Living together first: Marriage less likely to happen then?

Hi - I'm not about to move in with anyone, but for future reference, just wondering people's take on living together. Does it make marriage less likely to happen? Almost every guy I know says he wouldn't marry someone until he had lived with them first to "make sure." That sounds scary to me - like I would be in a perpetual interview process the whole time.

Note: I've lived with guys before, but didn't wonder/care about the marriage issue back then.

I have always heard that marriage is less likely to happen & you are more likely to break up if you live together before marriage.

This makes no sense to me. When you get married, you will live together too. The only difference is that you are married. Its not like your relationship will stay together no matter what even if you are married, because you can always get divorced.

I know plenty of people, like even my relatives who have lived together before they got married & they are happily together still today.

I think its possible that marriage could be less likely to happen when you live together. Its like maybe the couple thinks why get married when they are just happy living together. Maybe they see no need at the moment to take the next step because they are already living their lives together. Of course not everyone would think like that, but I could see how it could happen.

I don't think that you are more likely to break up though. I don't see how that could be possible. If its meant to be, it works out. If its not meant to be, then it doesn't work out. I don't think it has anything to do with your living arrangments.

I think its better to live together before you get married. That way you can actually see if that person is someone you can live with. If you realize you can't stand the way they live, then you will know that its best not to marry them. Of course I believe that you should only move in with a person if you are truly in love & think this person could be the one you want to marry. I don't think its good for couples who have been together a couple of months & have a lot of prolems in their relationship, thats when the break up gets messy & living together will just make the break up even more messy.

I personally think that living together first is a good idea. Can you imagine getting married and then finding out that you absolutely hate living with the person. That wouldn't be a good situation at all. Then you are going to have the complication of divorce on top of it all.

My Girlfriend and I lived together for 10 years. We were planning a marriage, but I guess it's better that it didn't actually happen. We certainly had a lot of time to get to know each other and that was great! I wouldn't have wanted it any other way.

Living together was not what broke us up. Her attitude change did. So my personal opinion is that living together had no negative effect on our relationship. It gave us a chance to be closer which is what we wanted all along.

John

hmmm....

I disagree with it being "a good idea" to live with someone first just to see if you're compatible in a living situation. Chances are, if you get married, you've already spent extensive time over at this person's place (or vice versa)

In my experience, I lived with my boyfriend for 1.5 years because it was convenient at the time -and just so exciting and fun. But I wanted more, and that seemed to be enough for my boyfriend for the time being...in fact, he began to back off, when the pressure of engagement was on the table: see my post:

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I hope things work out with us, but if they for some reason don't, I'm NEVER living with a guy again before we get married.

I've never heard about people getting divorced because "domestically" they couldn't get along. I'm sure there's more to divorce than someone not doing the dishes, or having little annoying habits. In my case, I felt that since we were already reaping the benefits of marriage without actually getting married, there was no catalyst to get my boyfriend to propose!!!

On another note, I don't necessarily think living together destines you for failure. I know a few couples who have gotten engaged and married after living together. HOWEVER, before anyone moves in, they should discuss a general timeline, to make sure both parties are on the same page.

I've never heard about people getting divorced because "domestically" they couldn't get along.

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Well that's not usually the terminology they use. However... not getting along domesticlly would be categorized under the title of "irreconcilable differences". That's a term I'm sure you have heard before.

John

My mother said the same thing to me when I moved in with my boyfriend. She told me he would never marry me if I did it. I think her intention was simply that hes aleady got me now, What need has he of a wedding if we are already common law?

Actually... it's been statistically proven that couples who live together before marriage have more successful marriages and a lower divorce rate than couples who didn't co-habitate beforehand. I assume it's because these people work out the kinks of living together before marriage, so when they finally wed, they've already made it through the adjustment period and know that they can, indeed, live together.

I know I'll live with my boyfriend for awhile before we get married.

