Danny H

Dark blue, I love that quote.

It just goes to say there is nothing we go through now which hasn't been experienced for many, many years.

Thanks guys, i need a different perspective than my own

Merry xmas

sorry gone, wife is reading my threads and making fun of me!!! ( she looked at my laptop and got address of here)

Good luck, first love is really hard to deal with as you have no reference points to go on ( on 2nd thoughts it don't get a great deal easier later on!-lol)

I have got to say that he seems to be a little confused himself, so best to get on with your life, he knows you care for him, if he sorts out what he really wants, who knows maybe you'll be a part of it.

I have now idea what makes the chemicals that make us feel that we can't live without some particular person.

But something has gone wrong when that person is quite obviously doing us no good.

All you can do is make a break and hope clarity kicks in.

I suspect that if you are as weak as most of us (myself included) you will carry on for far to long in the hope that things will go the way you want them to.

They won't, why would this bloke change anything when he has all the cards, he doesn't seem to be the sort to share them out fairly

Good luck

Dan

He is somebody that needs help, but I think that help should be of a professional nature.

He needs to see the patterns he's emulating, and learn to change that behavior, and only then will he see what the hell you are trying to do.

But you yourself seem to be suffering a little Low esteem, otherwise you would see more clearly how it is not your fault the way he is acting

Good luck

Good luck yoley, seems you are getting a handle on your life.

It will only feel better if you cut this user out, How can you heal if you keep opening up the wound.

It is obvious that you have that " In love" feeling for this bloke, and unfortunetely as happens we can fall for unsuitable people, and most of us have.

This will bring you non stop grief, it is just a question of if the ups for you,are worth the very long downs

Good luck

onmyownagain, I'm glad you are now feeling the one in control of your life, That is good news to hear, how long were you together?

As you can appreciate at the Moment I'm in some crazy limboland, Until my wife gets her cyber lover infatuation out of her head she woun't even have space to consider me.

And even then she might decide that there is fun to be had out there.

I have decided to take myself to India for six weeks in Jan to get away.

I'll phone the kids a lot, but at least I might have an adventure to keep my mind busy.

I understand the kids will live with my wife thus the house and the lot stays with them, that's o.k it is hard work looking after 4 kids even in a couple.

I'm afraid you are on a loser chasing her, you will just look needy.

That will make you feel worse.

Give her space and go off and enjoy yourself, I know it is hard.

Good luck

The man is an insecure control freak, he hasn't the guts to let you go, and he hasn't the decency to treat his new lady with respect.

He wants to play off all sides to benefit only one person- him.

That isn't love in the terms most people would want.

Good luck and keep him out.

If you are meant to be, maybe time will let him know how to behave with you and he will act on it.

Cheers dn, we haven't actually started divorce yet, only six weeks ago I found out, 5 weeks ago I moved out.

Thought it was trial seperation, but we are gearing towards making it permanent .

When is the time to decide

Divorce or try and repair ( 17.5 years is a lot of time to throw away).

I guess I'm answering my own question here, get on with my own life and just check the children are ok.

Bit harder when you know that you don't want to upset them anymore ( they have nice home here, nice schools etc), so that you can't consider asset stripping to try and fund a new life, you instead have to start from the place you were at 20 years ago, right down the ladder.

geeman, you talk about being married to this lady but there seems to be very little evidence that she wants to be in one with you.

I'm sorry mate but as a brit you'll understand this -She is taking the pis#.

For your own sanity, stand up say what you want, if she isn't going to listen, you've got to move on.

Is there an outside chance that she is trying to get you to react, to maybe make love to her or whatever?

anyway best of luck, you are in a very painful place.

I had some huge splits with girls in the past, but now down the line 18-20 years I have had them recontact me, and we have become friends .

So I guess the answer again is time, time, time.

Enough time for there to be no "love type" feelings.

I guess after about 3-4 years we would have been fine, but there was no internet then for them to track me down-lol

Guys basically I guess you are saying I have to switch off all emotion towards her, be civil, be polite and Just discuss the kids only.

