ItHurtsRightNow

I'm concerned that people might become too inflexible when practicing NC. I say that because a few times I've come accross threads where a person will say that they've been on NC with their ex for n weeks or n months or whatever and now the ex is calling back wanting to start over. To my surprise, I hear alot of advice like "don't do it!", "stay strong!", "wait til he/she begs", etc. I can understand if the goal is to be through with the ex for good. Then the above advice is great. But many people hope the effect of NC to be one where the dumper has the chance to miss the dumpee without the comfort of knowing that they're begging and pleading. I think that if there really is love between the dumper and the dumpee, the dumper has a good chance of coming back. I see it as a diet or someone who's trying to quit smoking. The dumper may have practical, or shallow emotional reasons for wanting out - but does not have the will to follow through in the end. In some cases, I think having the dumpee break NC is not a bad idea provided: 1) You've let a reasonable amount of time pass (2 weeks to a month). If the breakup was nasty, then wait until you're not angry anymore. 2) You call without pressuring the other person into anything. Just say hello and tell them you're thinking about them and wanted to make sure they're ok. If the ex comes out and says he/she doesn't want to see you, then act like you take it with stride. Tell them in a loving way that they should do whatever makes them happy because in the end that's what you want for them. 3) Keep the conversation short and again - NO pressure I'm not saying this always works. It's a risk. The ex may hang up on you. But he/she may feel their resolve break completely once they hear your voice again. NC is a good practice in this situation, but it's not a rulebook. You still need to use your head and heart to act based on what you know about your situation and your ex.

Today she called me back and asked to meet with me because she misses me and can't do without me. We're meeting tonight. I realize that this doesn't mean smooth sailing from here on in by any means. I did get that she's very uncomfortable with the current situation and that's something I'll have to deal with one way or the other if this is to continue. I generally agree with the whole concept of NC under most circumstances - such as when on partner doesn't like the relationship anymore because they take the other for granted or imagine the grass is greener. NC helps the dumper maybe realize how good they had it with the one they dumped. It also is crucial for the dumpee to get on with life. But in this case, I went against the conventional wisdom of NC and as the dumpee - I initiated contact. I did so after a few weeks and I did not put even an ounce of pressure for us to get back together. But I guess my point is that there exists circumstances in which the rules governing NC should be broken if you want to get the other one back. I can't really say when that is - I don't know how to label or quantify the circumstances that would indicate that breaking NC as the dumpee is ok. All I can offer is a circumstance in which it seems to have been the right thing to do.

bcuzitwasfun, I was saying this with the asumption, of course, that she's not playing games. I don't expect she'll call and say she dialed a wrong number otr anything. I called her and we broke the ice enough that she knows she doesn't need to call with an excuse. But if she does call, I'll take her call. I guess you're right. It's not NC. I guess what I mean is I won't call her first - I'll let her call me when she's ready. As to my future .. it won't change much if she doesn't call at this point. Unlike a single person, I'm not really on the hunt for a new partner.

shebop, Yes, of course we wouldn't be here in this situation if I wasn't married. And the truth is, I've already been preparing this even before I met my gf. But this will take several months to do right, and .. that's all I can do right now. I know you wouldn't pursue a married guy - but she and I have been in a relationship where we fell in love. But again, I'm not blaming her for feeling like she wants out. I just don't think she, or I for that matter, would have will to break it off for good.

bcuzitwasfun, Well, no .. I'm going to avoid calling her at all - and not for the usual NC reasons. I just think that now it's important for her to make the decision to contact me herself. She needs the time to come to terms with what she thinks she'll find out there vs. what we have. If she calls me, I think that will affirm to me and to herself that she's ready and willing to continue with me and we can take it from there. If she doesn't, then she was profoundly unhappy and it was better for her to move on.

