Mammalyssa

Oh Lolita I alsonlike a no nonsense straight to the point man. I am like this myself so if theres a problem, get it out and let's sort that out. And yes.. while you're at it please throw me on the bed, tie me up, spank me and make me squeal. Oh my lord! One of the things that attracted me to my current partner is that he described himself as dominant. I thought that was in reference to the bedroom but turns out he meant in all areas. This would be fine apart from the the part where I do not wish to be directed and told what to do for every mundane task in the house or be criticised constantly and have a back seat driver commenting on every single turn and stop we make. Before all of that started I thought I had the perfect package. Turns out he was just being well behaved before showing the true colours. Unfortunately a lot of woman do like a certain level of arseholism in a man, and it's very difficult to find the right balance there if that's your preference. I'm also interested to hear from the men what they look for in a woman. I am guessing the ones on here are less than impressed when women are looking for these things when they are just trying to be a nice guy.

What are the things that make you say no thank you? For me it's No license, no job, living at home. Superficial or showy with money. And on a petty level .. when men wear polo shirts and tie a sweater around the shoulders. I just don't get it, it eludes to that pretentious superficial thing that I can't stand.

He was grooming you under the guise of friendship. You fell for it. Thats so deceitful! To both you and his wife! None of that was genuine. This man cheats on his wife - he is the lowest of the low. You need to turn that energy into being angry at him. Look at him now, you're pregnant so he's no longer interested. He was trying to lure you into bed my dear. And then once he achieved that and things started getting too serious or tricky he would have dumped you. Block him on social media and be done with him. What a nasty piece of work.

Wow thats so heavy.. it sounds like you had a really deep connection, but this is not the right time to be restarting a relationship. I supported my brother with alcohol and drug addiction by allowing him to live with me and my ex-husband/ children for two years. I can tell you first hand that you can love someone from afar and they can love you, but you are so powerless to help them. All the love in the world and they still have to fix those problems themselves. It's a roller-coaster of some windows of sobriety, failure, false promises and then the occasion where they look to blame you for their own mess. And of course lies, manipulation and for some people, stealing. The short version for my brother is that even though I put my life on hold for him for 2 years, he ended up in jail still. After 18 months clean he got out and restarted the cycle all over again. I felt it was my responsibility because he couldn't rely on our parents. In hindsight it wasn't my problem to bear at all. I'd love to be able to reassure you to say you can help him and he'll get better. But those are the lies we tell ourselves because we live in the hope of a beautiful future that never arrives. The reality he is in NOW. That's what you'd be living. Don't do it... it will undo everything good in your life.

Thats really really tough. But I think you're doing the right thing. 32 years old and married... enough is enough.

@Coily I think single mums saying those things is multi-layered. Yes some bitterness from an ex. But the other side to that is single mums often feel like their kids are viewed as baggage that scare men off. So part of that is actually to say I won't burden you with their needs, I won't ask you to be their parent and I won't ask you to pay their way. I've said some of those things myself but they don't come from a place of bitterness. I view my kids as my responsibility, and also my job to protect them from being hurt. Introducing a man is potentially going to cause hurt for the kids when things go wrong so it's a really tough one to balance. Even that scenario in itself is laced with what's not being said. The truth is if a single mum found the guy that stepped up and was everything she was looking for, I think she would embrace you putting your everything in. As for not wanting kids, that's a whole subject in itself regardless of whether they already have kids. People with no kids sometimes don't want any either, so if your wants are not compatible then that's just unfortunately the end of the road. When you do have kids already to someone else, another child changes everything. I won't do that to my children because I know they'd feel replaced by a whole new family. Some families make it work, some kids are scarred by it. My kids are 15 and 10 so there is no way I would want to start all over again either. That's a personal choice and I think it's wrong to be in a relationship where one person is forced to sacrifice what they wanted for the other.

I agree with others.. theres always the other tasks behind all the jobs. Planning birthdays and functions, organising childcare, pickups and drop offs. I mean you can do the jobs you're asked to do... and still leave her stressing over the life planning. Take on some of the planning and organising and see what happens. Consider what she does and being a team together.. what parts is she unsupported with? The biggest elephant in your room is actually being able to communicate together to sort this out properly.

You're repeating everything you've told yourself over and over as to why you can't leave. It's scary to leave. But eventually you have to ask how much disrespect can you tolerate? Leaving is a huge deal, it helps to have people, but when you don't.. you have to look at your options and make a plan. I left my husband after 14 years with no one, I just had to take my time to plan it.

