Danny H

It is very frustrating when your partner breaks up with you and you had no idea it was coming.

I can only suggest that she has been having these thoughts for a while.

Anything you do now to chase her will backfire.

Best do nothing, that way you won't screw up.

I know this, because I have done everything wrong in retrospect

Dan

Also as a side point Dako, she probably couldn't have done half the things she achieved, without the support of a loving partner, so you deserve a pat on the back for all that was acomplished

Best

Dan

beec, can you send me the "art of seduction" text as well, please

Dan

clubbing 3 times a week without you!!!! that is a pretty intense love of clubbing alone- why?

Do you spoil her fun?

Do you stop her getting attention?

who knows, I do know that when my wife loved me, she wanted nothing more than to be able to go out WITH me.

Now she wants nothing less-lol.

Stick up for what you want out of it, she can only say no, and then you know better where you stand

Best

Dan

thanks cherokeelion,

In my head I feel we are broken forever, in my gut I think there is still another chapter to write but that it is in the distant future, when all concerns can be addressed and dealt with.

But who knows?

I haven't been intimate with another women for the 17 years we were together,

I know I should heal first before I try to date, but In India I have to do my best to meet as many people as possible ( just platonic)- and you never know maybe there is another out there to help me ease my pain.

Probably not though, as I'm so obviously broken at the moment.

Best

Dan

Now she sees you talking to others and getting to know what they like and what-not and feels anger that you didn't do that with her.

I think it is more to do with invading HER space, when all i was trying to do was not feel lonely.

I didn't tell these people who I was, I didn't ask any questions about her or her Internet "friend", we just had a nice chat about the cello-lol

I also think you are right I didn't hear her, I was blind to her unhappiness, and that is also making me feel bad, because if I knew I could have tried to do something instead of put my head down and plough on, hoping we'd get through it like we always did.

I meant my vows when we were married, through thick and thin- i believed them- but that was easy because I loved her, I was just rubbish at showing it, obviously

aggh

Yes we are all here, and I doubt if you went out into the real world you could find as many people in one place who understand the feelings that are racing around your head.

Best

Dan

Jesus, for those following my story:

I have just had a phone call from her, I had stupidly signed into to a chat program where she hangs out and got talking to some people ( who unknown to me, realised who I was- I didn't try to hide where I lived or anything- I didn't know these people knew all about me). anyway while she is on her 3 day party trip she has heard via PM That I was on there.

She went ballistic , and I understand her feelings BUT:

The vitriol that was thrown at me, that for 17.5 years I crushed her down, and stopped her doing this or that and That I was the love of her life, but ignored her and made her get deeply depressed and that she said I got her depressed to further my aims of ignoring her.

Then her friend said That " If I let her have her own life, we wouldn't be in this mess"-

A friend who has let her down constantly- makes me mad

I am so confused, how can I be accused of ignoring her, and yet be also accused of stopping her doing things.

When I met her I was relativly successful, I must admit I was so in Love these last 17 years that I let my friends go, I let my job slip a little, I just cared for us.

When I met her she had few friends I had loads,

Now I find myself in debt, with no family, nowhere to live, My best friend goes out with her friend so is hard to talk openly with. My other friends have fallen away ( some didn't get on with her so were given the boot)

and I have lost my wife.

And What really upsets me is that she thinks that for 17 years I didn't love her.

She seems to have created this false reality where I was the bad guy, and where every friend who ever let her down, is somehow better for her than I- the person who stayed through years of depression, just hoping things would get better.

And now as she springs out of Depression, and starts to party- I'm the bad guy.

I just can't get my head around any of this..Help

Alcohol and jealousy make very dangerous bed fellows, beware.

dan

God I feel so weak, she just rung here ( her nightly call to the kids) I let them answer as not to talk to her ( I don't want to be tempted to ask what she has been up to etc)- anyway she asked to speak to me, to check if everything was ok.

And now my heart sours- I'm so f#cking weak, I need the beauty of indifference.

Rollercoaster be gone

Dan

Andy it is nice to think that there are some success stories,

I guess the old adage -you have to let them go for them to come back- rings true at this time.

Best

Dan

wow Dako 27 years, that is a lifetime of memories.

And the interests you had together were so wide, of course you feel like she was the only one.

I can't contemplate what you are going through, I was with my wife 17 years, but we had totally different interests, so at least I have a huge amount of memories that don't include her( which come in handy for proving to me that life can exist without her).

