ShySoul

Marmar, if that is what happened, then you have every right to be upset with him. How old are you? How much experience do you have with being physically close to a guy? Sounds like you were scared and froze. That's not consent in any form. 

If a guy is willing to act in a way that scares you, doesn't ask permission or care if you are a willing participant, and then pressures you into to doing it again in order to please him.... Why would you want him anywhere near you? A man should be doing everything he can to make a woman feel loved, safe, and secure. He should want her to want to share those experiences together, in a way that they both can enjoy. You deserve better.

Sex should be a willing act for both persons involved. If you didn't want it before and don't want it now, then don't have it. You made very clear before that you wanted to wait for marriage. So stick to that belief and don't give in. Any man who is worth your time will respect that and not try to pressure you into something you aren't comfortable with. If there is any hesitation or doubt in your mind, then you shouldn't be having sex. That's all there is to it. When you are ready you will know. Clearly, you are hesitating, so you shouldn't be having it and if he doesn't respect that, he is not someone you should be with.

As for what he said, you are not husband and wife. It doesn't sound like you fear sex, just that you want to wait to have it. And he is making it all about making him happy. What about what makes you happy? He doesn't seem to care about what you want, which is a warning sign. Stop seeing him, for everyone's sake. 

Lolita, as the baby of the family (even over 40 I think I'm still viewed as the baby in the family), I wish I had an older sibling that was that concerned and protective of me. It's touching that you care that much.

Given who she is, yes you have the right to worry. Worrying is what a good sibling does. Unfortunately, as I've learned and as everyone else has pointed out, people are going to do what they are going to do. You can't control it or change it. If you see something serious and can point to facts, I'd say it just have it out there and give them something to think about. She will probably ignore it. She might turn it around on you. But trust your instinct. If it's something you feel needs to be said, say you're piece as calmly and factually as possible. Then leave it be. She knows what she is doing and is going to make her choices based on what she wants, regardless what anyone tells her. The best hope is that somewhere in her your voice will stick with her and maybe lead her to healthier decisions when she is ready to listen to it someday.

In my experience, what people are looking for most is for you to be there when something happens and they need that extra support. I've had family literally say to me "it's my mistake to make." (Which makes no sense to me. You admit it's a mistake, but you want to do it anyway?). I've been yelled at for trying to tell people what to do when I was only pointing out how their action was hurting them and the ones around them. They go ahead and do something I could see was a mistake a mile away. And shock, it turns out to be a mistake. But I just stay supportive and try to be understanding. When they come to me crying or upset, I lend a hand where I can. You can't control someone's actions or stop them from doing something they are determined to do. But you can be the loving and caring one they trust to turn to when they are ready.

15 hours ago, Cynder said:

I tried to say something else and she was like, "I like you a lot better when you're not talking."

I don't even know her and I think I like her better when she's not talking. 

She sounds like the kind of person who always has to have an opinion on everything, and that opinion is always right. Wait, you have facts that disprove her? Well the facts are wrong because she is always right. And how dare you question her. Those are really annoying and sad people. Be glad you don't have to put up with her any more. Though she does sound like a fountain of ideas for you to create stories from. Can't wait to read about a reverse osmosis water filtering conspiracy. 

3 hours ago, Cynder said:

She used to tell stories about all the times she spit in people's food and stuff

It's interesting how much people like her project things onto others. She would do something so disgusting, so in her mind everyone does it and thus she can't trust others handling her food. Yet they never stop to think about their own actions.  

4 hours ago, Cynder said:

Yesterday I got up in the afternoon and there was a full spread in the kitchen that he made.  He had BBQ ribs, potato salad, etc. 

If you can't eat it all, I'd be happy to take some. Think I got hungry just reading about it. 😉

nattz4512, I'm sorry you feel so many people lead you astray and told you that you were to blame. There are far to many out there who don't really talk the time to listen and instead jump to their own conclusions. Always follow your instinct, you know in her heart what is best for you. And contrary to what some will say, therapy isn't always the right answer either. It takes the right therapist matched with the right person at the right time. As you've learned, therapists don't always know what they are talking about. In the end, the person that knows us best is us. And the person who will ultimately make us happy, is also us.

