Danny H

Frangipani, I guess the old adage - Actions speak louder than words- is perfect in this scenario.

No matter what he says to you, he is with her.

If you get back together I guess You'll need time to trust again.

Having said that, it is difficult how it all came about.

1. You finished with Boy A, to be with Boy B

2. You tell Boy B, you need a "Break"

3.Boy B meets somebody in this break- which he is in titled to do I guess

4.Boy B stays with the new person, while keeping you hanging.

The question is really whether he respected and understood your reasons for the break in the first place, or did he take it badly and rebound?

it is also a shame that you and boy a don't click as it sounds like it could have been good if the Chemistry was there.

Best

Dan

Thank you honeyspur, I'm not sure if you know my story but as of tomorrow my wife goes partying for 3 days to london.

She is back Sunday in time to take the kids for on Monday I go to India for 6 weeks.

This trip is to try and make sense of the rest of my life, for 17.5 years I have lived in a bubble, maybe taking everything for granted.

When everything was going wrong ( debt, work whatever) I always consoled myself with the thought that at least I had my family, and that was worth more than anything.

Well contrary to what my wife feels ( she is staying in the house with the kids)- I no longer feel this is a family.

What with me living god knows where when I get back. ( although she is going back to Thailand for 3 weeks when I get back and I live here with the kids-lol)

Maybe in the future I will come to grips with this.

Today was the my youngest childs first day at School.

He can't walk so he was picked up in his wheelchair by a special vehicle.

(3 other kids go to different schools which can't take him)

He was so excited, we all fussed around him taking pictures, all my other kids were exicited for him.

My wife and I were beaming for him- and you know for a split second we felt like the family of old, and it was lovely and heartbreaking all at once.

What breaks me is my wife doesn't feel this is worth fighting for.

Dan

This has got to be one of the most annoying things about breaking up.

The way we grasp at any little crumb the dumper throws our way.

Myself no matter how hard I fight it, one comment from my ex and my heart sours.

One nasty action and I feel deeply depressed.

What the f#ck ever happened to free will?

I didn't phone her at midnight ( on her birthday- she was 39 and hating it) because I'm trying to pull away.

When i take the kids to get her ( she stayed at friends for a night out) she says

" I was hoping you'd phone me last night at 12 "- my heart sours, what does this mean I say to myself, did she miss my call?, was she thinking about me?- truth is it means nothing at all (Just grasping at straws !!).

I get home and see on the website where my wife met her internet "friend" an exchange of chat ( on a thread saying happy birthday to her) goes like this:

The guy is the guy that we broke up over:

guy: I am under 30 and guaranteed to lube you up

wife: Deal, what are you doing friday?

Guy: You !

Wife: perfect.

I read this, and I sink again, on a forum she knows I visit.

Please don't grasp at straws they will break and you will fall deeper.

Dan

If we all believe that time is a healer ( and we do otherwise what the hell have we got to hang onto) then when you ARE healed you will probably want to look over the photos.

Do not get rid of them, scan them and hide the cdr if you have to, but you will want to see them in the future- for many reasons

Dan

Onmyownagain, If this is what you want I am really pleased for you both, hopefully from here on in it will be better than before.

Good luck and hope you don't desert us now.

Best

Dan

Man, that story just shakes you to the bone.

Surely she should have sat you down and explained how it has come to this, she owed you that much.

Best

Dan

Danny what made you change your mind and then get into marriage?

You know it just suddenly felt right, it seemd the most natural thing in the world to do.

( and I always considered marriage a dying institution- oh well we are all allowed to change!!)

best

Dan

I was with my wife for two years before we considered it, we finally married after we had been together for 7 years, it took me that long to want to do it.

When we finally got married I was really into it.

I don't understand taht she thinks it's a normal behavior to be w/ someone or try for someone who is and has been in a long term relationship, that there's a child involved who knows me and wants us to be a family, etc. . .

Yes unfortunetly the world is full of people who don't seem to have the morals as the rest of us.

The guy who chased my wife down knew we had 4 kids and had been together 17 years

But I guess there are always people who fall in love with our partners by mistake, without intentionally trying to.