I agree with a lot of your posts. Also this one. There seems to be a culture of expectation toward men from most women that I know. And from my perspective I feel that same expectation coming from men toward women. But. It's not all men. The 'nice guys' tend to get walked all over. They bend over backwards to accommodate a woman who then does not return the same level of kindness or effort. I think being able to challenge each other is important. A nice guy who's putting in all the effort in the world surely must be suppressing a disappointment in there somewhere. There's got to be more balance. We don't tend to talk much about having the ability to challenge each other. Calling out the other in a respectful way to help each other grow and make your bond closer doesn't seem to be a thing. In the situation I'm in... I'm with someone who is overly critical in all situations. It's a whole other story... its also unhealthy. Something I've learned from it is that I'm not perfect, and I did have plenty to learn. I've heard things about myself that I'd never considered before. I've had to reflect and work out what are my flaws (and what is him being an a hole. ) Anyway. I hear you. We need to have healthy expectation from the opposite sex. Not flighty fantasy of some knight in shining armour that needs nothing in return.

Absolutely not... I would never ever diminish myself to make someone else feel better. As a person I like to observe and get a good understanding of the situation around me, so I tend to quietly take in everything and I will hold back my opinions if there is someone loudly making a fool of themselves on a topic they clearly are uneducated about. I dont feel I need to correct people, others already see them for what they are. And in the dating game... if the man has just talked about himself and not asked enough of me to realise I'm intelligent straight up, then it leads to that point later where apparently they didn't realise there is some complex thought going on in there. 🙄 I will ask a lot of questions about them and people do love talking about themselves. When I met my current partner he asked me a whole lot about myself which was refreshing. Unfortunately things changed over time. Typically I will look for someone of equal intelligence because I absolutely love to have an in depth conversation or friendly debate. In the modern dating world I found men that were either all about the sex and didn't really know how to adult properly... or they actually were intelligent but treated me as though I was 'wrong' and they were 'right'. Mightier than though kind of attitude. And then I met some who downright became A Holes and would belittle me. I also met some who were nice but not intelligent enough to meet me on my level. I need an intellect, I get bored if I can't sit down and express my thoughts about current world issues & economics. I need someone that challenges me but also respects me. And that's actually the baseline of what I want in a relationship... someone who challenges me, respects me.... (and loves a good romp often because I'm super affectionate!) I think I'm a good catch really, who would think it's so hard!

Intelligence is an interesting one too. I generally listen a lot and smile. Have never had trouble attracting the men.. but I have been the sort to hold back my opinions and if the man has hold of the attention and you make them feel good that seems enough to them. However... when they realise I'm intelligent.. they are often 'surprised' . I'm usually offended that it's surprising to find an intelligent woman. It doesn't go far from there. The general consensus I have gained from men is that they don't like to have a woman that is smarter than them. That is generalising of course, but yes.. my experience quite often.

Ok, I'm trying again! It's really easy on this topic to blab about your own life!! Lol Modern life - millennial generation - online dating - women and careers - career or motherhood? Can you have both? Or can you just not have both, at the same time? I'm a gen Y and the differences in men in my generation are on thr edge of the change that came about. Some are progressive and understand that women want equality in relationships now. It's hard if you want that as a woman and can't get that. It's more acceptable to be a divorced, single woman now so that's also something to consider. You can def have a career and motherhood.. but it does cost you that time you could be spending with your kids. My mother had a career and I remember feeling like she had no time for us. She also propped up the family from financial ruin which now as an adult I can see was so important. And also so rare for her generation. I guess I took a leaf from her book. Is the modern man getting left out in the cold? Is online dating really good for us? Too much choice? All based on appearances? I dont think the modern man is left out because I think the modern man has also become as picky as women have about their life partner. People are looking for perfection in all areas whilst not being perfect themselves, so if it's harder these days.. perhaps people are not looking inward enough. Online dating makes things pretty easy, but also shallow/superficial. It's pretty lazy. I hated it and I met a few frogs. I still prefer going to the pub and meeting real people. Are we settling later in life - doing everything later. Is this making us happy, or discontent? Yes I notice this. People I went to school with are having babies now in their 30s. And I'm here with my 15 and 10 yr old. Whatever floats your boat... I probably had a crisis because I was too young and I felt I missed out on my young years. But I'm also grateful now that my kids are older and I'm getting some freedoms back. I'll be 45 when my youngest is 18, which I think is fabulous! I think people will be unhappy no matter what.. the grass is always greener isn't it.

