boltnrun

I re-watched Thelma and Louise. I watch it every time it's on.

I skipped the laundromat this morning. I woke up after inadequate sleep and just decided I would not go today. I will go tomorrow. Plus, it's so hot today! I don't want to be dealing with running around like a maniac at the laundromat lol. So I gave myself permission to go back to sleep and I slept in late! I didn't get up until 8:30.

The coordinator arranged for me to get in touch with a clinical psychologist. I have to call his office myself to set an appointment and he is only doing virtual appointments, which is fine with me because I don't have to potentially get all anxious about going to his office. I will call his office after I've woken up a bit more. I have an appointment scheduled with an internist Monday. Since I moved states I will need a new doctor for my various medical conditions.

Today will be household chores, getting the remainder of the groceries from yesterday out of my car and wiping them down, changing the cat's litter box, taking out the trash, etc.

No walk today. I had to go to both the pharmacy and the grocery store. Having to go inside two stores felt like enough to me. Plus, we are having unusually hot weather. It's just not pleasant unless you go down to the beach and I don't want to dodge the crowds.

I scored both wipes AND a can of Lysol spray. It seems with things reopening and with other things being reported on the news people just aren't buying up the wipes and disinfecting spray the way they used to. I for one will continue to play it safe but others seem to be less concerned.

While I was at the store a man in the next aisle over sneezed. A woman said "Oh, that's just GREAT!!" Poor guy, I'm sure he didn't intend to sneeze but that woman reacted the way I probably would have!

I'm not feeling super great today. I don't feel well when it's windy and hot. And I didn't sleep well either. I took my temp and checked my blood oxygen (got this nifty device a few weeks ago) and my temp is good and blood oxygen is good as well. But it could be a reaction to the heat and lack of sleep. Throat is sore, I am fatigued and my head aches a bit. Same old symptoms I have had for months that the doctor couldn't really find a root cause for.

I have a phone number I can call if the referral service doesn't get me a referral to a therapist in the next day or so. I can speak directly to a counselor and also get a referral. I need this, so I will call the number tomorrow if nothing happens with the coordinator.

I'm getting a bit more relaxed regarding going out in public and touching things. I just realize that I will have to touch things and it's OK. I can wear gloves and wash my hands after and I can take off the clothes I wore out in public and shower after I get home and I will be OK. Things that used to send me into a freakout don't have as bad an effect as they used to. I hope that means I am getting a bit better.

Hope everyone is doing well.

That's good news!

I would find that stressful as well!

Yeah, they tell us to stay 6 feet apart but there's nowhere to go. Everywhere I tried to move to someone was already there. And they still hammer us about our production metrics and question us if we miss goals.

Hopefully that wasn't TOO time consuming!

I will.

I'm going to take a page out of the AA handbook and say "Today I will try to get outside for a walk". If I am unable to I will cut myself some slack, but I really want to do this. And I won't worry about going for a walk tomorrow, just will try today.

I'm expecting to get a message any minute now telling me to report to work immediately. Of course I will have no choice but to go. I would rather wait until my location is working on opening but I am certain I will be asked to help out at another location until mine is ready to go live. Mine is supposed to be preparing to open mid-July, so I am sure there is no way they will allow us to remain home until then. I was worrying about how to wash my work uniform since I no longer have my own wash machine, but my cousin gave me the excellent idea of just spraying it down with disinfectant each day after work. It's basically a vest made of reflective materials (in other words, plastic) so I should be able to do that no problem. And I'll spray down my shoes and gloves as well. Then shower, shampoo and head to bed.

Speaking of bed, my cat seems to want to stay in bed all day. She is elderly (15 years old or so) so I guess she doesn't feel like doing much. She's funny.

Thanks for the support :)

I'm still on salary (for which I am very grateful) but I am expecting to be called back into work any day. I'm expecting to be given very little or no advance notice, as in they will message me saying to report that night. I'm not happy about having to work in a building with about 150 other people in very close quarters but that is what my job requires.

Being "essential" is not what I asked for, but I am grateful for a paycheck.

So, I'm back from the walk.

It's a beautiful day outside. We walked down to the beach but there were way too many people along the bluff path, most of them without masks, so we went back into the neighborhood. There are a ton of lovely homes in the neighborhood, most of them historic, so it was very enjoyable. We talked about a lot of things but did a lot of discussing current events (of course). I explained that I was doing some things that are strange (I said "weird") and I knew they were strange but for now this is kind of where I'm at. They understood and humored me when they came to see my apartment which they hadn't seen before.

