ShySoul

Shy, introverted guy here. There's no way to tell exactly what he's thinking, but if he's like me or most introverted guys I've spoken with, you're doing fine. We don't mind talking and it can actually be a relief when a lady takes the initiative and approaches us. We may be a little slow to responds at first. We are often in our own heads and focused on what we were doing. If you message at work, he may be absorbed in his job and not thinking of chatting. On the way home he might be taking time to destress from work, hence the headphones to block people out. We also don't expect people to talk to us as we try to keep to ourselves and not have idle chitchat. So don't take it personal if he is a little slower to respond. 

The good news is he has responded to you. Keep talking to him. Gradually an introvert will open up as they become more comfortable with a person. You don't need to be nervous, odds are he is nervous enough for the both of you. Just be friendly and kind. Since he's new, offer to help him out if he has any questions. Make a point to stop by and say hi. See if you can find a topic you have in common or find something he's into that you're curious about and ask him about it. When it's a topic they are passionate about, an introvert can get quite talkative. 

Overall, I'd say to just keep it casual and let things progress as they happen.  You're doing good, so don't worry.

Relationships are based on far more then sex. Make clear from the start that you are after something more meaningful and deeper. Don't have sex until you are in a committed relationship. If they respect you enough to wait, that's a good sign. If they badger you for more, then they prove they aren't in it for the right reasons and not worth the time. 

Listen to your heart and your instincts. Know your values and stick to them. Don't allow anyone to pressure you or make you feel uncomfortable.

And even though I doubt memoriah will see a post that's a year old, if she reads this I hope she is doing better.

On 5/28/2024 at 12:42 PM, JamesTaylor7892 said:

However a month ago she broke it off citing the upcoming divorce as a reason feeling 'overwhelmed' and 'needing space.'

On 5/28/2024 at 12:42 PM, JamesTaylor7892 said:

but I'd be lying if I said that the stories I were posting weren't anything to do with showing that I was doing okay, when in reality I wasn't really.

I think she's being honest. Going through a "messy" divorce brings out a lot of conflicting emotions. It wouldn't have been good for either of you to start something serious until she has worked through the previous relationship. I've seen people rush into something else and its generally not pretty. Having space is for the best.

I think she still cares about you and wants to be friends or more. Hence why she would read your posts. It was a way to feel like you were still a part of her life. But then the posts starting hurting her more then helping. It was reminding her that she couldn't be with you right now. It was distracting her from healing on her own with the divorce. By your admission the stories were trying to show you as over her and having a great time. She might have taken that as you didn't want her so figured it's better to not follow you and open herself to all these feelings. Rather then be childish, it might have been protection.

The divorce is causing her to question herself. She thought she had everything figured out and had a future layed out. Now she isn't sure what she wants or what to do. She needs to figure herself out before she can have any relationship, you or otherwise. 

The question for you to figure out is if you want to leave the door slightly open or close it entirely. Would you be open to having her in your life, on any level? Doesn't mean she will come back, but if she did, how would you respond? And if you did close the door, which you are entitled to do, recognize its a choice you are making for you, not because of her.

As someone who chickened out many times, it's an easy thing to do. Try not to feel bad about it or have any regrets. Just tell yourself you'll get it next time. And I'm sure there will be a next time before you know it.

You can't get rid of feelings or make yourself forget. Nor do I think you would want to outside the most extreme circumstances. Forgetting would mean losing out on not just the bad memories, but the good ones as well. It would mean losing out on the knowledge that for that short time you shared something special and were cared for. If you shared something with this person that has caused you to have such deep feelings, that's a rare and special thing that should be celebrated, not forgotten. 

The key is to be able to create a distance from those feelings so that they don't overwhelm you and cause you to spiral into wanting them back. It's learning that you can still enjoy the memories while leaving them in the past and embracing something new in the present and future. And it's using the bad experiences to grow and learn from so that the same mistakes aren't made in future, hopefully even better, relationships.

On 5/28/2024 at 11:09 AM, waffle said:

But I'm not sure how I would reach out without it looking like I'm sniffing around.  Which I'm not, I'm very happily involved with someone else. 

Unless you start calling constantly, stalking accounts, contacting all his friends to ask about him, etc., it's doubtful he would find that sniffing around. Odds are it will appear just like it is, an old friend reaching out to get back in touch. If you want to reach out, do it for you regardless of what he might think about it. 