I love this topic because I feel that I've lived both worlds of being a dependant wife and an independant woman. The short story is - was raised in an extreme religion and introduced to the man I'd marry at 19. I did this. Had no career and depended on him financially. Had a baby at 22 and another at 26. When I was caring for my first born I had the realisation that being financially dependant on my husband meant if anything ever went wrong for my daughter and I, we would be stuck. We were also very poor on one wage and at one point had to move back in with my parents after making a poor financial decision that pretty well ruined us. So with a 1 year old I studied nursing externally and full time. It was rough. My husband wasn't happy. He kept encouraging me to quit especially when I was struggling to cope with the pressure of studying. I almost gave in several times, but kept pushing through. Fast forward to the age of 33. I'd been working part time as a nurse for years and had still allowed my husband to make the decisions. He moved us interstate away from my family. I felt so isolated without any help, and I realised then how much I had relied on my mother for support with the kids. He did nothing to help me. I'd come home from work after doing a 40 min round trip to pick up the kids after work, to find he'd been sitting on the couch drinking since mid-day. Still leaving me to deal with the kids and leaving me to get dinner with a toddler screaming at my legs. My son was so very very clingy and temperamental, I really really struggled. At 31 I made a plan. I saved money and put it aside in another account. I bought random house items and put them away in a cupboard. And then when I was 33 and had saved 7k, I left him. Moved into a unit. I took only the queen sized bed from the spare room and the things I had stored away. I never took anything more from him because I wanted nothing from him. My husband and my 10yr old daughter were so devistated. Even 5 years later I know my husband still loves me. But I cannot and will not be with him again. I'm not a submissive wife. In the meantime... I made goals. I took my nursing career into aboriginal health where I moved into other areas. I ended up designing an emergency room for my employer and assisted with managing the operations and staffing of this when it was complete. From here they asked me to open a new clinic, which I designed and then managed. While working there I landed a job as a trek nurse. I started cross-fit to get super strong, then with my new job I trekked kokoda 3 times and Everest base camp once. Things were going so well - I bought a new car, built a house and studied a full time post grad degree in emergency nursing, all whilst being a single mum, as my ex husband had moved states and gone back to his mother. So with no family support I did it all and I felt like super woman. There was nothing I couldn't achieve. But.. all of this was so exhausting. My kids were living in a whirlwind of routine. Get up, breakfast, school, work, sports, home, dinner, crossfit home, bed. I didn't stop from 6am til 9pm every single day. My mum would fly up to help me when I had am overseas trek. I took out life insurance to ensure my kids would be set if I died. Yes I was crazy. I was proving a point to myself that I could do it all. But for what? I'm still this crazy but I have slowed it right down. I've achieved everything I could want to and still found myself stuck in an unbalanced relationship. This time it's me that's been the breadwinner, running my own business. And I'm having to make plans on how to not lose financially this time. There is a balance in there somewhere. But being financially independant as a woman is very empowering. I would never have it another way. It equates to freedom for me. Am still working out what the balance actually is. And I'd prefer not to be working it out by making mistakes, but we are an imperfect race with unique individuals. So no one can tell us what is right for each of us. I dont know if my story answers your questions, I may have to try again! Lol

I dont know if it'll make you feel any better... but it also happens in the opposite way to what's happened to you. I've fallen in love twice when I wanted to keep it casual. Both of these men aligned themselves with my values so that I admired them and let my guard down... and then turned out to be the complete opposite. Even abusive. If he chose someone over you.. think of it as the trash taking itself out. He didn't care for you in the same way you did him. He's not worth your time and energy. Thank goodness it didn't turn into a relationship that would break you after a few years instead. I find life has a way of delivering things to you to teach you something. If you don't learn that lesson life will keep presenting the same lesson to you. I'm hoping I've learned enough lessons too... its hard. You deserve better. X

Have you not heard the saying... sometimes it's easier to ask forgiveness than ask permission! Lol

@mylolita I would also like to see your last post go up as a new thread as it would be very interesting to read the replies, but I think could turn into a long one! I will hold off replying in anticipation of a nice juicy thread :)

Lol... I've enjoyed the 14 pages of back and forth.. not necessarily stayed on topic but how interesting are the different point of views that are so varied by people's life experiences!

