long... please read and advise

Sorry for long winded post... I just need to get it out. Thanks in advance if you read it in its entirety.

All of my family, my friends, my co workers, they all say the same thing : Do what's best and in the best interests of your children.

I asked my wife to marry me in september of '06. In october, we found she was pregnant and then rushed the proceedings to make sure the child was taken care of.

Before we were married, she told me that if I put a ring on her finger, bought her a car and bought her a house, I would be hers forever. And I did that. And after we were married, I moved up in my job and told her that she wouldn't have to work at all. She could take care of the children and house while I took care of everything financially. And she agreed to that and said that's what she wanted.

Well that's not what I got. I work 4pm-midnite normally, sometimes noon to midnite other times 4 to 4. I would come home to a disgusting house. Could not walk through my house in some places without watching where I was stepping so as to avoid tripping or falling over toys, clothes, trash, you name it. And the kitchen. Dishes not done to the point that there was mold growing, fruit flies gathering, and repulsive odors that kept me out of the kitchen altogether.

I asked how I could help, and every time the response was either "I don't know" or "You're doing it wrong."

Throughout the course of our marriage, she would pack the kids up and go visit her mother for weeks at a time leaving me to fend for myself and wonder what she was doing. This was two hours away in the large city she grew up in. One night, I asked her to send me a picture of our son thru a text message because a co worker wanted to see him. I waited and waited for a picture to come thru, and when it finally did, it was from her mother's cell phone.

Her father suffered a stroke some time in '09 if I am remembering correctly, and that is when the detachment grew. Most anytime I saw her, she was either on her precious cell phone or on the internet doing god knows what. I put a key logger on my computer. It turned up nothing more than trash talking of me between her and friends.

Sometime in February '10 I think it was she left me. I remember because I had just resumed going to college. In march, she agreed to go to counseling and we found out she was pregnant again. The counseling was great, we did it for 2 or 3 sessions a month for a whole year. It seemed like things were going to pull through.

In '11 her mother was diagnosed with lung cancer. That's when our marriage fell apart. The house got worse. I was being physically pushed away anytime I sought intimacy. The only time I was guaranteed any physicality with my wife was when I bought a forty dollar bottle of liquor. I offered help at all times, but again, was met with the same response. I offered to take her to a OB, a counselor, a therapist, a shrink, anything to help her battle with what was going on. She refused any and everything.

At the same time, I grew sour. I know that is a major reason why our marriage is ending. But I am a man, and when my physical needs were not being met, I couldn't take it.

Fast forward to the end of this summer. I am close to finishing school and will be afforded a major salary increase upon finding a job after doing so. I had so much in store for this family. She left her facebook page open one day and left to pick our son up from school. A message popped up. I couldn't help myself. After sifting through some garbage, I found that she's been telling her friends that she's divorcing me after christmas. I reinstalled the key logger. And this time, I was witness to her budding new relationship with a former high school classmate that began back in May of '12. It's truly disgusting and my heart has been ripped out and stomped upon. What seemingly started out as an innocent reconnection with somebody she knew 15 years ago grew more and more disgusting as this guy hit on her, told her what she wanted to hear and what she needed to hear.

I tried to provide that. I tried to listen. I tried to talk. But she never opened up. Now I know why. She was opening up to somebody else. And dammit, it's not fair that somebody else got in there so easily instead of her trying to work it out with me.

Thank you for reading my story. I feel better now posting it to people that have no ability to pre-judge me. But on to my question.

When I met my wife, she smoked marijuana as frequently as cigarettes. I was no stranger to drugs. There are many of my family members that participate in it as well as friends. At the time of our courtship I was not a frequent user as she was and still is. But since she was always having the marijuana in our house, I felt like "why not" and participated myself.

My vice is liquor. She also did not shy away from drinking during our marriage. So on both sides we are each guilty should any mudslinging happen in court.

I have never had a DUI. I have held my same job for ten years along with being close to my degree. I have never hit my wife, sober or intoxicated. I have never hit my children outside of necessary discipline (on their buttocks), sober or intoxicated.

She left me last Saturday. She is going to live with her father, a man with no job because of disability. His trailer has no heating or air. No place to wash the children's or anybody's clothes. No technology for the children to learn from besides a radio and a 17 inch television. And he grows marijuana in a back bedroom.

The man she is having a courtship with was just released from jail this previous september on what I gather to be a misdemeanor marijuana charge. He has admitted to her that he "no longer deals" because he too now grows his own.

She has no job. She told me "I plan on living off food stamps and your child support." I overheard her on the phone last week telling somebody that "I can lie, cheat, and steal and still get custody of my children." I've never been so disgusted in my life.

My lawyer, who also serves as a judge in the same courthouse my proceedings will be taking place, tells me that if I present this evidence he would give me custody if he was the judge. I have several screenshots of her conversations with her boyfriend, including the ones about his legal troubles and his growing hobbies.

But I don't honestly know that taking my children from their mother would be in their best interests. My son is 5 and in kindergarten. He got home 35 minutes before I would have to leave for work. My daughter is 2. I would never see them should I get sole custody.

And she's not a bad mother. Just a bad wife and bad decision maker.