Don't try and show any interest in her day, or her life.

Especially don't pry into what she might be doing.

At the moment as I have mentioned I am in the house for xmas and the kids,

very hard to avoid eachother, what vibe should I give off, detached?, unhurt?

aggh so confusing

dark blue you are a sage

O.k, here is my question ( outline of problem in Forum- breaking up -called " I'm so angry please help me see sense").

How the hell can you do Non- contact when kids are involved.

My wife and I ( 17.5 years together) - have had a bad year, I found out she was spending time cyber flirting picture swapping etc, we separated six weeks ago as she said we should " as you will never trust me again" + the fact that this year I have been a bit of an * * * *.

I have tried to get space by staying with family 250 miles away, but everyday I get a call saying " the kids want to speak to you".

I love my wife and it kills me when my daughter blurts out " mum's always on the laptop"- infomation I'd rather not know.

anyway it seems obvious you can't make somebody love you ( my wife loved me intensely for many, many years),

but if they seem to fall out of love, surely you have to give them space to see if they really have.

My wife says that for the 16.5 years she gave herself to me, while I pursued everything else from work to hobbies etc, I must say she has a good point, I was so secure in our relationship, I took it for granted.

This year I refell in love with her, it seemd to backfire and drive her further away- bizarre

At the moment I am at back at our family home for Xmas, so we are in the same space, so although I don't drink in order to give space I might go to the pub for a soda, what happens then is she'll call and join me there.

But then she'll proceed to give off body language that she would rather be with somebody else in the room is this to make me react?, Or is she so over me subconsciously she is looking for the next mate??

Questions, questions.

How do I give space when there are kids?-aggh

Thanks a lot guys, at the moment I can't see clearly, so instead of taking 6 months away I have decided on 5-6 weeks back in India to sort out the next stage.

My wife wants me back for our Youngest son's birthday 20th Feb, then she wants me to live here while she goes back to Thailand for 3 weeks ( she now has female English friends who live there.)

It means I get to live with my kids ( but still paying rent on my rental property)

In answer to a previous question, no I don't think this cyber guy was in Thailand he is based in florida, I know they have never met.

I also know that for 17.5 years my wife has been physically faithful

The other day she blurted out that she " Didn't care if she never spoke to him again, that this is between us and nothing to do with him".

Boy I'm so f##cking confused.

I must say I am going to post another angle on this in the " getting back " forum.

I need a clarity pill, because the usual technique of non-contact is made impossible when kids are involved.

And is it surely to late to think about maybe saving something rather than storming off in anger?

I must ask this as a novice, does chemistry come into it, or does everyone psyche themselves up through email/msn and then just go for it anyway.

I have to ask because surely pictures can't give that subliminal stuff that meeting somebody gives.

Or do you guys meet, and if there is no chemistry you just part?

Anyway best of luck whichever way it's done

you know guys, all of your advice is good, but how the hell do you turn from loving husband to Tough as nails ex partner so easily.

Myself I am still so confused, Like I said this year also affected me, I have got to be honest I got colder to everyone, I drunk to much, much to much (I have now given up for 5 weeks), I shouted to much, I can't help but feel that I am somehow to blame.

My wife says she tried to talk to me all year and i didn't listen, and I hate to admit it, she has a point.

But I still feel that this cyber affair, and then using it as a catalyst to end us is too much.

We are tying to keep lawyers away, but maybe I'm going to have to visit one in secret- ( oh god the battles start here)

DN, You say I shouldn't do what she wants, that is a hard one as she uses the kids E.G " If you go travelling what about the kids",

"If you move out of this area What about the kids".

If I don't get help with the Kids, I'll breakdown and that isn't good for the kids" etc, etc.

I suggested living in the same house, but separated, she freaked, so I have been bunking down at other peoples places.

Ironically I am home today for xmas ( invited for the kids etc), so I am now sitting not 3 metres away from the wife ( as she types to god knows who on her laptop).

