Hi, When I was younger, I was abused sexually. The problem is, it is effecting my life now. I am having problems in my relationship. I trust him... But I don't at the same time. I don't really know how to. I love him and I want to be able to have a healthy sexual relationship with him, but I am scared of sex. It seems to be something that is done to me, that I have little control over, rather than something I do, or as an expression of love. I feel alone most of the time, depressed, I have panic attacks at times, I self injure a lot. I just want to feel normal.
I was about 3 the first time. I was at a daycare at the church. I was to young to remember much. There is a doctor report that I read. It never went to trial, because back then a child had to be put on the stand. I wasn't even 3. They felt it would do more harm then good.
The next time, I had just turned 12. It was a principal at my school. Went on for about a year and a half till my parents pulled me out because I kept flipping out. I got pregnant durring that time, had an abortion, and just got pretty much screwed up. I never told my parents. I told my best friend at the time. Her and her sister drove me out of state to a small, abortion clinic. I don't think it was a real clinic. It was in the back of a house. I got a second term surgical abortion. It wasn't the most sterile though, I guess, as I got an infection that caused scar tissue so I can't get pregnant later on if I want. My friend and her sister drove me him. I just laid in the back seat crying. To numb to really remember what happened. At least that part was over. He started taking me to his house. Me and 1 other girl. She killed herself not long ago, I heard. I dunno, sometimes I really want to join her. A lot of stuff happened there. Some videos, pictures, more sexual abuse, and some forsed sex acts with animals. I wanted to die every day when I came home from school. I used to sit in the bathroom washing blood, and other things out of my panties. I would just sit there crying and numb. I couldn't throw them out. My mom would notice, when I needed new ones every other week. I started cutting myself then. The first time I just went crazy. Damn near cut my arm off. Then I landed myself in a mental hospital. That was no help. I was out in a week, and I just had a creepy guy nurse or something watch me while i went to the bathroom and showered because I was a "suicide threat". Everyone knows most cutters aren't suicidal.
I don't reallly remember to much of what happened anymore. I blocked a lot out. I mainly see it in my dreams. I guess that is what drug clouded sleep is for. I blocked a lot out at the time though. I would disconnect from my body sort of. I remember sitting there thinking of stupid little songs like itsy bitsy spider and other stuff just to get my mind to leave.
I guess it could be worse. I just needed to talk. Gonna go do my ussual thing in a few minutes. Take some pills. Try to sleep. Pray for no tomorrow. Or even just to get through the night with no dreams. I haven't slept in about a week. I only got a while left anyways. How long before I completely lose it? Well your guess is as good as mine. But sanity slowly slips ever further from my grasp. How long till the taste of the gun is no longer a fantisy but a truth?
