grandplan

the most important kind of freedom is to be what you really are

I know how you feel.Its how i feel most of the time,most of my life,not sad just a constant state of indifference and disinterest. People can try and mend you but just end up smothering you. Ultimately death is your choice,you're already living a sort of death noone can resurrect you out of that.You see things on a logical physical line, not on a spiritual one,you live off reason noone can change that.If you believe that you're just electricty and matter then that's all you are.I see death as a state,an option not a physical absolution. I can see from what you write, that you've accumulated enormous amounts of wisdom and knowledge about life and the world,that you know stuff.Despite what society says this is the most valuable thing you will ever hope to own.Some of the greatest thinkers on the planet,the greatest musicians,artists,the ones we never forget were deeply suicidal or insane etc etc and spent the majority of there life going beyond life - wondering what the point of it was ,looking for a higher understanding and suffered to gain some new truth out of life,this is a noble, meaningful undertaking it has made other peoples lives more meaningful. Nobody knows why they bothered ,or why anyone bothers doing anything,I still dont know. You've established that happiness,meaning etc or contentment or whatever in life doesnt come from an external source,from other people,from ambition,fufilment,love etc etc,these things are worthless ultimately.You cant get a sense of meaning from anything outside yourself,be glad that you know this fact,the majority of the world doesn't. Modern life for the most part is meaningless ,the real meaning behind of all of this crap is somewhere inside you.If You were born to be here for some unknown crucial reason you'll find out eventually wether you stay or go. A hard hellish life is bound to be more interesting then a safe smooth one.Happiness is its own end, a harder life helps you to see life for what it is, your suffering in darknesses most people would'nt venture near, means that you have been affected and shaped and changed and ultimately that helps to affect,shape and change other people, it brings back new insights.Noone can tell you why you should be alive ,you dont have to be its a choice,a state.I dont have the answers.