Need some advice...

Hi.

My situation here is a little weird, and because of these circumstances, I cannot really talk about it with people who are close to me, so I hope I can get some advice here. I apologize in advance for the length of this, but it's a pretty complex situation.

As of last year when I was in my early 20s, I had never had a girlfriend or any type of physical relationship with a female. Because I am shy and passive, I never really had the guts to develop that type of relationship with someone, despite the fact that I have many female friends. I am not good at picking up a girl's signals, so I am sure that there have been girls perhaps interested in me who I never pursued.

Anyway, so last summer, a girl at work who is approximately 10 years older than me starts chasing me around, following me here and there, wanting to go to lunch, sending me email, etc. etc. We were already good friends, and one day she tells me point blank that she is attracted to me (to make it obvious since she has already recognized my naivity on picking up signals)... But there's one little fly in the ointment: she is presently still married, although she is "separated" from her husband due to a physical condition (i.e., impotence). Anyway, me, being desperate for love, affection, and stimulated by the thought of someone being attracted to me, decide that regardless of her situation, I would date her. Looking back, I am not sure what I would do if I could redo everything.

Not surprisingly considering my personality, I fall madly in love with her on so many levels. This is despite the fact that she actually moved back in with her husband recently, so finding an outlet for us to be together was difficult. I lived with my parents at the time, so what happened was we became a couple of high-schoolers, making out in the car. My response was to move out of my folks house into my own apartment to have an outlet. I was planning on moving out soon, but the situation with her greatly accelerated the process.

Anyway, she is quite active in many activities. That, coupled with the fact she has to go home to her husband, means that there is little time for us to be together. Usually we spend Friday nights after work until midnight together. We spend the evening together, and as soon as I begin to feel close to her, she has to go back home. This has gone on quite some time, and is beginning to really bother me. I want to be with her so badly, but the situation prevents it. I go through emotional turmoil and withdrawal very often after she leaves. And to make matters worse, once summer hits, she has even more activities to do, taking up even more of her time. Translation: there will be even less time for me. I think she has spent maybe a half dozen nights with me. Her husband is quite passive on the situation. It's kind of like he knows something is going on, but either doesn't know who it is or it doesn't bother him.

I am pretty sure that she loves me. She is planning on getting a divorce, but doesn't seem to quick on completing the necessary tasks to do so. I get many indications that she loves me very much (e.g., cards, a list of why she loves me, etc). But sometimes there are indications that I am not very important. For example, I went into the hospital and the next day, I needed a ride home from work that night. However, there was celebration going on in the office that day due to some successful business contract, and everyone started drinking. She got buzzed and was not able to drive me home. I really, really felt that she let me down that day. I forgive her, but it still hurts that even though she knew I counted on her, she chose to get drunk regardless. And then recently, we had planned to go on a week long vacation. However, a friend of hers (female) offered to take her to Europe, since this friend is originally from there. She told me she really wants to go, and I understand that completely and want her to go as well because I want her to be happy doing things she wants to do. It's just we had scheduled that week to go on vacation together and since she is still living with her husband, she can't take a week off again without it arousing some suspicion I guess. I think what's bothering me on this is the fact that she doesn't seem to eager to try to reschedule a vacation with me. Also, sometimes I feel that (perhaps unknown to her) when I need her the most, she is not there for me because she has to be somewhere else.

I really keep feeling like I am getting the short end of the stick in this relationship. She holds all of the cards, and I just keep getting feelings of emptiness.

I should mention that I strongly believe that at least initially, she sought me out for sex. This was based on her previous acts of infidelity with others before me. Based on my upbringing and values, I have not had sex with her yet. In the beginning, I had the initial thought that if I said "no" to sex she would leave me. So I kept my answer purposely vague when she would ask.

After about 5 months of dating, I answered her directly that I would not have sex until we got married if that would ever happen. She was disappointed, and I told her I was vague because I thought she would leave me if I said no. She told me that if she knew that initially, she would have left me, but at the 5 month mark, things were different. I am guessing that her initial quest to get sex actually turned out unexpected because we fell in love with each other.

I can't imagine my life without her, but I also feel that she is not and perhaps cannot ever meet all of my needs. In this puppy love phase, I want to spend a lot of time with her, but it doesn't happen because of the situation I've described. It is especially hard since this is my first love. So I guess I am very unsure about what to do. I don't want to break up with her and regret it forever, but I also don't want to live where I keep feeling incomplete.

Perhaps the biggest difference between us is that I am a very spiritual person and she would rather go out to a bar. This is probably a red flag, but I make a list of things about her that bother me and I always end it with, "but I love her so much." I feel kinda pathetic too. The only woman I have ever dated is someone who can't get sex from her husband.

I know that a thought of many here is that "He doesn't believe in premarital sex, but he doesn't mind dating a married woman." This is very true, and this has bothered me so much. I began dating her because, as I said, I was so desperate for love and romance that I went against my value system there. If I had a girlfriend before, I probably would not have gone out with her, but I wanted someone to love so badly...