It's okay to feel like you were a victim. Those are your feelings and you are entitled to them. I just don't want to see you start playing victim. I have seen people who have been hurt and used by others and they start using it as a justification for their own destructive behavior. It becomes easier to blame others then take action on their own to improve their life. Whatever thrill they get from that doesn't last and the person is still sad and depressed. I'm not saying you are doing this or would. I've just dealt with this from people I care about, so don't want to see you fall into that same trap. And under your circumstances, that could be something a person would fall into.

Is there an option of finding another place? Maybe a community for people with similar physical or mental conditions? It might help if you had people around who understood what you were going through. And you wouldn't have to see the guy anymore.

There are ways to volunteer even if it is online. Perhaps doing something for a cause you find worthwhile can help uplift your spirits and make the time a little less lonely.

And as silly as it may sound, have you considered a pet? They can bring a sense of connection and joy into a person's life, particularly if you don't have anyone else other then your mother. 

On 4/4/2024 at 10:00 AM, Absy said:

Now, three to four days later, I feel really sad, and everything reminds me of her. I'm even questioning if I made the right decision by cutting contact... It made me more sad and angry, not the fact that she's with someone now, but the fact that she wasn't honest with me and told me the truth even after asking her so many times about it. 

I keep thinking maybe somewhere along the line I did something wrong or maybe I played my cards wrong with her, especially since at the beginning she showed a lot of interest in me.

Those are all the natural feelings I would imagine most people would be going through. It's tough when things don't work out. Everything does remind you of the person. You question every little decison and actions, wondering what happened or if you did the right thing. You blame yourself for things that weren't wrong or you had no control over. And the lies are always the most painful part.

Her feelings are her own and her actions were her decision. Nothing you could have said or done would have guaranteed this to work out. You could have done everything perfect, been the ideal gentleman in every way, and she still could have made the same choices. So don't beat yourself up over it. You tried your best and it didn't work out. Take the time you need to grieve/heal. Know you will survive the rollercoaster of emotions that comes with things ending. And know there is something better out there, Keep the faith.

11 hours ago, lost-in-love said:

I agree that avoidance is not a solution but I cannot have a regular conversation with her unless she wants it. If she has put a wall and her attitude shows that she doesn't want to talk with me attempting a conversation will only make it worse.

True. A conversation/friendship has to be equal with both sides contributing. If she is not willing to try and puts up a wall, then it doesn't make much sense to keep bumping into that wall. I wouldn't call that avoiding then. You made the effort to be civil which is all that can be expected of you. She's the one that is putting the breaks on things. So take heart in knowing you tried your best, but that sometimes things aren't meant to be. If she doesn't seem to really want this friendship, contrary to what she said, then you are under no obligation to keep trying. Be polite if your paths cross, but don't expect anything or feel you have to do anything. Take care of yourself first.

16 hours ago, lost-in-love said:

The problem is - and I realize this is a problem I have due to a low self-esteem - that I can't continue with my private life. I am having thoughts like: 'why go on dates and look for a new partner when it always fails?' or 'if my ex resents me, doesn't it mean that I do something wrong and I should not date anymore?'.

I've had similar thoughts. I think more people have those thoughts then would admit them. So you aren't alone in your struggles. The flaw in that reasoning though is the assumption that just because something goes wrong in the past, it will always go wrong in the future. But each time is a new experience and can go any number of ways. When you think about it, every relationship will fail... until you hit the one that doesn't. And when you find the one that lasts, it won't matter what happened all those other times. What will count is what you have then, the relationship where things go right. If anything, all the failures will help you to appreciate that success even more. You learn from the bad times so that when the good comes along, you are better prepared and know what to do to make it last.

If an ex resents you, it might have nothing to do with you and might be about them. Which is why it's good to take an honest assessment. You probably could have done things differently. So could she. No one is perfect and everyone will make mistakes. But you strive to do the best you can at that moment in time with the information you have. Lean to separate the things you could control with the things you can't. And know that it takes two, so it's not all on you. 

