Not sure what to do, keep working?

I am and always have been a thinker...

High IQ, tested in elementary school.

Worked here and there, computers are my hobby, not a programmer.

Grew up being picked on because I was smarter, caused me to develop rage, horrible depression, practically insane but playing along like a normal person.

Also in elementary school, was diagnosed with a disease that threatens my life if left untreated, had to take 3 horse sized pills 2 times daily to stop the blood loss and stomach pains.

Started keeping to myself, Knew I could never kill because it was wrong. Avoided fights because it was wrong.

parents were not much help with school, school was stupid (public school) everything was just a repeat of last year, teachers would not let me choose my future, prevented me from getting the classes I wanted...

life went about how you would expect for someone with that going on... Flash forward to 18, tried pot for the first time, started thinking, dropped out (couldn't stand those retarded teachers and students anymore) smart as they were they were all stupid. Everyone is stupid. Got out of the house asap, got a BS job and did what I had to do. Failed, ended up back at home got a new better job, saved up, moved out. This went on for a few years up till mid last year.

Tried mushrooms and they made me realize it was my way of thinking that was making me depressed, yes, people being rude/*ssholes did trigger bouts of depression but it was mostly my way of going about it. So I changed that and have been happy... or so I thought. I tried mushrooms again one day last year in the fall. I had yet another realization... Nothing I do really matters in the end, humanity will not be affected by my attempts to right it... Life has lost it's promise... It was supposed to be fun when I got a good job and had a lot of money. I bought and built a gaming computer (sweet) I can get laid when I want (awesome) I can get what drug I want but I don't do anything man made. I am clean, never was what you would call a druggy or an addict, just recreational pot smoker and occasionally mushroom tripper... Nothing has fried my brain, I actually have a clearer head since I had my first mushroom dose... I don't know why, I feel maybe I am just unable to connect with anyone. If it wasn't for the looming threat of going to hell or prison, I would probably start killing "stupid people" (people who refuse to learn for various reasons) and "evil" people. Try to weed out the bad parts of humanity in a manner of speaking... But that is just a pipe dream, there will always be consequences...

Anyway, I guess that about sums it up as to who I am and what kind of person I am... The point of explaining all of that is, I am bored, I am not happy, or sad. I can't hold interest in anything for long anymore, even as I type I am wondering if I should just delete this and and go to sleep... I feel like I just want to die, but not in a depressed way, more like there is nothing to do anymore so just turn it off... Have I just put up with so much that my brain just turned off happy and sad and left me with bored, angry and tired? I mean... what is there to do anymore but work till I die? I guess I am just looking to see if anyone can relate. Maybe someone out there really understands for real this time, unlike all the other times when it was just some random person worried I may hurt myself or someone. (I wont so go away with your fake love, care and "support") What I am looking for is more of a discussion, more of a journey to find a solution...

From your message, I can see that you do not value human life. I empathise that you were picked on, but that resentment has grown to the extent where you cannot see past it. You certainly see no value in your own, and this has now become extended to others.

You cannot get the help you desperately need here, you need professionals.

It is not for you to decide whether someone should live or die, or to determine whether they are stupid. Intelligence and goodness come in many forms and nothing is black and white. I strongly believe that if you are open, everyone can teach us something. Are you honestly saying that you have learned all there is? Mastered every art? Tested every hypothesis? Tasted every food? Seen every beauty in the world?

As for our role in life, yes in some ways we are all small and insignificant, but have you read about the butterfly effect? The smallest actions can have the biggest consequences.

Thanks to the internet for a wealth of information and dating sites, people can easily learn and get hookups, even drugs. However, having these things will not make a person happy. You need help in finding what makes you happy. Drugs, yes even "natural" ones, alter your state of mind. It is a distraction from the sad state your life has become, which you seem to want to project on to particular individuals. I suggest you try out new things and book a therapist. You can't do it on your own if you're at the point of ending your own life. Remember, we are naturally social creatures; we will always need other people.

Get into a sport, hobby, socialize with friends or an event in town...do something out of the norm for you. It helps people not to fall into depression. Expecting your life to turn around, without actively changing it for the better, will not help your situation. You need to be open and willing to positively fix your outlook.

From your message, I can see that you do not value human life. I empathise that you were picked on, but that resentment has grown to the extent where you cannot see past it. You certainly see no value in your own, and this has now become extended to others.

 

You cannot get the help you desperately need here, you need professionals.

 

It is not for you to decide whether someone should live or die, or to determine whether they are stupid. Intelligence and goodness come in many forms and nothing is black and white. I strongly believe that if you are open, everyone can teach us something. Are you honestly saying that you have learned all there is? Mastered every art? Tested every hypothesis? Tasted every food? Seen every beauty in the world?

 

As for our role in life, yes in some ways we are all small and insignificant, but have you read about the butterfly effect? The smallest actions can have the biggest consequences.

Actually I do value human life. Looking at the direction Humanity is headed in, we are overpopulated with dumb and "evil" people. Overpopulated. No, I don't know everything, haven't done everything. But, there is no joy in it anymore.

Unfortunately you are destroying your mind with hallucinogens. It's unclear if your paranoia is a psychiatric problem of a result of your drug use. Have you seen a psychiatrist? You sound like a danger to yourself and others.

If it wasn't for the looming threat of going to hell or prison, I would probably start killing "stupid people" (people who refuse to learn for various reasons) and "evil" people. Try to weed out the bad parts of humanity in a manner of speaking... But that is just a pipe dream, there will always be consequences.

You are the very definition of depression: "A brain disorder characterized by persistently depressed mood or loss of interest in activities, causing significant impairment in daily life"

It seems you are blind to it yourself, since you stated that you think this isn't depression. Educate yourself and get help if you don't want to be "bored" anymore. It's your choice if you want to die this way, or not.

Btw, as a scientist, you are being naive if you're referencing only a few studies to support using those drugs. They have their downfalls, as with any drug.

Thread closed.