angelrose

I was thinking back with a close friend tonight about my father. He was a nice loving man, a good dad, kind, gentle, funny. Everyone loved him. Never yelled or got angry. Very understanding. Then suddenly one day he started screaming at me and my mom non-stop. I was 10,,he would yell about his problems,her family, etc... it went on every night, screaming on the top of his lungs, then cursing alot, complaining to me and cursing. He was also acting weird, the look in his eyes wasnt right anymore. He seemed creepy and weird. My Mom changed the locks on the door and he did not come back until some years later. I always wondered what happened, what mental illness did he have? Its important for me to find out because it was really traumatic for me. I have asked my Mom, I honeslty believe her when she tells me she does not know. She told me she tried to get him to see a doctor and she told me he would scream and tell her she needs a doctor. My father had cancer a month after i was born, it went into remission but he did take chemo pills. My Mom thinks maybe the cancer or the chemo affected his mind but I'm not sure. I just cant believe someone could change like that overnight. Anyone have any ideas or opinions on what was wrong with him? Thanks.

Thanks Paulyg. For myself Its hard to believe everything I went through. I think "wow what a crazy life" but maybe thats why I denied everything and repressed it, was too hard to handle. I really didnt have a support system from anyone, my mother did prevent me from dropping out of high school. I wanted to very badly. So I owe that to her. My guidance counselor in HS knew nothing of my troubles but shes the one who told me I have "talent" in art and encouraged me to go to college and take it up. I did. My boyfriend at the time loved me and gave me self esteem and confidence. I also had a close childhood friend. She was a nice person who influenced me to take a good path. But she never knew of my all my troubles, just about my father. When my cousin and his wife laughed at me at my graduation, it just shattered my world. Because they were normal and i wanted to fit in with them. I wanted my family to pe proud. To this day I'm still affected by what they said. It hurts. Yeah both of them never went to college. For me college was a struggle. It was hard to get through public speaking courses. I'm still not sure why but I would have panic attacks. I had to WD 3 times but finally made it through another time. When I was studying alot of bad thoughts would come into my head and I would have to say "shut up" "Shut up" it was just very hard. I think I never wanted admit to myself that I had an abnormal life, that i was a victim of rape and abuse but I did. I think I'm ready to share it with people now who are my friends. I have not managed to have any good relationships though. I usually get into arguments with guys or I'm very closed off. I never really show myself and let myself go. Alot of times I have cheated and turned some really great guys away. So i really have to work on that. Its a real problem.

Hi, sorry not sure where to post this. I was reading some of the sexual abuse cases and thought i would put it here. This is very long sorry but theres alot of details. I have a childhood full of all kinds of abuse. I was reading about repressed memories so i think this is happening to me. I'm not sure whats happening to me but I have been accepting what happened to me in the past as the truth and the lies i told myself that it never happened as false. I have been remembering things for the past year now. Alot of terrible things happened throughout my childhood. I am in my 30s now and just remembering and accepting it.. Is that normal? Maybe its because you cant go through your whole life pretending to be normal when your not? Also my Mother tells me I had a wonderful childhood all the time. When I tell you about my life you tell me if thats true? Did I? its hard for me to explain but I'll try. My earliest memory is being hit by some bad kid on a bike. My arm was broken in 4 places..The doctors were not sure if I would heal but i did. I was about 2 years old. It was traumatic, I was in the hospital for awhile. A month after I was born my father was diagnosed with terminal cancer. I think it caused alot of depression in my house that affected me without me knowing. Then at 4 years old I was molested by the supers son in my building. I never told anyone. We also had problems with some neighbours in my building. The people underneath us would threaten us with a hammer because they said we walk too much. My father recovered but by the time I was 10 he was verbally abusive and he was yelling at all of us everyday. It would not stop. When I was 11, I would stay out till past midnight just to avoid him, I smoked, i drank. I would sit on the roof alone and cry. He became very scary. He would not allow my friends over and they found him to be mean and creepy. So at 11, my Mom changed the locks on the door, I was in my room with the radio on when she did. I didn't even think about it or question it, it was done. I became withdrawn at school. kids would verbally abuse me everyday, sometimes hit me. Then a year later, my father had a massive heart attack and I was told by my mother it may be the last time I saw him. I found out he living in shelters. Then he recovered and I went to talk to him, he said "what are we supposed to talk about"? in a nasty tone. I remember feeling like crying. The same year my grandmother was put into a nursing home. She was lonely and sad, she subbcumed to being beaten 2 black eyes while she was there. Her whole family abandoned her but us. Then from about 11-15 i did not see my father at all. I was a pretty angry and depressed kid. but at the time never knew i was or thought about it. At 12 or 13 I was molested but i cant remember what year it was because i had blacked it out completely At age 14 I was gang raped, (i was caught up in a bad crowd) i did not even think about it, put it out of my head. I think at the time I did not want to accept what happened. I even smiled and chatted up these guys after it happened, i think they were schoked as well..I did not tell anyone because I did not want everyone to think there was something wrong with me. I wanted to fit in. to be normal One kid i went out would verbally abuse me all the time, tell me I'm crap, etc. Then also at 14 I was raped by a 50 year old man who was a photographer and tricked me into taking photos. After that I became very premiscious. I used to pick up guys and have sex with them. Then at 15 my father came home to live with us. he was very old and sick. I didn't want him back. I hung out at clubs in NYC all the time, met an older guy-18. We actually fell in love and i spent most of time at his parents place. But I was not allowed to live with him. When I came home I used to look at my father laying in bed and wonder if he was dead. I used to think about him dying every single day. Not that I wanted to but I felt he was so old and sick he would die soon and I was always afraid of finding him dead. I always thought about how and when he would die. He wasnt verbally abuse anymore, just quiet and old. I was very embarrassed of him too. I used to tell people he was my grandfather. I never discussed my feelings to anyone at the time, not even my boyfriend. I kept it all in. On my 16th birthday i had gone out with my mom, sister, boyfriend. I remember being happy for once. When we got back home my father was having a heart attack, we had to call an ambulance and we spent the night in ICU. He recovered though. Things were calm in my life for once, but I was very quiet. It was hard for me to talk to people, I think because of being rejected in grade school and junior high. I managed to graduate HS after attemtping to drop out many times. At the age of 17 I got into a college i wanted to go to. I woke up one day and said to myself I can change my life, I can be normal. I wanted to change. I broke up with my boyfriend and managed to make alot of friends in college. I was full of anger and rage now but didnt know why. If someone said something nasty to me or mean,, I would explode screaming and saying " For a long time I pretended I was from a nice family with a nice childhood. I just wanted to be normal and happy. I convinced myself so much that I even had forgotten "the truth" about who i am. I told myself "that wasnt you, that never happened" As crazy as it sounds I believed it. I was happy for awhile until At 19 I was diagnosed with meningitis, my parents were told i had a 40% chance of making it. i felt like i would die but i recovered. had to take off a semester from school, was in the hospital for 2 months. I feel into depression again.. At 25 ot a call from my Mom thatmy dad is in the hospital and i should come down. he was hooked up to many machines and when i saw him I panicked. To make a long story short, the hospital messed up and he was basically put through agony which i had to watch for many days until they overdosed him with morphined and i watched him die. I never imagined he would die like that, always thought he would die in the house or quickly of a heart attack. I cried for about a week straight. I had to take off the semester and i had to check myself into therapy. I was also fired from my job. I went into a great state of depression. All the anger I had inside went away and i was filled with sadness and despair. But after a year I said its not going to bring me down. and went on a club hopping, party going binge for abour 2 years............ i did finish college only to be told my cousin whos 46 that I am a joke who has accomplished nothing and also ugly at my Graduation party. His wife joined in and told me my degree in Art History is meaningless and stupid. I cried in the bathroom but didn't show my hurt. imagine crying on your Graduation Day? I worked so hard for that degree. It was a struggle. It just killed me when they told me that. Like someone punched me. Only now I am remembering and facing all these things. I did have a terrible childhood. Are these repressed memories or denial? is it normal for people to make believe their past never happened and actually believe it? I have not told a soul about all the abuse my childhood, this was first time, maybe i should go to a therapist now.