Personally, I get the point of no contact and if it helps someone lessen their pain then its great for them. And there are some people and circumstances that you should never get in touch with them again. But I also think there is a point where being able to talk to them again is the best therapy. It's that final signal that you are over it and have moved on. It's a way of closing the door for good, knowing they have no power over you even when they are right in front of you.

It's a different experience for everyone. Do what feels right to you.

On 5/27/2024 at 1:22 AM, Streetchatella said:

He agrees he needs to work on himself but we drift into the everyday constant very quickly, no actions are taken. 
I agree there is a lot to unpack and sometimes I feel like nothing will really change if I do not take drastic steps and perhaps leave with the baby for a bit. There is nothing I’d love more than for my son to grow up in a respectful and stress-free home where not only one but both of his parents know how to set boundaries. 

You have very valid concerns and are reading this situation well. He has not worked out all the issues this relationship has brought up and caused within him. Even if he doesn't want to be with her, the anger and hurt caused by her cheating has left a scar that he hasn't been able to heal. He rejected his family for her and in return got betrated multiple times. That has to mess with you on an intense personal level. 

This is why it's better to wait until you've fully healed before committing to another relationship. The baggage you bring into the relationship isn't fair to the other person and is likely to cause more drama and problems.

It's sweet and noble that you want to help him. It shows how much you love and care for him. But this is his issue to solve. He knows that as well. Until he actively works on it, things won't change. The only thing you can do is try to be supportive and help him through it. Approach him honestly with compassion. It sounds like you are. Let him know that when he responds with anger, how it hurts and scares you. Let him know your concerns for the chidren. Make clear you aren't trying to hurt him and don't want to cause drama. Tell him you are trying to prevent drama by handling why these things keep happening in the first place. 

Hopefully he will respond to that. If he doesn't, say you've reached a point where you are considering leaving/taking a break. Be honest with him. Tell him how much you want to make things work, but that you can't do it yourself and say what you need from him. Sometimes the possibility of losing  everything can push a person into actions they weren't willing to take.

You are strong for enduring this. I hope both of you are able to work together and get through this.

You've done the mature, responsible adult thing. You were incredibly fair and gave her multiple opportunites. You were nice and tried not to hold things against her. You did everything you could. If she reacts poorly and can't accept responsibility on her end, that's on her. Let it be. You are better off without that negativity in your life. 

Can you cancel the trip to save money? Or find someone else to go? Even go alone. Enjoying yourself would be the best payback for her behavior. You get to have fun while she gets to miss out.

Why do you need to wait for him to come to you? It's 2024. Why not go to him?

If you want him in your life more, let him know. Offer to go to lunch or have a drink. You're friends, so think of something you have in common and plan to do it together. When he leaves the job, make sure you have his contact information and make a point to stay in touch. 

What anyone else thinks is irrelevant. What counts is what the two of you think. If you believe there is a chance for more, take a risk and make a move. Otherwise you will be eternally waiting for something that may never happen. At least this way, you'll know and be able to say you tried. It's better then possible living with regret of not saying or doing anything.

Theres also a chance he does have an inferiority complex. I've been the guy to think someone is out of my league and let it scare me into inaction. I've known plenty of other guys to do that. Maybe he is self concious or shy and is trying to stop all the talk amongst the coworkers. I certainly wouldn't want my coworkers commentating on my love life. Or maybe something happened to him that has made him nervous about pursuing someone.

Make the first step. See how he responds. Take it from there. 

Kevon, Rainbows gave you some great advice. I've also known people who have been helped through a Church community. Sometimes just having more understanding and supportive people around you in no pressure situations can be a great benefit.

In case you are of a non-religious nature though, I'd recommend just volunteering in general. Take the bad experiences you had and use it to motivate you to help others who are also struggling. That's helped me when I wanted to give up. I wanted to make sure no one had to feel the way I felt. Plus it reminds you that there are good people out there and things with living for.

3 hours ago, catfeeder said:

Each is not a 'test' of your value--that's intrinsic to you, and it's unique. The only test is whether each stranger matches not only compatibility with you, but whether you share simpatico. And THAT is rare. And it's supposed to be rare. If finding love were easy, what would be so special about it?

Worth repeating. How many dates you get or how far those dates go doesn't define a person or say anything about their worth. The only person who should define what value we have, is ourselves. 

And when you do find love, it won't matter how many dates you went on or how "successful" you were. All that matters is that connection with the right person.

