ff7fan

What a weird week, but I'm back. My computer at home decided to take a dump on me but I think I have it fixed after running some spyware cleaners on it. It mysteriously died the night he was going to play poker and I would finally have the house to myself. I can come on at work but only when I'm not busy and everyone has been hounding me with work this week, but at least it keeps my mind off things. He is not saying boo to me right now. A couple times this week he would stop by my office and say something trying to get some kind of rise out of me but I ignored it so he shut up. I'm feeling pretty good actually, and looking forward to having things the way I want them again. I even fixed a leak in the kitchen sink by myself. A few weeks ago when I asked him to do it he made a big deal out of how it was going to take so much time and how I had caused the leak by putting things in the cabinet under there, the typical blaming me as always. It turned out to be a darn cracked ring that all I had to do was take it off, drive to the store, show the guy there what it was and he got me another one. He told me it probably cracked because it was old and not because anyone did anything to it. I put it on the pipe and voila, no leak. I know it's a small thing but I'm proud of myself, especially after he was trying to make me feel like I did something wrong just because the darn thing leaked.

I suspected it might be a trick to get attention. He called today to ask me if I care if he goes down the street to play poker tonight. Heck no I don't care, I'm glad to have the house to myself. It's at a house where the people have teenage boys and a younger girl and the kids all play too, so there's no drinking and I won't have to worry about him coming home tanked and belligerent. I'm going to be on the lookout for the nice phase and the violent phase, but I really hope that one doesn't come along. What am I going to do with a whole evening to myself and no drama?

Looking at porn is one thing, advertising for "discreet fun" on a dating site is another. That's the part I'd be concerned about.

Last night was pity party night. He wasn't ragging on me for a change, he was ragging on himself. He's too fat (he's not), his willy is too small (it's not), he's ugly (he's not) blah blah all evening. I'm sure he wanted me to fawn all over him and assure him he's wrong but I decided nope, not gonna do it. I watched a movie and pretended not to hear him. If I'm cutting out the arguing I'm cutting out all of it and not just when he directs it at me. I'm starting to think he must have a personality disorder.

Okay, here's my daily report on what stupid thing he did last night that I now see as controlling. I worked a 12-hour day yesterday, then we ran a couple errands and picked up burgers. When we got home he went straight upstairs with the bag of food. I stayed downstairs and opened the mail, fed the cat, folded a load of towels, the usual. It was a good 40 minutes before I went upstairs. When I got up there he said "I thought you were coming right up to eat". I never said I was, he thought I was because he assumes everything as I am now seeing. Anyway I said no, I had some things to do downstairs first and he replied with "well it's sitting there ICE COLD now" in a snotty tone. I said that's okay, I don't mind if it's cold (it wasn't anyway, it was still warm), and he just had to keep it going with an angry tone saying "I thought you were coming right up to eat it!" Honestly, I almost laughed in his face because I could see exactly what he was doing but I restrained myself and just said "Well, I didn't." That was the end of that and everything was quiet for the rest of the night but I guess why I'm posting it is...I can't believe how small he is! How did I ever not see this before?

I'm in the process of trying to learn how to detach, and yes, move. I'm going to get a new place when my lease is up whether he moves beforehand or not. I'll have to give notice to my landlord pretty soon though and I'm kind of worried about that because he worked for our landlord for over a year and they're friends. It's going to be kind of tricky. Anyone have any good ideas for detachment? I did pretty good last night - he kept reaching over to rub my back a little but I kept thinking about how rude he's been to me lately and I ignored it. He probably just wanted sex anyway and I have a hard time responding to him after he's been acting like a jerk. I could use some detachment ideas though, if anyone has any.

Last night the cat was crying to get out again and he was getting angry about it and kept telling her to be quiet. Anyone who has had a cat knows you cannot tell a cat what to do...he must be nuts. I said you know, she's old enough now to be able to roam around a little at night. Why not try letting her have some freedom and see what happens. His response was a rude and condescending NO. I kept quiet, took two tylenol pms and rolled over to go to sleep. Not even 15 minutes later he got up, let the cat out and came back to bed. Why tell me no in such a snotty way, then turn around and do it anyway after he thought I was asleep? That just seems stupid to me.

I hope I'm not posting too much but I just read through a site that really opened my eyes. Out of the list of things that are considered abuse, name calling is the only thing my BF has not done to me at some point and some of them he does all the time. If you haven't seen this site go to link removed. It's an eye opener.