I think it must be time to throw yourself into a new hobby ( Scuba?) something with no associations with what was obviously a very special women

Best

Dan

(your last post has just appeared sorry scratch scuba as you hate oceans)

yes I 2nd dark blue, i have been on them before, coming off was not a problem, ssrs that is not the tri-cyclics ( which made me grumpy).

They are good for cutting down obssession/compulsion cycle

Dan

Yes be angry at him, he lead you on, he smashed you.

Sorry to hear about the lack of friends.

Yes I know what you mean about driving and screaming, I too have looked at the back of a lorry on the motorway and thought (" it would be so easy to just drive into it").

These feelings will pass, get angry, scream, shout, rage, cry,let it all out, it doesn't matter if there is nobody there to hear it, it is primal and needs to rise out of you

Best

Dan

i've been drinking every night mainly because it helps me to forget and to fall asleep. tuesday night i went out drinking at a bar and am ashamed to say that i almost got a DUI on the way home (if the cop hadn't let me off the hook out of laziness, i would have been really screwed - i remember at the time not even caring what happened to me).

POS, I did all of this to, luckily for me the cops didn't stop me, like you I didn't give a fig about the consequences, until I woke up the next day and realised what an idiot I was being.

Do yourself a favour, cut the drink ( too much thinking in circles).

Concentrate on getting yourself into the best physical/mental shape you can.

Maybe in the future she will realise what you had and want to try again- maybe not, but at least by then you will be feeling better about yourself.

I think a hell of a lot of us guys seem to find out too late that it is over- are we blind??? I guess we must be blinkered sometimes

Dan

Ha, I see, silly me

dan

guys what is Lc?

Thanks guys, always nice to have another perspective on these things

Dan

The guy did me a favour in many ways because had this NOT occurred I would not have met the man that is now my husband and that really would have been a tradgedy.

That is such a lovely thing to say,It is nice to see someone on the forum is still in bliss.

Best

dan

does the N/C work if you have a child... I think she doesnt know what she is going to lose becuase i really have not left.. we live in the same house still.... it is making it so hard....

NC with a kid is very hard, if you move out and try to gain some space, you'll feel guilty if you don't speak to the child, and she can also use them as a tool to guilt up too.

People on here suggested to me, that you just keep all talk about your kids, nothing more.

That way hopefully she'll miss having somebody to listen to her ups/downs.

best

Dan

I neglected her in the past (nothing major just starting college etc) but whenever I say how I am feeling she always throws the past in my face.

This is common, you have to convince her you understand what she is actually saying, that you are listening, and that those mistakes will not be made again.

But don't do it in a begging way, you'll both be embarrassed

Dan

Jhemp, that all sounds very positive, good luck and take it slow

Dan

Miss M thanks for your advice.

Yes we were in relate counsoling since july, She hated my attitude, I hated her being on the laptop 12-14 hours a day, so we joined.

I thought we were making great strides but then in Oct she moved onto an internet affair.

She now says she used the affair as a catalyst for change.

And that we would have plodded on until we killed eachother, if we hadn't spilt.

I thought we were making progress in the sessions.

She says that she asked for us to go to relate months ago, and that I only went when the doctor mentioned it, I'll concede I was slow, but this wasn't a normal year

I feel this year was tough because of Tsunami episode, so I concide that I was not listening much.

There were many years when she was deeply depressed, I just soldiered through them, I feel that this year I had a bad year, and she bailed.

She is now paranoid about her age ( she never was) and embarrasses our daughter by wearing skimpy clothes and getting back tattoos and belly piecings etc- But she looks fantastic and I always tell her, and when she asks me

" I don't look too old for this do I?" I say "no you look great"- even on the day she left for London ( yesterday), even though I know that we are split and the attention she'll get could lead to something that will completely destroy us.

I just wish I could hate her, I can't

Dan

One positivr thing is tha teh councelor we are going to made the statement that he does not believe in divorce and does see that we both have love for each other and our problems were fixable

That is quite a statement for a counselor to make!!!

Did they make it to both of you?

Surely if your wife is considering divorce, this is unfair to her.

Dan

hard to say.

Some people seem to be text machines.

I know one guy who has a mass of girls on text all the time, but they mean nothing but just friends.

It would be worrying the text that said " are you coming by" but maybe you can find out what he did friday by just asking " what did you do friday, love ?"

If he squirms out a non believable bunch of stuff, be on alert.

Having said that, this is the problem with looking at loved ones text messages.

You are now in a tough place.

Dan