Guess I still believe in Fairytails.... even though I'm cursed.

10 hours ago, kevon said:

true. but i have the feeling, if i dont engage with the outside world, i would only hang out online or inside the flat. atm i dont have much, which is fun and engaging. there are severe depressed episodes of mine, which is why iam just glad i have enough money just to support myself. work, gym, sleep, nothing else. i sometimes get excited about a woman only to get rejected and the depression cycle begins again.

Go at your pace and do what you feel you have the energy for. If that means online and inside, that is fine. There was a time that's all I had the energy for. I still prefer to do that. Most days for me are work, solo activies at home, sleep. And that's also fine because I am enjoying that time alone. It's better for me then forcing myself into social situations that I don't have the energy to deal with. 

Do what you want. Don't feel pressured to do anything if you aren't up for it and don't do things because you feel you need to. Trying to force yourself into something because you fear how you would feel if you don't is likely to backfire and make you feel worse. So find one thing, no matter how small, that is fun and engaging. 

Oh, and I agree there can be a lot of toxic behavior online. But there are also a lot of really good people. You might have to be careful about where you go or who you are around, but I'm sure you could find some people into the same things you are.

Please don't give up. As painful as life can be, there can be moments of happiness. I agree with TeeDee, focus on having gratitude for the bright spots. Make a list. They don't have to be huge, life altering things. Start small. Find anything that makes you smile. It can be a song that puts you in a good mood, a show that makes you laugh. It can be a peaceful walk or relaxing bubble bath. Point is to fill your mind with postive things that uplift you rather then drowning in your misery.

I'm sorry to hear you were abused. No one should ever have to put up with that. I don't know the details and won't pretend I understand what you are feeling. But I do understand two things. One, it wasn't your fault. You did not cause it to happen, it was the other person that choose to do so for whatever reason. And two, you survived. If the world is survival of the fittest, then that must be a sign of how fit you are. You didn't give up and roll over. You are still here fighting, no matter how tiring the fight is. I actually think those who undergo adversity, who find themselves struggling like you are, are the strongest people of all. Those who have it easy don't often appreciate all they have. But those who struggle for it, can appreciate it better. One day things will turn around and when it does you will know just how special it all is because of everything it took to get there.

9 hours ago, kevon said:

if people or women despise and ignore you, there must be severely wrong with you, iam 35 and iam not sure, if fixing is even possible. if friends stopped caring or helping, i feel like i overstepped my time on this planet and feel absolutely devastated and worthless.

I've had a couple people who I felt despised me. It wasn't me though. It was there jealousy of me and their own insecurities. That was backed by the fact that these people had problems with everyone around us. Meanwhile, no one had a bad thing to say about me. Likewise, I've had friends and family ignore me. Sometimes I feel as if I'm invisible in the world. But I do know that at least some of them care about me, even if they aren't always good about showing it.

One of the hardest things I've learned is that often things that happen to us have nothing to do with us. Often people become so focused on them that they don't realize the effect they might be having on someone else. People become busy with their own lives and struggles. They don't understand the issue because their mind cant wrap itself around what we are feeling or going through. They are just too tired to deal with it. But that's on them. It doesn't mean we are worthless or responsible. 

You can't control what others do. You can only control what you do. So focus on doing what makes you feel better.

13 hours ago, VXR876 said:

3 of my dates who I got on extremely well on text and phone calls prior to a date have told me that im a really great guy who will make any woman happy ( obviously not her though ) 2 other said the date felt more like a counselling session, 3 were catfish and / or married, 1 said I could've been her ex's twin with my mannerisms and looks and she couldn't past that and the last decided to take advice from her son claiming that the texting was too intense.

Three that were catfish/married clearly wasn't anything you did. Be glad you got away and don't give them a second thought.

Three that sad you were a great guy was most likely just a case of things not working out. Realistically, you are going to truly connect with very few people. If you choose to date in this manner, odds are you will find more misses then hits. That's not something to be fustrated and may have nothing to do with you. It's simply how things work.

The twin one - again, not something you can control.

As for the other three, how truthful and honest are you being? Are you unloading your entire history and backstory at once? If so, that would be a lot for a person to take in and is likely to push them away. It would be intense and would seem like a counseling session. The person is not applying to me a therapist that wants to know everything about you. They are trying to get to know someone naturally and have fun together.

