Nearly 2.5 months NC, slip-ups, advice

Hey guys I haven't posted in a while, just wanted to give you all an update and some advice with NC.

I'm almost 2.5 months in with two slip up's total both of which made me feel pretty stupid but actually helped me heal even more. You can read my previous posts with other advice on things to/to not do when it comes to NC and to get a better idea of what my relationship was like.

Basics: me 26, her 22 about to be a college graduate

Total time dating: about a year and 2 months

Reason for the breakup: she wanted space initially to focus on school, wanted to remain best friends, didn't want any relationship but claiming she still loves me and always will. I tried this for a limbo period of about 4-5 months and then decided to start NC. She got a new boyfriend sometime after I started NC but they're not official (no surprise to me, she won't commit.) A lot of people have challenged this in my previous posts but I still remain convinced she really didn't have him lined up. I think me leaving scared her into his arms (he's not her type, see my last part of this post where I talk about GIGS)

All I can tell you is, NC is a must. I will admit I first used it in hopes that it would make my ex care more or become curious, and sorry to let a lot of you down but it hasn't really done anything in terms of her but it HAS helped me immensely.

It isn't easy. I've had 2 slip up's..the first was about 1 month in I had to meet up with her to get my extra house key back and I think I tried a little to hard to seem nonchalant which basically backfired on me the minute I was face to face with her...I got emotional quick, asking her about the new guy, we both cried, I felt totally stupid, asked her to leave and went strict NC again up until about 2 weeks ago which was when my second slip up happened

Basically this was the interaction that made a light bulb go off in my head. Basically the breakthrough I've been hoping and praying for...and it has nothing to do with reconciliation.

You see the whole month after I met up with her for the key I had the most intense anxiety I've ever had mostly because of how weird it was when we met up and how I had so many unanswered questions. Seeing her get emotional over me was a lot to take in as I had assumed she didn't care at all anymore. I could tell she had things she wanted to tell me but I asked her to leave before we could discuss anything. The whole thing left me feeling worse than before.

Because of this anxiety I texted her out of the blue about 2 weeks ago. Not for any other reason really besides the fact that I felt like I was going to explode due to the anxiety I had and the ruminating thoughts about what was left unsaid. This text to her was both a mistake and a blessing, if that's even possible. I started up a casual conversation which basically blew up in my face after she admitted she was still looking at my social media somehow even though I had her blocked. I was upset that she was doing this, basically keeping tabs on me but silently.

Our entire conversation consisted of me finally getting everything out on the table I've kept inside for 6 months now in huge paragraphs and her basically replying with short sentences with no kind of remorse or soft spot really for anything that happened between us anymore. I expressed how I overcame one of my biggest struggles in my life (personal things I won't post here; but something we were both always emotional and serious about me overcoming eventually) in the last 5 months and her response was literally "that's good sorry I'm not around to see it but that's life."

I can't tell if it's a defense thing or if she's really that cold and indifferent now. I feel it's somewhat defense because it's so unlike her to talk this coldly, but for my sake I hope it's the latter, because it hit me in the face like a ton of bricks and I can take it as my closure to really understand it's over and done with.

Since that conversation my anxiety is gone from the very core of my being. I have no desire to speak to her ever again. I can't even explain really what happened but it's like I'm finally done. Even if some hatred for her exists within me I swear it's a thousand times better than pining over someone or having them STILL on a pedestal after way too long. I couldn't believe how she seemed to not give a single care about me anymore but sometimes the person you fell in love with just isn't there anymore, and I also think sometimes they feel they have to be cold, mean, and indifferent in order to not give you any false hope any longer. It hurts but it's better in the long run.

I've been silently lurking these forums for the last month for a better understanding of all this and the more I read about stuff the more I realize my ex most likely has a case of GIGS and if any of you guys are in a similar breakup to mine, I suggest you check this type of breakup out. Research it. It resonates for me and gives me all the more reason to understand it's really over and the possibility of reconciliation is slim to none if not only for the sole reason that I could never see her in the same light after her change in personality and actions.

I wish you all the best. 6 months ago I couldn't imagine a life without my ex or even look at another girl in the same light, and today I can say I'll be fine no matter what happens, and I'm ready to casually date again. Go no contact, but don't feel bad if you mess up. Sometimes it takes one or two mistakes to really push on through to the other side. Also keep in mind that people can act strong through text and online but it can all be a facade. Block them. Don't look at their stuff. If you text your ex, take it with a grain of salt vs how they'd react in person. ive seen both sides and in person it's a lot harder to hide how you really feel so don't get too caught up in this kind of stuff and don't sweat it too much if they are showing off online. It's most likely not that real.

Hi Hds14

I'm new to this forum so I haven't read ur entire story. However just by what u wrote here I can totally relate. My old partner and I broke up in December but since Jan were trying to get back to each other again. He ended things again 2 weeks ago.

He has been so cold to me on the phone, via text. When I see him in person however, it is a different story. He is very emotional and still asks me for hugs and has a hard time pulling away.