If it is a statistic that marriages are more likely to work if people live together then it must be a statistic taken in north american like countries. In countries like north america the divorce rate is astronomical compared to countries such as sri lanka and where arranged marriages are common divorce is a rare occurrence. So I think on a world wide basis those statistics arent as acurate as you might think.

Actually... it's been statistically proven that couples who live together before marriage have more successful marriages and a lower divorce rate than couples who didn't co-habitate beforehand. I assume it's because these people work out the kinks of living together before marriage, so when they finally wed, they've already made it through the adjustment period and know that they can, indeed, live together.

I'm sorry Mermaid but the opposite is true. Actually I was curious about this too. I did lots of research before, and I can tell you that this is the exact OPPOSITE of what is the case. People who live together are LESS likely to have a successful marriage. Actually, I couldn't find ONE source that said that people who live together have better luck with marriage. Actually the consensus is astounding. It's not just the religious, it's the psychologists and researchers who say this.

Check out the statistics on almost ANY link:

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Several Studies sited here:

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I know it seems counterintuitive, because many people couldn't dream without a "test period" but one of the sources (which I can't find now) pointed to several possibilities why cohabiting couples are less successful in living together and marriage:

-this "test period" becomes more and more comfortable

-those more apt to live together are those more likely to not commit.

-those that do marry or less likely to work on the relationship if it starts to go sour.

I wish I could find the link, but I do remember that the best way to make sure you're not a statistic is to get a ring on your finger first (and this article didn't seem optimistic about that either). My research changed my mind so much that I decided I will NOT live with someone before proposing. I know people feel they need the "test period" but don't let that get in the way of committing to the life together.

Hmm, that's interesting.

Well, I still believe that it's better to live with someone first. My mom lived with her second husband for several years before getting married, and they're still together many years later--as husband and wife.

Perhaps it just depends, as so many things do, on the individuals.

Hmm, that's interesting.

 

Well, I still believe that it's better to live with someone first. My mom lived with her second husband for several years before getting married, and they're still together many years later--as husband and wife.

Be careful, assuming one personal case makes the rule is one of the worst fallacies you can make.

Perhaps it just depends, as so many things do, on the individuals.

But you're right here.

Hmm, that's interesting.

 

Well, I still believe that it's better to live with someone first. My mom lived with her second husband for several years before getting married, and they're still together many years later--as husband and wife.

 

Be careful, assuming one personal case makes the rule is one of the worst fallacies you can make.

 

Perhaps it just depends, as so many things do, on the individuals.

 

But you're right here.

I'm not assuming one personal case makes the rules. I just happen to know several people (besides my mom) who lived together and then got married--and, come to think of it, I don't know anyone, personally, who got married without living together first. I do, however, know a guy who has been dating someone for five years and they don't live together and have yet to even broach the topic of marriage.

Anyway, I'll still try and track down the article in which I read it was statistically better--just for the hell of it, so I know I'm not crazy... lol.

I believe living together before marriage is good, it lets you see another side of them, and lets you see how they handle different situations. It also tests how devoted you are, because it's much harder to work through a fight/argument when you have got to go to sleep in the same house (I say house not bed, cause that what couches are for, LOL )

I'm not assuming one personal case makes the rules. I just happen to know several people (besides my mom) who lived together and then got married--and, come to think of it, I don't know anyone, personally, who got married without living together first. I do, however, know a guy who has been dating someone for five years and they don't live together and have yet to even broach the topic of marriage.

 

Anyway, I'll still try and track down the article in which I read it was statistically better--just for the hell of it, so I know I'm not crazy... lol.

Hey I'm not saying not to live together. I plan on doing it too (after I propose). I just don't want you to make the mistakes that all the other people make. I mean it's one thing to believe that what you and your bf have is different. That's TOTALLY OK. And I would agree with you because I've read your posts.