You are not a failure Ten dates is more then some people get. I just think you could benefit from slowing down and taking things as they come. Topics will naturally come up in the course of conversation. When they do, answer honestly. But it's not a lie to hold off on a subject or want until you are both more comfortable. The goal is to get to a second date, and when you do, you still want to have something to talk about. If you're letting everything out at the start, you're not leaving anything for the future.

“Or at school you might have been prodded to come “out of your shell”—that noxious expression which fails to appreciate that some animals naturally carry shelter everywhere they go, and that some humans are just the same.”

“We have two ears and one mouth and we should use them proportionally.”

“It’s not that I’m so smart,” said Einstein, who was a consummate introvert. “It’s that I stay with problems longer.”

“Or you’re told that you’re “in your head too much,” a phrase that’s often deployed against the quiet and cerebral. Of course, there’s another word for such people: thinkers.”
― Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

5 hours ago, Kwothe28 said:

For example she cries because she got caught and wants to manipulate you. Not because she is truly sorry. Because if she truly is, she would take some accountability. Which she just doesnt do.

11 hours ago, Lonelybb said:

She says she wants to get back together with me and that she won't repeat the mistakes she made

She admitted to making mistakes and said she wouldn't repeat them. Isn't that taking accountability? Sounds like in the moment she, as a lot of people tend to do, tried to avoid conflict and deny. But with time and faced with the possibility of losing everything, she owned up and accepted responsibilty for her actions. She did all she could at the moment in writting him a letter apologizing. Anything else she could do would be dependent on him taking her back and giving her the chance to make it up to him.

None of us are in her head or knows her motivations. None of us can say with certainty she is sincere or being manipulative. The only one who can decide what he thinks and what he is willing to do is lonelybb.

She was on a dating app when she was supposed to in a relationship with you. She didn't tell an ex she was in a relationship and didn't immediately turn down his advance.

You spied on her by looking through her computer. You didn't tell her you knew about the ex and decided it was better to test her response then talk about it as a couple. You are the one accusing her of using you for citizenship, despite having no proof of that.

Both of you have made mistakes and could have handled this better. Both of you either lied or choose to omit some very important facts. No one here is completely innocent or guilty. No one is completly the bad guy or the victim. 

Are we even sure she cheated? Who were those messages to and what was in them? And did she actively encourage the ex's affections or was it a friendship in her eyes that she was worried you would flip out about based on your prior reaction? Not saying she was right in keeping it a secret, but there could be an explanation other then her cheating on you.

The main issue here is broken trust. Neither of you have demonstrated you fully trust the other enough to be completely honest. She is saying she wants to work on it. So do you? If she was completely open wth  you, do you believe you could trust her? Do you believe you could be completely open with her? If you answer yes, you'll need to talk it over with her and agree to complete honesty and no secrets. 

13 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I recently read The Christie Affair which was very interesting -it's a novel.

I heard about it. Based on her actual disappearance where she was found with amensia checked into a hotel under the name of her husbands mistress. Up to her death she never said much about what happened to her. Will always be the one mystery of hers that never gets solved.

There was also film based on the events back in 1979 with Dustin Hoffman and Vanessa Redgrave.

https://www.imdb.com/title/tt0078736/

In my life I've been hammered by some heavy blows
That never knocked me off my feet
All you gotta do is smile at me and down I go

10 hours ago, smackie9 said:

Dude you only give them two chances. Sure some people will cancel last min for whatever reason, but if they start giving you excuses about how "unavailable" they are, ditch them.

So three strikes and you're out? Curious, if the reason is valid, does that still count against them, even if it is something they couldn't control? Wouldn't that be more like a ball instead of a strike, to keep the baseball metaphor? 

I think it depends on the circumstances. What one person sees as an excuse, another person might not. They might think its a legitimate reason. And even if it is an excuse, I still wouldn't ditch them. Wouldn't that just be doing to them what they did to you? If it was so wrong for them, how would it not be wrong for you?

When it happened to me I didn't ditch her. I called her out on it. I talked it over with her and explained how hurtful it was. And she realized she was wrong, said she was sorry, and next time kept her word to me. Ditching her would have caused me to miss what was at the time one of the best weekend of my life. 

Yes, if it's a continued pattern then don't accept it. If the person gets an attitude and can't see whats wrong with the behavior, then don't stick around. But I really think talking things over can solve so many more problems that people are unwilling to even try to solve. 