You're worth is not dependent upon her or anyone else. You decide how much worth you have. So do things that make you feel worthy. Do things you enjoy. Think about all the postive qualities and skills you have. Make a list if it helps. One bad experience with someone doesn't mean you are forever doomed or that you don't have anything to offer. It's just the valley that will eventually make reaching the peak that much sweeter.

Every person is a unique indivudal who will have their own way of handling things. Some people will insist that a break up means you should never speak to the person again. Some people will say you should avoid contact so as to not remind yourself of the hurt and loss. Some people can break up amicably and remain really close friends for the rest of their lives. Some people continue a friendship but naturally drift apart with time and circumstances. Some break up but ultimately find their way back to each other. Personally, I believe in always keeping doors open as you never know what the future can bring. Unless the other person did something unforgivable, why not try to keep a friendship alive?

Everyone is different and every relationship is different. The point is to do what is right for you. 

On 4/5/2024 at 6:01 AM, lost-in-love said:

For the moment my strategy is to avoid her, in this way I avoid pain but actually the pain is still inside me. 

Avoidance isn't a strategy to solve a problem, it's a tactic to delay it. Many people find ways to delay indefinately. But the pain isn't something that goes away on its own. The only way to actually deal with something is to confront it head on. I tried not speaking to someone who broke my heart once. It didn't cause me to feel any less pain. It was only in saying to her everything I needed to say and her acknowledging it that things got better. The pain ceased when I could have that regular conversation with her.

On 4/5/2024 at 6:01 AM, lost-in-love said:

It seems that in her eyes I did something terribly wrong and I don't understand what that is! I have gone millions of times through situations and conversations and I guess what I am 'guilty' of is that I still had feelings and she didn't.

No one is wrong or guilty of anything. It's a clash of styles. She wanted to remain friends and probably doesn't understand why you would be still holding on for more. You take longer to process and are still emotionally connected, so you don't understand how she could detach herself so easily. No one is at fault here, it's just a situation that unfortunately didn't work out. Please, don't blame yourself. You actually did a great job in my book. You tried to stay friends with her, but realized that it was hurting you. You were honest with her and did what you felt you had to.

You know the saying "time flies when you're having fun?" The reverse is also true. Time drags when you are miserable. Every moment feels like an eternity. Each day passes into the next and you feel stuck in place, never really getting anywhere. You have several good days, feel like you've made progress. Then the bad day hits and you feel you are back at square one.

It's a difficult cycle to break out of. But it can and does get better if you let some light into your life, even if it's just a little each day. You focus on you and what you love. You find the things that make you truly happy, so happy that it puts all the hurt and lonliness to the side and gives you moments and experiences that you'll remember and cherish. Little by little you can replace the hurt with joy, the lonliness with self fulfillment, and the darkness with light. Rather then dreading yet another day, you start to look forward to things because you remember how much fun they are and anticpate doing them again. 

If I could offer any advice, it would be to recognize that people are individuals and thus responsible for their own actions. If someone is abusive or disrespectable, that is because of them. You did not cause it, nor are you responsible for getting them to change. It's okay that you care about the person and want things to change. It's okay if you talk to them and tell them they should change. But you can't make them change if they aren't ready to or be someone they aren't.

The only person you are ultimately responsible for is you. It's great to be caring and loving to others. But you have to first be loving and caring to yourself. If you aren't then you won't be happy, regardless of having a relationship or not. Rather then worry about coming across as needy, focus on fulfilling your own needs for yourself. If I cooked a meal I could give some to my family, friends, neighbors. But what good would that do if I let myself starve in the process? I would end up sick and in the hospital. Likewise, you have to take care of your emotional needs first. You have to show yourself the love and respect you want. 

Don't worry about dating if you aren't ready. Dating and finding a partner consumes far too much of people's energy. Right now should be all about you. Learn to be happy on your own, being free to explore all parts of you and things you are into. Try simply dating yourself, doing whatever interests you. The conversations will probably be far more interesting anyway. 😉

He seems like a nice and sincere person. I hope you have fun going.