I never thought of it that way before but it's true. His outbursts used to be seldom and every time he would apologize for being so rude or temperamental afterward. Lately he doesn't even acknowledge that he had a tantrum, or if he does he blames me for it. He must really think he's in control of me, doesn't he? That's why he goes on scummy sites knowing that it bothers me and not even attempting to hide it. I begged him to quit doing that months ago. He made a few promises which he broke right away but that was it. He knows it bothers me and he couldn't care less. It seems like he's drinking more too. He doesn't go out and binge or anything (but he used to before we started dating) but he will drink 5 or 6 beers or drinks in a row while watching tv or surfing almost every night. I think this is good for me to get it all out in the open. He's starting to look more and more unappealing to me. I feel dumb that it's taken so long, but eh, you live and learn. I know I'm worth more.

Last night he slept on the couch. He probably stayed up half the night looking at porno on the net but I'm not going to even check, why look for something I know will make me mad? I started step one in my plan today, which is I arranged to start moving some of my things out to keep in storage in a friend's basement in case he decides to tear up my stuff before he leaves. I'm thinking about locking down my computer so he can't use it, but I haven't done that yet. If I do that it's definitely going to cause an outburst, since he'd die if he couldn't look at naked girls every night. I looked at my paperwork last night to see when my lease is up because I couldn't remember if it's March or April, and it's March, so I think I will start looking for a new place instead of worrying about how to make him actually leave when the time comes in case his threats are just BS like they have been in the past. When a friend of mine left her BF who was a clinger she got a new place and didn't tell him until moving day. She left him in the apartment and moved on. He sounds like he was a lot like my BF in the way he treated her and she said she didn't want him to sweet talk her into letting him move with her. I think that might work for me too, since just booting him out into the street isn't going to work. Not even considering his pets, he could and probably would create a huge drama scene at work and I can't afford that. If I can manage to bore him maybe he'll leave on his own and if not, I will and by then I will be so boring he won't care. I might even go so far as to quit shaving my legs since he hates it if there's any stubble on them -- he won't come near me then

Well I've seen him several times today and it's just like always, he's behaving like nothing happened. Meanwhile I'm sitting here fighting to stay awake after having only 3 hours of sleep last night and probably not more than 5 hours any night for the past month. He'll probably let me get some sleep tonight and think it's all good, but I know it's just going to keep happening. The sleep part isn't the only thing anyway and he knows it. Realistically he won't be able to move out until he gets his tax return at the soonest. I don't hate the guy, so I don't want to just kick him out on the street. He has 3 snakes and a tarantula (and the demon cat who cries all night) and will need to get them set up in a new place. I was thinking of telling him that basically we've been through this before and nothing changed so he needs to find a new place to live. Acting good for a week or two isn't going to cut it this time. As far as whether I want to see him after he moves out, I don't know. Last night he said it was up to me whether we break up. The way I see it we're going backwards anyway so if he moves out we might as well make a clean break and not prolong the inevitable. I'm not sure I'll be able to trust him if he's in his own place anyway, not with what he gets into on the net sometimes. I'm going to need strength for this, a lot of it I think.

I'm a lot less hooked on him than I used to be. Since he started getting so moody and having these outbursts I've lost some feelings for him I guess. I used to miss him if he wasn't around, now I look forward to times when he won't be around.

Well, I'm not sure. One point that also stands out to me is that if you split too quickly it usually doesn't stick, but then again I think I've been detaching for a couple of months now without realizing it so maybe splitting wouldn't be such a shock to my system after all. The last thing I want is to go back and forth with it. The boring technique sounds interesting but I'm not sure it would work for me, he doesn't seem to ever get bored. I'm still in the confused stage I guess.

I've read this article a lot too. I've been re-reading it whenever I start having nagging feelings that my BF's not that bad ... he fits the profile for a lot of it unfortunately.

Yes, that is exactly how I feel. I'm losing myself. I always had a nice place before. I like nice furniture and keep a reasonably clean home. He has ruined some of my furniture and I constantly trip over his stuff. I'm not a neat freak by any stretch and Martha Stewart would throw up her hands in disgust if she saw my home but if he had his way it would look like a dirty bum's flophouse. Add that to the lack of respect he shows when he keeps me awake knowing I have to work in the morning and ...... grrrrrr, I'm getting mad now. If it was me keeping him awake I'd just go downstairs, but instead I'm the one sleeping on an uncomfortable couch while he stays up most of the night chain-smoking in MY bedroom. I feel like I should be the one having tantrums now that I think about it more.

