boltnrun

Nope, never going back.

Are you OK?

Thank you.

This morning I woke up much less anxious. Almost a negligible amount. I know it's because I confided in my son. Knowing he knows and is supportive helps a great deal. I'm starting to think I can find a way.

Still not happy about having to go back to work. That crowded, dirty and risky environment is not where I want to be right now. I'm obligated to stay with the company for 2 years or I have to pay back my bonus, which right now doesn't concern me much. But right now is also not a good time to be job hunting. It's on my radar for a few months from now.

It's a pretty day outside. Maybe I'll contact my son and his spouse about a walk tomorrow.

I talked to my son. Not an easy conversation. But he understands and is encouraging me to work with a professional. Which I plan to do. I did tell.him not to worry but that I would like him to just message me every couple of days as I feel that would help. He agreed and also suggested getting together for some socially distant walks as we live close to one another now. I think that will help a lot too.

Funny thing is, I had anxiety about having this conversation with him! I don't ever want to be a burden or a worry to my kids.

Hoping for better days.

I would love to see my kids and they are willing, but my county still has an order forbidding gathering with anyone outside of your own household. My household consists of me and my cat. People are not exactly complying, but still. I'm not sure if it would be considered a "gathering" if it's just me, my child and their spouse. But I don't know. If I do see them it will be a non contact visit with masks and distancing. At least for now.

We all were tested ("Covid Not Detected") but that was a couple of weeks ago. I haven't been back to work yet but still.

Very difficult.

So a care coordinator is going to call me Monday. They are expecting to help me set up medical care since I moved out of state but I will ask for help or a referral to mental health services.

I've never wanted my kids to know how bad I've been. This began about a year and half ago but with the pandemic it's gotten so bad I fear I won't be able to function. I can pretend pretty good (almost no one ever knows when I'm not feeling well) but it's time to admit I need help and get something started that will get me through my days.

Thanks to all of you for your encouraging words. I don't always want to hear a positive spin but it's very much appreciated.

I've told people to please just let me have my little meltdown. Once I let it out I usually recover fairly quickly, but I need to just have that release. If someone tries to dismiss my feelings or contradict what I'm saying or worse, tells me to "relax" or "lighten up" that just makes me angry. And anger and anxiety are not a good combination.

I always apologize after a meltdown because I don't want to put people through that. But I need for them to just let me get it off my chest. To be clear, I do not yell at people or speak angrily to them. I honestly just rant about how something has upset me. But I don't direct it at anyone close to me.

I think I'll call my son tonight or ask him to call me.

I'm thinking about confiding in my adult son. I normally hide things from the kids because I don't want to worry or burden them. And I certainly don't want them to feel responsible. But when I am this impacted I feel like I need them to know in case I become completely unable to function. I know they would say "why didn't you say anything?" And I have always played the strong, independent role so they just don't check in on me. Right now I need someone to check in on me.

Should I say something? Or should I continue to pretend everything's fine?

So one thing that bothers me is when people dismiss or make light of my anxiety. My wonderful, amazing friend who came with me to help me move started cracking jokes while I was having a panic attack. I explained that I was not in the mood for jokes and that I don't respond well when people try to get me to laugh during one. She said she didn't know what to say and was just trying to "lighten up" the situation. So I explained the middle of a panic attack is a really bad time for that. I do know she was coming from a good place. She made a mental note and didn't try that tactic again.

Others, however, tell me I'm being silly or that I need to just relax (THAT one really lights my fire) or they minimize. Or they play what I call "Suzy Sunshine" like my friend who says "I'm sure it will all be over soon!!!" and "They will hopefully have a vaccine soon!" when we all know one is months away. Or my cousin who, when I spilled my guts to her about how awfully anxious I am, said "Oh, I know! I REALLY miss socializing!" I wish that's all I was concerned about!

Anxiety and depression are real. I'm reaching out to try to get some professional help today.

So the delivery guy put my package in the mailbox which is against federal regulations. And this morning's delivery person delivered the package to my downstairs neighbor. Luckily I saw him drive away and when I didn't see the package was where I INSTRUCTED them to put it I went downstairs (in pajamas and robe lol) and found it sitting very nicely in front of the neighbor's door. How nice...I did put in complaints, not that it will do any good.

But...I scored some wipes! Finally! I got a 70 count container. I feel like I won the mega million lottery.

It's amazing to me to see so many people just carrying on with their lives as though there isn't a pandemic. On one hand, that seems healthy, right? To have the mindset that things will be OK and that life must go on. On the other hand, I can't see that pretending it ISN'T happening is a good idea either.

Are you ready to re-open your daycare? I would imagine your parents would feel safer having their children with you, but do you feel comfortable taking the children knowing their parents are going out into the world?

Sorry to hear your mom isn't feeling well. I hope she feels better soon.

I'm glad you had a safe trip.

How is your mom doing?

Still no milk.

Apparently lactose free milk is something that's hard to get. Yet when I went to the store in person Sunday evening there was plenty. So STILL will need to go to the store tomorrow.

Ordered from Amazon, specifically instructed for the package to be placed on my back porch. Delivery driver puts down "delivered to FRONT porch!" Front steps are communal so who knows where it ended up. I'm about to go check.

Safe travels.

Thanks. Wow, isn't love grand I guess?