Personally, I don't think it's always good to push outside your comfort zone. If doing so is going to make you more nervous and unsure of yourself, it might not be a good thing. The couple of times I've been forced into social events with co-workers (both ones I know and don't know), didn't go well and made me want to rush out as soon as I could. It's called a comfort zone for a reason. When you are feeling comfortable you naturally feel more confident and can be the best you. 

In the future, if you want to get to know one person, maybe take more time to get to know them, one on one? That way you can really talk to them instead of having the conversation split between a whole bunch of people. Do what feels right for you, what you want to do. You know what you can handle and what you can't. So trust yourself.

Regardless, good luck. 

"A person isn't who they are during the last conversation you had with them - they're who they've been throughout your whole relationship." Rainer Maria Rilke

He could have meant everything he said in the moment. In my experience, people have a tendency to say what they feel in the moment. But that moment is just that, a moment. What really matters is the pattern of their behavior. A person's real self will show in the long term. If he ended up hurting you like this, then that is the real him and that's not someone worthy of you. 

3 hours ago, nattz4512 said:

Someone with very little self confidence and esteem,  sweeping me off my feet and giving me empty promises..only to ghost me.. and somehow very quickly gaining esteem getting into another relationship,  and quickly marrying that person. Like I am a practice person.

Sounds similar to someone I knew. Said such sweet things. Made me believe my dreams were coming true. Then abruptly ended things. Got engaged to someone she had only known for a month. Got married a month later. Made me feel used, like a placeholder to help her feel better until she found someone else. I was hurting everyday. Sometimes I wanted to call her, even after everything she did. It took closer to three months before I felt okay about what happened, so it's fine to be hurting after three weeks. And interestingly, she would tell me that the marriage was a mistake, that they were having problems.

It might not feel this way right now, but you are the lucky one here. The wonderful life he seems to be having might not be as wonderful as it seems. And you are free of being with someone who couldn't give you the love and attention you deserve. There is someone better, someone who will honestly love you. Healing takes time and it won't be all at once. You distract yourself, you fill the time with things that are meaningful to you and bring you happiness. You find ways to show love to yourself. You learn to close the blinds and not look at his place. 😉 In time, it doesn't hurt as much, promise. Then one day you realize you haven't thought about them in ages and when you do it doesn't come with the same sense of sorrow. 

Moving on is difficult, so don't feel bad about it. It takes as longs as it needs to take. Until then, focus on you. If your relationships have all been this way, maybe you need a break from relationships? Put it out of your mind and remember you don't need a relationship to be happy. You are the greatest partner you can have, so just be happy being you and doing what you love. Let the relationship find you one day, when the time is right. For now, find the joy in all the other aspects of life.

On 4/4/2024 at 9:55 AM, zotayks said:

i thought that if a potential girfriend found out that i am virgin and she was my first girfriend, she would think something like `İf no one wanted him, why would i want him?`

Anyone who thinks that way isn't someone you would want to be in a relationship with in the first place. The good ones will be thinking "Wow, why hasn't he been snatched up sooner? Those other girls don't know what they are missing." 

Besides, once you get to the point virginity is even a topic of discussion, you're probably going to be close enough and care for each other to the point where it won't matter. She'll like you for you.

On 4/4/2024 at 11:53 AM, Coily said:

I'll tell you from experience, any woman worth your time and effort will take the "I'm a virgin" with kindness and excitement!

Also from experience, I second that.

On 4/4/2024 at 10:31 AM, Wiseman2 said:

And you won't be wearing a T-shirt around campus that has "I'm a virgin"  written on it.

That actually sounds like fun to me, a pro-virgin and proud of it movement. Seems like there are a few shirts already out there: https://www.amazon.com/Virginity-Jokes-Funny-Virgin-T-Shirt/dp/B0CH46621B?customId=B0752XJYNL&customizationToken=MC_Assembly_1%23B0752XJYNL&th=1

4 hours ago, Cherylyn said:

A lot of times,  it's not about you at all.  It's about their deep seeded insecurity,  misery and their preoccupation with themselves for their entire life.  It's their way of manipulation and control which is their MO (method of operation) forever.  Once you grasp this concept,  you remove yourself from the equation a little easier.