It was very nice to be outside, although there were way too many unmasked people for my comfort. Fortunately the kids are reasonable (IMO) so when we where walking about 20 feet behind a man who stopped and was coughing uncovered several times, the kids suggested crossing over to the other side of the street. They didn't want to be near that guy either!

I did really enjoy being outside. It was comforting to have the kids with me but I think I'm going to try some solo walks. The nice thing about being outside is it's easy to get away from people if I feel like I need to. A solo walk would be a major accomplishment for me but I want to give it a try.

Waiting for my son to text me about the walk. Anxiety is through the roof. Like, it's really bad. I can't figure out why, unless it's because we'll be out amongst people. God I hate this...

Grrr...the neighbors started expanding their party to right under my windows. Fortunately I am on the second floor. Poor lady on the first floor is literally 3 feet from the partygoers.

I won't call the police because they have their hands full with the protests, but it's extremely irritating to have people so blatantly ignoring and disregarding the regulations. There have been many instances of Covid infecting groups of people who attended parties, but apparently these people are sure Covid can't affect them!

That’s why it’s important to get help relatively quickly before this becomes cemented behaviour. The longer it takes anxiety to be treated the more cemented it becomes. I would try fighting against the compulsions to clean and disinfect and everything like that. Especially in your own apartment if somebody has walked in it ,transference from objects is not common at all. You don’t want to cement obsessive compulsive behaviour.

The referral service said they are "working on" getting me a referral to a professional. That isn't much help to me right now. But I am not comfortable with completely stopping the disinfecting and protecting myself, not yet. My friend told me if it makes me feel more comfortable there's nothing wrong with cleaning and disinfecting, so for now I will continue to do so.

I am getting a tiny bit more relaxed with some things. Today I brought in a bag of cat litter that's been in the trunk of my car for over a week. Normally (I mean, the "now" normally, not my usual normally) I would have disinfected it because some other items were in the trunk a couple of days ago and they may have contacted, but I didn't. I just opened it and used it. That may not seem like a huge thing but for me that was a big step. I'm just not yet ready for cold turkey stopping the disinfecting because I know for a fact Covid is still out there.

Baby steps.

People can’t help if they don’t know. Hugs. I am sure you will be perfectly OK.

Thank you.

My friend who helped me move just pretty much humored my weirdness. If I told her I needed to do something or not do something she just went along with it. I feel like my kids will be the same. I warned my friend that I would have meltdowns and would make some strange requests. I'll just tell my kids the same thing. Although I don't anticipate meltdowns. The meltdowns were due to the stresses of moving and that is already done.

Second weekend in a row the apartment building next door residents are hosting a party in their outside patio area. It seems it is a birthday party. They are now at the time in the party where the grownups have all had a lot to drink and are getting very loud. First of all, parties are not allowed unless it's people from the same household...

I am grateful it's the building next door and not my building. The only thing I've seen my building neighbors do is sit outside in the sun on the driveway. But that's allowed because it's just the husband and wife downstairs. They aren't inviting a bunch of people over.

I am both looking forward to my walk with my son and his spouse tomorrow and anxious about it. They have not yet seen me acting weird like I have been for the past few months. I did tell them I was having mental health issues, and I have found that being honest about it is the best policy. So I will warn them they may witness some strange, obsessive behavior from me.

Don’t forget anxiety causes a massive cortisol dump into your system too.

I read that cortisol actually makes you gain weight. So you think I will easily gain the weight back due to the anxiety? Because I find the opposite happens to me. When I'm anxious and/or depressed I have no appetite and eat very little.

It sounds like an amazing job.

So can I...

 

Oh how I can....

Mmmmm...burgers. I miss burgers.

I would like to be able to go somewhere and get a big juicy burger. I hope to be able to get over my fear so I can get one.

Everything you can eat just like me really doesn’t lean to gaining weight.

It doesn't make sense because I was eating those things before and couldn't lose weight. But now that my anxiety is spiking I have no appetite. And now I'm a stick.

I used to LOVE takeout and going to restaurants, but that's out for me. When I grocery shop I either do pickup or I go and rush through the store trying to get out as quickly as possible. No leisurely shopping and browsing to see what looks good.

I feel like once I get this anxiety under control I'll be able to eat again. Unfortunately the organization that is working on finding me help has said they're "working on it" but that I shouldn't expect a referral anytime soon. I'm hoping for next week.

Can you eat nuts or peanut butter?