I placed another pickup order. I feel what happened is my fault because I stated "No Substitutions" when I placed the order. So I have another one set up for tomorrow and I am allowing substitutions.

Oh, and I accidentally bought 2-20 pound bags of cat litter. I don't know if I can even get them upstairs! They're still in my trunk, hopefully there will be enough room for the groceries I'm buying tomorrow because I am not up to going down there to get them.

It was actually a pickup order. Delivery appointments are about 10 days out. Very nice young lady loaded my bags into my hatchback. I would have felt better if she had gloves on as well as a mask. But I am now bringing the bags inside, setting them down on a designated spot on my kitchen counter, wiping them down, putting frozen and perishablein the freezer or fridge and letting the pantry items sit on the "clean" part of the counter until the bleach cleaner dries.

I do wonder if I'm taking a chance of ingesting a bit of bleach, but I rinse off before I use.

Couldn't ship the keys. Post office location I went to doesn't ship or mail out (what???), Fed Ex was closed and the UPS store had a 10 person line outside. Neighborhood was not the greatest so I will have to take care of that tomorrow, or if I'm feeling brave, later today. Which would involve a second shower and shampoo.

I know I'm weird. Always have been. Not sure if that's because of what happened when I was a child or what, but there it is.

Today is overcast and drizzly.

Hope you all are having a decent day.

Grocery store notified me that they cannot fulfill 4 of the most vItal items I needed. Of course they didn't let me know until this morning when it's too late to cancel the order. Now I will have to end up going inside a different store to get those things.

I can't face doing that today since I already have to go into a different store to send back the keys to my old house. So I decided I will go tomorrow or Friday. Of course I got almost no sleep due to anxiety over having to go into that store.

Go to shipping store, pick up my half order of groceries, go home, wipe groceries, shower and shampoo and then maybe a nap if I can relax enough.

My brain knows the likelihood of catching it from a can of soup from the grocery store, from something placed on the sidewalk and then brought inside, from the car door handle, from the communal doorknob on the stairway door (that only 3 people use), etc., etc., is extremely small. But I'm the person who has a meltdown when my pants leg or sleeve brushes up against something I didn't disinfect or the railing on the back stairs.

Your attitude is much healthier. I am hoping to get there.

Sorry your son decided not to go. Wishing you a quick, safe trip.

When my son and I did the cat exchange we just both wore masks and gloves. Can you do that rather than dropping stuff on the ground? I just have this extreme paranoia about things touching the ground but maybe you have a better attitude toward it than I do!

So I decided to do grocery pickup again. It eliminates two things, having to go into the store and possibly be around lots of people AND having to disinfect my car, AND feeling like I need to strip down when I get home, then jump immediately into the shower to wash and shampoo. I have been spending a fortune on grocery pickups and Amazon orders, but I do appreciate that I am extremely fortunate to be able to do so.

I moved my car today, it was parked about 4' into a red zone. This city is very much about parking enforcement so I wanted to get it out of that red zone. Scored a spot right in front. Someone in a minivan had also seen that the spot was open and was in the process of making a U-turn to grab it, but I was able to just back my car up and get the spot. Around here a close spot is like winning the Lotto. Not sure where minivan person ended up, probably a couple of blocks away.

I suppose I'll have to contact work to give them a timeframe update. I can't just vanish off the planet! I told my previous landlord that I'd send the keys today but I don't want to give up my primo parking spot. So I will send them tomorrow when I go out to pick up the groceries.

I did put wipes on my order, here's hoping they actually have them in stock and I get them! Fingers crossed!

That's good news. (@seraphim)

My city has been holding steady. Not declining but not increasing either. People walking outside are about 50/50 mask/no mask but they're required inside retail establishments and to pick up take out food. Hospitals are at 60% capacity and healthcare worker PPE is stocked. We are hopefully prepared.

I don't know why people can't understand that the reason things got better was BECAUSE of social distancing and stay at home orders.

It would be like me deciding to go off my BP meds because gee whiz, my BP has been so good since I've been on them, so I should be able to stop taking them!

It seems obvious to me but apparently others don't get it.

And if one more person tells me it's just like the flu or more people die from the flu each year (not in the space of two months!!!) or "people die of heart attacks and cancer and we don't shut down the country!" (Heart attacks and cancer are not contagious...)

Urgh...

My kids say they want to see me. I told them I will wear a mask and will sit 6 feet away. They don't think that's necessary (we all have been tested and none of us had it) but I will not take a chance with my precious kids.

Yikes! Mine is insulated but there are the gaps from the leaning. I'll have to work up the nerve to go to the hardware store to buy weather stripping.

Trip to the grocery store last night was not fun. My new city requires masks (my previous city only said they are "recommended ") but the store is small and was crowded. I was standing the required 6 feet behind the customer ahead of me in the checkout line and some guy tried to get ahead of me! Then he said "oh, are you in line?" Like, dude, social distancing! Hello!

Fortunately my cell service provider (T-Mobile) is providing free mobile hot spot access. I'm not sure how long it will be free but it allows me to connect my desktop and tablet to my cell service. Thankfully, since my self installation kit for TV and internet won't arrive for at least a week.

Oh yeah, I love that the building is vintage. And I figure since it is in a major earthquake zone and it's still standing it must be pretty sturdy. It's just a bit unsettling to be able to see into the stairwell landing even when the front door is closed.