Dan

some nice quotes there big syke, you are on a high at the Moment, just be prepared for the low that will come your way.

when it does, exercise your butt off and don't let it have control.

Best

dan

Good luck selfi, the healing starts now.

Good luck feelingafraid, it is particularly hard today, being new years eve.

But I guess we can all start the new year fresh.

He shouldn't have treated you that way, and inside He should know that.

Best

dan

Ok I told her in the nicest possible terms why I couldn't go with her, and got

Bombarded with abuse.

She then said she couldn't go on her own, so I said " ok we have paid £30

I'll go then".

Boy she went ballistic, she just doesn't seem to understand that I was saying that as the dumpee I couldn't bare to be there with all those couples etc, and us together but not together.

Anyway now she has phoned someone and buggered off with them to god knows where, and as she left she shouted at me that I dumped myself and should be able to take her to the do as a "friend" jesus we were together for 17.5 years we have 4 kids and we broke up 8 weeks ago over her internet fling ( still going on)-

you've got to remember that she is going out for 4 nights in a row in 4 days to celebrate her birthday, she was out last night as well, so it is not as though tonight has to be done.

In a moment of clarity I suddenly saw that the caring/sharing person I once thought I knew is just a mirage.

In it's place is a twisted, cruel , self centered person.

We would never have hooked up if I met her now, I'm hanging onto the person I knew long ago, I have to accept that person is no more.

I like to tell myself I left her in Thailand after the tsunami and that she is out there somewhere, because I don't recognise the person here .

Oh well

here I am on my own, thinking of the 17 other new years eves that we were happy- or were we!!!!

Love to you all

dan

Oh god 4 hours to go here and my xwife has asked me to go with her for a drink, and then leave before midnight if I feel uncomfitable!!!!!

My head said says let her go on her own ( actions speak louder than words and if she wants to spend midnight more with pub " friends" than her family, I guess that says all I'll ever need to know.

Should I be the gentleman and take her for an hour or so to settle her in and then leave to come home.

Or should I say f#ck off you got rid of me, I am not here at your beck and call??

best

Dan

I still plan on going to the pub we were going to. Will be weird with her not being there and knowing she's out somewhere probably pulling people maybe doing even more!

 

New years eve is a particularly hard time to be alone what with all the contemplation etc

 

Sadhatter keep your head up, who knows what she is doing.

Everytime she enters your head tonight Kick her out, do that for yourself, there are only so many new years eves in all of our lives.

 

Just go and try and have fun, but beware of the drunken dial scenario.

 

Best

 

Dan

Waiting when I have seen your sort of situation in film ( where one person loves somebody, and just stays around although they are not loved back in the same way)- It has always seemed like a real sad loss of a life lived.

Think very honestly with yourself.

What would you feel if 4 years from today you had been there for every crisis she had, running when needed, giving support etc, etc.

And then she turned to you and told you she was marrying this new guy who made her feel complete etc, etc.

Could you honestly look at her with love and say " I am so happy for you"

If you can, then you are great friend, or a stronger man than I could ever be.

But what if this cripples you, and you get angry that your plan to win her back didn't work, You will be 4 years older and 4 years more bitter.

Think closely on what you do, try to use the brain a little, the heart can be a bit of a mess at times like this.

Best

Dan

Thanks guys.

Relationship coach, I still think the hardest part for me would be if she moved somebody into our house to play daddy to my kids.

If that happens oneday I hope I'm in a place with somebody I love, so that I don't have to feel that kick in guts feeling that has hurt for the past 8 weeks

best

dan

Big syke, yoú will not be spending new years alone, there are lots of us in the same boat on here and so i guess we are having a cyber new year-lol

Telling you about all the fun she is having in the hot tub with the new guy is just unbelievably cruel.

And for your own peace of mind, they are never going to have the fun that your creating in yoúr own mind- which will torture you.

You have to ask yourself these questions:

1. Do you like feeling this way?

2.Do you get a rush off torturing yourself?

If the answer is no, then everytime she enters your head make a conscious effort to puish the thoughts away, by doing something practical or just thinking on something else.