It's just so hard to leave because I love her so much and I do not want to be alone again. When I am with her, I am happier than I have ever been. But this still doesn't keep the emptiness from going away when she goes for the night or is too busy to see me. I keep thinking I deserve better. Sometimes it seems like she gets her fill-up at "Joe's Affection Station" and once she is full, she goes. Like the other day, she shows up at my place very early in the morning to get some attention/affection/smooching etc. Now if I need affection, I cannot do that because of her living arrangements. I have to deal with feelings of emptiness and loneliness. Plus like on Valentine's Day, I wanted to surprise her by showing up with a dozen roses before she left for work. Guess what? I couldn't do that either. It seems that I am there for her when she needs me, but it doesn't seem that she is there for me when I need her. I could be wrong because I cannot read her mind, but it sure seems that she is not in tune with my feelings. I can't help but thinking that I have been nominated for Patsy of the Year.

Recently, I was talking with her and she is currently in the process of getting a divorce. I am really not sure what this means, so I was hoping to get some opinions on it. Personally, I am worried about becoming the next "victim" because she'll get bored with me and then go after somebody else.

This is so hard, because sometimes it's just so perfect being with her. But then sometimes it's like I have to be available for her, but she wants to continue to do all the activities she wants, not wanting to give up anything. It's like she wants to have her cake and eat it too... she wants a relationship with a man, but just wants to compartmentalize it and not make me a partner. I do stuff, but not as much as her. She said something to the extent of "I need someone like you who's not involved as much as me." I keep feeling like she's always the one who is in control. Am I being used here? I kinda feel like it but love is really blinding me.

I am also afraid that when I do finally get the strength to break up with her, it will leave me bitter about these types of relationships because I will never want to get close to someone again. It is very hard for me to get close to people to begin with and I am concerned that I will not want to go through all of this again, so I will never get into another relationship.

She is in the process of getting a divorce (she claims to have already filled out the paperwork). Now the question arises as to whether anything will change for the better with her (e.g., she will be able to spend more time with me because she won't have to go necessarily go home every night). But I am also wondering if her behavior is just her nature or because of the situation. I don't want to end the relationship before she "takes care of things" because things could be completely resolved. I have tried to talk to her about it to see what she is going through, but she doesn't really want to talk about it. All she says is "I am working on it and these things take time." So my question to you all is, am I making a mistake sticking around to see if things get better once the divorce goes through and hopefully her living arrangements change? Or am I digging myself into a deeper hole than I already have? I have wrestled for weeks whether how she acts is just how she is or is because of the odd situation we are in. She claims to need a partner in life, but her behavior is more in tune with being completely independent, and I am not sure how I fit into her life sometimes. More often than not, at the present time, I just feel like an add-on.

In this situation, the correct, albeit logical and unemotional, answer is obvious. But it's not easy when you love someone with every part of your being. How have others out there broken up with someone who is treating them unfairly but is loved so much and a person that you have made so many sacrifices for? I am really hoping that someone out there can provide some advice on what to do....

Joe

Hi Joe,

First of all welcome to eNotalone.com and thank you for coming to us for seeking advice. I am sorry to hear that you are going through such a difficult time. I understand that things are really hard for you right now.

First of all I would like to explain you that coming out of a marriage and being in the process of a divorce is an extremely difficult situation. Even though there might be so many valid reasons for divorcing, there are so much feelings and emotions involved. Those feelings and emotions don't pass overnight, no matter how bad the marriage has been. The longer they have been married, the intenser those feelings and emotions are. From that point of view, the woman is right.

In your message you have been questioning a lot of things about the young woman. What if 'this'? What if 'that'? But it was all based on her. My suggestion is that you start to focus on yourself first. What do you expect out of a relationship with her and how far are you going to take this. There is now way to tell if you are meant to be together, but you have to set boundaries for yourself and find out what you would accept and what not.

I have been in a similar situation as you have been: dating a married woman that was going through a divorce. I got out of that relationship with her. She was too busy with herself and not taking any of my feelings into account. I found that unacceptable. I have been stupid at that time, but I learnt from it. The relationship was too stressful.

I hope that this helps you in making the right decision that works for you and wish you a happier future.

~ SwingFox ~

I tried writing earlier, but the site switching made it impossible so I finally get my chance!

I know you love this woman, and love can seem to forgive a lot of misdeeds, but what if you took love out of the equation? Would you want a friend to treat you this way? To ignore how you feel? Ignore how they are hurting you? My guess is no. You wouldn't put up with this from a friend, and you should definitely not put up with this from someone who is supposed to love you. You deserve a lot better than that.

It seems at this point in time, she's wrapped up in her own stuff and is just not ready for a relationship, no matter what she keeps telling you. Her behavior is telling you something different. Her behavior is telling you the truth of the situation.

I know it hurts to end something that you feel comfortable in because you're always telling yourself that what if this is it? What if I can't do any better? Maybe I deserve this kind of treatment and should just shut up and deal with it? Trust me, no one deserves this kind of treatment in what is supposed to be a committed relationship.

I wish you luck and hope things turn out ok.