My random thoughts journal

I need a place to vent about random stuff.

for starters, why do I have sexual fantasies about people I definitely don't want to have sex with in real life?? or is the truth that I really do? I'm too afraid to find out if the truth is that I would really just like a lot more sexual partners than I want to believe. There are so many guys I would totally have sex with at least once, or when the mood strikes. People I would never want to be emotionally intimate with. Then I realize, on the other hand, that I view sex as an act of love. Once someone puts their penis in you, you do develop some kind of connection with them. I kind of just want give in, without being irresponsible of course, since I wouldn't want to get a disease or get pregnant. Fantasies at this point are leaving something to be desired lol. I don't want to have sex with a bunch of people and realize that being promiscuous really is morally or ethically wrong or something. Or worse yet, discover that my sexual activities bar me from ever finding true love.

I've been so close to just doing it, being as promiscuous as I kind of want to be inside. but maybe that is just something stupid that young people do and regret later. It's not like I haven't had enough partners already. I'm getting really fed up with my sexuality. I can't sustain interest in anyone long-term as of late. I don't want to turn into one of those emotionally unavailable people who doesn't even know what they are missing.

If I'm sleeping with a lot of people, doesn't it mean that the person I really love next isn't really getting something special...it's hard to explain. I should just believe in the power of true love. but part of me doesn't mind my other side, the side that doesn't need any one man to make me happy. I'm not lonely. I enjoy life and I am very fulfilled and moreover, I'm just totally stimulated constantly. Why don't I just accept the ebb and flow of my sexuality? but then, that means I'd seriously do almost everyone. that's not true obviously, but I'd end up with like thousands of partners over the course of my life, if they were attracted to me anyway.

i hope to figure out what's best for me soon--because I feel like my emotional walls are crumbling, in a mostly good way.

funny how in high school I used to think it would be glamorous to be * * * * ty, when it made me so unhappy. Then I decided to back to my prepubescent true love fixation, then I tried settling, then I tried settling again and nothing has worked so far. well except, doing what I truly felt in my heart, starting last year. That led to more happiness than I have ever felt in my life. This time I'm not a broken person so I think I'll find out what I really need. Love is this thing thats always on the back of my mind.

If only the circumstances were better. I meet people all the time that I wish I could get to know better, but they are strangers and our paths never cross except when I'm buying milk or something. And then sometimes, the most unbelievable people come into your life and you wonder why. but in the meantime, as long as I'm a bit of coward who can't return the feelings of people I really like and as long as I'm also the victim of a bit of bad luck, I keep fantasizing about every guy who seems a bit attracted to me.

I used to think that I was vain, but I think there is something deeper. maybe not though, maybe it's just flattery. I work hard to attract men and I don't get why it is so important to me. I don't need to be the prettiest or the best but I do love it when I just know someone wants me, even if its only when we are in the same room.

I've been wondering lately, how i would talk to guys if i wasn't trying to turn them on. I don't know how to be friends with guys. although I'm pretty sure I suck at flirting so I bet I am a whole lot more subtle than I think I am. but for some reason lately I just want to try them all!! I really can't picture myself feeling good about myself afterward though. but i mean, if it was no big deal to them, and it didn't change the dynamics of our relationship, then it should be fine right? yeah I need to think this through more

i am beginning to believe the reason rich people prize subtlety is that they are so often lacking in depth

i am also afraid of going back to america where people seem to talk about their feelings non stop

ugh why am i so disgusted with everything right now. i wish i could be something cleaner. I hate it when i get in this mode where i am so creeped out by pretty much everything.

ever since coming to accept that people are not rational, i feel like everyone is either a total wildcard or totally predictable.

i often think about this class i took in college, about education. it was probably one of the most valuable experiences of my life, though at the time, i used the information from the class to further my own agenda rather than thinking critically about what was actually being revealed to me. observing how each social class emphasizes different values and skill sets via education was the most eye opening thing I have ever seen in my life. unfortunately, hardly anyone wants to talk about it. upper middle class people are just as reactive about their cultural, social and artistic privilege as middle and lower classes are reactive about their obvious limitations. it bothers me because it really is intellectually limiting for both sides not to understand both their environment and where they come from.