When she goes outside for a mobile phonecall, I have to be strong and not get to interested, otherwise I'll hear " But we are separated I can do what I want".

But If I try and make plans, I hear " But what about the kids"-

You know what, I would like to travel the world and get away for 6 months, I even bought the air tickets, but common sense + Friends have convinced me I can't leave the kids like that, although seeing her kills me, I still Love her, not for this year but for the 16.5 other fantastic years we had, we were soul mates, we always knew what the other was thinking.

I just don't know if I should play hard ball ( to appease my ego etc) or try and remain calm, move out, be supportive and hope that we work it out.

I wish I hated her more.

dogg I feel for you, no matter what you do, you will feel it is the wrong thing.

Unless she suddenly phones and declares undying love for you as a result of your actions, but the odds of that are very small I'm afraid.

If you send the email the chances are any reply will be less than you hoped for, and thus bad feelings flood you again.

Hi, I have just found this forum and at last have somewhere to share my feelings and hopefully help others with theirs, anyway.

I have been with my wife 17.5 years, married for 10.5 of them with 4 children, the youngest who can't walk because of c.p.

We have spent most of that time together because I have worked from home for the last 11, so as you can imagine we have spent a hell of a lot of time together- and get this, this year I fell in love with her all over again, I mean like a teenager.

But Let me back track:

On Dec 26th we were caught up in the Tsunami in Thailand while on Lanta, running away with 3 kids and a wheelchair

bound child.

On returning to Uk I realised my wife and I had changed quite a little.

She said " I need to go back on my own to make sense of it all" I agreed and off she went for 10 days while I watched the kids.

She loved the travelling alone ( fair enough don't we all sometime) anyway the mobile phone bill was £600, so we agreed next time we would only msn to thailand/uk

In November she went back again for 10 days, but while she was away I pondered the year, she had been locking herself on the laptop for 12 hours a day coming to bed at 2-3 in the morning, even the day before she was going back to Thailand in November, suddenly it became clear ( It wasn't just Post stress, something was going on).

On checking our old joint email account ( she had taken it on solo) to my horror I found a mail saying " great you phoned from Thailand, your voice is so sexy etc, etc, and enclosing a song with lyrics about how this guy was a better lay than me etc).

Also in the email account was a link to the Imageshack hosting site, on clicking the link I discovered reams and reams of nude photos of my wife, that I certainly hadn't seen, Suddenly the full horror dawned on me

Not only was she not phoning the kids due to cost she was instead phoning this guy in the states, + they must have met via PM, then moved to msn then moved to phone calls, + sharing the pictures.

I would understand all of this, but when I confronted my wife via phone she got angry with me for snooping( understandable) and said she wouldn't finish with this guy + also I must move out from our house and kids but I must leave the car.

So I now find myself ( this was six weeks ago) angry.

I am angry at a man who played the sweet guy to a married women with 4 kids, the listener while I was to busy trying to keep us all going, I am angry with my wife for not ending us and then taking this further with this guy.

And I am especially angry with myself for neglecting my wife to the point where she needed somebody else to lean on.

I would like to fix this but my wife doesn't I guess I just have to try and stay not angry and hope that in time when this guy is called upon to deliver something concrete she'll see he is a sleaze.

I only say he is a sleaze because at the time he knew she was married with kids and yet he was sending suggestive songs over, while she is conviced he is a knight in shining armour, who started as a friend, but that it then turned sexy- .

She has convinced me it was because I just don't listen and he does, But If he was doing Physio everyday with one child, doing all the school runs ( I'm the only driver), Plus trying to work I guess he might have a little less time.

Oh and another thing, he says he is a Vp of a company, rides his bike at 160 mph and is also 11 years younger than my wife, I can't compete.

What do I do I can't see through the anger please help

good words from beec,

I am in a similar position and the more I read the more I feel that all you can do is BE THERE, but not in the face just as support- even if that means you have stay away to give space.

And be prepared to not win her back, because otherwise you could explode in anger.

best of luck and wish you well.