Sometimes all I can do is hurt myself

Hi everyone,

I'm new to this site and read a couple of posts which made me feel to write my own as well. Well just to let y'all know I've been depress for as long as I can remember. I lost so many of my friends because I just don't feel like talking to anyone anymore. I've kept myself in the room for about 90% of the time because I just cannot deal with anyone in the house. Every time my mom sees me, all she does is complain about what I do, Also, my stepdad does the same thing. When I get into an argument with my mom, she would always threaten me of kicking me out which im scared of because I dont even know anybody to live with if I ever get kicked out so all I do is keep my mouth shut and keep myself in the room. Oftentimes, I hurt myself by hitting my head and cutting my thighs since being a guy and having scars on my wrist isnt something I would want so i hide it and instead cut my thighs. I'm really tired of my life and always wanted to die instead of living in this kind of lifestyle. I often feel anxious and just hit random things sometimes.. I, sometimes, think I have bipolar disorder.

Well depression have always occurred to me maybe since i was 8 or 9 when i finally realized what occurred to me when I was young.. I wont really say anything about it because it's like my deepest darkest secret. Everytime i think about it, I get really mad at myself and regret all the things I've done forcefully. I always blame that person who did it to me for what I am today and why I am like this today. Today, Ive always wanted to go talk to a psychiatrist and just tell her all the things that ive kept inside me for the longest time but I dont know how and probably dont have money to do that. I never want to tell my mom because Im pretty sure she wont care or just dont take me seriously. I even think that if I kill myself right now, she won't care. Still ,at least, at school I'm still a straight A student who works hard just to get in a really good college though my parents don't care about my grades and never really ask for em' so even though I fail they won't care Although I dont want to fail because that would make my life more terrible.

When I go to work, by walking, I often think of crossing the road (J-walking) and hopefully just get run over which is a fast way of dying but I still dont have the guts to do that as of right now. well maybe as of right now I can still deal with what is occurring in my life but things have always limits and I'm almost there

Hi trex, welcome to ENA.

Does your school have a person you can go talk to? Another idea is ask your doctor the next time you see them if they can recommend someone for you to talk to. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your head.

Hi trex, welcome to ENA.

 

Does your school have a person you can go talk to? Another idea is ask your doctor the next time you see them if they can recommend someone for you to talk to. It sounds like you have a lot going on in your head.

Well I do but they tell your parents since my sister tried talking to a psychologist at my school and end up calling our parents about it.. I dont want my parents to know whats going on with me since they dont care at all. I just want someone who i can talk personally and just tell them things ive been keeping inside me ITs been a really long time...

My life has been pretty similar. I have those suicidal tinges as I cross the road and I consider running away from home whenever I'm at a bus stop. It is at that point where my friends are starting to notice the somewhat reckless why I cross the street. I also self harm on my thigh because my sister did it on her arm and my parent's gave her so much for it and I couldn't handle anyone knowing. You should be proud of your academic achievements and you seem like such a down to earth person, even if this is an anonymous website. I am trying to work my own way out of the state of depression currently and even though I feel like crap now I now things are gonna have to get better when I move away from the people hurting me most. Just know that no matter how indifferent your family act about you, they really do love you (excuse the cliche), even though it doesn't always feel like it. Mine act kind of disappointed in me because I'm not as smart as one of my sisters and not as fit as the other but I've learnt to ignore them because I am still an above average student and am quite good at gymnastics. I find the first step to get out of a downward spiral is to ignore how others see you and realize that you aren't a bad person nor someone the planet should live with out because you most definitely aren't. THINGS WILL GET BETTER!!!

OP, I read your post, and hope you are still checking these boards. Even though you didnt specifiy it, Im pretty sure Im familiar with your secret because I went thru something similar at that age. I totally get the need for privacy, and feeling that your family doesnt care. I also have found that being an overacheiver doesnt heal the pain.

I also wanted to let you know in many cities that there are non profit organizations dedicated to,supporting victims of all types of domestic violence. The one I went to had a therapist that specialized in the certain type of abuse that I had to endure. The sessions were free and confidential. Hopefully, there is something similar in your area.

You are not alone, and I hope you get better soon.