jestertat

It's hard... When you don't realize how great something is until it's gone. My girlfriend and I (of four years) are "taking' a break." The relationship was great, until we got a place together. I realize now that I became a 'work-a-holic' and didn't give enough attention to her, (working opposite schedules didn't help either). We (I) ended up wanting to try an 'open relationship', only because we had been together for four years and were each other's firsts. Moving forward (engagement / marriage) was brought up and she said she was 100% sure about me, and I told her I was 99.9% sure as well, but I didn't want to make a decision like that and have it not be what I really wanted. The whole 'open relationship' thing backfired (of course) and we decided to "take-a-break". It has been about 2 months and I have realized what I was looking for was right there in front of me and I feel I blew it. Now she is the one who is not ready to get back into a relation ship yet, and I can't stand being without her. She has been living with some friends (bad influence type) and has been trying out new things (drugs, drinking, partying). She is making some unhealthy choices and I feel like I'm sitting here with my hands tied behind my back, because she wants to do her own thing and is not ready to 'try again' with me yet. It hurts me to see her do this to herself, but I know I can't change her, she has to realize what she wants. My big problem (as if that weren't big enough) is what to do. At first I was being too aggressive, I wanted her back so bad, I would always call her, and invite her out or over to do something or hang out. I took the advice of some friends and backed off a little, I stopped calling her and she started calling me, so that has been going ok. She is also giving me mixed signals... One day, she will tell me, "I still need time, I'm not ready yet," and the next day she will be over sitting on my lap, trying to hug me and kiss my neck, telling me she loves me and misses me. I don't know what to think, and when I asked her why she was acting this way, she said, "I act how I'm feeling when I am around you, I don't want to hold anything back," but to me I feel used in the sense that she is coming over to get her "fix" of me and then leaving to continue whatever she is doing. I don't want to push her away and make her think I don't care anymore, but then again I don't want to act on my true feelings and let her get that "fix" (if that’s what it is). I am going to try and show her how I feel, but purposely hold back acting on it. Please respond and tell me what you think. Am I doing the right thing? Should I do something different? Should I see other people or just work on myself for a while? What do you think? Thank you for reading my long story and replying if you did Desperately Wanting, -jestertat-

JL301- I am kinda on the same boat as you at the moment, but I have to agree with the last reply, only because I have been trying this and it does work...so far. She wants space, give it to her. I went around asking friends for advice and they all pretty much told me the same thing. I was being to aggressive, she was getting the attention she wanted. So I stopped, I gave her space, I let her call me. And it has been working. I think (I hope) she has been seeing what is is like to be without me, so instead of me calling her almost every day, she has been calling me every other. I think you wrote in your story that she wanted it to be natural more than a push, so if she wants space, but you still talk every once in a while, try to play your cards like it is a new relationship, and get to know eachother all over again. My love has been sending me mixed signals about getting back together. At one pint she will say she needs her space, but then five minutes later, tell me she loves me and misses me. So I am going to let things go where they go. I suggest the same to you, only because it has been working for me... Let her call you (don't worrY, if she loves you, she will), and don't push her, she will want you more if you don't show you want her. I know it's all weird, but so far, it's working for me, and I was with her for four years before all this happened. Good luck, -jestertat-