Nope. Peanut AND tree nut allergy. List of forbidden foods: Peanuts, tree nuts, dairy, red meat (unless it is ground or chopped), carbonated beverages, alcohol, donuts and most muffins. I used to not be able to eat sugar but I was able to overcome that one. It's pretty much fish, chicken and vegetables and fruit. Which is fine because although I'm not a big fruit person (although I like juice) I really do like fish, chicken and veggies. And I can eat a burger.

It's my anxiety affecting my appetite. I don't do delivery currently because I'm afraid of being exposed to Covid and the whole getting the food delivered (or picking it up) and then wiping down the containers or transferring the food to plates after disposing somehow with the bag it came in is too much for me to deal with. And with Covid rampant in meat and poultry processing plants I am not inclined to buy fresh chicken or ground beef or pork. I do love fish, so that will probably be my best option once I gather up the nerve to go to the grocery store.

I had some steamed spinach (steamed from frozen) the other night and it was so delicious! I might have more tonight.

So, today the anxiety seems a bit more manageable.

I did decide to go back to the laundromat. I thought that would result in bad dreams and/or a lack of sleep, but I slept OK. I think I had one of my standard issue road trip dreams. I don't usually have those when the anxiety is spiking so that was good.

I can't figure out how I can have done 4 loads of laundry this week and my dirty clothes hamper is still totally stuffed to the brim. When it was just me and one of my kids at home we only did 3 loads a week! And I by myself have 4-5 loads per week? I realize I am changing my outfits twice a day whenever I go out in public, so that must be why. I still have two full loads to do to be caught up. Grrrr…

I'm going to ask my son and his spouse if we can do a "socially distant" walk this weekend. I was going to ask last weekend but I can't even remember why I didn't.

This week just flew by for me. I thought the weeks would go slower while I am not going in to work but they're still flying by. I expect to be notified to report to work next week. I am trying to make peace with the fact that I will have to work closely with 150+ people in an enclosed building. The hardest thing to do besides trying to stay away from everyone and constantly wiping down my laptop, glasses and washing my hands is trying to eat at work. I won't buy from the vending machines since I saw the janitorial staff using the same dirty rag to wipe down all the machines and not even spraying each machine (gross). I won't use the communal refrigerators or the communal microwaves. I can use the one in the manager's conference room which is better than the one used by several hundred other employees. But it's a drag wiping everything down. And even though instructions went out to remove all the interior doors, some locations are refusing to do so. Not sure why that is. But rather than go through all that I was previously just eating very little. I do need to eat though, so I'll have to overcome that somehow.

Speaking of eating very little, my weight is ridiculous currently. I wanted to get down to 128 lbs. I struggled and struggled and just could not get below 133. Well now I am 115 lbs. Of course due to my anxiety and depression. That is just too skinny. My clothes are either hanging on me or they just fall down. I need to gain back 10 lbs. It sounds nice when people say "Drink protein drinks!! Eat pizza!" Except I am lactose intolerant and can barely even force myself to go grocery shopping. I'm hoping my appetite comes back soon because I need to get those 10 lbs. back!

Gloomy weather the past couple of days. Typical of beach communities. I hope I can start bringing myself to at least get out a bit to enjoy this beautiful city. I'll see how work goes, then maybe plan for some outdoor activities later on.

Hope everyone will have a nice weekend!

Hope your husband has a great birthday!

Next month I will be in my mid-50s. That makes me wonder why I'm doing the job I'm doing. I'm too old for this!

Which three responses are ya talking about? And, what exactly do ya mean by extensive? By the way, thanks for the advice.

The thread you started. Your own thread, not the group threads.

This one

https://www.enotalone.com/forum/showthread.php?t=564924

I keep saying this is the end times.

I just met my next door neighbor. Very nice young lady. Of course I am now worrying because neither of us had masks on since we we just happened to be taking out the trash at the same time and the barrels are right downstairs . We had about a 15 second conversation and were about 4 feet apart. Seems both silly and logical at the same time to worry about that.

Sorry, bluecastle. The looting is over in my city thankfully. It must be very unnerving to have Guardsmen that close. Hopefully you are safe and remain so.

I messaged my manager this afternoon. I'm supposed to be keeping in touch for when they decide they need me to report to work. I know he's super busy but I need him to give me some time to discuss how I was moved to another position without my knowledge or approval. I will ask to be stepped to another role because I vehemently am not interested in this other role. I'll take a cut in pay if I have to. But I am incensed.