Danny H

stephen, I can relate to what you are saying 100%.

My wife and I split up 7th Nov after being together 17.5 years.

we have tickets to a new years eve bash at the local pub

I said today I should cancel them and maybe she could use the credit for future drinks, but she said " I might want to go, stop making decisions for me"- we had talked about it days ago but she seems to have forgotten)

anyway

All the local guys down there know we have split and the drunks hit on her , being crude ( sympathetic bast#rds- lol)

Now I know it is up to her to deal with it, and she does, but even so, it still hits you in the stomach, that feeling ( that we really are not a couple anymore,that it is not my business)

I don't drink anymore, so I now contemplate the idea of spending the night with my ex-wife, while everybody ( including her ) have a great new years eve, while I probably sit there hating it all

- oh f#ck it I ain't going.

I suggest if you are not a couple, and you still love her, best to avoid it.

What do you if she hooks up with somebody allnight? what do you do if they really get snogging at midnight?

What do you do if you drink to much and want to declare undying love?

Only if you are superstrong, or really are over them it seems like an awful lot of trouble for one night.

Dan

Curlyl1, I'm not surprised you are in shock, quite a bombshell was dropped on you.

Yes you have been through worse, but sometimes that doesn't help, it just makes you weaker when the next break happens.

In terms of NC it seems like you have to do it , if for no other reason than it might give you a chance to reflect on the relationship and see if there was any problems that you had not noticed ( usually a guy fault-lol).

If there were really no problems, and you still love him after NC, hopefully he might just come to his senses.

But you'd have to iron out went the hell went on, you can't be panicking everytime you hit a bad patch, that he is going to walk

Best

Dan

It Sure is!!

It may seem childish, but it is totally understandable, I quote a line from your first post here:

"Every time I meet up with him I feel even more miserable and pathetic, so I decided to go the NC route after Christmas."

It is no wonder that you feel a little self respect coming back if you are the not chasing him ( you were dumped).

Anyway.

Personally I would guess it depends what you want from NC.

If it is to totally get your own life together regardless of what he does, then yes I guess you could tell him.

But if you want to get space to make him see what he missed ( I know, I know not what the board says NC is for!)- then I wouldn't tell him your plans as he dumped you, why let him in on what you are doing.

I can sympathise with you 100%, but the fact is at least she had sex with this guy after you broke up.

You'll torture yourself thinking about the two of them together, so you'll have to let that go at some point.

You can't blame her not telling the truth outright.

The most important thing seems to be that after seeing if the grass really is greener elsewhere, she has decided that you are the one.

If you believe her then you'll have to make sure your jealosy doesn't wreck something that could be very good for you both.

If you love her, you'll have to forgive and find time to start off on a new footing and just see this as a hurdle to be overcome.

best

dan

well done sad hatter, your girlfriend and her mates sound a right bunch!!

To be disrespected by your gfs mates ( while your gf is there) is either very childish, or very nasty, either of which you can do without.

Keep your head up for all of us.

best

dan

yea sorry it kind of sprang into my brain the comment that ocrob made.

My post was of no help to pikey, sorry pikey.

Well done Chris, after the bomb that was dropped on you, you have kept your respect in tact.

In fact from all the posts I have read so far you seemed to have coped the best

In retrospect do you think you really were in love with her, or do you think you had been glossing over the relationship in order to keep going with it?

Dan

Lonely days, I know what you are saying,but I have to ask this question.

If you were a major pot head for the 5 years you were together, does she really know the unstoned you?

Maybe you'll have to give her space to think, and then woo her again slowly.

Maybe she really will fall for the new you, maybe not.

One thing is for sure I think on this forum the consensus seems to be, if you needily chase the dumper, you drive them away.

In fact the opposite of all those movies that say get on your knees and tell them how you feel and they will then come flying back-lol

best

dan

Man, for all us hopers, that is scary that once a women has made up her mind, you are history for good.

Or maybe if you think of it that way you can just start getting on with your life knowing that there is no way back)-which in the long run will speed things up for you because you won't waste time hanging around hoping-- oh questions, questions

Newts, that is a truly inspirational story, which might give hope to us all.

As for Myself, My wife has got her wanted seperation after 17.5 years ( 7 weeks ago) so like lgirl I am still in some sort of denial/rage cycle.

Although I have to feel for lgirl because 8 months is a long time to feel pain, the stress could even lead to a breakdown.

Anyway

It is posts like yours that give me a glimmer of hope for the future

Thanks

Dan

Frecklegirl you are doing it again.

You know he always thinks of you (WHEN IT SUITS HIM!!!) that is the way you will be mistreated for ever unless you pull away.

By getting in contact it just assures him that you will always be there to be taken advantage of, if/when he feels like it.

Best

Dan

well You would be brave , but it should be done.

Myself I'm just getting up the courage to take up salsa again ( this time with no partner) - and stupidly as it sounds that scares me.

So I can imagine going to a singles do on your own would be pretty scary.

Are these things run safely?

what happens there, do you swap numbers and contact again later?

Yours intrigued

Dan

Suggestion: Read the book "Don't Call That Man!"... it deals with the whole emotioal need of women to obsess after a break-up and how it is totally normal....

I would think this occurs with men as well- in Fact It must be type of person rather than a gender thing maybe?

Thanks frecklegirl, like you I am just trying to bumble through as best I can.

I'm finding this forum of great help I hope you are too.

Best

dan

She seems to have control issues, you need to be firm and she needs to go away and change her behaviour.

She probably goes away and clams down and maybe even regret what she has done, but doesn't feel in the wrong. If that makes any sense

Best

Dan

agree with Tigris, it is easy to talk to work mates that don't ring your bell.

It is the one you avoid, or bicker with is the one you have the spark with

Best

Dan

cool answer

Frecklegirl we are not robots, You have just taken a step back that is all.

The advice earlier was all pretty good, as long as he thinks he has you under control he will call the shots to suit him, not you.

And that isn't right

best

dan

To not get back drinking as a crutch

To keep up with the gym

To be good to my kids ( not that I haven't always been)

O.K I'm sure this has been asked a million times but I can't find it.

Anyway what does this sentence mean:

I love you, care for you, fancy you, But I'm not in love with you anymore?

Or versions of the above

Ideas please

Dan

How do you explain the majority of women leaving most long-term relationships? Obviously some men end the relationships, but the most I see ended are by women for whatever reason.

I'm starting to feel it is because by the time it gets to the end, the guy has just noticed how bad it really is.

By then the female has almost prepared to ditch out

In my case ostrich syndrome was taking place Hoping that things would eventually sort themselves out.

Forgetting that unlike the day/night cycle these things do need input from you.

Best

Dan

yes role on that freedom

Hang in there you are being very strong , yes there is no point coming back to you if she is always going to be wondering if things were going to be better with this other guy, so I guess she really must be sure before coming back to you.

I hope for you the whole process takes as little time as possible, you don't want to breakdown under stress.

best

dan

She is using you in the worst possible way.

She realises you are coming from a position of weakness and she has done nothing to build you up.

She seems to realise she has you under total control and she has used that constantly to her advantage.

And you are doing all in your power to make your life worse.

You love the idea of what you think she is, but Syke she isn't that at all, she is a figment of your memory.

If you could only get some perspective on your situation you'd see that you have to walk away completely and fast.

Best

dan