So I'm new to this place. I came because I'm seeking help. and heres a little back story.
I was in a 2 year relationship about a year ago. The guy was sweet, but the only reason we stayed together for 2 years was because I kept talking myself and him back into everytime any of us had doubts. It was good in the fact that we were together for alot of transitional periods, like finishing highschool, first years of college, and alot of personal things in between. but besides that it was kind of a waste. After He and I finally split, I made a promise to myself that I would not jump into another realtionship. If anything I was sticking to dating until I found someone who was worth all the time, energy, and emotion. I was going to stay out of relationships until I found that someone. and I stuck to this. >enter the one
He and I were wonderful together. He was differnt, he wasn't the normal kind of guy I dated, he was the kind of guy all my male friends are, he was the kind of guy I had always wanted to be with. The start of our relationship was full of 7 hour conversations before bed, and constant talking and texting, and e-mailing throughout the day. Our physical interaction was limited because we lived an hour away from one another. He lives in the city I'm going to grad school in. But when we were together we were amazing.
Eventually we had a conversation that lead to "I love you". and he asked me if I was his girlfriend. I was incredbly apprehensive, because while we had discussed why we were single, I never mentioned that I wasn't going to cultivate a realtionship until I thought the person I was with could be forever. I called him brave, and then told him how I felt, and instead of running which is what i expected, he said he felt the same, he was 25 done with the dating run around, and was ready to settle down, and he had every intention of marrying the next girl he was with, and he wanted it to be me.
Now we fast forward. We've had our problems over the course of the raltionship, mostly dealing with the distance, but when Winter break came all that changed because I was pretty much living with him on the weekends, then when the new semester started I was unable to go back to school for financial reasons, so I lived with him 5 out of 7 days a week pretty much, while I was trying to find a job and cope with some faily related issues. occasionally he'd ask me not to come up for the weekend because he wanted alone time, which was fine, because I was still trying to tie up some loose ends and get things taken care of so I could move and switch schools and stuff.
Now I've been having alot of trouble at home, I'm the baby of the family and up until a few monthes ago I refused to stand up for myself, and my family hasn't been to fond of my new sense of independance. I've also lost alot of friends in the past few motnhes, and my health has been out of wack. I'm bi-polar and have devolped a high anxiety problem, I have a heart condition that has flared up, and I haven't been able to get to the doctor.
I could feel myself going down, but had the comfort and the support of my loving other half who would have done anything to help me, and took care of me, and we spent alot of time talking about getting married next st. patricks day.
Then came last week. I was up at his place, and everything was great, we dicussed wedding dates and talked about getting me an engagement ring. we were going to ry and have dinner with my family who was going to be up in town, but he had prior plans and wasn't sure if he could make it. He kissed me and hugged me goodbye, told me he'd hopefully see me in a few hours, if not I'd see him in a few days, we even had special plans for the next sunday. He couldn't make it to dinner but I wasn't concerned, and then it dawned on my, that the next week would mark my cursed 6 month mark. Every realtionship I have had since Middle school has ended 6 monthes, (the guy for two years? yeah he tried and I actualy told him no we were not breaking up for at least another week, where that extra year and a half came from I'll never know). But I pointed the 6 month thing out to him, and he was excited that we were about to hit it. Life was grand.
He had a headache monday so we didn't talk much, his headache was worse tuesday, so he had a dismal outlook on the rast of the week, and said he wasn't sure if he wanted me up that weekend. I said we'd talk about it in a couple of days and see how he was feeling, he said ok I love you, I'll talk to you later.
Later that night I got a text saying
"I think I need to take some time for a bit to think about us."
I responded with, what happened??
he told me he was just having some issues with himself.
I told him goodnight before I tried to go to bed, and that I would let him know how my doctors appointment went the next day.
I didn't hear back from him that night, but I had other things to worry about, like the doctors appointment, which turned out bad, and The doctor basiclly told me I was looking at intensive physical therapy and I was to discontinue dance, probablly for good, and that I was to stay alive two more weeks which was when he could fit me in for a heart appointment but he wasn't happy by the symptoms and e was concerned, which upset me greatly. I came home from the appointment and cried for a very long time, and I decided I'd tell him later but I wanted to try and sleep for awhile and calm down first.
I awoke to the sound of my phone and these three TEXT messages from him:
"I love you very much and I want you always know that. But my heart is with someone else, and I don't think I can do this relationship anymore."
"I will always love you. and care about you. and maybe we can work this out later on down the road, but as for now I'm going to have to break it off."
"This hurts me alot to do, and I still want to talk to you, and I am sorry."
Basiclly I had a melt down, I was texing him like crazy trying to get information out of him, and guilt tripping him the usual. and I then apologized several hours later, because I shouldn't have acted that way. we didn't speak thurday, but I broke and said hi at 1:30 on friday morning, to which I got no response, and then friday afternoon, i texed him while he was at work asking if we could talk when he got off, that it was really important" and he asked me what I wanted to talk about, he didn't feel good and still had a headache so that night we texted and I told him how I felt about everything and I asked him to please explain what happened, which he said he couldn't text but he would e-mail me the next day,
and this was exactly what he wrote to me:
i been having some troubles thinkin and making logical decisions the last few days i went to somebody about this problem (not my mom) i seek help from them to help clear my head and i told them about everything goin on and they helped me figure out that my heart is not in our relationship and its with someone else and i figured all this on my own they had no influence on my thoughts and i came to the conclusion now would have been better to do it before things got more serious it hurt me to do it but i feel it had to be done and it feels right i still have feelings for you i would like to be friends with you and stuff i just cant continue an intimate relationship with you for now and who knows it may work out again but as of now it wont and im sorry about the pain i brought you i almost put a bullet in my head thinkin about all this thats how bad i felt but im doin a bit better my headaches are getting worse and wont go away im just a * * * *ing mess lately but thats pretty much whats goin on
This was the reason I got for why he up and dumped me, out of no where. and I really can't fathom that this is the end, or if this is what is really going on. It dawned on me wfter reading this, that he his schizoafective, which is half bi-polar and half schizofrenic, and I'm worried that this had something to do with it, and it also made me concerned about some of the things he said, and I'm just at a complete loss, I tried talking to my friends, but they're not much help, because they are just trying to make me feel better as opposed to actually discussing what happened and why.
I know this message is long and drawn out, and complicated, but I really just need imput on anything, on any aspect, Please I'm begging for help.
Punkgirlco