But please don't throw all these statistics out the window (the amount of evidence was overwhelming) in a stubborn insistence to believe the 1, 5, or 40 couples that you know who didn't marry without living together first, or as some seem to do and trust their intuition. (Actually I found many bleak case histories but didn't post them.) A handful of cases doesn't make a rule. The fact is that if you cohabit first your are 65% more likely to separate

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So it really seems that your CHANCES are less in your favor if you move in together. That doesn't mean it's going to happen to you. Now that you know you should find out why these other marriages failed and work so that you don't have similar problems. But please don't ignore the evidence.

I mean it's one thing to believe that what you and your bf have is different. That's TOTALLY OK. And I would agree with you because I've read your posts.

Well, thanks--that was sweet.

And no, I definitely won't ignore the statistics as they are. But just as I wouldn't have planned my future around them if they were what I'd originally thought them to be, I'm not going to let them be the sole influence in my decision about whether or not to move in with my boyfriend prior to marriage. I do think they're something to consider--as any level-headed decision is based on weighing all the facts--but I'm also going to take into consideration my relationship and the other person involved. I think all of these things motivate a couple's ultimate choice of whether to marry or to not.

I have seen studies to where it showed that living together first led to higher chances of divorce, and some of these studies did offer a possible reason:

Many couples who move in together before marriage do it to "try it out" and then see what happens or...after a reasonable amount of time one feels "obligated" to propose (after which time there may already be some resentment!).

So, sometimes the couples did not have the same shared goals to begin with, and rushed into marriage, or did it because it was the thing to do.

Also, living together does not necessarily have same commitment as marriage, sometimes this might carry through to the marriage?

Studies showed that those who had INTENT to marry or were engaged did not fall into this higher divorce rate as much.

My mother and "common law stepfather" have now been living together (unmarried) for almost 18 years! They are an incredibly happy couple (both were previously married). If they ever get married, great! If not, that is alright, as I know they ARE committed to the relationship and one another. So living together or not do not necessarily lead to higher splits/divorces - it all depends on the people and their perspectives of the living together/marriage, etc.

I do think they're something to consider--as any level-headed decision is based on weighing all the facts--but I'm also going to take into consideration my relationship and the other person involved.

Ok good. It just sounded like you were being stubborn and weren't going to listen to opposing viewpoints

That's what I believe. And my boyfriend and I definitely have the intent to marry.

If you are interested in reading a definitive source for marriage, divorce, and cohab stats you can find it here from the National Center for Health Statistics:

cdc.gov/nchs/data/series/sr_23/sr23_022.pdf

They confirm the correlation between cohabitation and increased likelihood of divorce but mark the increase at only 9%. Some other generalizations about cohabs, often younger in age, often from divorced parents, have lower socioeconomic status. Numerous studies show that these are risk factors for higher divorce rates whether a couple decide to live together before marriage or not. Thus begging the question "Does cohabitation cause increased divorce rates, or is the correlation confounded by a high prevalence of risk factors for divorce in the cohab population?"

I think Raykay made a lot of good points on this. Personally, I think the experience of being married i.e. deciding that you will commit to someone whom you love "for forever, through whatever, and wherever the two of you may be" in a relationship means a lot. Hopefully couples who have reached this point know each other fully, have discussed relational goals and aspirations, and have also worked together to recognize and establish positive conflict resolution methods.

According to marriage research the best predictor of divorce is an inability to handle conflict in a healthy manner. John Gottman one of the most respected relationship researchers in the nation found that a five to one ration of positive to negative interaction to be an almost perfect predictor of relational success or failure. Couples who have at least five times as much positive interaction than negative have the most stable relationships. Husbands being willing to take advice and information from their wives was also very important. See:

depts.washington.edu/uweek/archives/1998.02.FEB_26/_article6.html

Before I make the decision to cohabitate with someone and take on those responsibilities, I want to be sure that I'm committed as fully to that person as I can be (i.e. married) because relationships are all about working together and there will be times with financial stress, children, etc. when all the commitment you posess is needed to hold the two of you together.

My long five cents.... I hope at least two were useful.

All the best...