eastcoastgal

Yes very good point. This guy should be ashamed of himself.

Me too

This is very good point, but very cynical. I prefer to see the good in people, and as ***ed up as this was, I think he thought he was doing the right thing. Still not ok... I'm not going to see him again. To think that there are people out there that are that evil and manipulative will turn me into a cynical man hater and I'm trying not to be that person.

All very good points. I like that analogy. I don't have a lot of respect for men, I think they all lack moral compasses where sex is concerned. Who knows the full story, and who knows why he told me. He's a good father and a decent man from what I can see. He also shared that he was sexually molested (by a man) as a teen. And he was not in any way proud of what happened with the girl. If I keep walking away from every man that has had an impure thought about a teen, paid for sex with a prostitute, watched porn, etc ... I'll be alone forever. Because they ALL HAVE. And if they say no they are lying. I might be putting my finger on the scale but it seems if I don't I'll never find anyone.

So to be clear... yes I have boundaries. And I have gotten into trouble before for relaxing those boundaries for someone who "ticks off all the boxes". It's really hard to find the right person and it seems no one is without a past, myself included. He could be a really good person who made a mistake and actually thinks he's doing the right thing by talking about it. No, not good parenting drinking with your teenage daughters on vacation. She was not under age ... 19 is legal. It's gross and I have a feeling there is more to the story. So I cut it off. So don't have a go at me for not having boundaries...

That's what I meant by "except THAT.

You re absolutely 100% correct. It was extremely off putting ... it did not sit well. He really is everything I was looking for in a guy....except THAT. There have been other issues as well. I have told him it's over. Better to find out now than down the road.

If there is no chance of a relationship, because he's married or whatever, then he's just saying goodbye and wishing you well, not rejecting you. I agree with MissCanuck, rejecting what?? You didn't seem to have been interested in him.

I went out on a first date with a guy I met online. He was nice, very good looking and intelligent. Everything was going good and I was definitely interested in a second date and more. Then he comes out with this story about a time, very recently, he was in Mexico with his teenage daughter and her friend. They drank tequila all night and he went to bed. The friend, 19, (he is 59) came in and got into bed with him and wanted to have sex .. she was say ing "F--- me, F--- me!". He says his daughter came in and dragged her out and the next day he told them to leave and they all parted ways. He says they were kissing and I asked what would have happened if his daughter had not come in. His answer was " I was drunk, I probably couldn't get it up anyway" He says he told me because he liked me and didn't want to have any secrets. I asked if there were any other stories like that... he has 2 teenage daughters. He says no. Was he being transparent or is this a huge red flag??

Good for you. But I have difficulty understanding the behaviour. I'd love to forget he ever existed, but I have never met anyone so cold and calculating.

You are trauma bonding. It's a normal response to abuse or trauma. You need to stop all contact with this person. He betrayed you and you're hurt. You gut is telling you what you already know but your heart still wants him. Suck I know and it's a cruel thing that our own mind plays this trick on us but there are ways to get past it. Be strong and have some self respect. Focus on yourself.

I like to keepit brief here. I just have lingering questions ... What is with the person that says they accept your apology and says they are willing to put it in the past and move on, but then use it every chance they in, or to start an argument?? And, this person NEVER apologizes... for anything...ever. What is WRONG with this person?

Thank you this was very helpful 🙂

This is what I'm fighting hard to avoid, but here I am ... ruminating and trying to make sense. I feel like clarity is what I need to move on.

We knew each other for 2 years before we dated. He seemed sincere and to have his *** together emotionally. And for the record ... he's 75. I'm 55. Yes I have certainly wondered if he is losing his mind. I have seen similar behaviour in people his age, men and women so maybe that's part of it.

You nailed it right on the head... he did a lot of deflecting and projecting. Everything name he called me or everything he accused me of was exactly what he felt about himself. It was so difficult to listen to and I could not make him see what he was doing ... to this day he's still playing the victim. I hope deep inside he actually does know that he's damaged.

I assure you he is not doing as well as he says he is, he is lying. Insecure people bring the same thing to every relationship. Trust me the reason he was so paranoid is because you INTIMIDATE HIM!! You are too good for him and he knows it. He went and found someone that he considers beneath him. You dodged a bullet move on and get the love you deserve from someone that adores you.

I have posted about the same topic in other topics but I am in need of some clarity. Why would someone who says they are committed to a relationship with you, and want to make it work, feel the need to paint you in the worst possible light to everyone he knows. To take every personal detail you've ever told them, all your weaknesses and twist them to make you look like an unstable person. To complain to everyone yet not say a word about their discontent to you. Not talk to you about ANYTHING that they were feeling, but constantly lean on other people. And seek out people who are not objective and who respond with hostility .... What is wrong with this person??!!! I think I know but it all just seems too hard to comprehend....

Oh thank you so much Cherylyn. You said the exact same things I've been trying to tell myself. He doesn't care about me and he never did and he's moved on and forgotten. I have to do the same thing. i don't care and I haven't for a while but the hurt and the shame still linger. And the anger but it's really not anger it's just pain. Do I know why he treated me like that? Yes I think I do, he is massively insecure. Do I hate him for it? No, how can I, he has demons. It's not my fault I was not equipped to deal with any of it. I don't think I even wanted to... It's really for the best that we are done and I can move on.

Sounds like his attempt at being funny, and he may not have meant anything by it. texting is the absolute worst way to convey humour. so many things are taken out of context. was there an emoji after it? I would say he has a poor sense of humour but harmless.... but look for more red flags.

Is is normal to think about your ex all the time? It has only been 2 months and we were only together a year and half of and on. It was very emotional and I did still love him but since then I see that I am better off I am ok with moving on. I'm dating and talking to some very nice people. Why is he on my mind pretty much 24/7? Not so much him, but the things he did and the way it still makes me feel. He was abusive verbally and emotionally and he broke me. Of course I'm still hurt but I want to put it all behind me and move on, find a nice person an have a healthy relationship. He's literally on my mind a soon as I open my eyes every damn day and all throughout the day. I still have dreams about him! Some are nice and some are about the abuse... I want to get on with my life and this may affect my ability to do so ...and he's still living rent free in my head with out my permission!!! Or at least the pain he caused is. But now I just don't care and I want to be free of it. I'd like to know if other people experience this as well?

Which is better?

Some people believe in the theory that the right person will come along when you least expect it, when you are not looking. Others say that you can't wait for things to happen you have to go out there and make it happen.... What do you think?? I'm doing a survey 🙂

I guess I have to forgive myself for letting it happen. I agree, and I have been ignoring and gone no contact. Twice he has tried to approach me and even shake my hand!! I sent him packing. I'm sure now he's saying that I'm bitter and holding a grudge and he's 'just trying to be nice' It's all part of the power play now that he has lost control. He will find someone else to manipulate. I feel like I've sent a strong enough message and I need to keep that going. THANK YOU!!

I don't know how to purge this.