I broke no contact yesterday with a very simple message or apology and that I was thinking of him and sending him light. I could see he saw it But he did not reply.

I find the coldness hurts me, rather than am able to use it as fuel. Do u have any way how to do this? Or does it just come with time I guess

Hi Hds14

 

I'm new to this forum so I haven't read ur entire story. However just by what u wrote here I can totally relate. My old partner and I broke up in December but since Jan were trying to get back to each other again. He ended things again 2 weeks ago.

 

He has been so cold to me on the phone, via text. When I see him in person however, it is a different story. He is very emotional and still asks me for hugs and has a hard time pulling away.

 

I broke no contact yesterday with a very simple message or apology and that I was thinking of him and sending him light. I could see he saw it But he did not reply.

 

I find the coldness hurts me, rather than am able to use it as fuel. Do u have any way how to do this? Or does it just come with time I guess

I think you just need more time. When I was only 3 months in I was still making up excuses for my ex no matter how she treated me. She was very hot and cold for a while, but she was always somewhat caring.

Now she seems to be a totally different person. The petty part of me wants to think maybe her plan and the new dude isn't working out how she imagined so she's trying her best to act unaffected by me calling her out on stringing me along when in reality she knows she messed up but won't allow herself to feel the emotions. It's wishful thinking but I've dated similar women before and sometime down the road they've always come back to confess exactly that....because if they never let themselves feel the loss, sh*t will hit the fan at a later time.

On the other hand though she could be totally over me and moved on 100% with no care anymore. Some people can just do that. I have no idea how.

I guess both scenarios make me angry now. I don't get sad anymore, I just get pi**ed off enough to the point where I feel fed up now and know I deserve better. I can't really make excuses for her anymore.

Yes making excuses has been something I have done in the past as well.

The last 2 weeks I have taken Alot of the blame.

I do know he cares for me, but I feel there is much anger and resenment there, and good feelings always become clouded by that. I myself keep going from anger to sorrow to missing him. Is that normal? I have had breakups before but none to this emotional magnitude.

I am currently working toward 45 days no contact. I wanted to start small so I don't hurt my progress. 90 days seemed widely out of reach.

Starting again does not feel good. In fact I feel worse off then I did 2 weeks ago.

Yes making excuses has been something I have done in the past as well.

 

The last 2 weeks I have taken Alot of the blame.

 

I do know he cares for me, but I feel there is much anger and resenment there, and good feelings always become clouded by that. I myself keep going from anger to sorrow to missing him. Is that normal? I have had breakups before but none to this emotional magnitude.

 

I am currently working toward 45 days no contact. I wanted to start small so I don't hurt my progress. 90 days seemed widely out of reach.

 

Starting again does not feel good. In fact I feel worse off then I did 2 weeks ago.

You'll be an emotional rollercoaster for a while, eventually it will get easier but yes it's totally normal.....you can liken a breakup and it's aftermath to addiction withdrawal and it's actually common to experience similar symptoms. Your mind and body need to heal. Take it easy on yourself. Nobody expects you to be totally okay after 3 months, it'll take some time.

Yes it does indeed feel like an addiction withdrawal.

It sux I just want to be over the pain and feel normal again....feel like myself you know?

Worst part is, I still hold so much love for him in my heart. I want him to be happy, I want him to do well. Even though I am angry at him and hurt

I can't tell if it's a defense thing or if she's really that cold and indifferent now.

It's definitely the latter. When a girl no longer sees a future with you, she will act like this. You no longer emotionally affect her in the same way. Don't hold on to any false hope that she has feelings for you.

You're doing great by the way. Keep it up. Start dating again ASAP and you will take the final steps to complete your healing.

It's definitely the latter. When a girl no longer sees a future with you, she will act like this. You no longer emotionally affect her in the same way. Don't hold on to any false hope that she has feelings for you.

 

You're doing great by the way. Keep it up. Start dating again ASAP and you will take the final steps to complete your healing.

Thanks yeah. It's crazy how she can act that way now but I guess in the end it's better for me. I should've known since like I said, I've had it happen before. I'm ready to push forward and find someone else. I guess with my experience with these kinds of girls though I know I'm going to have to always keep my head on straight because if sometime down the line she does try to contact me I don't want to immediately become weak. I know there's no feelings now but at trying times in their lives these kinds of girls run to who's familiar. I've always been at the point of indifference by the time any other exes returned so I can only hope if that were to ever happen with this one, I wouldn't be too affected.

Agree. She may have been having one of those 'what's out there?' existential moments and that is probably why she wanted freedom yet a new dude to hang out with. Honestly, she sounds confused.

Agree. She may have been having one of those 'what's out there?' existential moments and that is probably why she wanted freedom yet a new dude to hang out with. Honestly, she sounds confused.

Absolutely what I think is happening she's very confused. Explains why she wanted so badly to be friends and for whatever reason felt she was justified in being totally upset with me when I finally refused. I think she wanted me on a back burner and now she's mad because I'm not there. I honestly feel bad for the new guy because I'm sure she will do the same to him. It's unfortunate that people can do this stuff and not really realize or admit that they're really hurting others.