2 months in... I wouldn't even want to meet his friends and family that early.

@Kwothe28 is exactly on the money... my post was formed out of the language used.. clearly the OP is upset that they have a DIFFERENT opinion. Doubtful that anyone saying he should ignore them is the advice he is looking for. He's looking for people to agree with HIS opinion and back up his rage that such opposition exists. Nobodies advice here is going to be taken on board.

So sorry I overlooked that there were 3 pages of replies. I only read the first page before replying so have repeated what others have said. Sounds like you're on the right track. Well done! X

I think your wife is over reacting due to the fact that you are addressing and trying to improve the boundaries with your mother, which is what your wife requested. This is to be applauded, well done on having the ability to self reflect! In terms of being afraid to bring it up... that's a bit of a worry. But it can be done in a positive manner. How about.. Hey babe I am really conscious of your feelings toward my mother so I've been trying to work on the boundaries like you asked me to. I'd love to chat about this so that we are both on the same page and so that you know you are my priority. Then ask her what are her expectations in terms of frequency of contact. And when that conversation is going well acknowledge to her that you can see your mother has been rude and difficult to her in the past, and that you hope that if you and your wife have a strong enough bond together, that she will feel more supported when you do have to spend time with your parents. I have to say when I was married, my MIL did not like me just because I was with her son. He was the baby boy and a mammas boy. Her and her 2 daughters were awful to me. My husband never stood up for me or defended me when she was nasty to me, which I would expect as his wife. If he hadve just been on side with me I would have felt so much better. Instead I felt alone and isolated when we had to see them. I would have liked him to ask me at the end of the day if I was okay and for feedback on how he handled certain situations. Previous trauma for your wife definately affects how she is reacting today. I think if you gave her the acknowledgement she needs about it all she'd feel so much better. I bet a million times over that your wife wants you to step in and correct your mother when she is mean to your father. I bet she would LOVE to see that you support the rest of the family in that way...

@Batya33 there is absolutely no need for you to apologise! Lol Im in australia, so I am guessing everyone's experience differs. And yes, I too would not be keen on someone who doesn't have an open mind about experiencing different lifestyles. I think that's why my opinion about having a licence is so strong.. I would like to think the person I'd date would be broad minded and ready to say yes to exciting and new opportunities or experiences. If you custom your lifestyle to limit any change then that's a little off putting. Country vs city life is definately a whole other topic!!

Well I am going to be the bad one here as I won't agree with the others on this one.... Your comments such as "that level of idiocy" etc (there's more than one occasion) shows a disrespect for someone who holds a different opinion to you. That in itself is an issue. People can have different opinions to each other without being disrespectful. I get it that if they're on a tyrade and you're one against a whole group, you can't really have a healthy, respectful and friendly debate. But regardless of the topics at hand, the point of respecting different opinions applies to absolutely everyone. My whole approach to life is to give respect to others, but also expect respect in return. If they are disrespectful toward you, this is reason to be unhappy with them. However if you are disrespectful in the way you share your opinion when that time comes, then you are simply receiving what you're dishing out. Be grateful for people that question the norm. Science is based on testing and questioning theories. Opposing political teams have a job to question and oppose the other side. Progress in society is only made through questioning, oppositing and testing. Having a heard mentality and never questioning anything is the cause of complacency and tyranny and third world issues. There is nothing wrong with saying to them.. I hold a different opinion to you, but that's okay because we are free to hold our own beliefs and co-exist respectfully.

I've seen this same behaviour in my 27 yo cousin, who has no life skills because his mother does everything for him. She asks us to 'look after him' if she's going away somewhere and our last response to that was... he's a 27 yr old man, he doesn't need a babysitter! However... I have realised that as much as I try to encourage him he still sits back and allows his mother to baby him. It's all he's known and it's what he's comfortable with. What it will take is for HIM to make the big moves. I totally understand your concern, but by trying to intervene on the sidelines your brother now has two sets of people trying to make decisions for him. If he ever wants to be free and independent he will have to do this one on his own. All you can do is keep encouraging him.

Well just to throw this out there as a country girl. I find city living to be a cold and lonely experience (I lived in a city for 2 years). People weren't friendly, and looked at me like I was odd if I were friendly. No one made eye contact walking through streets. No one stopped to help someone in need. I cant imagine how hard it would be to find someone compatible to share life with if I stayed in the city. Country all the way. Probably not related to the OP and tinder but anyway. That's my thoughts.