I'm new to the forum, don't really know where to start. I'm 31 years old, and miserable as hell. To say that I'm a "survivor" of male sexual abuse is rather out of context. Even though I am still alive after the numerous times it happened, I feel dead inside.
Recently, I tried seeing a professional about it, and I stopped, because when I left my sessions, I felt worse about myself. I have no-one to talk to about this. My family deserted me because they're too materialistic and all they care about are their friends & social standing. I guess if I had a fancy Lincoln or Cadillac in my driveway I'd be good enough.
My 1st encounter was when I was very young. It was done to me by a neighbor at a very young age. At that time I didn't realize what was going on, and blacked it out for many years.
The next time it happened, I was 17 years old in 1990. An uncle of a very good friend of mine got me really drunk and high off weed. When I was in a very hazy state of mind, he forced himself onto me & performed unwanted oral sex on me & tried to make me do it to him. I didn't like it and I was too out of it to get out of it.
I remember walking home that night, I walked in the house right past my mother & went to bed & cried. It was around this time that I developed an addiction to pills, I used to take them to get high, to feel numb & escape my pain. Whenever life dealt me a really crappy hand, I would resort to a bottle of pills to try & overdose myself. I came close on a number of occasions & even ended up in the hospital when I was 19 when I nearly died from an overdose.
Around Christmas-time in 1996, my best friend Sue invited me to a party where her uncle was (she knew what happened yrs before & told me that it would be okay, she'd make sure I was fine). I ignored him, but his prescence made me drink more & more & I smoked alot of dope. At one point in the night, I got really sick & I was on my hands & knees in the snow puking my guts up, then I blacked out.
The next thing I recall, it was early the next morning, and I was waiting for a cab to go home. I couldn't remember what happened. On Christmas night, I was drinking, and I got a friend Mary to drive my car for me, and somehow, we got on the topic of rape, I have no idea where we came up with it, and everything about the night I blacked out started coming back to me.
I didn't tell anyone at the time what went on. Apparently, my friend's uncle dragged me to his place & took me to his travel trailer & had his way with me. I couldn't believe it happened.
In April 1997, me & my friend Janet went out for her 24th birthday, we decided to go to a bar in town to have a few drinks. We met up with this guy, Thomas. We all got talking, and it turned out he knew my aunts from years back, so we became friends. I met another buddy of his, and we all partied together. They were like 2 older brother figures to me, wheich I didn't have in my life, and it felt good to have that kind of influence.
One day in summer 1998, the 3 of us were drinking & partying all day, and Thomas said I could crash at his place (he lived with his folks due to he & his woman splitting), I didn't want to, but it was a long walk home & I was drunk, so I accepted the invitation.
We got to his place & he said I could crash in his bed & he'd take the floor. So I started to fall asleep & moved in beside me & covered my mouth, told me to be quiet & had his way with me. After he was done, he told me if I breathed aword, he'd kill me.
Thomas' friend was the one I mainly hung out with. He was a single dad with 2 boys who looked up to me like an older brother. I never told him what Thomas did to me. Thomas used to be around all the time which made it worse. Thomas' friend knew that something was wrong & I wanted to tell him, but he & Thomas were such good friends I was scared to tell him what was wrong.
Thomas used to get me drunk to the point where I couldn't drive my car home, and he'd take my keys from me, and told me I had to do "things" in order to get them back. I felt powerless because he intimidated me.
On Christmas night 1998, Thomas got me to drive him to his friend's place (his friend was, and still is, dating my aunt) Thomas made me a drink & I drank it & went to bed, he came in & brutally raped me. I remember laying there, begging God in my mind to take me. It hurt so bad, it was a pain that was un-imaginable. I couldn't believe it was happening to me.
Because of what I went through, my "life" and innocence was taken from me. Because of this, I have absolutely no interest in sex at all. I'm basically a born again virgin. A lady at work wanted to go out with me, but I couldn't allow myself to be close. Is that wrong? All my other friends are in relationships, but not me. I'm scared to commit to one. I can't even stand to look at myself in the mirror anymore.
I really wish I was dead. What was supposed to be the best time of my life (late teens & 20's) was brutally taken from me, and I can't get those feelings back again.
Have any of you ever seen the movie "The Perfect Storm"? If so, do you recall the scene near the end when the Andrea Gail sank & Mark Wahlberg was adrift in the stormy sea? That scene describes my life, alone in a storm.
Well, that's me, and my story, a 30-something male with a destroyed life.