I've worked very hard to overcome my conditioning and it's a daily struggle to develop my own voice. it is seriously exhausting, because if i didn't seek out knowledge on my own, I would still be adrift in this colorless sea of maddening simplicity. i wonder why i am so alone, and why other people in my immediate environment don't have the same intellectual and personal ambition. the further away I travel from my own upbringing, the less sense it all makes and the less patience I have, but also the less shame I feel for being intelligent. it really is nothing special, i can't believe how pathetic my life has been in that respect. in any case, I'm beginning to feel less and less afraid of the fact that I'm not superficial.

sometimes when I see people arguing, i dont even really listen to their words, but to the expressions and the tone of their voice that communicates a much older hurt that was never resolved. families let this build all the time, knowingly. hippies and new age people like to talk about things out in the open, in a very structured manner in an attempt to resolve this and they are often criticized for being unnatural and basically, control freaks.

anyway, when you see that kind of argument, which is almost every argument, its like watching two tornadoes collide briefly, then go on to spin their separate ways.

in keeping with that observation though, it's nature. i am nothing like this anymore, for the most part. i feel like such an outsider. i used to think this had to be because i was an abused child who grew up with uneducated parents who were a bit insane, but i think i am a very different kind of person than most. i really don't mind, i just wish people would be more like me, haha. now that i'm not ashamed, i feel like i deserve or want something better from people.

things i would tell my teenage self

vanilla > chocolate

take your dad up on that offer to get your pilot's license

those people are NOT interesting, stop worrying about them

you will someday understand why people legitimately like the beatles so much

you are a total BAMF for being naturally disgusted by * * * * shaming

don't chicken out on that volunteering trip to Ecuador

eh to be honest I know that given the circumstances, I doubt really could wish for anything better. the last line felt a bit contrived, like i don't think that going to Ecuador in my condition in that particular environment and time in my life really would have changed me at all. I just wasn't open to new things the way I am now and I definitely did not think for myself at all. although i stand by my first line and the one about not getting involved in the group of friends i became so enamored with. i guess that's my one big regret.

So my big teenage regret is being afraid to be myself. i guess that has always been my biggest weakness.

big regret from college/early twenties: again, not thinking for myself, being dependent on others to figure out my life for me and then being sorely disappointed and even furious when their dreams didn't match mine.

I guess it is understandable, when you are first starting out in something, everything looks so difficult, and you can see how incompetent you are. Slowly, you build your knowledge and wisdom and all the things that used to seem like magic are now part of a very complex, but rational process within the grasp of many people.

I guess for me, breaking through those barriers was a very spiritual process because I don't feel very familiar with creative and innovative fields. I didn't grow up around people like that. I can't imagine what it would be like if that was just the air you breathed. I feel less and less depressed about that as each day passes and I feel stronger. I just wish...that I didn't have to work as hard as I do.

It's funny how out of a single regret, the entire course of your life can be altered. That's the real tragedy for me. It was such a fixable issue, yet it seemed so insurmountable that for years I let myself grow so crookedly.

i am resisting the urge to hack into one of my exs' Facebook account and make bunch of inane postings....I wish I never had this idea!!

I've really been keeping this mess classy and only raging on him and none of the other jerks involved.

It was weirdly cathartic to say all that mean stuff to him. I really hope I can just shut my trap at this point, it's getting absurd.

The break up was so long ago!!! Why am I still so angry? I am definitely not in love with him.

I'm scared too, if people knew the all the mean stuff I said I wonder if they would find it unacceptable.

I'm proud to say I only burned that one bridge with him, even though I wanted to throw gasoline on the whole thing and watch it all burn down. Life just doesn't work that way and I need to remember that. I've landed myself in hot water many a time by making enemies for no good reason.