I dont know if he was a manic depressive. I was only 11 when my mother threw him out. I was 16 when he came back and he was just some sick old man who embarrassed me. I hope counseling helps, but I would feel better if my mother stopped acting like shes lives on park ave when she lives in a ghetto and brags about what a wonderful childhood i had.

thats true, shes 68 years old and she has alot of old fashioned ideas. shes also not very cultured and not educated. I will go to counseling but I won't tell her. She is just in denial about everything. She lives in a bad neighborhood and says its nice. Sometimes I worry she will be attacked. I begged her for years to move and rent somewhere else. She never tried. My sister at the time was being beat up at grade school everyday at the time, that went on for 7 years until she graduated. And she tells my sister she had a wonderful childhood and continues to act like Mrs. Cleaver.

Thanks, yea i want to see a counselor at school. I also blocked out alot sexual abuse that happened to me by other people at that age that i just started remembering as well. I cant even go one day now without thinking about it. I finally told my mother i was abused as a child and she said absolutley nothing and started talking about shopping. I told my Mom i need therapy and she says only crazy people go for therapy and that stays on your record forever. I am angry at them but also realize it was out of control. I do feel bad for my mom alot of times. I just wish she could tell me why my father really did what he did and stop acting like Mary Poppins. I will never forgive my extended family for not helping us and making fun of us.

Maybe he was depressed, i dont know, my mother wont give me any information. I know he had a terrible childhood. Also made mine terrible.

I keep having flashbacks about my fathers abuse. This is the first time I ever dealt with this, I always block it out One time my nice friend came over and he told her to GET OUT.. then my other friend came to see me, as she was leaving he was coming up the stairs. My friend told me not knwoing that he was my father that a real creepy old man was starring at her and she was scared. I was so ashamed. My mother forced me not to tell anyone, in school i had to quit the drama club because when i stared in school plays he couldnt come to my plays and she told me she didnt want people to talk. Then one year later my mother changed the locks on the door, he tried to get in for one hour and couldnt. I never saw him again until 4 years later when i was 115 and my mom took him back in, he was 72 at this time and just had a heart attack, he was an eldelry old man. He couldnt work and just sat in a chair all day watching tv, he used to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling and i used to look at him everyday wondering if hes dead. It was so embrassing to have him as a father i never let my friends come over and i was never home as a teen. Then 3 years ago he died of cancer that came back. I had to edure further torture from him because i had to watch him suffer and die for 7 days. and i also lost a great job i had because of him dying. He also died broke, i found out he was living in shelters when my mom kicked him out. My mom says he didnt have money and we are poor because he spent it on cancer treatments. All I want to know is why did he do this? Why did he start screaming at me and my Mom? WHY? I asked my mother and she does not want to talk about it. She just says he was sick from the cancer treatment, but he wasnt on treatment when he did that, he hadnt been for years.