And don't take her calls, let her bull#hit to somebody else.

You are not going to chase her away with these actions, because to be honest she can't get any worse .

Dan

He is playing games in his mind and yours.

He never thought out his approach to you very well.

If this was his campaign to get you back , he hadn't planned it at all.

So the more likely scenario is, He doesn't know what the hell he wants.

But he thinks that he wants you there just in case.

You are a busy person chasing a dream( I was in music for 20 years, it is tough) you need people you can rely on, and number one in those is partner.

He ain't measuring up, if you want him back you will have to be tough enough to tell him what YOU want.

best

dan

Hi, I have posted on here before about My wife and I splitting up after 17.5 years( tsunami thread) anyway I'm still here at the house with her and the kids counting the days till I fly to India for head break.

Anyway I know I have been in denial but today things feel better somehow ( 8 weeks since split).

last night she went out to pub till 2.00 am I was s'pose to join her at 10pm but didn't go, I stayed here with kids.

I expected her to call for lift back at 11 is but when she didn't call I surfed and then went to bed at 12.30a.m

I woke at 2.00 and went outside for a ciggie, saw she wasn't home and you know what I DIDN'T CARE!!!.

No jealosy, no thoughts, nothing, blank.

just then I heard her footsteps coming up to the house, and we had a quick chat and I went to bed.

Today she is booking 3 weeks away to Thailand solo ( once I get back from India)- and again it doesn't seem to effect me- Before I would be thinking all sorts of things- you can imagine)

But now I am starting to feel " this is nothing to do with me"

You know what it feels like freedom.

I know there is no magic person right round the corner to heal my wounds, but I am starting to feel the urge for some fun!!.

Today at the shop for the first time in years I noticed a very pretty girl smiling at me, and playing with her hair, I felt a zap in my body I haven't felt for so many years.

I still haven't the courage to just start talking ( 17.5 years I'm very rusty-lol)

But it was nice to feel that connection.

Have a good new year,

and may everybody find peace within themselves

Dan

I went home with a barmaid once and we had a couple of weeks of fun.

The secret seemed to be taking her to an after work club for some relaxation for her

Dan

This is going to seem like crap advice after all the great advice you have been given above.

But If I could tell you to do four simple things to do right now they would be these.

1. Drop all alcohol, drugs or mind altering substances- you'll just go in circles

2.Join a gym- the company is good, the effects will give you a sense of self esteem, and the feel good rush will help you relax .

3.Sleep well and sleep to your quota, the gym will help here.

4.Eat good food, not fats and burgers, the brain responds well to good fuel.

Now if you concentrate on the above, you'll find you are filling YOUR day with things for you, and as the days go on you'll look forward to YOUR schedule.

And as the effects take hold ( very quickly) you'll get a sense of pride in what you doing.

Now Please understand that the advice above is from me, and I am not some sort self-help guru- I am a man who did the opposite to the above for to long, and the pain cycle just goes round and round.

You have to break that cycle, concentrate on you.

Good luck

and happy new year

Dan

jaela, yes it takes courage to be the dumper, courage I have sadly lacked when younger ( I had been with my wife 17.5 years, so we are going way back-lol).

From a dumpee point of view, you are doing the right thing for both of you.

the worst thing to do would be to get back through Pity/guilt etc.

I wish you and your very sad boyfriend the best for the new year

Dan

I hope that one day she'll realise of her loss, and realise how much I actually loved her....by that time though, I hope to be over her.

Oh hope for you that is the case, good luck

And happy new year

dan

Waiting, I really feel for you, what an absolute bummer of a situation to be in.

Unfortunetly You are trapped in a cage of your own making ( with no help from her).

Looking at this from outside my first thought was " how dare she call you when it goes wrong for her"- because she left you and she knows how that left you feeling, she should have respected your feelings.

She doesn't look like she is running back, she actually looks like she is using you as a crutch until she moves on to the next Love interest.

You are going to have to divorce your heart from this, and be a good friend.

OR you are going to have to be honest to her and walk right away.

I don't envy your situation.

Have a great new year anyway

best

dan