I don't want to go this party on Saturday

I'm excited to skype with a friend whose face I literally have not seen in 2 years

So unsatisfied with my food situation. I seriously miss American health food so much it's like painful on a daily basis.

It's starting to get really hot.

Disappointed to discover that the new musician I'm into is not quite as impressive live as I had hoped, but on the other hand, it gave me hope for my own musical aspirations

I really feel like I'm spinning but I'm also afraid of how smart I'm becoming. I feel like I have something to lose for once. I really hope to just enjoy things as they are asap, and just let any negativity drip off me. I hate feeling so judgy all the time. it's not a word but right now, i feel myself judging and other judging me and it's just such a dulling and lethargic sensation.

i need to write the very interesting things that have been happening in my life as of late. and also some other bad memories so i can feel less anxious, circling around these memories again and again without being able to go in for a satisfying kill. i need that release. i dont know, i need a journal that just for me but i am definitely too lazy to handwrite one. this week i do have a lot goals to achieve tho

word of the day

integrity

life is full of so many traps, no one can shield you from them all.

i want to do more than survive

but happiness is such a loaded concept. i am going to do my best to depoliticize myself over the next few weeks or months. in my head....i don't even want to be happy anymore since, well i'm not going to get into it. but i do want to be able to get those gears grinding again in my head, and i guess more than happiness i want to be learning. that i can handle. that does give me hope.

I always need to remind myself

there is always someone taking what I'm not brave enough or good enough to take. So I might as well join the party.

except for the whole raping and pillaging the earth part.

i don't know...now I'm second guessing myself again. sometimes you can have something but you just shouldn't....ahh seriously i'm going insane

I feel so exhausted since I swear I turn into a completely different person every few weeks, hell, maybe within the space of a few hours.

one of my 'wise' older exs told me that the daily epiphany phase was supposed to be over by now but I'm worse than ever.

The funny thing though, is that I think it might be a good thing. I just need to be careful not to burn out so spectacularly and more importantly, publicly.

i need to make sun umbrellas cool

i hate being tan so much i was out for 30 minutes yesterday and i'm already tan WHY

Sometimes I am so oblivious to my own anger with people. I couldn't figure out why I couldn't trust one of my friends and then during lunch it hit me like a ton of bricks. It's because she's incredibly, incredibly selfish and has never listened to, offered advice for, or shown empathy for my problems when I so often help with hers and take her concerns much more seriously! I never believe people when they say that they are always trying to 'rescue' people because to me, that usually indicates a delusional person who is usually taking advantage of people and not the other way around but I swear in my case it is actually true. and on top of that, to make things worse, for example, these same friends were so resentful of my intelligence. I should have just them cut off if they continued to belittle me and try to force me down to their level because they didn't want anything to do with any of my interests...ugh I am such a weakling. I always questioned my own interests when it's very clear there are tons of much more brilliant people out there making their mark as well as lasting friendships with people of similar intellectual caliber. As much as I respect these same people who I also despise for their poor treatment of me, I had no obligation to help with their problems, or be supportive of them.

I guess I just got into these kind of relationships with absolutely everyone...people just like my mom. I never understood the term 'emotional vampire' because it sounded so dramatic and childish but I think I get it now. There are many people who feed off of negativity and codependency in so many ways.

It took me like 20-23 years to realize I was a victim. Then it took me another two years to realize that not only do I not need to let my mother or my boyfriends treat me like a *****, punching bag, therapist and servant all in one, but I don't need a single friend who treats me like that either.

The thing is, I have never, ever wanted to be an enigma to anyone. I guess that's not my decision to make when people are this dangerous.

I hate the idea of not being straight with people because they literally cannot handle it. but that is the nature of almost every form of human communication. Either structured by hierarchy or a hidden agenda or simply fear, there are so many barriers to trust.

