your opinion

Hi,

As I am fighting with myself to to admit that I was emotionaly abused in realtionship I am going to set some examples of his behavior to me:

It was immpossible to make a normal conversation about any problems - he would ignore me and leave and after that acted like nothing happened or ignore me totally for a while - no any contacts.

He did not like my clothes or hair - always complaining that I look bad.

He has taken the money from me without obligation to return it.

He ignored my friends and family and any activities conected with them.

He, not me, started to talk about marriage, children but ignored any of my attempts to do the same.

We were seeing only his family for Christmas and birthdays.

In a few years he broke up with me several times without any resonable reason, when I asked him if he loved me anymore he did not want to say no. He just went crazy and told me awful things. After 2 times I gave up from him but after 6 months he wanted to get back together and said that he was wrong.

I am writing this because I felt sad and unhappy in that relationship at the time but now, even few years passed, I feel anger, I begin to act aggressive and it is like I am incapable to change anything in my life for the better.

It most certainly does not sound like a healthy, happy, normal relationship. Many of the things he does are at least very hurtful and very wrong. You should be allowed to talk about problems in a normal relationship, even if it hurts. Telling you that you look bad and telling you "awful things" is emotionally and verbally abusive! Taking money from you is called stealing!

He probably does not see that he's doing anything wrong, does he? An abusive person will blame all the problems on you, tell you that it's all somehow your fault. Is that the case with him?

Are you still together with him?

I'm also really slow to anger, and at times when I realize something is really wrong, it's too late. I know how that can be incredibly frustrating. You just need to train yourself to start responding to other people and situations in a healthy way. Then you can empower yourself enough to make good decisions and never end up with guys like this again. You are stronger than you think. You can change your self destructive habits, here are a few things you can consider:

learn to always put yourself first--maybe at some point in your early childhood you were always made to put the needs of others first and it seems like all you know. It will feel strange at first, like you're being selfish or that you're all alone. eventually the weirdness will pass.

when you start doing something that goes against your own interests--sit down and talk it out with yourself. Take a couple of hours if you need to. Sometimes I turn to self destructive behaviors because it was the only way I could defend myself from my abusive mother--so when I feel the mental boxing gloves involuntarily slipping on--I imagine that damaged person inside and I talk to her and I explain to her why I can't fight like that, no matter how unjust the situation is. There is a part of me that wants to fight for what is right, but the best way to fight for yourself is to be a healthy person. I'm not sure why you have impulse control problems but it will definitely help to separate yourself from your self destructive tendencies. Those are thoughts/behaviors--you are much more than than that. Don't be so hard on yourself.

basically CBT is your best bet-instead of thinking I'm not good enough for the kind of man I want--change the thought to something like, "part of me is afraid I'm never going to meet the right person. But I believe that I deserve the best and will be patient until that person comes along." It may seem ineffective at first but after a few months it will change your life! part of getting back in control of your life and feelings is changing the way you think.

I think it takes a few months to be effective because your brain probably has to get used to all the changes in your thinking.

Hopefully you can get the help of a good therapist to guide you through this process.