I have 9 classes left until my degree. If I get custody, I would have to put that on hold for I don't even know how long.

People tell me to finish school THEN try and get custody. But I feel that all the evidence I have now that would award me custody would be invalid by that time. If I was concerned about that at a second custody trial, why wasn't I concerned about it at the first... etc..

I really don't know what to do.

I can't believe that you are still considering leaving your children with their crazy mom. They're obviously not a priority for her. I'm not even sure if all of this is true.

You are about to finish college, yet with all of your intelligence. You havent been able to figure out that after you get your big economic boost, you're gonna be paying child support if she gets custody. In other words, no gain for you.

My advice would be to put that on hold and try to get your children's custody. Go see a therapist and have her/him figure out, why is it that you don't love yourself enough. If you continue like this, guess what? You're going to find another woman like her. You're too nice...in other words, you're too insecure. Man up and get your children.

My children are a priority to her. They always have been, I know this to be true and know everything I posted to be true.

As I said before, she is not a bad mother. She has always cared for our children. She just did not care for our marriage.

Which is why I am torn. I will remain at my blue collar dead end job for the foreseeable future should I be awarded custody. I'm not sure if giving her custody and bettering myself will benefit my children more than keeping them here with no option of being able to provide more for them.

While the money at my current job has been adequate to provide for my family for 6 years, I'm not sure that this job will be around for many more years. I live in a very small rural town and any other opportunity is 45 minutes or more in any direction.

Um, walking through your house stepping over toys, clothes, TRASH and a disgusting kitchen with dirty dishes growing mold and fruit flies you won't even walk in is NOT taking care of her kids. Neither is moving into a place with no heat and active pot growing.

I understand all this and agree with it fully. But would a judge not look at the fact that I work from 4pm to midnite 6 to 7 days a week and ask how I can care for my children. There is not a good chance that I could get on to day shift, and even then, I still would work 3 weekends out of each month. The wait to get on the monday thru friday shift is a long one.

Friends have told me to look for another job, but with my finacial responsibilities to my house and my children, I could ill afford a pay cut which would sink me. And I'm not going to find a job that will immediately pay me the same amount I make now at my current job.

I know a guy that works as an ER nurse. Shift work (every shift), on call, many late days at work, usually pulling 60 hour weeks. He has full custody of his SIX kids from a 2 year old up to a 12 year old.

Custody is about fitness of the parents and the ability to provide them a stable, caring environment. A judge isn't going to consider your working hours to be awful. There's daycare and sitters. Living in a place with no heat and growing dope is cause for the kids to be removed by CPS.

When my husband's previous relationship blew up, and the mother of his 4 year old was using drugs and neglecting the child, he was a welder making over $70K. He employed his landlord's mother to look after his little girl, as he had to leave home at 4:30 am to get to his job on time.

Within a year, he had to change jobs so that his schedule included time with his daughter; he became a self employed private investigator, mostly gathering evidence of infidelity at night. When I met him, he had just secured a job overseas and had to turn his daughter over to his parents.

Within a year, I had purchased a home with extra bedrooms and invited them to move in with me, and I have raised his daughter since she was seven. His ex passed away two years ago, from suicide.

He is no longer a welder making 70K a year, but an oxygen delivery driver making $15K less. He is home every night, but the family comes first.

It was a very tough road, but it was worth it.

In your case, I am worried about the kids being around the ex-con, and being in a trailer without heat. I feel that your wife will neglect the kids if she goes back to smoking weed every day, and also, the state of the home if it's going to be covered in trash.

Will your family help with the kids if you took custody?

All of my family is at least an hour or more away. And with the declining health of my father, my mother would be unable to help without stressing her to the point of bad health as well.

And she has never stopped smoking weed. Once, when I offered to give it all up for the betterment of our marriage, the drinking and the pot, she told me "I'll smoke weed til the day I die."

You are obviously a person who must be smoking herbs at this time making fun of all of us. I don't think you are serious at all.

Have a good one!

No, actually I'm a guy that came here for unbiased opinions from what appeared to be a place for this kind of stuff.

I haven't smoked since my wife asked for a divorce, nor do I care to. Her presence was the only reason I used. When it's not here I don't look for it.

You really think I could fabricate that huge post at the beginning?

I appreciate those who offered their opinions, as it gives me a little more insight.

Yes, you are right. I shouldn't have done that assumption. My apologies.

Nonetheless, I will ask you to read what you have written after your first post. All of us, have recommended to make your children your priority and to look for their custody. But, you always seem to find an excuse. It's like you want us to tell you: "Yes, their mom can take good care of them avoid trying to fight for them". We can't say that, because judging on her actions, she is quite unstable at this point on her life. Cheating on you, not cleaning the house, smoking weed nonstop.

One nice thing about living in a rural small town is the community. There's always help willing and available for people in need. Reaching out to friends, neighbors and the different groups might give you the solutions and resources you need to accomplish everything. I don't see why you'd need to quit school, especially with only a few classes left. Maybe cut back to less classes and take an extra semester to finish but quit, no.

You gotta understand that this is the biggest decision of my life and all the uncertainties that I have about what will be and what will happen make me probe for more.