A lot of it probably is dependence on my part. If I ask myself why is he still here, I come up with several things but it's mostly that he's there for me when something comes up and if I need him for something like the car breaks down or when my ex-husband was (sometimes still is) harassing me in court for two years he was there to support me through it. I live in a high-crime city and I feel safer with him around. Just last week there was a break-in next door. He's affectionate and easy to get along with most of the time, but these increasing moody spells and outbursts are ruining it. We've been together for about 5 years and he only started getting like this for the last year or so. He's in school full-time and works also so I know stress is probably part of it, but I don't see that as an excuse to step all over someone you supposedly love. I've been very careful when I ask him to do something or I talk to him about a problem that I do it in a non-confrontational way. I didn't think about asking him if he'd go to counseling or anything like that but maybe I'll try that as a last resort and if he doesn't or even if he does if he's still having tantrums he'll have to go. He's been down to my office three times already this morning and is acting normal but seems to be a little confused like he's the one walking on eggshells for a change today. Maybe when I agreed he should leave it threw him for a loop, I don't know. In the past I would always say I didn't want him to leave but this time I said he should and further that I didn't think I can wait two months for it to happen. Luckily I'm more than able to handle my household on my own, I don't have to rely on him for money at least. I appreciate everyone's input. I never thought I'd find myself in this situation and I don't have anyone I can talk to about it.

I've been reading a lot of the other posts going back several months and decided to finally post about my situation and see what others think. I'm not sure if my BF of 5 years is actually being emotionally abusive or is just a jerk, but here goes. I'm sorry it's so long. We've had a few issues over the years that I have made compromises over such as his internet porn viewing and the fact that he exaggerates things a lot and sometimes even makes up stories to make himself look better. I learned to spot the truth pretty early on and just ignored the stupid stories unless they somehow affected me because he is good to me in a lot of other ways and I didn't want to be a nagger. Well, I guess it was a mistake because now he's walking all over me sometimes and he seems to have two personalities, one caring and helpful and a great boyfriend, and one angry and prone to sudden outbursts over small things. For example, he is extremely messy and it got to the point where his things were all over the place and he had basically trashed the bedroom and actually it was getting unhealthy on *his side* of the room. I'd ask him to clean up and he would promise to, then not do it. When I finally went in there with a trash bag and started getting rid of his empty beer cans, empty cigarette packs, etc., he got mad and stormed out, only to return later acting like nothing happened. Did he ever go in and finish cleaning it up himself? No, I ended up doing it while he was at work Saturday. Another example, he brought home a kitten a few months ago as a supposed gift for me, but he makes up all the rules about the kitten and is determined that she not roam the house at night but wants her in the bedroom with us. Unfortunately she cries to be let out all night and I'm not getting any sleep because of it. On the rare occasions when she is quiet he is up playing videogames or watching tv until 3:00 a.m. anyway and keeping me awake. He does not understand that I need to sleep, as I get up at 5:00 a.m. to go to work. Last night was the third night in a week that I had to go downstairs to sleep on the couch in my own house because of the noise of him and/or the cat, and when I told him that we need to come to some kind of agreement about the noise level he threw his game controller accross the room and told me I whine all the time and that he'll leave in March if I don't stop. First of all, I do not whine all the time. If anything I've kept too quiet about the things he does and I feel that's why I'm in this spot today, but there's nothing I can do about that now but move forward I guess. He will have angry outbursts over the smallest things ... we went to the video store to rent some movies a few weeks ago and I didn't feel good so I told him I'd wait in the car while he finished picking out his movies and he got angry because I wasn't picking anything out and threw the movies he had picked out on the counter and stormed out refusing to rent them. To me that was really stupid, I never said for him to hurry or anything, just that I was going to wait in the car because I needed to sit down. This scenario has happened in other situations too but I won't list them all. Basically he takes offense at the slightest thing and then has almost a martyr reaction to it is the best way I can describe it. He's never been physically abusive to me but I've seen him throw things quite a few times. I don't know if this other stuff constitutes emotional abuse at all but I just know I am walking on eggshells around him most of the time now. It seems like as long as I don't ask him to do anything or question anything he does he treats me very well, but as soon as he doesn't get his way on something his reaction is to have a tantrum. Later he always acts like nothing happened. I'm sorry if this is confusing but I'm at my wits end with him. I love him very much but I don't love this side of him and this side is appearing more and more often lately. As far as him leaving in March, he threatens that kind of thing every time he gets angry over something and he never follows through. I told him last night I'm not sure if I can wait until March if things don't change and then he said he's going to cancel his college classes and quit school today because of me, but I told him I'm not taking the blame if he does, it's his choice. Did he do that? No, he's here at work like he always is (we work at the same place). In fact, he's acting normal as pie. I see him frequently throughout the day. I read the article someone posted called The Loser over and over and I think I have myself a loser, even if he treats me well a lot of the time. I'd like to be able to set up some rules with him like the tv goes off at 11 or he can take his games and things down to the living room and let the darn kitten roam around the house at night if she wants to but he has already refused the kitten roaming and I'm pretty sure bringing up the noise thing again is going to result in another tantrum. Am I asking too much of him? Am I wrong that these tantrums aren't normal behavior? He talks about our future like we'll be together until we both grow old and die, but if he seriously wants that then why isn't he willing to compromise on a couple of small issues, especially since I've already given in on quite a few myself and learned to live with them?