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Thread: Some advice. Big break up ++

  1. #1
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    Some advice. Big break up ++

    In the month running up to xmas, I have seen two funerals and my soul mate leave me. In the order, funeral, break up, funeral. I know this can not be dealt with and there is a queue for my soul right now, time will heal me I know. There is nothing I can do about the deaths, except extend any remaining function pieces of my heart to those left behind. The break up, I can see and there is still decisions that will affect both our lives to be made.

    I found out on the 14th of December that my girlfriend of 6 and a half years felt it was over. Needed space and time to know for sure, felt it was worth taking the chance with what we had to end it and if it really was true love and meant to be, then we would find each other again. She left an open phone and an open offer of friendship, basically she feels we grew up together, but into different people and that we dont want the same things in life.

    There has been tension in recent years since our peak in the year 2000 about income and the fact it is required to build us a life together. She was working the whole way through our relationship, but I was only working occasionally and at college occasionally, but quite often unemployed and doing nothing. We still loved each other and still had amazing times, we still agree on that.

    We had lived together from 6 months in, until a year and a half ago. She moved out from the flat at the top of my family home and into a flat for us, like we had had before the first year we lived together. Yet I was not allowed to move in without a job.

    Having just started a degree and late in life at 25, I did not want to devote time away from it to work, I wanted to get the best possible mark, and learn as much as possible, if my career, I had avoided for too long was to have any chance. thereforeeeeeee the low bills of a flat in my family home with a little support from my mother, I could study almost full time and still learn skills like web design.

    This in the end has broke us apart. Has told her we want different things. I disagree and say that I was just heading in a different direction, getting a degree would mean a better job in the future than no degree and a dead end job in an office or factory. Something that still bothers me to think of doing everyday.

    However, that is with hind sight of a healing wound I see those things broke us up. At the time, her love for me was strong as it had always been, even when she moved out, she phoned me, told me to come down, and I practically lived there day in day out. (She ruined her own lure, by letting me "practically" live there)

    I was a bit depressed for the last year, maybe because the relationship was head for the bin and I knew it, but I think it is more likely that I felt trapped that I could not stop it. I tried to will myself to get a job and failed, which raised massive motivational questions and I over analysed the whole thing and got caught in my own head destroying myself from the inside out. I used her to hide, and she let me, loved me, comforted me and carried me through the last year. Nobody else knew of these demons in my head only her, my soul mate, best friend and lover.

    That is what I left her to love in the end. A broken man, on benefits, half a degree and a barely ticking over small business that clung to her when everyone was saying... "What are you doing with him... Do you not see it is over?". Finally, the wolves got in to her head, she listened to what people said, and made a break for it.

    Problem was I was ready to get a job, a week before she told me, I had really felt that I could motivate to work and study. How? When I woke up and asked, "Why should I get out of bed and go and work in a job?" I could look beside me in the bed and around at our life together and say, "That's why."

    You see the mixure of in my head, an 18 year old, best friend of her sister killed in car accident, that hit her hard, and I was a little screwed up, not at being close to the girl, but at someone I had very recently and quite often met, so young could ..... Then when I fear my depression could make me give up everything, degree, business startup, everything, I realise I can do it for my girlfriend if I can't do it for myself. She dumped me clean, cold and went out and let her hair down. BOOOMM!!!! It ignited.

    When I was still realing from the fire and bleeding of my soul, my grandfather died, in bed in our house. It was expected but it still was a kick in the teeth when you are down. The fact that the ex came to the funeral and I begged her to come back with me on that day, makes my conscious sore.

    I was completely broken for days. In total from the 14th when I was dumped, followed by this death, I struggled to breath, eat, sleep, go out and did nothing but smoke fags and drink coffee for 2 weeks.

    During that time, I was still in contact with the ex, I begged her, pleaded with her, kept phoning her, ended up in bed with her again, and she threw me out, said it was just a physical urge and meant nothing. I broke all the rules. Destroyed all self respect, and most of her respect for me. I went out to a party with our friiends with her there and tried to party like always, including amphedamines... Big mistake.

    The deciding factor on my behaviour was her, used to be positive, in that we supported each other no matter how freaked out of ed up we became on or after drugs, we had only ever partied this way together, I introduced her to the crowd we were with as well and now I had none of that and in fact she was a negative factor, hanging around a male friend, if I say he is more than a friend I really do think I am being paranoid, but she isn't my girlfriend anymore.... and its possible. That night however, paranoia and rapid thinking, unclear brain of mine lost it. No fights, no major scenes, raised voices in the street, me calling at her door at 6am then 7am because the male friend was there, coming down from speed with her and that should be me, but he was alone with her... "slept on the sofa?" or was he just being a friend cause she was breaking up with her boy friend? Is it any of my business?

    We are still on speaking terms, amazingly, we were always the closest of friends the whole way through. This is the decision I face now.

    Is there anyway to keep the friend?

    If I take her friendship now, I need to manage my feelings very strickly. I am worried about seeing her live a life without me, for other people to be showing her life, and really concerned about seeing her meet another man, or even have a snog in the bar, especially if I haven't got out to do that first. It would simlpy be more hurt. Yet we live in a small town and our friends over lap in quite a few places by now of course. She works 200 yards away. I will hear these things anyway, or maybe see them anyway, if I walk into a local bar, and she is sat with a male, I will think these things.