It's so funny, ask me two years ago if I thought fear governs most people and I would have vehemently disagreed, but on the other side of fear, of course, to be honest, I hardly remember all the rules of shame, power and obligation, but there is almost something mechanical about 'common sense' or what we call 'social norms'. The fact that the vast majority of people don't believe in a significant degree of human autonomy is so well, firstly, insane, and secondly, pathetic. Of course we don't trust either, the second we give into the need to trust, someone close to, or not close to us, violates that moment of vulnerability in an instant. We get cheated on, robbed, run over, deceived in business. lied to by authority figures--it just seems like such an obvious logical fallacy to arrive at the conclusion then, that this is the true nature of all people.

point being--my friends, the people I try to win over for their trust, loyalty, and love--are not lovable people. LOL How can I love someone who typically has brought me so much pain, humiliation, and chronic loneliness?

I KNOW, a good person really can and will forgive anything. I feel like if I forgive, then that means that all the people who have hurt me are equally valued in 'god's eyes' or in a moral sense. I don't preside over them as the one who would never take advantage of a vulnerable person like that (or like me). Who am I, if I set them free in my own eyes,

to be as great as they want to be? I'm just another person who sees the same beauty in the world. Or maybe I'm just being superstitious--that my forgiveness will completely transform them into like divine beings or something. what a weird mental problem to have. I'm afraid to forgive them all and see all the good they do in the world and will continue to do. Because if I let go and forgive, and let the sun revolve around me in my little corner of the universe, then it's like I'm sitting on a mountain and through the clouds, I see them, with the light shining on them too. but there will be so much emotional distance between us. I am afraid of that because I have no control over the good they will do in their lives. If I no longer punish them, then maybe the source of their suffering will cease to exist. (is it because it's partly my fault for assuming the role of the victim???)

after thinking that through, I guess I am really beginning to not care and allow myself to go my own way without worrying about my past anymore. it really just is what it is

I feel so lucky to have been in love once. Finally a love that isn't marred by deception or a secret longing for something more. I wonder if I'll be content to never marry after that. I don't like living alone though

I'm just so overcome with passion for some reason. I have almost everything I've ever really wanted, in way, but I'm also still so disappointed by my lot in life. It certainly seems like the universe favors others much more.

I just feel so secure, like I'm really in his arms tonight, like I can actually count on him for once, because you just can't stop loving someone. That is all I want or need.

I can be patient though because I don't know how to settle. I am so excited to have discovered a few actually good people among all the others. It just makes me feel like I'm going to burst.

One of the most best things I learned from him is how to let someone know that you need them. I feel sooo warm inside remembering how strong my feelings were but how delicately he treated me at times. It's the sexiest thing ever. It makes me melt.

Now I think I could handle a nice guy. I used to be so afraid all the time, so afraid I couldn't write a paper or a resume or play an unfamiliar sport or learn an unfamiliar language. I was absolutely afraid of anyone I perceived to be normal really. It's such a good feeling to be included, not to mention how good it feels to have your dreams within reach. How could it all turn out to be so potentially wonderful, to the extent that I wouldn't change anything

I finally feel like I know how to deal with anger without feeling complete vulnerable.

I'm so free and I am slowly starting to feel like I'm living my life without regrets. What a thrill.

My advice for anyone who has been bullied in any way, covertly or directly, constantly belittled, not taken seriously, or disrespected by peers, friends, or family...

Never try to be better than them. You don't want to become bitter and make self destructive decisions just because you don't want to be like them. Instead, aim to be their equal. In that, you might find your own strengths or find yourself becoming better than you ever thought you could be. But don't let your distaste for the bullying behavior dictate your thoughts and lifestyle choices, at least in my case that led to me missing out on experiences I really wanted to have but couldn't allow myself to admit I wanted them.

I honestly can't tell if some people are bitterly jealous of me or if they just hate me. I know the feeling when you think you hate something and it turns out that you really just wanted it all along?

It is bothering me because I feel stronger than ever in my conviction that I want to be a free person.

But I honestly can't figure out other people. I mean, nature follows laws, so doesn't that mean humans do too? I am wrong or stupid for not getting this?

I follow rules every day though. I try not to steal, kill other living things, show hostility or anger, I use money, vote, I have dreams and ambitions according to what is expected of me.

