I get to working with my husband, it's not easy to talk and for me to try and say what I want when I'm constantly holding the lump in my throat back because as soon as I open it I start to cry...(typically female thing lol). I do feel a lot of personal guilt with this too, I had a miscarriage with the twin of this baby and didn't tell him as we weren't going to add anymore additions to our family, but looking back, I guess there was enough emotional distance forming for me to hide it. I think this adds to the emotional wreck that I am today, I wanted so much to enjoy this pregnancy with him as it will be our last, but with all that sounds ungracious, I can't wait for her to be born so I can start to feel emotionally and physically well again, well better than I do with all these hormones running about. Thanks again x

Hi guy's, I'm sorry that I jumped on the defensive, this whole thing is driving me to dispair. I appreciate what you have all said and openly agree that he needs to face up to what he has done in order to rebuild the trust etc. He kept saying at the beginning it was just text but she said they met/meet at a pub and with all the lies surrounding it, I just keep imagining that they must have had sex, she sent pictures of her panooni for Christ's sake. I love my husband beyond what anyone could imagine, but I need resolution, I need truth but he gets all defensive and somehow makes me feel bad when I try to get him to talk and that hurts. When I took my vows they were for life, just call me old fashioned, I know divorce isn't easy, and I'm sorry for saying that it was implied as that, I just know we can work through this without it as long as there is some honesty that comes to light. The physical symptoms are getting me more each day, not eating, feeling sick and tired, just being a total emotional wreck. I wake thinking about her and him and fall asleep holding tight to him crying silent tears thinking about it. Of all things why this? Why couldn't he have started on booze or drugs, there's a simpler fix to that instead of the betrayal I feel. I guess anyone in this situation knows that question oh too well. My kids are 16, 15, 13, 12, 10, 7, 5, 3 & 21mths, the older ones are great with the littler ones so they would sit and play with them if I can just get hubby to listen to me. Thanks again, you all have wonderful and honest words of wisdom and I appreciate your replies, and once again, Sorry for being defensive. Cxx

Look I am NO walkover but don't agree to take divorce and wrecking 12 lives as if it were easy. Christ almighty, I can't throw away 14 years marriage, 16 together like an old newspaper, that is too easy. The ages of my kids are nothing to do with this! Yes, they ALL live with us! I thought this was support and advice, not a place to make me feel like I should take an easy option and divorce.

Ok, what I said is probably uncomrehensible to most but yes, whatever the truth I can hear let alone work on. I was brought up with lies and deception, not knowing my true paternity was one that came to rise after my father (step) died when I was 15. I had a relationship after that which was serious in which he was serially cheating with his ex partner and they conceived their first child during that time. BUT I do believe this is the first infidelity my husband has committed and know for sure that before June, NOTHING was going on. Don't get me wrong, to get the truth and work on a new chapter does not by any means mean he will be getting off lightly, I know that a confession will be part one of the punishment process just for him, but that will be my opportunity to lay down the hurt, the pain, the loss of trust and the "rules" that will be our future path together. What is gutting, is everyone who knows us has said that he would be the last person on this earth that would have done it, quite the old cliche really, but since he never goes out, doesn't drink and has no friends to compete with, I can put hand on heart when I say that the past 14 years have been totally 3rd party free. I guess I'm going to have to bite the bullet, tell him how this is affecting me and tell him that he can't just hope for it to be *forgotten* because we need to address the past in order to have some kind of future. Thanks for the advice x

Divorce isn't something I would wish, call me a mug but my husband is my world and all I want is a bit of truth. I know it sounds completely daft, but even if they slept together, as long as he is honest and truthful about it, I can work on things. I found a lovely quote a few weeks ago which I use as my mantra each morning..."No-one can go back to start a new beginning, but we can work on building a new ending" It kinda smacked me in the face as we won't be able to start afresh from this, we can only really work at making sure that the end is ok. I love my husband but just need him to realise that for me to be able to work on some kind of recovery, I need to know what happened, no matter what it is they did together. I do know for sure though, if the boot had been on the other foot he would have walked out on me, guess that says mountains in itself *sigh*

Thanks Ailec, that's what I have said, he just wants to "forget it" and move on. I am trying so hard to figure out where I went wrong and my friend say's I didn't, but all I recall is everything being normal. I recently said something about an event that had happened ages ago, but he claimed not to remember, even though I know he did, this made me upset because all the time I'm thinking he must have been so pre-occupied with her it didn't register. Just like I can't help but think that was it *me* sharing his bed or thoughts of her. Please just tell me it's normal to have so much doubt. Great combination, hormones and insecurities of pregnancy mixed with infidelity.

Hi there. I am writing because on the 9th April, I discovered by chance that my husband had been having some kind of relationship with another woman. He was downstairs and his mobile phone was in the bedroom, I thought it was a work call and discovered a picture message of some other woman's nether regions. I started to shake as I went through the texts and discovered he had sent her a txt the previous day asking how to make her wet. I'm standing with my heart beating a thousand beats a minute, feeling sick and so hurt. We just celebrated our 14th wedding anniversary and I thought we were solid. I'm 30 weeks pregnant now with our 10th child and had hoped that we were together for life. I confronted him with it and he sat stunned saying it was a laugh, a misguided text that was sent to him by accident and he did the laddish thing. Like a fool I believed that at the time, but I tried to get him to call/text her in front of me to say the joke had gone too far and he exploded with anger, a small scuffle over the phone happened and he eventually smashed it to pieces. I kind of left it at that until his mobile bill came in, which, I shamefully stole and there was her number 69 times in that months period, 1 text sent the day after. I called the number and discovered her name and later sent a txt myself asking her why. After a few days, and no reply I sent another txt asking her who the hell she was and did she sleep with my husband, she sent a txt back saying she didn't know him, so when I replied "LIAR", she decided to give me her bull. She said they had only known each other a few weeks, they met in a pub, she started it and was really sorry, but no she claimed she didn't sleep with him. So ok, I fall for this cr@p until she told me the last they txt was the 20th, only once but he promised me. So I set to investigation mode, I check everywhere for previous bills to which all the call records are missing. I obsess at every message that comes in. Then on the 19th May, whilst genuinely clearing up, I find an Aug/Sept bill and a Nov/Dec bill, both with her number. Aug/Sept another 68 txts and Nov/Dec 119, some whilst at home here with me ant the kids. He won't give me any explanation, just gets angry with me. I've resorted to buying information from the internet, one of which lists every woman called Tina in our area, of course, those with phone numbers I have been calling and listening to the *woman's* voice, I'm pretty sure I have found her too. What can I do to move on? I have self harming issues from a teenager and confess that all this has put me in a very unstable place and I have been doing it again. I'm not eating and just wake each morning with this whole thing on my mind. Thank you in advance for anything you may suggest to help me through this, I just can't cope with lies anymore, I need the truth to move on