Hurt people, hurt people. They take there own problems out on others, whoever happens to be there. Its not your fault and you shouldn't blame yourself. They are the one stuck in this cycle of behavior that will ultimately leave them lonely and sad. Don't let them drag you down as well. 

And remember, just because he looks happy and care free on the outside, doesn't mean that's how he feels on the inside. Alot of times people put on a mask to hide what they are really feeling. I'd wager there is some deep insecurity lurking under that cheerful facade.

13 hours ago, nattz4512 said:

I also feel badly for not following my intuition earlier on. I posted about him previously on here and different forum sites..about the red flags he was displaying...and the majority of advice givers basically told me that I was overreacting, and that I was the problem.  

So I convinced myself of this, and followed their advice, and gave him a chance...

It may have been possible to avoid this heartbreak...if I had just trusted myself.

Always trust your intuition. I'm a firm believer that when we feel something, there is a reason. Give people a chance, look at the situation logically. But if something seems wrong, it probably is. 

Still, don't berate yourself over this. That will only make you feel worse. Look on the bright side, you don't have to speak to him anymore. You don't have to let him live inside your head. You can choose to do any number of things now that will put a smile on your face. Pursue your life to the fullest. Things get better, so don't let one bad apple spoil it for you.

10 hours ago, Coily said:

Yeah there are some awful notions out there about dating, like if you don't have dating experiences by X age; well it's all crap. Pure utter crap.

Another thing, It's okay to feel sad about being single. Just don't let it cloud every thought and action.

The whole notion of needing experience is overrated. Some people have lots of experience in getting dates, yet aren't very good at keeping the relationship alive. Others are more selective and get few dates, yet are naturally more skilled in making it work and leading to more. Personally, I'd rather be the latter.

And yes, it is okay to be sad about being single. We've all been there and wished we had someone. I've cried my fair share of tears. But you can't let it dominate your thoughts and dictate your actions. Relationships are a part of life, not the only thing that can give your life meaning.

On 3/30/2024 at 3:49 AM, Absy said:

At this point, it's more about my own closure than anything else. I understand that she may not care anymore, but if I don't express my feelings, I won't be able to move forward easily.

If you need closure in order to move on, then do what you must to seek closure. Don't make it a confrontation. It doesn't have to be a big thing. Just be polite and honest. Tell her you've enjoyed talking with her and she means a lot to you, but that you feel its for the best to part ways. I always believe its best to leave the door open as you never know what can happen in the future, but that you should do what you feel is best to take care of yourself in the present.

I once went through a painful experience with a girl. We didn't speak for three months. Not speaking made it worse because I didn't have that closure. There was always the thought of could I have said or done something else. There was the need to get out what I was feeling. And there was the wonder of what she was thinking. It wasn't until we spoke and I got those answer that I realized I had moved on. Getting closure allowed me to close that chapter and opened me up to experience something new. So seek that closure.

I was 22 before I met a woman where there was mutual interest. In high school I wasn't even attracted to any female I knew and to my knowledge none showed any signs of being into me. My best friend in high school didn't find a relationship until after college. And I've spoken with plenty of people, male and female, who didn't have dating or relationship experience into their 20s or later. Nothing was wrong with me or any of these people and nothing is wrong with you.

Everything happens when it is supposed to. You have plenty of time and something will come along when you least expect it. Until then, focus on your studies and enjoyable your life. While we want to feel that rush of love, there are plenty of other things in life to keep us happy and give us meaning. 

I used to have the same concerns about being inexperienced, that it would be a turn off for women. Then I encountered multiple females who told me that it didn't matter to them. What they cared about was the connection the two of them had and that he treated them nice and with respect. Some even said they liked the idea of being the more experienced one, of being able to show and teach him things. And one even felt sad that she would have more experience, as she wished they could experience everything new together. So don't worry about it. Everyone comes into things with various experience levels. What counts is that when you do meet the right one, you embrace it and that the two of you enjoy what you have.