Yet I don't understand why we never talk about the meta stuff. Like that charity is a way for the rich to feel good about subjugating others, period. Otherwise it would be anonymous and given little fanfare. Like that politicians are just people not gods, as goes for royalty, celebrities and other high status individuals and occupations. I have no problem with celebrtating creativity, and I'm thankful to live in a time where ordinary people can connect so easily to create memes, public service announcements and other gaps in our own representation.

I still doubt my own place though, like that maybe it doesn't matter what I privately believe because maybe evil really is good, that the suffering imposed by others on us is somehow necessary for our redemption, or that worse ill be attacked or shunned for just holding the belief that every individual is capable of acting with grace, dignity, and kindness

I'm still trying to understand how I feel and somehow glean some insight that will help me connect with other people more.

I am trying, as some of my friends are trying to do and have since inspired me to, respect the differing opinions of others and trying not to judge anyone

For instance, my windows are open and I can hear some people riding past noisily on their motorcycles, revving their engines and blaring music. In the past this might have irritated me or prompted me to assess my value in contrast to them, as higher because I'd never be so classless,

But tonight I just thought, that must be kind of fun, and I didn't really give it much thought. I hope someday soon I have friends from all backgrounds and of many ethnicities because I am not really branching out right now.

It's so hard sometimes when I accept people but they won't accept me. The high brow people hate my ease with suburbia and mediocrity. Others hate my ability to speak on many subjects with a degree of comfort and enthusiasm that they can't understand

Why Cant people just be okay with the fact that I will engage anyone in a conversation about anything? It doesn't mean I'm pretentious I just wish they were more open. I really do love the way I am becoming, now that I'm not filled with rage and discomfort.

But I guess I'm just not that convincing yet,

I don't know if I am going to figure that out.

I really want fairness and equality in the world

And I want integrity to be like the air we breathe.

But I don't understand how everything got to be such a mess in the first place.

We have everything we need to be happy.

I have been out of my comfort zone for over 2 years now. I made a journal on this website and almost 200 videos on my phone to heal from my childhood abuse. I'm finally in a place where I don't think I have to make those videos anymore. Right now I'm still working for my (abusive) mother and soon I'll have enough money to pay for my education and new life. I'm glad I figured it out before its too late. I hope I'm brave enough to never look back.

Unfortunately, I still have to find a way to deal with the fallout from the seeds of negativity and reputation damaging gossip my mother sowed in her workplace from the time I arrived. These seeds have grown into saplings and need the winter frost to destroy them somehow. I have been able to keep quiet this entire time since I need the money and cannot find a higher paying job with my level of education.

This is kind of unrelated but I was also aware that similar people attract each other, and living with my mother and being part of her world could mean that I would at times be exposed to other people who share her values, including the view than child abuse and domestic violence are acceptable. I am too self aware to be comfortable with where I am right now, I wish I could go back to being depressed so that I'm not anyone's target. I need to become less conspicuous.

I am genuinely surprised that so much suffering could gather in one place, and that people who work for her are hostile to me no matter what I do, short of disappearing. It also strikes me that they don't see the irony in how oppressive their intolerance is.

After 2 years, I put my foot down on one thing, one thing, and I'm labeled a bossy littleword I can't say on here. For about a year I thought they had ever right to dislike me, I still think they do, but the immature bullying and covert sabotage is just getting out of hand. I had no idea that such bargain basement/one off moral spheres existed. I don't even mean to sound so pretentious but wow, wow.

I used to think I hated snobs but I'd be grateful to be rejected by a few snobs right now. At least they share the same basic values about manners, and what is an acceptable outlook on life...sorry this is so vague.

At least I have learned that there are so many kinds of mean people, I'd be grateful for a bit of kindness. I don't even know if I believe in true friendship anymore. I have learned to recognize my former resentment in others, and I'm trying to figure out how to have better communication skills.

It's so scary, are these really the same people ill be spending my afterlife with, if there is one? I'm going to get to the gates of heaven and realize that they are wonderful people?? I don't think so...

