breaking up

Okay when I was 12, I had problems with the friends I hung out with, so I needed a change. I needed a new bestfriend so i could have a fresh start. So one day in 1st period, I met this girl, and over time we became bestfriends. She always told me about her cute cousin, Brad, who I needed to meet. And finally one day I did get to meet him. And when I first saw Brad, he was with one of his friends.. and Its funny because I was actually attracted to his friend more than him. But after awhile Brad grew on me, and one day I picked up the phone and told my bestfriend how cute I thought Brad was. The next thing I knew me and Brad were going out, (after 3 hours of my bestfriend begging him to go out with me). He said I wasn't his type.. But he gave me a chance to prove him wrong. We spent everyday talking to eachother about life, and how much we meant to one another. He started telling me he loved me.. but you know at 12 years old.. who knows what love is? I think I just told him I loved him back, because I didn't want to hurt him. We had a lot of problems within our relationship, and the fact that my bestfriend decided she no loner wanted me to be with her cousin. She said I left her out, and all i ever wanted to do was be with Brad or be talking to him, which was tue. So one day she made me chose who I wanted.. which was so not fair, because I wanted both of them in my life, not just one of them. So I chose my bestfriend.. after all they do say guys come and go, and friends are forever. Me and Brad still talked all night long, and we still wanted to be with eachother more than anything. So after awhile he got tired of not being with me, and he asked me to go out with him again. Of course I said yes. For the first time in my life, I knew I loved him, and I no longer said it just to be saying it. Things between us were great but one day i woke up and I didn't want to be with him anymore. I think I was just scared at the whole fact how close me and Brad were getting. When I broke up with Brad he was so mad.. he cussed, fussed.. everything.. but I knew it was something I had to do. I sat in a chair all day long trying to call him back, and apologize, but he left the phone off the hook, so I said screw it.. I can find another guy. Now 3 years later I still look back at those moments and cry because I no longer have him. Its funny because no guy can ever compare, he'll alwayz be the one I want. He tells me he likes me as a friend, but with me thats just not enough. He changed my life, and I mean yeah he was my first love, and everyone says youre first love must come to an end. But I don't see why after 3 years I still love him through everything hes done to me, and I mean 3 YEARS!!.. I want him back more than ever, and I don't know what to do.. I just feel like a big part of me is missing since I no longer have him. Please help me.. I would appreciate it..

Sorry so Long

~Jenn email removed

I understand what your going through. If i was you i would just be friends with brad right now and over time you probably will become closer again and he will go back out with you. He is probably really hurt because you cant make up your mind. U go out with him and then you break up with him. Think of how he feels. The reason he only likes you as a friend is because you have hurt him so much.You should try calling him just as a friend for right now and see if he wants to go hang out somtime. And just see things from there.

Your past has come back to haunt you and now its time to pay your dues.

Now that is not saying that you should attack yourself for your wrong decision about what happened. But you should use it as a guide for the type of man that you seek out in the future.

Let the lesson be why you should not make a decision like the way you did about this past relastionship.

Don't feel bad about your feelings. You have matured more and now see what you really desire in a relationship and the thoughts of knowing you might have had it once are just feeling your mind.

You may never get him back so accept the reality, don't be so hard on yourself and focus on meeting some new people.

Things will work out for you.