I just loaned money to my mother. I've also loaned money to my father and to one of my brothers. That's what family is for, to help you when you need it. No one really likes to ask for help, but if you need it, then family will be there, no questions asked. They'll want you to ask and will wonder why you didn't say something sooner. And how can anyone resist helping a sweet cat who is suffering?

Hope your cat gets well.

His identity and sense of self worth seems to be tied to his job and how much money he makes. Without it, he's lost. Is there something in his past that could help explain why it's so important to him? 

Yes, it's possible for people to return to normal, whatever normal is. But it takes time and work, as you are already familiar with. He has to be the one to put in that work. It doesn't go away with time, its something you fight every day. Until he is ready to have that fight, it won't improve. You can care about him, love him, even try to convince him to take action. You can share your own struggles and what you've learned. But he's the only one that can change himself. 

It's up to you to decide what you are okay with, how much you can endure. It's fine to still care, to want to hold on and believe it can still work. But at a certain point you can't let his depression become your depression. You have to protect your own health. If he can't be the strong one and address his issues or let you go, then you have to be that strong one. As painful as it is, if you don't feel the same for him as you used to, then it's better for both of you not to prolong it. You can still care about him and be supportive, just not necessarily as a relationship.

1 hour ago, Manillar said:

More than a family or relationship- more than something real that supports you and will always have your back

I like the way you phrase that. Money, jobs, titles or status - those things are temporary. They are nice and help you get by day to day, but they aren't what really fulfills you. It's the love and support from those that care that matters most. I really hope he can see that.

On 3/12/2024 at 2:44 PM, rainbowsandroses said:

@ShySoulasked why it matters that she didn't use birth control or a condom and I responded with my opinion.  And yes I have worked at Planned Parenthood as a volunteer, I have seen first hand what happens to young women and their babies when they "don't think it matters," and trust me it's not pretty.  And I feel quite passionately about the subject

To clarify, I meant why would it matter now. I agree in the importance of education and in using birth control/protection. I would never make light of such a serious topic.

In this case specifically, they should have used protection. Rita even admitted it. However they didn't and she got pregnant. No amount of admonishment or debate on the topic can change that. So in my mind the real concern is what to do going forward. As long as they are both willing to work together to try and do right by the child, everything else is to be a side topic. The child is first and foremost.

Anyway, if you read this Rita, hope things are alright for you and the child to be.

On 3/28/2024 at 5:59 AM, Sindy_0311 said:

If someone has some advice to share outside of the commun "enjoy your life, workout, meet your friends", that would be very welcome... how to deal with celibacy and its loneliness?

The cynic in me says you just get used to it. I don't like that part of me.

The larger part of me clings to the hope that one day things will be different. I find stories of love working out and people finding their soulmate. I see that is is possible and have faith that one day it can happen for me. I know it's not much to go on and can be difficult, but sometimes hope is all we have.

Hope you find someone Sindy and Halle. You both deserve something special and awesome.

Yes, she was being immature. She could be laughing for any number of reasons, all having to do with her and nothing with you. Her opinion doesn't matter and you shouldn't let it affect you or get you down. 

Crying or being emotionally sensitive is fine. I welled up recently myself over a TV show. I cry all the time listening to songs. If anything, that just says it was a good movie if it could affect you so deeply. It's a good thing to be able to feel things to that depth, it helps you to appreciate things more and experience the feel range of human emotions. 

As someone who has been made fun of for being single, I understand how it can hurt. You might already be sensitive about the topic, so don't need the reminder. It's also on her brain, so you are more receptive to taking things as slights against you. If you are more sensitive, then it hurts even more. I had to struggle with that myself for a long time, but what I learned was that what others think doesn't have to affect me. I am my own person, and I need to be happy just being me. If I cry at a movie, then that's just me being wrapped up in the movie. If I am single, then I simply haven't found the right person. My time will come and it will be better for the wait. In the meantime, I will live my life the way I want to live it, being my true authentic self. When I allowed other's opinions to affect me, it just made me sad and depressed. When I fully embraced who I was, I became a lot happier. And amazingly, that postive attitude lead women to be attracted to me. Staying true to you and not listening to others is the key to happiness, believe me.