I have never been treated like this before in my life. I've had people look down on me all the time but I've never had someone hate me because they think I'm full of myself...

On my workplace bully:

I'm okay with M having a horrible attitude toward me and spreading gossip about me but I'm scared it will lead to something really bad. Like M trying to sabotage me in a really big way or saying horrible things about me to more than just staff.

I am dreading going to work because I don't want to be involved in this drama. All I want is to be able to work quietly and live my life. How can I do this when m is spreading gossip and twisted truths about how she treats me. I have never said a word, and now I see that was not wise.

Do I fall on my sword now that it's too late to defend myself?

I'm debating whether or not I should remain completely silent about the treatment I have endured for the last year and a half. I know that in part M's resentment of me stems from experiences she has had in her life that really don't have much to do with me, and I'm not exactly a wallflower, but after this month I feel like she has really stepped up the inappropriate gossip and behavior. She is making it difficult for me to maintain harmony with other people, which is why I feel like I need to do something about this.

But I just don't want to give her the time of day to be honest, in addition to hating drama.

I know the situation is completely out of my hands and that unless she has a change of heart, I will be subjected to her gossip and sabotage. The sabotage is the most unsettling aspect of this situation. I guess I can sort of cope with gossip but it's actually kind of creepy when someone goes as far as messing with your things, not cooperating with reasonable requests, and trying to undermine and criticize your work performance to more than just other co workers.

I am trying to decide whether or not it would be better or worse for me to react or ignore her smear campaign.

I can just feel her anger escalating even now and I'm on a vacation!!

Oh how I wish I could take her spotlight off me.

I guess beginning next year when I return to work, I'll do my best NOT to draw attention to myself when she is around, in either a positive or negative way.

I can't believe the nerve of some people though. Well, I feel better having a game plan.

I think confrontation wouldn't be all that effective because I am extremely angry with her for being totally dishonest about her bullying behavior. For me to move forward with her, I would expect true remorse and for her to explain to others how she has been treating me this entire time, and that's never going to happen. She is also a control freak, and me 'admitting' defeat or bowing my head to her will just make her worse... Despite her best efforts to undermine me and damage me, I have only shown anger or annoyance toward her about twice or three times over the course of almost three years and I have never escalated things beyond a momentary remark made in frustration, always something very mild in nature.

I just hate these ridiculous struggles for dominance. I am totally uninterested in this nonsense.

Luckily I don't have too much time left here!!! Yay!!

Man, another person who I feel has damaged me and taken away my innocence and faith in the world. On my list of people who have done this to me, there are only 4, and now 5. I never thought I could end up hating and despising someone who is so peripheral to my life!!!

She thoroughly disgusts me and her character flaws are my most basic non negiotiables...I feel so incredibly uncomfortable with people who very harshly judge people who are either more successful than them, or who deviate from some perceived norm in some way. She is like the totalitarian dictator of mediocrity and banality and I honestly see no purpose for such people especially after such a horrible experience with her.

I think I really want to forget she exists...I just have to do that in a way she doesn't notice ( otherwise shell be even more inflamed than she already is.)

I think I what I need to do is work through the helplessness that I feel. I went out of my way, over the last 1.5 years, actually more, to try to eliminate or at least improve the bad blood between by giving her respect, asking for her advice, and giving sincere compliments from time to time, as well as just talking to her the way I would talk to anyone. I don't see why it almost seems as though she expects me to adopt a special personality just for interacting with her!! The absolute unfairness and ugliness of her expectations is just really getting to me all of a sudden. Especially as she is not my superior!! She is so ridiculous. I hate it when I get to this point, where someone has mistreated me beyond hope of repair and I feel the urge to confront them and finally speak the truth.

But she will never change, but maybe she will but I won't be the reason for it.

Anyway, I'm trying this new thing where I do the exact opposite of what I would normally do. This usually leads to better decision making for me and it helps me feel like I am more in control of the situation.

