first true love lost - confused on what to do next...

Hello, thanks in advance to anyone reading this long post....

My ex and I were in a relationship for 4 years, living together for two. We started dating young and we both felt like a relationship was the next step. We were quite young, 21 and 18, and became best friends with lots of things in common. Plus, a great, smart, loving, romantic relationship.

A couple of years into the relationship we decided to do our first big 'move out' together, and learned how to be adults together, we were a great team. All this time our relationship had some ups and downs, but we were always able to communicate what our issues were, so it was possible to improve these with some work. After about 3 years we started to talk about the doubts we had - where was this relationship going? Neither of us were really aiming for marriage at only 25/23, maybe someday in the future we said, once we are happy with our lifestyles and careers and ourselves. It began to feel like we were tying each other down from other -unknown- opportunities. I was very unhappy at my job and was in a depressing, painful, soul-searching state, trying to find the best direction to aim my life. But through this, our relationship was still something I believed in, even though I knew how much effort it was taking to keep running smoothly. I began to think my effort instead should be focused on changing my career so I would be happier, and therefore a better partner. Around this point I began to sink very low, prompting talks from my girlfriend about how she was worried about my mental health. I started to feel like a burden because I couldn't shake this depression and doubt and it was ruining our relationship.

I decided to end our relationship while I went through a new program at school so I could focus all my energy on improving myself and school, and although she was very hurt, she knew it was best too, because it was becoming overwhelming with all the ups and downs. We were having troubles at the time too - especially in the bedroom, keeping the spark in our sex life was becoming frustrating. Of course, I can't really blame either of us because I was in such a bad mental state that it doesn't surprise me if she wasn't interesting in sex...I was so confused about if we should stay together, or if it would be best for us to split and experience the single 20's life for the 1st time. She ended up telling me one day about a 'sexual experiment' she had with one of her girlfriends (and my friend too) because she was confused about why she wasn't feeling into sex. She said it wasn't a very good experience and I told her I understand even though I was hurt by her not telling me these feelings until afterwords...But still I felt betrayed by this...

So, lets fast-forward. It's been almost 5 months since our separation. I have 1 semester left at school, which I've felt has been a great help in pulling me out've this funk, meeting lots of new people, etc. I've been focusing on my mental and physical health, stopped abusing marijuana, drinking much less, and I have to say I'm feeling a lot more positive and optimistic and stronger than before. But I still think about her everyday. About 1 month ago, I gave her a call to try to talk to her about the possibility of trying to work things out, but she said -quite angrily- that she's in no place to be in a relationship with anyone right now, and if things are going to work out, then they will do so naturally. I understand her still being hurt - the pain is still fresh even with me still. Part of me really wants to move on to someone new, but I'm still caught up on her...often I think about how GREAT things once were with us, and how great they could be if we can work out a future together, and I'm worried that I'll never find someone like her again. I know what we had was true love, but it ended up drifting so far from that near the end... But I also feel like we both need to experience the world separately if we're ever to come to the conclusion that our relationship is worth re-kindling...we still talk once in a while too, which both feels good and bad simultaneously...We were such close friends and she's been such a major part of my life, it's still hard to imagine not having her around at all. But when I see her in person (which has only happened a couple of times - mostly when I move my things from our old apartment or see her around town), I just get overwhelmed with the feelings I once had for her...when she says bye she will still give me a hug or a cheek-kiss...which gets my mind reminiscing on the past, which makes it harder to move forward. Lately, we haven't talked at all, but still, I can't stop thinking about her...

So, there you have it...I guess I'm really just looking for any advice at all...what to do next? I feel so incredibly STUCK!!!

Such is life

It's hard to have a stable long term relationship when you're going through major life changes. Most young relationships don't survive through the high school to college to work transitions. Know that this is just part of the sad reality of growing up. Right now, there's nothing you can do. The timing isn't right. After graduation, if you feel like you're stable enough career wise to know what you want, ask her again if she's ready to try again. Maybe she will be, maybe not. It takes two to tango.

5 months is nothing. When you're back with her, what's going to change though? If it's going to be the same, you'll just break up again.

But I also feel like we both need to experience the world separately if we're ever to come to the conclusion that our relationship is worth re-kindling.

I think you're right about this