58 minutes ago, Batya33 said:

I read it as she was curious what other people do.  She wasn't looking to see if there are rules.  She can do with the information what she wishes.  

"Rules" was just another way of saying there is no set amount of time to spend together. What other couples do is what they do and should have no bearing on what she does. Schedules, distance, responsibilities... factors will differ for everyone. My conclusion was the same as yours, whatever works for them.

Personally, I say spend as much time together as possible - in person, calls, chats, whatever you can arrange. I've talked to someone I was interested in every night, hours at a time. If you both enjoy it and have fun, why stop?

8 minutes ago, rainbowsandroses said:

As I said and jmo but "bad" sex stems from lack of sexual chemistry and an emotional connection because when those things are happening, how can sex be bad?  

Totally agree with you. 

I can't even recall a bad experience because I've made sure any physical thing I've done comes after the emotional connection. Even the silly little things that happen were enjoyable because we were so in the moment together. And the chemistry part seemed to take care of itself.

If others have a different take, to each their own. 

On 3/30/2024 at 4:39 AM, lolo said:

She has acknowledged that lately she feels less sexually driven in general. Over autumn/winter she always gets a bit depressed because of the lack of natural light. For sure that has played a role in this. She also has a hard time in dealing with work-related stress. When she has stressful times at work, she struggles not to have that stress affect life at home as well. And when she's stressed, her sex drive goes to 0.

She has also said that she feels we are letting our relationship go on autopilot and that there's lack quality time together. Since then, we have both tried to spend more time doing things together and it seems that the situation is improving.

The best person to speak to about this isn't strangers, it's the person you are going through it with. Communication with your partner is almost always going to provide you the answers you seek. Afterall, who knows her sex drive better then her? 

Stress is a major factor in our health - be it physical, mental, emotional, sexual, etc. If she is experiencing a rough time at work, sex won't be the first thing on her mind. What she needs is help in reliving that stress. Since you probably can't fix whatever is happening at the job, relive her stress in other ways. Find ways to pitch in more at home. Be there to listen and support. Ride through the difficult time with her because you love her. It will pass and she will be appreciative of you being there for her. There is time enough for sex later. And it might just be more passionate for all the pent up feelings.

She also told you the issue, lack of quality time together. Being together has helped, and it will continue to help. So keep spending time together. Find the things that created that spark in the first place. Find new things one or both of you want to try. It can be anything. The point is to do them together. Build shared memories that draw you closer together.

On 3/30/2024 at 4:39 AM, lolo said:

 It is also possible that after 18 years I could have completely unrealistic expectations. Also, what about when we'll be in our late 40s or 50s? What happens then if this situation is to repeat itself (I mean the very active neighbour that reminds me there are people who get laid constantly)?

If you've been together 18 years, there is something deep between you. That doesn't just go away, no matter if you have sex or not. Love is deeper then sex. Really, you can look all around you and be reminded of people having sex, you don't have to have a noisy neighbor. How many movies or TV shows have love scenes or couples having sex? How many songs allude to sex? How many ads use sex to sell a product? Are you going to let all of those bring you down too? Or would you rather focus on what you do have - a wonderful woman who you care for and who cares for you? Someone you have been with for nearly two decades? Someone who gets you. And for all the reminders of sex there are in the world, there are even more reminders of love. 

You are lucky to have found someone. I would love to have someone I've been in a relationship with for that long. Just knowing they are there would be enough. Don't lose sight of how rare and special something like what you have is.

On 3/30/2024 at 4:39 AM, lolo said:

That does not mean that I might still not be satisfied by our intimacy

Intimacy is more then sex. It's the cuddles and hugs, the kisses, the carresses. It's being close to the person, physcially reinforcing the emotional bond. That can be every bit as enjoyable and satisfying. Learn to enjoy it for what it is. And that can also be quite the bit of foreplay that sets the mood for other things...