So in that vein, I will cow my head and act like I've been the one to blame, because if I apologize for this absurdity and take the blame, I will have shifted the responsibility on her to get her damn act together and be a decent human being for once. I win!! And she can't bully me without looking like a total..awesome.

2013 is going to be my year. I am going to be smart, not just barely getting by.

When I apologize I won't be all passive though, I'll just extend a genuine apology for not clearing up things sooner and expressing my good intentions with her sooner and that ill do my best to meet her expectations and find a healthy compromise. Done. "B(edited) don't kill my vibe...I can feel your energy from two planets away..."

Nothing like a vacation to make my work worries seem a million miles away...

I'm leaving this year, so why even bother giving her another thought? If she wants to bully me, she can go ahead and try to make me as miserable as she wants. I haven't been broken yet and I have kept my cool. I am at the finish line now!!

I am so glad she'll never see me stoop to her level. That's as far as my involvement in this is going to go.

I am just going to forget about her and pretend she's not even part of my life. Not in a rude or obvious way of course...but in that I'm not going to let her enter my consciousness outside of work and at work I'm just going to keep our contact pleasant, but extremely minimal.

At least I know now that generally speaking, there really isn't a way to placate bullies or anyone who is hell bent on treating you badly. If you can't cut them out of your life, then just keep contacted limited, casual and pleasant.

Ok I'm done writing about her hopefully ever again.

I have two hairy messes in my life. One has piggy backed on the other, partly because my lovely madre spread some initial gossip to harm my reputation and relationship to others.

I wish I could say I started over but the second the bully at work subtly started her crap with me all over again, I started to feel so unfairly targeted all over again. She is such a control freak about truly unimportant things, no wonder she is not very successful in life. I wouldn't even think or say anything so mean if she would just leave me alone.

I thought she had turned over a new leaf, so I was all relaxed but this afternoon, I could see her horns starting rear their head again. So that seriously sucks and honestly is just weird. I don't need anymore creeps in my life honestly.

It's truly pathetic. She is soooooo resentful!!!! I honestly avoid her at all costs and its like she goes out of her way to voice her displeasure with me.

I can't do anything about it.

I just wish she would stop believing my life is so perfect when she has absolutely no idea the things in life I have suffered.

It really sucks, not only did I have to go through that, but now I have to deal with other people well just her actually, who take their unhappiness out on me but pretend it's something else.

Ahh well. I try to be flattered to even be her target. But it's not appropriate and it's not flattering and it's creepy....

I know if I was in her shoes, well, it's like I would never be in her shoes because even I, in my most vulnerable state, take more responsibility for my happiness than she does.

But I guess that's where I have to forgive her, for my own sake.

I forgive her for being ignorant and wrong about a lot of things.

I forgive her for being rude to me and spreading gossip about me when I have never once done that to her.

I don't get why she thinks I'm so damn full of myself...just because I am happier than she is.

Oh well

God I hate jealous people

But they are everywhere aren't they?

I recognize the same impulse in myself when I resent other people for their success.

I need to be understanding.

She doesn't need my pity, but I think I get it.

I will try not to talk to her, even less than I already do, since I think just seeing me annoys her. So avoid her,

I hate though the fact that she wants to control my personality and turn me into some weak, mediocre, less than mediocre little parrot that serves no function. How wrong is that? No good person would do that?? How can she live with herself believing those things.

But I think it's better to let her think she has won, I think that is the only way to get along with people like that.

The sad thing for them is that their resentment is isolating and that's punishment enough. I don't have to be so prideful.

That's one of stupid, non pragmatic flaws. I am not good at dealing with inflexible people with no morals lol

But seriously, their behavior is not under my control. I cannot change them

And I cannot protect myself

Soooo what I need to do, is avoid her, even if each conversation with her is truly unpleasant I need to just deal with the fact that she secretly wants to ruin me or you know put me in my imagined place. I have no other choice.

Right now my favorite word is vasoconstrictor.

It brings to mind a kind of snake that lives in your veins or something