    So these hurts will come whether I take her as a friend or not. Yet, there is still uncertainy in her eyes. Yes, she is serious and determined to try life on her own again, and it is over, I accept it. Yet if I remain in her life as a friend and she claims not to be looking for someone else and hasnt thought about it... yet, then I might just be there for her again when it counts or we could grow around this and fall in love again.

    ... or I could get badly hurt time and time again worse than if I hear on the grapevine...

    What if I found someone first?

    Sorry for the long post and the rambling. I feel I am passing into acceptance, but I still see decisions to be made, I still see glints on the horizon that might just be a better love with this ever so special girl, and any advice is greatfully received. Getting Ready for a First Date

  2. #2
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    Don't be her friend, it will make it harder to heal. Don't call her. Let her know that she can contact you if she is interested in getting back in the relationship. This way she has a chance to miss you. Also gives you a chance to move on easier over time.

  3. #3
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    Thanks

    Thanks for your reply. It has now been nearly 6 weeks and yes up until new years I was in contact with her, and yes it was torture.

    There are still things that need to be finallised but, like a large amount of stuff she still has left at my flat. Worse yet, both of our photo collections from before and during the relationship are all mixed in one big box in my bedroom. Looking through them is a strange experience, happiness, now tainted with regret and longing. They need to be divided.

    I think the thing the relationship lacks is closure, but I am not sure I want it yet. Not sure it is time. Friends tell me, that it is too soon and the wound too fresh for me and my exe to really know what we are doing. Leaving it to settle for maybe a month or two more, might change things completely. Leaving it until we can meet up and have a good talk about what happened, where the relationship was going, and why she really felt it was over.

    I have plenty of time to sit and think about it, and have basically thought my way through the whole thing continuosly for 5 weeks. My exe however, has a very demanding job and active family and social life, she is also preparing to move back home to her mums soon, so she has most likely not had time to think about it all really. (Unless, as I suspect she has been thinking about it for month prior to the break up, easing herself into it, before she told me.

    It hurts me that while we were together, for nearly 7 years, she barely scratched a finger, not to mention the fact I saved her life more than once. Now we are apart and in those 5 or 6 weeks, she has, torn her knee cap, burnt her back, got a throat infection, and now has an absess and a tooth out. I mean, I want to be there more than ever to help her, but she doesn't contact me, doesn't think to phone me for help or someone to talk to.

    Well... Last night I fired a shell of my own and I think it landed were it was intended to, bang on target... maybe not.

    I texted her to tell her, the stuff she left her was boxed and ready for her to collect. She replied that she was off work and promised to get round to see me, and pick up the stuff. I waited in until 10pm, no sign. So I texted her with, "Not tonight them?", she replied, "I have a ing absess and had to go to an emergency dentist, so I am not in the mood.". I did one of my famous one word cut downs, that can be devastating if used in exactly right place and context. I simply replied, "Whatever."

    I have shown her nothing but the fact that I still care, and stlil want to be there for her. That message was the first time, I said, "Well, I don't care, I'm moving on, do what you want." Maybe it will make her feel a little of what that is like. Maybe it will say to her that I will not be waiting around for her to change her mind, that I am not a plan B anymore, and if she has any doubts about us, she should hurry up and come back, or lose me for good.

    Maybe it will just piss her off.

    Thanks for your reply.

  4. #4
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    If you two were to make it work again, it probably wouldn't be now. Whatever caused her to decide to break up is still probably fresh in her mind, and you are probably right -- she had it planned and prepared for the breakup a few months before it happened. I think your best chances are if all of a sudden you stop contacting her, in a way that she can imagine you met some other wonderful girl. She may imagine that you are happy with someone else, and that may make her jealous enough to want you. Remember, people want what they can't have. Also take a look at the things you may have done that bothered her, and at some point tell her you are sorry and would never do those things again. However it may take some time apart before she would accept that as genuine. Unfortunately she is in the power position now... she feels she can have your friendship and be broken up at the same time. Show her that she cannot have it both ways, that if she wants your friendship then she should be back in the real relationship. Overall though, be nice, be apologetic, and let her imagine you met some other wonderful girl replacement.

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  6. #5
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    You know what... I see a way to kill two birds with one stone....

    She has still to collect all her stuff from my house. If I demand she collects it, becuase, "it's in my bedroom" and that doesn't look good does it... "hint hint". it could be done in a way as to suggest I need rid of it because I can't have my exes stuff in my bedroom if I have met someone else.... kinda put a bit of urgency into it to give that impression.

    I can also point out that once she gets this stuff out of my house, I can stop speaking to her for good. Over, done, dusted, gone, moving on.

    She really is holding me on a string and she wont admit it. Even when I ask her the question, "Do you think there is any chance of us getting back..." the answer is only... "I dont think so." She isn't sure. You are right that if I leave that door open for her, she will take as long as she likes, and lose respect for me as well.

    besides, I know it is a challenge getting used to being single again, and the experience of that level of pain all in one go has already made me stronger as a person.

    Thanks again.


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