I'm not making excuses to just give up and give her what she wants. I'm just uncertain on how things will be and how mine and my childrens' life will be affected.

I myself went through this at their same exact age. I was 5 and my sister was 2 when my parents split. So I know how this will affect them from that standpoint. But my father did not care and was not the father he should have been. I have stood firm since they were born and made myself not be like him because that still affects me to this day.

But I don't want my children to ask me in 20 years why I took them from their mother or why didn't I.

There are so many thoughts and emotions in my mind right now that even posting these messages are difficult.

All of my family is at least an hour or more away. And with the declining health of my father, my mother would be unable to help without stressing her to the point of bad health as well.

 

And she has never stopped smoking weed. Once, when I offered to give it all up for the betterment of our marriage, the drinking and the pot, she told me "I'll smoke weed til the day I die."

I know it's a lot to put on you, but if you knew there was a chance that your daughter would be unhappy living in the trailer with no heat, or with her mom smoking weed all day long - would you sell the house and start over, closer to your folks?

Do you have siblings that might help? What if you down-sized to a condo and used the additional cash to hire an au pair?

Taking them from her would be in their best interest. Do you have a drinking problem? If so, you may not be the best place for your kids either.

We get it. ;-)

becomingkate has been through what you're going through, so have I.

One nice thing about this forum besides all the people who can relate is the support you'll find here. Your emotions are running all over the place, it's scary and nothing is certain. We can be objective though and throw out options you might not have even thought of.

It's not going to be easy but from your first post, your kids best interests will be served if you get custody of them. They won't think "why'd you take me away from mom" 20 years down the road either. Your wife is making a choice and she's choosing herself, her drugs and her new boyfriend over her kids. Your kids will figure that out on their own.

Taking them from her would be in their best interest. Do you have a drinking problem? If so, you may not be the best place for your kids either.

And when they ask 20 years from now why they were taken from their mother, you can be honest and tell them. In 20 years, she may not be the same person, or she may be the exact same person and they will understand why you took custody of them.

Seriously. Your kids are your priority now. If you're not willing to make them not just A priority, but THE priority, then they don't need to be with you either.

It sounds like you're making good money, and it's not going to hurt your children near as much if you take custody of them, and provide them with a babysitter or a daycare to take care of them when you can't. If you let them stay with your wife, they're not going to have a chance at all.

Frankly, I'm concerned that you think she's capable of being a good mother considering there is marijuana in the house. I'm sure the kids have been exposed to it, and you're asking for a hell of a lot of legal issues when they go to school and tell their teacher "mommy smokes funny cigarettes."

Trust me, it happened to an ex-friend of mine. Thought his kid was too young to know, kid mentioned it at school and how it made his head hurt, kid got taken away.

This isn't a household a child needs to grow up in. The one they're in now, or the one they'll be with if they stay with their mother.

Man up, take responsibility for this. You have to. Your all these kids have.

OK... After reading all this and considering my options, here is what I have come to.

I gave my wife a list of "demands" if you will of what I want from the divorce. She has told me from the beginning "do not contest this, neither of us have the money to pay if you do." The list of demands I gave her included what my lawyer told me would be a slam dunk from a judge concerning financial obligations, property, visitation, insurance and future bills. The only part that was negotiable was the custody. I told her first off I wanted joint custody. I don't think she's going to agree with that. The other stuff I'm not worried about.

My first lawyer said to let her file first so that it would make her the instigator and I could claim I did not want this divorce.

My second lawyer has said to give her custody so that I could finish school. Eh.

But here's the stickler: I also told her (and she's gullible enough to believe this) that I would not bring up the drugs and alcohol in court because it would be too detrimental to our children. But now I have fully decided screw that, and I'm going to go for the throat.

If I file first, and spell out that I want full custody, will that give her enough time to get a job and clean up all the drug evidence? Or do I let her file first and bust the surprise in the courtroom?

How do the legal proceedings work? A friend of a friend said that after papers are filed, we'll go to court and go before the judge just to tell him whether we agree and if not, we'll be assigned a date later down the road.

Gah.... I get so much input from friends and family that I don't know who knows what or what will really happen.

Court procedures and timelines completely depend on where you live. We can't give you any good advice there without more info you probably shouldn't post publicly.

I will say, if you believe your children are in danger, being neglected, or are being exposed to illegal drugs, you should seek out an emergency custody order or call CPS on that basis.

You really should go online and look up your local laws regarding family court, custody, divorce, alimony, etc. and start reading. The more knowledge you have yourself, the better off you'll be in court and in dealing with lawyers.

Before we were married, she told me that if I put a ring on her finger, bought her a car and bought her a house, I would be hers forever..

I'm sorry you're going through this but wasn't this a red flag that you SHOULDN'T marry this woman?

Your wife should want to marry you whether you because she loves you, not because you can buy her shiny, expensive things. But we live in a materialistic "me" society, so what do I know.

So you have decided to have sole custody? I believe that is the best decision for them. She doesn't have their best interest. Living in those living conditions, smoking weed, and wanting to live in a trailer with no room for the children says volumes about her. Her priority are not the children. Make them your priority.