I'm sorry that you feel that way, coach. I didn't want to get into it here, especially since that's not the topic of the thread. But please, just for a moment know that I'm still a human being with feelings and that I made choices based on situations you know nothing about. If you were in my shoes, you may feel differently. All that changes nothing of the fact that I still hurt when a loved one breaks it off - just like you and anyone else here would. The emotions I'm dealing with are the very same. Trust me on this.

But in a way, I'm glad I did. The first thing out of her mouth when I called was "I really miss you!". Then she told me she loved me and that she wanted me to know that. But she also said that she didn't want to see me - "because it would be better that way". I simply told her that she should do whatever makes her happy and I gently brought the conversation to a close. I have a feeling she's faltering. I think this contact broke the ice, so to speak and probably improved my chances of getting her back - although I'm prepared for the eventuality that she doesn't. I know some of you are going to jump all over me for this, but here goes. I'm married to someone else. I didn't mention it because I didn't want that fact to cause this thread to be a series of marital advice posts. Trust me in that I've already considered and maybe even acted upon any idea you'll come up with regarding fixing my marital status. I don't need or want any advice on this. My girlfriend (or my ex) is a very practical person and she's trying to extricate herself from this situation. And who can blame her? It's probably no fun to be the other woman. But after this phone call - I have a feeling she won't succeed. In fact I'm willing to bet money that she'll call me within 2 weeks. In the meantime, this board has been a great comfort to me. I'll be keeping you all posted just to let you know how things go. Maybe it'll help someone else.

Yeah, I know. But it's so ... clinical

My girlfriend broke up with me about 3 weeks ago and aside from an email I sent, we've been NC. I can feel myself getting stronger in that I think about her less as the days go by and the pain is diminishing a bit - but that part is sad as well. It's sad because the passion that once existed that made life worthwhile is simply fading away and in due time, we'll be like strangers to each other should we meet again down the road. I feel like the precious love I have for her is slowly slipping away as though it had never been. The beauty of all that will be gone and it'll be nowhere to be found, because even my memory of it, in due time, will only contain factual traces of the love I had. I'll remember loving her, but I'll forget what it was really like. And she, in turn, will forget me too.

Crap - I feel like sh*t. I miss her the most at night like now. I feel like giving her a call, an IM, an Email - but then I remind myself that if indeed she wanted to talk to me, she'd make the call. Then the devil on my shoulder says that maybe she's waiting for me to make the first move ...

Thanks for the support, folks. I didn't attempt to contact her or anything. I felt the urge again last night - very badly, but again I did nothing. This is like a nightmare, but I think you all helped me avoid doing something stupid like call her or email her.

Damn, I can hardly stand this right now. I have an overwhelming urge to call her. I'm afraid that NC will cause her to forget me and for me to forget her. We'll have lost any foothold for reconciliation ..

We had been going out for nearly a year - but I think she has emotional issues. This is the 3rd time that she's attempted to cut me off completely. Each time, I'd go along with NC until she'd want to come back to me. The problem is that this time, I'm very attached to her - which is stupid considering her past actions with me. In addition, she confessed to me that a previous boyfriend of one year started talking about getting engaged and she cut him off from her life for good. He pleaded and begged for weeks apparently until he finally gave up, I guess. I didn't do anything drastic to cause this break. We had what I thought was a very minor argument, and she jumped on that to turn ugly on me and she hung up on me. She emailed me the next day that we should get together and discuss things so that we both have a clear idea of where this relationship is going. It sounded like it wasn't going to be very pleasant - so I didn't answer her right away. She then drove to my place, gave me back all the gifts I'd ever given her and she left. I knew she used to use an online dating site. I checked it and found that she activated her profile again. So I have to assume it's definitely over. My rational mind knows I need to keep away from her because she's trouble. But the emotional part of me misses her beyond belief.

3 days after the breakup I sent her an email telling her I missed her. No response. 3 days after that I tried to call. No answer. I sent her another email saying we should try and patch things up - but I also promised to leave her alone if she chooses not to answer, that I would make no further attempts to contact her. Now it's day 10 - and I'm miserable. I don't know what to do at this point. Ugh.