19 hours ago, MrNobody1111 said:

I ended things because I found her attitude about planning a date highly disrespectful. She even admitted that she lost interest after the first date, but decided to keep that to herself until I explicitly ended things with her. So this was never really going anywhere from the beginning and I was just wasting my time.

Sounds like she wasn't exactly your type then and the date wasn't as great as you initially thought. You made the right choice then. I tend to be more forgiving and understanding then most and like to try everything possible before moving on. It's worked for me as this worked for you. To each their own.

12 hours ago, Batya33 said:

I don't think he needed to show concern that she chose to get drunk and obviously had these typical consequences.  She acted in a thoughtless way about his time.

Yes, she did act thoughtless. No, he didn't need to show concern. But I would have just out of concern for her, because I would have wanted to. He made it sound like the first date was this amazing experience and they really connected. If it was someone that I was starting to feel strongly for, I'd be concerned about any signs of trouble not just for me, but for her as well. 

Having seen alcohol wreck lives of multple people I've loved and cared for, I'm probably more sensitive to it. My first thought was wondering why she feels the need to get drunk in the first place. If it had been me I wouldn't have continued with her either, as I see she doesn't match my values. But I would have said something. Drinking until your hungover the entire next day isn't normal or healthy. Her behavior could have far worse consequences then being rude to a potential romantic partner.

You do not need Instagram to date. Nor do you Facebook, X, TikTok, a Pinterest page, a Youtube channel, Twitch channel, a LinkedIn profile, a dating App (pick whichever one you want), Snapchat, or any other form of social media. Today's world is so bombarded with these things that for some they take it for granted that everyone will have it and be on a half dozen of these platforms every moment of their life. But no one needs to be on any of them if they don't want to be. And you can certainly meet people without them. People managed to date and have relationships for millenia without them. It's still possible.

People should do what they want. If you want to put up pictures, do it for yourself. If you don't want to, don't do it. Do what makes you happy and what is fun for you. If it feels like an obligation or requirement, it's probably not for you and wouldn't be useful to you anyway.

FYI, I agree with you. If you want to have a conversation, get a number and call so you actually talk to the person. I'd rather hear a voice then stare at another screen. 

When a person says something, it's just as much about them as it is you. Often it's more about them then you.

For whatever reason, she feels the need to be in control of things. It may be the ADHD. It may be past experiences that have caused her to believe things will go wrong if not done in precisely the way she says. She may internally feel a lack of control in her life so tries to overcompensate by controlling the things she can. You, as the person nearest to her, end up getting the brunt of he commands/complaints. But it's not about you. Don't take it personally, she would treat anyone who happens to be there the same way. It also doesn't mean she doesn't trust or like you. That she is your roommate and asks you do to things probably, in her mind, is a sign that she does like and trust you as much as she can anyone. There's just a difference in how you both express and interpret things.

This may seem silly, but is it possible to have separate items and storage? And different schedules? If you each have your own dishes and are responsible for them, then you can each wash them however you want. Workout a schedule for who is responsible for what and when they'll be doing it. Then just don't interfere with the other person's belongings. 

5 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

One of my friends periodically goes through phases like this where he'll insist that some woman is interested and it's a matter of time before she abandons her boyfriend in favour of him.

I think there are levels to how people feel. To convince yourself that the woman is going abandon the boyfriend because she is secretly in love with you is carrying on a delusion and is unhealthy. It's also not genuine love for the person because you are placing your desire for the relationship above the well being of the woman you are supposed to care about.

But you can still be in love with someone who is taken and approach it from a healthier point of view. You can recognize that, at this point in time, you can't be with them. You can still have some hope that might one day change. And you can still move forward and have a happy, productive life doing what you love. If you're heart isn't ready to give up, trying to force it to won't work. I've actually known it to backfire and cause feelings to even deepen.

17 minutes ago, AndyPandy said:

you're missing out on meeting someone who would be interested in a romantic scenario with you and it's likely that you've overlooked admirers and potentials during the past eight years.

On 5/25/2024 at 10:53 PM, rabbitrok said:

In the past 8 years I haven't even been interested in anyone else. Yes I have been on dates but they never really go past date one

He's not overlooking potential partners though. He has been on dates. He has tried to find someone and people have been interested in him. But he isn't interested in them. If he hasn't come across the right person, then he hasn't come across the right person. When the heart is ready, and the right person is there, I'm sure he'll know. If he hasn't met anyone else that he can see himself with, then that's just how it is, not necessarily any sign of unhealthy behavior.